Weakness Trap - Chapter 37

“I said I don’t want to continue this relationship anymore.” Yu Qingluan turned her head away, avoiding Yu Lingxue’s gaze.

“Why? Don’t you like me anymore? Have you lost all feelings for me?” Yu Lingxue moved closer to Yu Qingluan as she spoke.

It couldn’t be. Last time, Yu Qingluan still wanted her, still had thoughts about her.

Last time they could still be together…

As long as Yu Qingluan looked at her, touched her, things would get better.

Yu Qingluan’s hand was grasped by Yu Lingxue. She shuddered and recklessly shook off Yu Lingxue’s hand, pushing her back to her original position.

“It’s not about love or not loving you. Wasn’t I clear enough?” Yu Qingluan raised her voice, stepping back to prevent Yu Lingxue from getting closer.

“Whether I love you or hate you, I don’t want any of it anymore. I don’t want to have any feelings for you. I’m tired, so tired. Yu Lingxue, I can’t take it anymore, and I don’t want to listen to the empty promises you keep making.”

“Our relationship is toxic. In the over a year we’ve been together, I’ve become someone I don’t recognize. I’ve become humble, thinking too little of myself. As long as I’m with you, my heart and eyes are completely filled with you. Whether I love you or you love me, it’s the same. I don’t want to lower my head like this anymore, I don’t want my heart to only have you, unable to do anything else. I want to live my own life, build my own career.”

“Yu Lingxue, with you, I can’t achieve any of this. I’ll become that dog again, enduring everything for you. Weak, sensitive, overthinking every little thing all day, unable to accomplish anything.”

“I still have so many things I can do. So many things I want to do. My embroidery, my studies, the career I have my eyes on, I don’t want to waste my emotions on you anymore.”

“Do you understand? It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, I just don’t want to continue loving you.” Yu Qingluan didn’t believe in herself anymore.

Nor did she believe Yu Lingxue’s words anymore.

“Wh-why?” Yu Lingxue didn’t understand.

Clearly, loving each other was a good thing, something sweet. As long as she fixed those problems, they could be happy together.

Why was Yu Qingluan saying this?

“It’s just one year, only one year, and I can leave this marriage, get rid of that person. One year one year isn’t long. Qingluan, please, wait for me, okay?”

“Because I don’t trust you!” Yu Qingluan almost used all her strength to shout these words.

It shocked Yu Lingxue into looking up, a tear sliding from her dazed eyes.

“I don’t trust you. You’ve broken your promises so many times, gone back on your word so many times. Last time we argued, you said you would change, but you never did. That time in Country M, you came to me without even handling the troubles you were in, do you have any idea how much trouble that caused me? Or are you only focused on that momentary pleasure?”

“I am a person. You are a person too. We each have our own lives to live, for a lifetime. Not just a few brief hours, not just craving those few moments of ecstasy. You never think about the future, never consider the consequences. I, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Yu Lingxue, I don’t trust you anymore. And I don’t want to love you anymore either.”

“That person can force you into an arranged marriage today, can target your sister. What about a year from now? Can you guarantee she won’t come after you again? How can you guarantee that, how will you leave her?”

Yu Qingluan spoke quickly, truly unwilling to bring it up but forced to answer out of sheer annoyance from the questioning.

“If you can’t even answer these questions, then why should I wait for you? You’re just saying pretty words, exactly the same as before.”

Yu Qingluan’s phone rang as well.

She glanced at the caller ID, and her furrowed brows relaxed slightly.

Then, ignoring Yu Lingxue’s near-breakdown sobbing, she answered the call.

“Lanlan? I’m at New Harbor Restaurant Yes, I’ve run into a bit of trouble. You’re coming to pick me up? Alright, then I’ll wait here a little longer.”

After hanging up, Yu Qingluan let out a long sigh.

That sigh carried the weight of an entire year’s worth of memories with Yu Lingxue the good and the bad, all etched into it.

Yet the sigh was also light. All she had to do was open her mouth, without exerting any effort, to let it go.

“Qingluan.” Yu Lingxue was still crying beside her.

She had coughed up a little blood, but she couldn’t stop.

The thought that even after a year, Yu Qingluan would never be with her again made her vision go dark.

