Longing for the Stars - Chapter 31

Yard Clibbery.

He was in the same year as Al and me, and he probably fell for Al even before I did. I’m sure there were many others who liked Al, but only Yard and I actually took action. Even then, Yard was incredibly slow to move.

Not that I really cared. It was a settled matter in my mind that Al would be mine. I didn’t feel like I could lose, and I never even considered him to be on the same level as me.

After all, if you aren’t desperate, it means you don’t love him that much. I wasn’t even interested in such half-hearted feelings or lack of resolve.

However, it wasn’t pleasant seeing my Al interact with others. Even so, I couldn’t be with him every second of the day. Plus, because I wasn’t exactly the smartest, I ended up leaving Al alone that day.

It seems Yard made the most of that chance, and that was the first day I felt truly irritated with him. Al’s beautiful hair glowing in the sunset, his troubled face when he couldn’t understand his studies, and the act of helping him—all of that belonged to me. I was furious at Yard for snatching it away.

Because I was angry, I touched Al specifically so Yard could see.

Everything you wanted to do, I’m already doing. Everything you’ll want to do from now on, I’ll do. I will never show you a gap to slip into, and I will never give you an opening.

Al is mine.

…Thinking back now, what a desperate, insecure way to mark my territory.

Actually, the only reason I can feel secure now is because Al belongs to me—body and soul. I have to give a small, bitter laugh at how little I’ve actually grown.

But because I have this security, there are things I can finally see.

“…Was I really like that?”

I remembered the look in Zanna-san’s eyes from earlier.

I know that look. In fact, until very recently, I was the one directing that look at Al.

A chaotic light mixed with obsession, affection, possessiveness, and a hint of anger. It was very similar—no, exactly the same as the way I used to look at Al. But that look isn’t directed at the person you love. It’s directed at everyone else around them.

It’s a pressure meant to signal that no one else is allowed to interfere. Having felt that same pressure from someone else for the first time, I was now reflecting on my actions. I placed my extra-large breakfast plate on the wooden table and let out a long, deep sigh.

That look is terrifying.

“Oh, what’s wrong, Louvre?”

“Captain.”

The Captain sat down across from me, placing a breakfast plate just as piled high as mine.

“You look a bit low on energy.”

“…I’m currently reflecting on my past self…”

“…Reflecting? You?”

“Even I reflect on things sometimes!”

Yes, I can see it now because I have room to breathe. Apparently, I was causing quite a lot of “trouble” for those around me. But let me make a small excuse.

For the past eight years, I truly worked incredibly hard from the bottom of my heart to make Al love me. (Of course, I worked hard on magic studies too, but Al was always the top priority.)

Honestly, I worked so hard that I couldn’t see anyone but Al, and I truly had zero interest in anyone else. But I did have hostility. Al is cute and beautiful, so it wouldn’t be strange for anyone to fall for him at any time. That’s why I was always by his side, constantly warning everyone else off.

…With the kind of eyes Zanna-san just pointed at me.

No wonder Al chewed me out for having communication problems. I was basically leaking murderous intent through my eyes.

“…Well, I think it’s just a case of ‘youthful indiscretion.'”

The Captain’s voice as he bit into his bread helped me pull my sinking thoughts back up. The man sitting in front of me is probably a good twelve years older than me, and definitely has more life experience.

The phrase “youthful indiscretion” felt like a lifeline to me right now.

“The only thing you’d ever reflect on is stuff regarding Stark. You were talking to Zanna earlier, weren’t you? That guy is scary.”

I nodded my head vigorously. The Captain laughed as if it were funny. It was a very manly way of laughing.

“To me, he’s still a brat, but you’re even more of a brat. I guess seeing a crazy guy who reminds you of yourself made you think about a few things.”

“…Captain, can you read my mind?”

“As if. If I had a special skill like that, I wouldn’t be stationed here.”

“Go on, eat,” he prompted, and I reached for my soup. The soup was full of large chunks of vegetables—it felt more like a stew but I didn’t mind and took a spoonful. Behind the delicate seasoning that contradicted the soup’s appearance, I felt like I could see the unique personality of Bibin-san, and for a moment, my face went blank.

“…How old can you be and still have ‘youthful indiscretion’ forgiven?”

“Who knows. Well, once you leave the academy, you’re treated as an adult, but from my perspective, you’re all still fledglings. As long as the people older than you are still willing to scold you for your actions, you’ll be fine.”

