The Moon Upon My Heart - Chapter 31

Chapter 31: Determination

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault.”

At 3:30 AM, the deep night sky began to reveal a faint shimmer of light. The clouds raced with the wind, leaving distinct streaks across the firmament.

Looking down the mountain, the mist was thick and far darker than the sky. Inside the campsite, the only lights came from the bright lamps beside the tents. The moths that had fluttered all night seemed exhausted, resting on the ground and tables, their wings fanning slowly. It made one wonder if their short lives were nearing an end.

Shen Wangshu and Ji Fengyue walked to the railing at the cliff’s edge. It was incredibly quiet; the only visible light was the flashlight in Ji Fengyue’s hand, and the only warmth came from the blanket Ji Fengyue had wrapped around Shen Wangshu’s shoulders.

“Xiaoyue, are you pushing yourself again? You don’t look well.”

Shen Wangshu shook her head. “I feel happy, just a little tired.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

Ji Fengyue pressed her lips thin, saying in a muffled voice, “Xiaoyue, wait here a moment. I’m going to get a chair.”

“Mm, thank you.”

Shen Wangshu leaned against the railing and let out a long sigh. She couldn’t help but wonder: why was she sighing? It should have been a happy day. Was it because the clouds were too thick, hiding the sunlight and the moon?

Ji Fengyue returned quickly. “Xiaoyue, don’t lean on the railing. It’s cold; be careful not to catch a chill.”

Shen Wangshu smiled at her. “I’m not that fragile. It’s just a bit chilly, and I have the blanket. I won’t catch a cold.”

Ji Fengyue still frowned. Shen Wangshu took her hand, and they sat side-by-side on the bench. They were close enough for Shen Wangshu to pull her friend who was neglecting her own warmth into the blanket with her.

“Your hands are much colder than mine, Fengyue. You need to care more about your own body.”

Ji Fengyue didn’t say a word. She pulled the other girl into her arms, burying her face in the side of Shen Wangshu’s neck. After a long while, she spoke in a stifled voice: “You should have told me.”

“Hmm?”

“If you weren’t feeling well, you shouldn’t have come to the mountain. It’s so cold at night. If you catch a cold or a fever, my heart will break.”

“Well… it hadn’t reached the point of feeling ‘unwell.’ I just haven’t slept well these last few nights, so I’m a bit tired.”

“That is feeling unwell!”

Shen Wangshu laughed silently. “But you were so looking forward to this. And you’re so obedient even though you can’t sleep, you force yourself to because of what I said. So I can also…”

“No!”

“You can’t! You shouldn’t force yourself!” Ji Fengyue tightened her arms. She knew that to Shen Wangshu, her words might sound like a childish tantrum, but she had to say them.

“You are the most important. Your health, your mood, your wishes… Anyway, I just don’t want you to force yourself, no matter who it’s for!”

Shen Wangshu didn’t reply. She closed her eyes, leaning into Ji Fengyue’s embrace. Strangely, drowsiness suddenly flooded her mind—even though she hadn’t been able to sleep at all in the sleeping bag earlier.

“Xiaoyue, are you going to sleep?”

“No, I just don’t know how to answer you,” Shen Wangshu nuzzled into the warm source behind her, answering honestly. “As you know, because I can’t do it, I can’t give you an answer.”

“…”

“Are you angry?”

“Yes. Very angry. So you have to coax me to make me happy.”

Amused by the childish request, Shen Wangshu turned her head, her eyes curving as she said, “Then what do you want? This ‘big sister’ will promise you anything.”

Ji Fengyue stared intently at her beloved’s face, specifically at those curved eyes and the prominent dark circles beneath them. “You haven’t slept well in a long time either, have you?”

“From the moment you were reborn until now, you’ve also had insomnia. In fact, you stay awake the whole night, and the moment you fall asleep, you have nightmares, don’t you?”

Shen Wangshu’s smile gradually turned bittersweet, but she kept smiling. “Sorry. I guess you found me out after all.”

“In those nights at the dorm, you rarely made a sound turning over. I should have noticed sooner. I should have realized.”

“Don’t worry about such small things. Insomnia is my problem; it’s not your fault.”

“How could I not worry!” Ji Fengyue bit her lip. She wanted to say so much, but given their current relationship and the distance Shen Wangshu maintained, she couldn’t say a word.

“Why won’t you let me know?”

Shen Wangshu shifted, adjusting her posture within Ji Fengyue’s forceful arms, and closed her eyes again.

“Same as you, I was afraid you’d worry. Fengyue, I don’t want to become a burden to you again, making you worry for me.”

“You still haven’t let go of the past life, even though I don’t care about any of that!”

“Mm. Because I can’t let go. Because I care very much.”

Ji Fengyue’s silence made Shen Wangshu sigh. Her words were light and slow, but they made Ji Fengyue’s face look even more pained. “I can’t just let it go, Fengyue. Aren’t you the same? If you had let go, you wouldn’t be holding me this tightly, as if you’re afraid I’ll suddenly disappear even though I won’t.”

But the way you act makes it seem like you could disappear at any moment! Ji Fengyue couldn’t say it. She was too sad. This was completely different from their past life; the old Shen Wangshu wasn’t like this.

The saddest part was that Ji Fengyue knew exactly why there was such a thick, soul-deep exhaustion radiating from her.

“Xiaoyue, are you very tired?”

“I suppose so.”

“Because you haven’t slept well?”

“Mm.”

“Then how can I make you sleep well?”

Shen Wangshu didn’t answer. She unconsciously shrank further into Ji Fengyue’s arms; she was so tired she couldn’t even keep her eyes open.

“Xiaoyue, can you tell me… when exactly were you reborn?”