It felt as if her entire life had lost all hope.

She had chased freedom, and in her relationship with Yu Qingluan, that pursuit had taken on another name, Yu Qingluan herself.

She lived for love. But now, Yu Qingluan was telling her that even if she gained freedom, this love would never be hers again.

“Stop crying,” Yu Qingluan handed her a handkerchief, at least offering that much.

“Really, stop crying. I won’t love you anymore. But your life isn’t just about me.”

“You’ll have other people. You have a sister, a family. You have so many friends. Maybe in the future, you’ll meet someone even better. Someone who won’t hide things from you, won’t endure everything alone, someone who loves you, understands you, and accepts you but not as foolish or as silly as me, someone who truly matches you.”

“There is no such person!” Yu Lingxue raised her voice, a rare occurrence, her rebuttal almost a wail.

Sobbing, she looked at Yu Qingluan, and for a moment, she hated her for her cruelty.

But that hatred lasted only a moment. After it passed, she hated herself even more.

She hated herself for not valuing Yu Qingluan enough from the start, for repeatedly pushing her to the back of her priorities, for being in a relationship for a year yet never giving her lover enough love, equal love.

Yu Lingxue was weary of the world, and at this moment, she was even more weary of herself of being incapable of doing anything right.

“There isn’t such a person. There won’t be anyone like that again. I’m not as good as you say, I don’t have those things. I don’t have a family, I don’t have freedom, I don’t have a life. My health is so poor, I don’t even have a future, Who else would like me besides you? Who else could love me like you did?”

Yu Lingxue took several shaky breaths, and a trickle of blood seeped from the corner of her mouth.

She could barely breathe, but her tears forced her to exhale both air and blood.

Covering her mouth, she was truly heartbroken.

“Just focus on recovering your health, okay? Don’t say things like that. I, I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t want to love you again. But I don’t want to see you die either.” Yu Qingluan added a few more words, afraid she might be misunderstood.

“Really, Yu Lingxue. We have a year of pleasant memories that’s enough. Let yourself go. Try to see things more clearly. There are over a billion people in China, and if you count the whole world, that’s over six billion. How could there not be someone who loves you more than I do?”

Yu Lingxue made no sound, only her eyes blinked, and even the rise and fall of her breathing grew faint.

She couldn’t explain her family or her past to Yu Qingluan now.

Some things, once the opportunity was missed, could never be spoken aloud.

“I’ve already let go of myself and this relationship. You should learn to let go too, learn to forgive yourself.”

“I can’t.” Yu Lingxue replied to Yu Qingluan’s words in an extremely faint voice.

Having seen what love truly looks like, how could she possibly release her grasp?

It was the light she had yearned for twenty-two years to finally see.

Just a glimmer was enough to soothe the pains of the past.

She hadn’t realized this until recently.

Unfortunately, it was only after Yu Qingluan had already proposed breaking up that she understood how deeply she loved Yu Qingluan, how inseparable she was from her.

Yet Yu Qingluan told her it was too late.

Unable to accept it, unable to let go.

Not knowing what to do.

It was at this moment that Yu Lingxue experienced the deepest despair.

Just then, the door was knocked open.

Yu Qingluan stood up and opened the door it was Zeng Lan.

“I knew it.” Zeng Lan felt dizzy upon seeing Yu Lingxue in the private room.

“Why are you still harassing our Qingluan?” she immediately demanded, but Yu Qingluan pulled her back.

“It’s fine. I’ve already made things clear with her.” Yu Qingluan didn’t want to argue anymore, didn’t want to make this situation any uglier.

If they parted now, perhaps years later when looking back, both hatred and love would fade. She might even be able to think of Yu Lingxue and her immature self with a faint smile.

“It’s not fine, Qingluan. I have to say this.” Zeng Lan slapped the table, demanding Yu Lingxue look up.

“For months now, Miss Yu, how amusing do you find this relentless pestering, this haunting of our Qingluan?”

“You’re so wealthy, so resourceful, living in comfort with power and influence. Our Qingluan has nothing, just being toyed with by you, wasting a year of emotions. She won’t say it, but I must speak today. Please show some mercy and let her go.”

