Weakness Trap - Chapter 36

Yu Qingluan didn’t believe in such coincidences.

Besides, what did it matter to her whether Yu Lingxue had lost her memory or not?

“You’ve mistaken me for someone else,” Yu Qingluan suppressed the tremor in her voice, steadied Yu Lingxue, and pushed her aside.

“How could that be? Little Bird, are you joking with me? If you’re not my Little Bird, then who are you?” The corner of Yu Lingxue’s mouth twitched momentarily.

Pulled out of Yu Qingluan’s embrace, the cold wind rushed in through her collar, making her shiver.

Yu Qingluan glanced at her, no longer moved by her chill.

“I’m not,” Yu Qingluan forced her voice to remain steady, slowly prying Yu Lingxue’s hand off her arm and pushing it away.

“Qingluan, it’s you. You don’t you like me anymore?” Just this reaction alone made it plausible whether she had lost her memory or not.

Yu Qingluan shook her hair. The ends carried the unfamiliar scent of shampoo, causing Yu Lingxue to frown.

“I don’t like you anymore,” Yu Qingluan took a deep breath and then looked at Yu Lingxue.

“I don’t want to argue with you on the street. Let’s leave it at that.” With that, Yu Qingluan turned to leave.

But Yu Lingxue suddenly wrapped her arms around her from behind.

“Don’t go, Qingluan, I beg you, I don’t understand why you’re suddenly so cold to me. Yesterday, we were fine. We even messaged each other, and you said you liked me. You didn’t say it out loud, but when I asked, you blushed.”

Yu Lingxue was determined to feign amnesia to the end, bringing up the past again.

Held by her, Yu Qingluan trembled.

Itch and pain surged up from her heart simultaneously, impossible to shake off.

The familiar feeling overwhelmed Yu Qingluan’s mind, making her unbearably agitated.

She grabbed Yu Lingxue’s hand, twisted it, and pushed her away.

“Do you really need me to spell it out?” Yu Qingluan was genuinely annoyed. Yu Lingxue had never seen her like this before.

In the past, even when Yu Qingluan didn’t want to see her, she would never glare at her angrily at most, she would avoid her, carrying the same pain as Yu Lingxue.

But now, that pain had almost vanished, replaced by impatience and irritation.

Had Yu Qingluan truly moved on?

Was she the only one tormented day and night by their relationship over the past two months?

Was it really no longer possible for Yu Qingluan to love her again?

The thought of this possibility was almost too much for Yu Lingxue to bear. Her insides churned, and she dug her fingers into her arms, as if about to break the skin again.

“I just miss you” Yu Lingxue lowered her head, covering her mouth as she coughed for a moment.

“Faking illness won’t work. I’m not falling for your tricks anymore.” Yu Qingluan clenched her palm, her anger and lingering emotions burning in her head.

She struggled to control her temper but didn’t want to argue with Yu Lingxue on the street.

“I’m not, I” Before Yu Lingxue could finish, Yu Qingluan grabbed her by the shoulders.

Yu Qingluan pulled her forward, walking so fast that Yu Lingxue had to almost run to keep up.

The grip on her shoulders was anything but intimate.

Yu Lingxue struggled to keep up, confused about where Yu Qingluan was taking her.

She weakly grasped Yu Qingluan’s hand and asked, “Little Bird, where are you taking me?”

“Little Bird, can’t you answer me?”

Yu Qingluan had resolved to stay silent the entire way and didn’t respond.

They entered a rather upscale tea restaurant. It wasn’t mealtime, so there were plenty of empty seats.

Yu Qingluan led Yu Lingxue upstairs into a private room and closed the door securely.

This teahouse belonged to a friend of Zeng Lan, so it didn’t matter if they didn’t order anything.

“Qingluan, Did I do something wrong? The way you’re treating me so suddenly, it’s as if you don’t like me anymore.”

Yu Lingxue sat down, steadying her breathing, suppressing a cough, and gently rubbing her shoulder, which had been gripped tightly the whole way.