“The first day of school. But I didn’t want to go.”

Ji Fengyue’s breath hitched. She leaned close to the ear of the girl who seemed on the verge of sleep and asked in her softest voice, “Xiaoyue, when you were first reborn, what were you thinking?”

“Ah… if you knew, you’d definitely be very angry. So I don’t want to say.”

“I promise you, I absolutely won’t be angry. Tell me, okay?”

Being coaxed by the person she loved while in a half-dreaming state, Shen Wangshu’s exhausted willpower finally vanished. She spoke the words she absolutely should never have let Ji Fengyue know.

“Mm… actually, I didn’t want to be reborn. It would have been better if I had just died in the hospital. Then I wouldn’t have to…” The rest of the words were mumbled and incoherent. Ji Fengyue couldn’t hear what followed; her mind had already gone blank.

How strange. Is it raining? Why is water falling on my face? Shen Wangshu tried to open her eyes, but her vision was blocked by the blanket. Even though it was so dark, it was so warm.

“Fengyue, is it raining?”

Ji Fengyue wrapped the blanket tightly around the girl struggling to wake from her dream, soothing her with the gentlest voice: “Yes, it suddenly started raining. I’ll carry you back. We’ll drive home quickly so we don’t get trapped on the mountain by the storm.”

“Rest well. By the time you wake up, we’ll be home. Be good.”

Shen Wangshu nodded instinctively. She completely lowered her guard and surrendered herself entirely to Ji Fengyue.

Sure enough, only in Ji Fengyue’s arms could she sleep peacefully.

Holding the now deeply asleep Shen Wangshu, Ji Fengyue sat dazed by the viewing platform. Her tears had dried, and the horizon was growing brighter.

By a stroke of luck, the thick eastern clouds were scattered by the gale, revealing a small opening. Through that gap, the first light of the rising sun pierced through. Due to the scattering of the clouds, the sky glowed with a romantic pink hue.

The wind pushed the opening wider. At sunrise, the orange-red sun, like a salted egg yolk, peeked through the hole. Such a sunrise was a sight few people would ever see.

Unfortunately, the only person sitting there had no heart to appreciate such a rare and beautiful scene.

In less than two minutes, the dark clouds were blown back by the wind. The gap vanished, the sunlight disappeared, and the sky dimmed once more.

Ji Fengyue picked up Shen Wangshu and walked slowly toward the tent. Lin Xuxi had also woken up; she went to wave a greeting, but the moment she saw Ji Fengyue’s expression, she froze. Not a single word came out.

“Cousin, it looks like it’s going to rain. Let’s pack up and go back. We can’t get trapped on the mountain.”

“Okay, I’ll pack the tent now… Uh, your eyes, what happened?”

Ji Fengyue lowered her head to press her face against her sleeping beloved’s. When she looked up again, those bloodshot eyes, which had been filled with daze just moments ago, were now brimming with determination.

“It was just the wind. Don’t worry about it.”

“Pack up quickly. Let’s go home early.”

Lin Xuxi’s intuition screamed that something was wrong. Her sleepiness vanished instantly as she scrambled to pack the tent and the trunk. Throughout the process, Ji Fengyue stood still, holding Shen Wangshu, looking like a motionless wooden statue.

Seeing her like this made Lin Xuxi even more nervous. Hiss, they were fine last night. What on earth happened to them?

She couldn’t handle this situation alone. She’d have to call her aunt to come back and check!

…

When Shen Wangshu opened her eyes, her whole body felt sore, as if she had been through a rough, bumpy ride.

Hmm? Shouldn’t I be on the mountain? Where is this?

Looking at the unfamiliar ceiling, Shen Wangshu was dazed for a moment, unable to react.

“Xiaoyue, you’re awake. Did you sleep well?”

“Uh, alright. I just feel a bit achy.” Seeing Ji Fengyue, Shen Wangshu remembered what happened before she fell asleep and instinctively tried to avoid her gaze.

“It might have been the bumps in the car. I’m sorry. I didn’t consider your condition and selfishly dragged you to the mountain.”

Shen Wangshu sat up in bed. She wanted to get up, but Ji Fengyue didn’t give her the chance.

“Xiaoyue, are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?”

Shen Wangshu reflexively touched her stomach. It felt bloated and, for some reason, a bit uncomfortable. She shook her head. “I don’t think I’m hungry yet. No thanks.”

“What time is it? Is it already night? It seems very dark outside.” The curtains were drawn, and Shen Wangshu could only hear the muffled sound of rain.

“No, it’s 11:30 AM. It’s raining hard outside, which is why it looks dark,” Ji Fengyue explained as she saw Shen Wangshu looking toward the window. “During the renovation, I specifically had soundproofing installed in the study and bedrooms so we wouldn’t have to worry about our studies or rest being disturbed.”

“If you’re hungry, go ahead and eat. Don’t mind me, I’m not hungry.”

“I can’t help but mind, Xiaoyue.”

Shen Wangshu opened her mouth, but her head dropped futilely. She gripped the blanket, feeling a sharp pain starting in her lower abdomen. She asked with a sigh, “When you heard what I said this morning… Did you cry? It shouldn’t have been raining yet then.”

“Don’t worry. I don’t have those thoughts anymore. The reality after being reborn is much better than I imagined. The future is still something to look forward to.”

“Oh.”

“You’re angry.”

“Yes. I’m angry at myself. I never realized how you were feeling, and I put so much psychological pressure on you. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

Shen Wangshu couldn’t find a way to reply. Ji Fengyue’s tone was too serious; it felt as though no matter what was said, she would take all the blame upon herself. But clearly, it wasn’t her fault.