The Moon Upon My Heart - Chapter 32

Chapter 32: Fear

“Don’t reject me, okay?”

“Xiaoyue, this is actually a complex post-traumatic psychological disorder. So, please don’t feel burdened. I’ll help you resolve this mental block. Trust me—after all, I am a doctor.”

Hearing this, Shen Wangshu couldn’t help but smile bitterly. If her unrequited love for Ji Fengyue was a “mental block” that needed solving, she would rather remain a patient forever.

How could Ji Fengyue possibly understand? The closer they got, the more severe her “psychological problem” would become. It was incurable.

“What if it can’t be cured?”

Ji Fengyue took her beloved’s hand, distressed as she stroked fingertips that still felt chilled. “What I’m about to say will surely be rejected by you, but I still want to say it. Xiaoyue… don’t reject me, okay?”

“…” Shen Wangshu shook her head. No matter what it was, she couldn’t agree, because this fundamentally had nothing to do with Ji Fengyue.

“Xiaoyue, can you look up at me?”

Shen Wangshu remained still. She didn’t dare look at her, yet something she dreaded seeing even more entered her field of vision, striking her heart.

Watching the tears fall one by one onto the back of her hand, Shen Wangshu closed her eyes in pain, forcefully suppressing her own tears. But when she spoke, her voice trembled.

“Fine. I promise you.”

“Don’t say anymore. Whatever you want to do, I won’t refuse. So please, don’t say another word.”

Ji Fengyue sat on the edge of the bed and lifted the blanket, wanting to pull the girl—who was once again enduring pain in silence — into her arms for comfort.

But she suddenly froze. Her eyes caught the spreading red on the sheets. The large bloodstain was so vivid against the light-colored fabric that Ji Fengyue’s mind went blank, kicked back into her old nightmares.

Her body began to tremble. She gripped Shen Wangshu’s hand with the strength of a drowning person clutching a straw. Her breathing became so ragged it sounded as if there were a gaping hole in her lungs.

Shen Wangshu immediately sensed something was wrong and looked up. Ji Fengyue was deathly pale, her eyes terrifyingly hollow. Her mouth was open, but she lacked the strength to pull the much-needed air into her lungs; her only strength was concentrated in her grip on Shen Wangshu’s hand.

“Fengyue, what’s wrong? Ji Fengyue?!”

Shen Wangshu frantically embraced her, stroking her back with slow, firm movements. She soothed, “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m right here.”

“Come on, control your breathing. Deep breath in… and out. It’s no big deal, it’s just my period. I’m fine, Fengyue. Calm down, keep breathing deeply…”

Fortunately, Ji Fengyue soon regained her composure. She hugged Shen Wangshu tightly, her forehead resting against the other’s neck, eyes closed, refusing to speak.

“Fengyue, you…”

“I’m the one who can’t leave you, Xiaoyue.”

“Heh. A surgeon like me… how could I possibly stay in a hospital?”

“…You have hemophobia?”

“No. I’m just afraid. Afraid of what happened that day happening again,” Ji Fengyue refused to elaborate further. “Xiaoyue, does your stomach hurt? We don’t have any heat packs at home right now. Let me rub it for you; your body is so cold.”

Shen Wangshu desperately wanted to refuse, but Ji Fengyue’s state just now was too worrying. She couldn’t bring herself to say no.

A warm palm pressed against her lower abdomen, separated only by a thin layer of clothing. Shen Wangshu instinctively tried to shrink away uncomfortably, but Ji Fengyue held her too tight.

She didn’t care about the blood on the bed, nor did she care about Shen Wangshu’s reaction. Her hand crossed the boundary of the shirt, touching skin. Her palm was fully pressed against it.

“Xiaoyue, it’s so cold here. You have to keep it warm.”

Shen Wangshu reflexively flinched, but Ji Fengyue actually moved closer.

“Does it hurt? It must hurt a lot. You lost so much blood.”

“It doesn’t hurt, it’s just a bit uncomfortable. You don’t need to rub it. I need to go to the bathroom and change. Are there any pads in the house?” Shen Wangshu pressed down on the hand that wanted to move further. Ji Fengyue’s reaction was too abnormal. What on earth was she trying to do?