Yu Qingluan took a deep breath, reminding herself to stay calm.

It was all in the past. Today, she just needed to lay everything out clearly.

That kind of thing wouldn’t happen again,

That unexpected intimacy.

Absolutely not.

“Pretending to have amnesia, are you? What color were the gloves I gave you for Spring Festival?”

Yu Lingxue almost answered instinctively but managed to hold back. “We haven’t spent Spring Festival together yet. Were you planning to give me gloves?”

Yu Qingluan stared intently at Yu Lingxue, trying to detect any sign of deception.

Yu Lingxue, however, was determined to maintain her act of amnesia.

Finally, Yu Qingluan closed her eyes, feeling weary.

Why bother arguing about this with her?

She was here to lay everything out clearly.

“It’s fine. You can keep pretending to have amnesia if you want. I’ll recount everything you’ve done, bit by bit.”

“Starting from the year before last. You signed a relationship agreement with me, making me think you weren’t serious and were just playing around with me. But because I liked you so much at the time, I accepted it.”

“Every time you came to see me during that period, aside from sex, we didn’t do much else. It really was just like being contractual lovers, except I never took any money or gifts from you.”

“I never felt like we were in a real relationship. But because I liked you so much, I kept convincing myself that we were dating. Then, at one point, someone exposed our relationship on the school forum. I thought we could use that opportunity to step out into the open. I wouldn’t have to sneak around, sending you secret messages and waiting for the cover of night to get into your car in the shadows. I thought I could visit you in your classroom, and from then on, anyone who saw me would know I was your girlfriend. No one would dare confess to you again.”

“But that post was deleted that very afternoon. You didn’t want our relationship to be exposed. I accepted it. Being a secret lover, I could endure that. None of it mattered, because I liked you.”

Yu Lingxue immediately refuted, “Little Bird, I didn’t know about the forum post. I never browse the school forum. When, when did this happen?”

“Is it fun to pretend to have amnesia and lie to me?” Yu Qingluan crossed her arms, watching Yu Lingxue.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to see you.” Yu Lingxue lowered her head. “But I really didn’t delete it. If I had known earlier that you wanted to go public, I wouldn’t have kept hiding our relationship like this. I really do like you, Little Bird.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Yu Qingluan let out a scornful laugh, the curve of her lips quickly fading.

She believed Yu Lingxue. It was true Yu Lingxue never browsed the forum.

But it didn’t matter anymore.

It was all too late.

If she had heard these words from Yu Lingxue at this time last year, she would have been overjoyed.

“Little Bird,” Yu Lingxue tried to say more, but Yu Qingluan cut her off.

“I’ve endured more than just this one thing, Yu Lingxue. Out of the ten times you arranged to meet me, you stood me up nine times. Either you had patients to attend to, or your teacher or family needed you. I kept getting stood up, yet I kept believing you believing you were busy, that you had your reasons. But what about me? I never considered my own feelings. I kept tolerating your shortcomings, and you never even thought there was anything wrong with it.”

Yu Lingxue wiped her tears and looked up, trembling. “Qingluan, you never told me any of this.”

“Do I need to? Yu Lingxue. I don’t think something like this should require someone else to teach you. My friend, Xiang Yan, has been dating someone recently. Do you know what they’re like?” Yu Qingluan tried to steady her breathing.

Her nose was already stinging, and every breath carried the threat of tears. But today, of all days, she refused to cry.

“When Xiang Yan messages her, she finds time to reply even during meetings. When Xiang Yan can’t sleep at night, they talk on the phone until the next morning. If Xiang Yan needs her, she’s always there. They don’t just have desires they have a life. They talk about their daily routines, their friends, their studies and work. Xiang Yan knows she comes from a single-parent family, and she knows Xiang Yan grew up being passed back and forth between divorced parents.”

“And you? We’ve never talked about anything like that. I don’t know about your family situation. When you come to my place, you don’t seem interested in my family, my friends, or my past. We know nothing about each other. Are we really lovers, or just bedmates?”