“Stop coming to find her, stop pestering her. What you’re doing is harassment, not love.”

With that, Zeng Lan took Yu Qingluan and left the room.

Leaving Yu Lingxue alone, retching as if her heart would tear out of her chest, while Yu Qingluan had already walked far away.

Yu Lingxue was eventually taken back to the hospital by ambulance.

She had no strength left, no consciousness.

Drifting in and out of awareness, she stayed in the hospital, returning to the life she had lived for the past twenty years, but this time with a bit less purpose.

Yan Lanshen didn’t come to see her either.

The only visitor was Yu Yueheng.

Her mother would occasionally visit Yu Lingxue, bringing warm meals and sitting with her silently by the window.

There was nothing worth seeing outside. Just gloomy skies, devoid of that person’s presence. Overcast days only made Yu Lingxue feel weary.

“Mom.” Finally regaining some clarity, Yu Lingxue felt a rare comfort seeing her mother by her side instead of Yan Lanshen.

“Tell me, did I do wrong?” Without context, Yu Lingxue just wanted to know, was she wrong for not giving up on this love?

“I can’t judge.” Yu Yueheng remained as always, speaking not of right or wrong, nor of emotions, only logic.

“What did that girl say to you?”

Yu Lingxue slowly recounted Yu Qingluan’s words to her mother.

These days, whenever she opened her eyes and was awake, her mind was filled with Yu Qingluan’s words and tears.

After listening, Yu Yueheng didn’t want to upset her further, so she just gently stroked her head.

Yu Lingxue understood.

Even her mother thought she was wrong.

But she simply couldn’t let go.

She tried not to think of Yu Qingluan. She also tried to pretend she had never loved Yu Qingluan.

But if she did that, what would be left of her life? She was merely a pawn in a power struggle, someone who had only just found a sense of self and fallen in love.

Letting go wouldn’t make her happier it would only strip her of her emotions as a human being, returning her to the days when she was tossed back and forth between two families.

Yet it was only after losing everything that she learned the value of what she had.

She deserved this ending.

It was pitiful she had finally found someone to love, but she kept making mistakes.

Regret was useless now.

“She said so much. Her friends scolded me. And yet I still want to be near her. Even if it’s just watching her from afar, that would be enough.” Yu Lingxue had thought it over carefully.

She knew Yu Qingluan and that Zeng Lan were planning to open a shop in Hong Kong, selecting a location and handling the paperwork.

She could help Yu Qingluan secure a shop.

She didn’t have to say it was her doing she could arrange it quietly through others.

All she needed was to catch a glimpse of her from a distance. That would be enough.

Then she would wait a year, two at most.

Once she had dealt with Yan Lanshen, she would go back to Yu Qingluan.

This time, no matter what Yu Qingluan said, she wouldn’t leave.

She wanted to prove to Yu Qingluan.

That she wasn’t lying, that it wasn’t a jest or a joke.

She truly loved Yu Qingluan and wanted to build a future with her.

Don’t all lovers go through a period of adjustment?

If Yu Qingluan ever felt uneasy again, she would have the experience to handle it better.

Was this plan feasible?

Yu Lingxue spoke softly with Yu Yueheng, her voice growing more despondent as they talked.

“Perhaps. The girl’s main concerns lie with herself and the fact that you’ve never kept your promises. In a year or two, as she builds her business, she should mature. And you will have accomplished at least one major thing by then.”

Yu Yueheng was merely analyzing the situation. She gently stroked Yu Lingxue’s head, her eyes filled with pity as she noticed her protruding collarbones.

“This year, don’t disturb her. Focus on recovering your health, and then deal with Yan.” Yu Yueheng winked at her.

Yu Lingxue nodded and ate two more bites of dinner. Finding leverage against Yu Qingyuan would be easy, but Yan Lanshen was a different matter. Now that she had a plan, she needed to gather her strength.

She couldn’t let Yu Qingluan love a corpse.

Just one year. She could wait. As long as she could occasionally catch a distant glimpse of Yu Qingluan, she could endure.

When the time came, she would show Yu Qingluan her heart, confess her past, explain her mistakes, and demonstrate her sincere remorse Surely, Yu Qingluan would come back to her?