“No. I’ll go buy some right now. Don’t worry, Xiaoyue, I’ll be back soon.”

Ji Fengyue took a deep breath, her lips brushing against the skin of her beloved’s neck. The steady pulse represented a vivid, beating heart. The person in her arms was alive, possessing vitality. She finally let go.

“Xiaoyue, I’m sorry for scaring you just now. I’m fine. Don’t be afraid, and don’t let this give you unnecessary psychological pressure.”

Ji Fengyue kept her head down, backing out of the bedroom step by step. Shen Wangshu only managed to see her lower lip, which was still marked with white indentations. She had bitten it so hard; if she had used any more force, it might have broken, spilling more blood.

The one truly suffering from post-traumatic stress was her.

Shen Wangshu covered her eyes, the tears she had been holding back finally flowing silently.

She knew. Ji Fengyue had been so looking forward to that vacation. She had invited her to the restaurant at the top of the skyscraper and prepared so many travel plans in advance—but everything was destroyed by the car crash.

Her career, her pride, her everything all vanished in the fire along with her friend. How could Ji Fengyue possibly endure it?

How could she cure Ji Fengyue’s heart? Shen Wangshu didn’t know. She didn’t even dare think about what would have happened if she hadn’t been reborn. If the Ji Fengyue at school had encountered the actual fifteen-year-old Shen Wangshu, what would their ending have been?

Thankfully, she had been reborn. Thankfully, she hadn’t run away out of guilt. If she had truly run, Ji Fengyue would have surely gone mad.

What should she do? What could she do?

Shen Wangshu wiped her tears and stumbled into the bathroom. Ji Fengyue had turned on the heat lamp before leaving, and a change of clothes and towels were already prepared.

Looking at them, she couldn’t stop the tears from falling again. The hot water of the shower hit her body, creating a warm vapor.

Amidst the billowing white steam, Shen Wangshu looked at her thin, underdeveloped, child-like body and finally couldn’t suppress a sob. But the sound was strangled in her throat; the room was too well soundproofed. Outside the bathroom, only the sound of rushing water could be heard.

Ji Fengyue returned carrying large bags, bringing with her the damp air of a summer rain. She walked straight to the bathroom. Steam was still rising from within; evidently, Shen Wangshu hadn’t locked the door.

Standing before the bathroom door, Ji Fengyue hesitated for a moment before knocking. “Xiaoyue, I’ve put the pads by the door. I’m going to make some brown sugar and egg soup. Drink it when you’re done; it’s good for you.”

“Don’t wash for too long. You’ll catch a cold easily, okay?”

“Mm. I’ll be out in a second.”

The brown sugar and egg soup was ready quickly. When Ji Fengyue brought the bowl out, Shen Wangshu was already sitting at the table. Her hair wasn’t fully dry, showing obvious dampness.

Ji Fengyue immediately put the bowl down and pulled her back toward the bathroom. “Xiaoyue, why didn’t you dry your hair before coming out? Wet hair leads to colds easily, especially during your period!”

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” Shen Wangshu, forced back into a chair, blinked innocently. “I don’t get sick that easily. You’re just too tense.”

“You still have to be careful!”

Ji Fengyue took a deep breath and turned on the hairdryer. Along with the gentle, warm breeze, her words seemingly calm but actually filled with extreme obsession—drifted into Shen Wangshu’s ears.

“If you get sick again, I won’t be able to stop myself from doing things that might repel you. Xiaoyue, I don’t want to pressure you, but I can’t control myself.”

Does she know what she’s saying? Shen Wangshu’s heart sank again. “Alright. I’ll be careful. I promise, it won’t happen again.”

“I’m sorry for making you worry again.”

Shen Wangshu shook her head. “We’re even.”

Ji Fengyue didn’t speak further, gently drying Shen Wangshu’s hair. Her gaze was very tender. Shen Wangshu could see her expression in the mirror’s reflection. Without her glasses and with a different hairstyle, she looked completely different from the “Dr. Ji” Shen Wangshu knew best. She felt strangely like a stranger.

That’s right. They had been apart for three years. How could Shen Wangshu still read her mind?