“Yu Lingxue, you just don’t love me enough. If you truly loved me, would you need someone to teach you? Couldn’t you think for yourself how much it hurts me when you stand me up? When you make me wait in the cold wind for two hours, do you ever wonder if I’ll catch a cold? When you ignore me for over a month, do you ever consider if I’ll get angry, if I’ll start doubting our relationship?”

Yu Qingluan couldn’t hold back her tears any longer.

She turned her head away, pinched the space between her nose and upper lip, and held her breath. But even so, tears streamed down uncontrollably.

As she struggled to breathe, Yu Lingxue was also crying so hard she could barely catch her breath.

“That’s not it, it’s not.” She wanted to explain.

About her past, her life.

Before college, she had never interacted with outsiders. Her education and life were all confined within the Yu family.

She was trapped in a small courtyard, with electronic devices as her only window to the outside world.

She had online friends, but those connections faded and drifted apart. She thought that as long as she maintained a friendly facade, she could get along with anyone. It never occurred to her that her way of interacting with people and handling situations was flawed.

She wanted to say that her feelings for Yu Qingluan were genuine she just didn’t know how to express them.

She wanted to ask why Yu Qingluan hadn’t told her earlier. Why didn’t she say something during their previous arguments and cold wars?

She opened her mouth, but only tears spoke for her.

It seemed she, too, had realized it was already too late.

The past that should have been shared during their relationship, she never spoke of or asked about. As the more privileged one, she had simply let Yu Qingluan endure it all.

The conflicts that should have been resolved during their arguments, she never delved into. Instead, she arrogantly assumed Yu Qingluan was just throwing a tantrum, that they were merely playing around.

In this relationship, she thought they had always been loving and intimate. But in the end, it turned out Yu Qingluan had been tolerating everything all along.

What had she even done over this past year?

Yu Lingxue covered her face, sobbing uncontrollably.

After a momentary loss of composure, Yu Qingluan spoke again.

Some things, once started, cannot be stopped.

That’s why she had never revealed even a hint of it to Yu Lingxue before, fearing it would damage their relationship.

Little did she know it would become one of the sources that ultimately destroyed it.

Yes, she was at fault too. But at least, they wouldn’t continue like this she wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

“You have so many friends around you, yet I never became one of them. The closest I ever got to you in school was during the anniversary performance when I brought you your costume. No one would ever think two people like us could be together. Everyone saw you as radiant, the most dazzling goddess. Do you know how much it hurt me to constantly hear such words, to face such doubts?”

“My family was never well off. The price of a single hand cream you used was equivalent to years of my family’s income. I couldn’t match your material comforts, so I grew insecure. Under the weight of others’ voices, I kept feeling I wasn’t worthy of you. I thought I should be humble because I was lacking in every way. So I believed I had to give more love, to love you even more, just to barely stand beside you. In our relationship, I never treated you or myself as equals.”

“Yu Lingxue, do you understand now? What we had was a toxic relationship from the start and now, I want to end it.”

As Yu Qingluan finished speaking, her heart felt abruptly hollow, as if something that had always belonged to her had been carved out.

The pain was unbearable, leaving her anxious and unsettled.

She pressed a hand to her chest and took a deep breath.

A searing ache burned there, and tears as large as beans rolled down her cheeks.

So, in the year or so she had been with Yu Lingxue, she had bottled up so much sorrow,

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Yu Lingxue was also crying, her voice nearly gone, leaving only faint apologies hanging in the air.

It felt like an illusion. Exhausted, Yu Qingluan closed her eyes, the echoes of words she’d heard while with Yu Lingxue still lingering in her mind.

They were never from the same world to begin with.

They never should have forced themselves together.

“I’m sorry, Xiao Niao.” Yu Lingxue suddenly stood up, rushed to Yu Qingluan’s side, grabbed her hand, and knelt down.

