The Moon Upon My Heart - Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Recognition

She sobbed so hard she could barely speak a complete sentence.

“Drink this. It’s warm, and I added a little sugar. Sweetness can help calm your heart.”

“Thank you.” Shen Wangshu took small sips of the warm sugar water in her cup. She was nearly curled into a ball on the sofa, looking so timid and frail that her mere expression was enough to make one’s heart ache.

Looking at her like this, Ji Fengyue felt a restless urge to pull her into an embrace, yet she didn’t dare act. She could only sit beside her with her back rigid, leaving a small gap of half a body’s width between them.

“…Actually, I’m not that sad, really,” Shen Wangshu said slowly after a long silence. “I just didn’t expect it to be this early.”

“I knew my parents would split up. My father hasn’t even contacted me for the last two months.”

“Maybe they’ve actually been divorced for a long time and just kept it a secret to hide it from me,” at this point, Shen Wangshu suddenly let out a self-mocking laugh. “That’s why I wanted to test into a high school in the provincial capital. I’d rather leave home and live at school full-time than stay in that house anymore.”

“Becoming more independent is good; it puts my mother’s mind at ease so she can go find her own happiness.”

Ji Fengyue watched her expression, but her worry only deepened. Shen Wangshu was always like this—as if by simply stating she wasn’t sad or convincing herself she didn’t care, she could truly let it go.

But this was merely a form of self-deceptive hypnosis. All the pressure would accumulate in her heart until one day, when she could no longer hold it down, it would explode completely.

Just like before, when Shen Wangshu had returned from her father’s wedding banquet; only by borrowing a bit of liquid courage from alcohol did she dare let her sorrow show and speak those words.

That was how Ji Fengyue knew that Shen Wangshu had always wanted a home of her own—and the family she had chosen was her, Ji Fengyue.

Feeling a dull ache in her chest, Ji Fengyue said softly, “Mm, I also think you’re doing the right thing. Rather than letting a whole family torture one another because of a failed marriage, it’s better to choose divorce and let everyone seek their own happiness. That is the best decision for everyone involved.”

She picked up the other cup of sugar water from the table, moistened her throat, and continued: “My parents’ divorce was actually something I encouraged.”

“Since living together brought nothing but arguments, complaints, and mutual accusations draining the energy of every family member and dragging everyone’s life into a deeper abyss—it was better to just dump the irresponsible man. I told my mother to take her daughter and strike out independently in a bigger city; life there wouldn’t be worse than it was.”

“That’s what I told my mom back then. I proved to her that I could live on my own so she could feel safe going to work in another province. Later, she seized the opportunities of the era and took advantage of policy changes to build her own factory. In three years, she went from being nearly destitute to being able to casually buy an apartment for her daughter as a gift.”

“The choice to divorce transformed my mom from a rural woman trapped in her hometown and farmlands into a powerful career woman with her own business. Although she’s busy with work, she is much happier than she was before.”

“Last year, my mother brought my grandmother to a big coastal city for medical treatment. She no longer has to endure pain and receives the best care. She’s out of the hospital now and living a very happy life; she smiles every day and looks at least twenty years younger than before.”

Having said all this, Ji Fengyue turned to meet the eyes of the stunned Shen Wangshu, a sincere smile spreading across her face. “Even that irresponsible man doesn’t have to argue with anyone after coming home; drinking every day suits him perfectly. He should be living quite happily too.”

“You see? After the divorce, everyone ended up happy and satisfied. Isn’t that a good thing?”

Shen Wangshu held the cup of sugar water, which had already gone cold, and stared quietly at her friend, who seemed somewhat proud of herself. “Mm, it is very good.”

“But what about you? Do you feel happy?”

“Of course. Everyone has a better life, and I live very comfortably on my own. If your parents can be like this, it might be hard to accept in the short term, but in the long run, it’s good for everyone. You really don’t need to be that sad. Besides, you’re still their daughter.”

“…Right. So I’m only a little bit sad. I know they will both be happier after they split,” Shen Wangshu looked away, watching the rippling surface of the water in the cup and sighing softly. “But at the same time, I know that in their future happy lives, there is no place for me.”

“Living alone is very free. You must think that way, which is why you don’t mind at all.” Thinking of the trouble she had caused Ji Fengyue in the past, Shen Wangshu felt even more miserable. It turned out that a long time ago, she had already been a burden and a drag to Ji Fengyue.