“Xiaoyue, your hair is much longer than before. Can I trim it for you?” Ji Fengyue made a scissoring motion with her fingers, pointing at the ends of Shen Wangshu’s hair. “The ends are messy. You’ll look even cuter after a trim, I promise.”

“Whatever you want. Just don’t ruin it.”

Ji Fengyue smiled. “Xiaoyue, you have to trust me.”

“It’s because I trust you that I’m saying this. Otherwise, I wouldn’t agree.”

“Mm. That’s how it should be.”

Ji Fengyue actually took a pair of scissors from the cabinet by the mirror. After laying down a towel, she began to trim Shen Wangshu’s hair with extreme care. The hair wasn’t quite dry yet, the damp ends making it easier to cut.

With one snip after another, the stray strands fell bit by bit to the floor. Shen Wangshu watched the person in the mirror. Her head was bowed, her expression even gentler than before, even carrying a hint of a smile. Shen Wangshu couldn’t understand what was there to be so happy about?

“After I died… did you often have those episodes? What was it called hyperventilation?”

Ji Fengyue’s hand paused. She sighed. “It’s hyperventilation syndrome. Xiaoyue, talking about this while I’m cutting your hair aren’t you afraid I’ll mess it up?”

“Then I’ll just go to a salon and get it all cut off. It’s no big deal.”

“No. Who knows the skill level of those stylists out there? I still think my cut suits you best.”

Shen Wangshu remained silent, meeting Ji Fengyue’s eyes in the mirror. Her expression was solemn. The latter could only manage a helpless, bitter smile. “No. I only had a panic attack on the day you died. It never happened again after that.”

“Then why did it happen today?”

“Because I was afraid. That’s all. Even if my rational mind knows that blood loss from endometrial shedding is a normal physiological process for women, I still can’t control myself. Can you accept that answer?”

“How can it be cured?”

Ji Fengyue’s smile faded. She looked down to continue tidying the ends. Finally, she wiped the scissors clean, put them back in the cabinet, removed the towel from Shen Wangshu’s shoulders, and meticulously cleared away the tiny hair clippings from her neck.

“This might put a lot of psychological pressure on you.” She finally spoke.

Shen Wangshu let out a soft huff. “You think I don’t have pressure even if you don’t say it?”

“I’m sorry.”

“If you say ‘sorry’ or ‘I’m sorry’ one more time, I’m moving out right now.”

Ji Fengyue tightened her hand, then sighed again. “Let’s go outside and talk. If we keep chatting, the brown sugar soup will get cold. It’ll be a waste.”

“I don’t want to drink it, and I don’t need to.”

Ji Fengyue took another step back, her voice almost pleading: “Let’s go outside and talk, okay? Xiaoyue.”

Shen Wangshu took her hand and walked out of the bathroom with large strides, though she could still hear Ji Fengyue’s nagging in her ear.

“Xiaoyue, walk slower. Careful of your stomach.”

“Do you want to talk across the table, or on the sofa while I hold you?”

“…Xiaoyue, you’re so cold.”

“Mm. Because I want to solve the problem first. At least have a solution.”

Ji Fengyue, thinking of something, actually laughed again. “Alright. We’ll do it your way. Let’s talk on the sofa. I want to hold you.”

“Xiaoyue, as long as you’re by my side, I won’t be afraid anymore.”

Shen Wangshu indeed sat on the sofa and held her, letting the other woman embrace her tightly, her face almost buried in her.

“You can continue now.”

“Xiaoyue, you have to promise me. Once I say it, you won’t be angry, okay?”

“I’m not angry. I’m worried about you.”

Ji Fengyue laughed into the crook of her beloved’s neck. “I know. But I’m still afraid. Afraid you’ll be angry, afraid your pressure will be too much, afraid you’ll leave me because of it.”

“The root of my illness is the fear of you leaving. As long as you stay by my side, healthy and safe, I will never have an episode.”

“But I know, Xiaoyue. You won’t stay by my side forever, will you? You’ve wanted to leave for a long time.”

“When you were reborn and realized I was a regressor too… you really wanted to abandon me and run away on your own, didn’t you?”