“I really, truly know I was wrong. I’ll change, I’ll change everything. Whatever you’re unhappy with, I can fix it. No I will fix it. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Yu Lingxue clutched Yu Qingluan’s hand, pleading, begging her to stay.

“I didn’t know, I never knew you were in so much pain. I thought you were happy when we were together, so” Yu Lingxue was crying too hard to speak.

“Please, give me one more chance. I really like you, Qingluan, I do. Why would I be with you if I didn’t? I’m not some spoiled young lady looking for amusement. Qingluan, please.”

As if about to kneel again, Yu Lingxue was firmly pulled up by Yu Qingluan, who held her hands tightly.

Yu Lingxue was dragged back to sit on the chair, weeping as if her heart would break.

Yu Qingluan shook her head. “It’s too late.”

It was all too late.

Yu Lingxue’s apologies had come far too late.

She had already given up on this relationship, given up on Yu Lingxue.

For Yu Lingxue to say these things now it was simply too late.

“No, it won’t be like that, Qingluan. I really will change. I, cough.” Yu Lingxue covered her face, weeping as if her heart were bleeding.

“Do you think this is about whether you can change or not?” Yu Qingluan gripped her hands, pulling them away to make her look into her eyes.

Yu Lingxue stared blankly, her eyes filled with nothing but tears.

“Yu Lingxue. You’re already engaged. It’s not that I want to remind you. Last time, it was your fiancee who came to warn me.”

Yu Qingluan spoke word by word, each pause making Yu Lingxue’s heart skip a beat.

“But I don’t have any feelings for her…” Yu Lingxue tried to say those words again.

“What does it matter if there are no feelings!” Yu Qingluan released her hands, tears welling up again at the thought.

“What does it matter if there are no feelings?” Yu Qingluan pulled out the video Xiang Yan had sent her.

She pressed play. Yu Lingxue had a clear, visceral reaction, but Yu Qingluan ignored it, determined to show it.

“Look clearly. You’ve already held the engagement banquet. Soon, you’ll be wives in practice, legal partners. In the future, you’ll celebrate the New Year with her, attend banquets with her, exchange rings with her, live together.”

“Yu Lingxue, can you give up this arranged marriage and choose me?”

After the video ended, Yu Qingluan’s voice suddenly grew weak.

As she asked the question, she didn’t believe Yu Lingxue would choose her.

It turned out she had never been Yu Lingxue’s first choice.

Between a patient and her, Yu Lingxue chose the patient.

Between family and friends and her, Yu Lingxue chose family and friends.

Between her sister and her, Yu Lingxue still chose her sister.

She wouldn’t blame Yu Lingxue for this.

Not anymore.

Yu Lingxue didn’t answer.

She trembled, realizing she couldn’t choose Yu Qingluan at this moment.

Not only would Jian Xi face Yan Lanshen’s retaliation.

Yan Lanshen had intentions toward her. If she gave up the arranged marriage with Yan Lanshen, he would surely take revenge on Yu Qingluan.

She was still too weak, far too weak.

She couldn’t do anything. She couldn’t protect her sister, nor could she protect her lover.

“No need to explain. I don’t blame you. Between my sister’s life and a relationship with me, I would choose my sister’s life too.”

Yu Qingluan let out a sigh, her gaze fixed on the light in the private room.

A single tear rolled down, lifeless.

“One year.” Yu Lingxue wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at Yu Qingluan.

“Wait for me for one year, please? I’ll deal with her, end this arranged marriage. I’ll get a divorce. I won’t make you the other woman.”

Yu Lingxue looked at Yu Qingluan, but all she saw was coldness.

Like that day when she chased after Yu Qingluan, who had torn up her confession letter, running and running, tripped by the cold wind, slipping on the snow. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t catch up to Yu Qingluan.

That same coldness.

Yu Lingxue opened her mouth, her teeth chattering. “Why do you really not like me anymore? Can you really not give me one more chance, just one I, I love you, Qingluan, I really love you. Just one year, that’s all I need.”