“Ji Fengyue, I am not a fifteen-year-old child. I don’t need this kind of roundabout enlightened counseling. Thank you for the comfort, but compared to you, I really am a coward.”

“We both came back to the past, yet you easily changed everything around you and fixed the regrets of the past. But I’m just timidly escaping reality, not even daring to acknowledge who we are to each other.”

Shen Wangshu smiled bitterly, her expression filled with heartache. She set the cup down; the sound of glass hitting the table caused the smile on Ji Fengyue’s face to freeze.

“I’m sorry. Back then, it must have been very exhausting for you to take care of someone as solitary as me. I will repay that debt to you.”

“It wasn’t a burden! I… I did it willingly. Wangshu, there’s no need to be so distant with me,” Ji Fengyue felt a sudden panic. She grabbed Shen Wangshu’s hand, her voice urgent. “There is no need for us to say such things. You helped me a lot too. It was all what I should have done.”

Shen Wangshu looked sadly at the person she had once loved most, her thick eyelashes trembling involuntarily. “I’m not as fragile as you think. There’s really no need to worry about me. I will learn from you. When I go home later, I will have a good talk with my mother.”

“You are my best friend. You were then, and that won’t change in the future,” Shen Wangshu gave Ji Fengyue a smile that looked like she was about to cry. “I hope you won’t look down on a useless friend like me, Fengyue.”

The reaction, so different from what she had imagined, made Ji Fengyue even more frantic. She gripped Shen Wangshu’s hand tightly, looking earnestly at her friend whose face was written with sorrow yet who was forcing a smile.

“No, that’s not it! You’re wonderful, you have so many strengths. You aren’t a useless person. I’m sorry, I said the wrong thing just now. I forgot how much you care about your parents. I shouldn’t have forced my perspective on you…”

But Shen Wangshu only shook her head gently. “Fengyue, we are peers. You don’t need to coax me like a child.”

“Even though, in the past, I relied on you too much, caused you a lot of trouble, and took advantage of our friendship to force my way into your life…”

Shen Wangshu found it difficult to go on, yet she pushed through: “But don’t worry, I won’t do that anymore. Since I’ve returned to the age of fifteen, I should grow up regardless. I won’t trouble you again.”

“I am so sorry for disregarding your wishes and selfishly wanting… wanting to become family with you, making you carry a burden you couldn’t bear to cast aside. And after my… after my car accident… you took such care of me…”

Even her own parents didn’t care about her and didn’t want her anymore. Only Ji Fengyue cared for her, only she looked after her. How could there be such a good friend?

Thinking of these things, thinking of the helplessness and resentment she felt while in that hospital bed, and thinking of the tears she saw in Ji Fengyue’s eyes before she died, Shen Wangshu could no longer suppress the surging tears. Large droplets rolled down like broken strings of pearls. She sobbed so hard she could barely get a full sentence out.

“I’m sorry… uugh… for causing you so much trouble. It must have been so exhausting then… with not a single person… who could help you…”

“No, I didn’t find it a problem! Taking care of you was my own choice, I…” Ji Fengyue was at a total loss. She didn’t know what to say to comfort her crush, who had suddenly suffered an emotional breakdown. After a moment’s hesitation, she pulled the girl forcefully into her arms.

“It’s okay. Just cry. You’ll feel better after you cry,” she said, gently stroking the trembling back of the girl in her embrace. “We’ve both been reborn and returned to the past. That kind of accident won’t happen again.”

The muffled sobs of the girl made Ji Fengyue’s heart ache terribly. She could only do her best to say words that, in truth, offered little comfort: “Just enjoy being young again. You don’t have to worry about anything. Study hard at school, have fun with friends during the holidays… As for your parents, I am so sorry.”

“Even if neither of them wants you, I will want you. It’s their fault for not knowing how good you are,” at this point, Ji Fengyue closed her eyes bitterly and forced out the words she didn’t want to say at all. “We are best friends. We are… family without blood relation.”

“Living with you made me very happy. If I had to choose, I only want to live with you. That’s why since I came back, I’ve been taking the initiative to get close to you at school. I’m sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t realize immediately that you had been reborn too, and then I was too cowardly to acknowledge it.”

“Wangshu, I’m the one who can’t live alone. All these years, I’ve been worried that I was just dreaming. So when I found you were different from what I imagined, I didn’t dare confirm it with you… Actually, I rely on you very much too. After you left, in less than half a year, I…”