“…When it comes to Al, I’ll probably still be having youthful indiscretions when I’m an old man…”

“You’re using the phrase wrong, Louvre.”

The Captain gave a wry smile and moved on to his salad.

“It’s normal for you to lose your mind over Stark. ……We here can accept that, but I don’t know about the future.”

The future. Hearing that made me feel like a string had been pulled tight.

“You’ll return to the Royal Capital eventually. That’s already a settled matter. I don’t know how many years away it is, but it’s a certain future. If you’re going to take Stark with you, you’re definitely the one who has to put in the effort.”

Suddenly, Al’s face came to mind.

On that day when I asked if he intended to leave me, Al said yes. I couldn’t forgive that at the time, but now I’m starting to understand.

I really wasn’t seeing what was around me.

I was so desperate to have Al, and to make sure he only looked at me, that I said I’d take him to the Royal Capital without thinking about his feelings at all. That thought hasn’t changed, and if I were asked today, I’d give the exact same answer.

I can’t imagine a life without Al anymore.

Al is probably the same. I don’t think he can imagine a life without me either. We’ve been together for so long, and now that we’ve shared our hearts and bodies, that feeling must be even stronger. And yet, the reason Al once decided to leave me… was probably me.

The reason he said we should be in different squads, and the reason he couldn’t see a future with me—the cause was all me. Al was probably thinking about my future more seriously than I was, and that’s how he reached that conclusion.

Actually, I’m sure of it. I have no proof, but my intuition says so.

And because Al is kind, he always prioritizes other people’s circumstances over his own feelings.

“Haaaaah~~~~~…”

“What are you sighing for?”

“…Hey, Captain.”

“Yeah?”

“Is it possible that Al actually loves me a lot?”

The Captain, who had finished almost his entire massive plate, widened his eyes at my words. Then, he laughed manfully again before speaking.

“What, you only just noticed?”

You’re both so dense. The Captain laughed heartily and finished his breakfast before leaving the canteen with a “See ya.” The area was as noisy as ever. I could hear Bibin-san’s loud voice, and now that the Captain was gone, other people were starting to talk to me.

But I only gave them one-word replies and hurriedly shoveled down the rest of my breakfast. I finished in no time, and as I went to return my tray, Bibin-san stopped me. I instinctively knitted my brows.

“Oh, stop making such a scary face.”

“I’m in a hurry!”

“I can see that. I only have one thing to say: make Stark-chan eat this. I bet you did it so hard he can’t even get out of bed~. Honestly, you two are so energetic every time you’re off duty.”

Even when she winked with eyelashes so thick they could create a breeze, or talked about my night with Al, I strangely didn’t feel irritated with Bibin-san. Instead, it was an indescribable awkwardness, like being caught by my mother.

Inside the paper bag she handed me was fruit. I thought that would indeed be easy to eat in bed. When I looked up, Bibin-san was watching me with a warm, knowing look, and I instinctively took half a step back.

“…It’s quite moving. It feels like I’m watching my own child’s love life…”

“Bibin-san, seconds please.”

“!”

“Oh my! Zanna-chan! I’ll give you as many helpings as you want! Here you go!”

In contrast to me, who jumped like a wild animal, Bibin-san disappeared into the kitchen with high energy. Left behind, I felt personally very awkward. I’ve never felt this awkward before, so I didn’t even know how to deal with it.

Al… I wish Al were here. If Al were here, he’d definitely help me.

But Al isn’t here, because I wore him out.

“You don’t have to be that scared, you know?”

“Hii!”

“Wait, really? Just how much do you dislike me?”

His cheerful, laughing figure looked like a sunny older brother from any angle, but I couldn’t see him that way anymore. Also, I just plain don’t like him.

I don’t like him because I can’t imagine any scenario where I could win against him.

“Well, whatever.”

He stopped laughing. The face looking at me was smiling, but his eyes weren’t. Sweat ran down my cheek as those snake-like eyes stared at me. Again, I called for help from the Al who wasn’t there, but of course, he didn’t come. Everything around us was noisy, but it felt like there was no sound around Zanna-san.

There was a tension around him, as if threads of murderous intent were always stretched tight.

“Give my regards to Stark. Also, I forgot to tell you earlier… thanks for spending all that time planting a sense of inferiority in Yard.”

He patted my shoulder and whispered those words, and I looked off into the distance.

Eventually, Bibin-san came back and gave Zanna-san his second helping, and he took it and went back to his seat. As for me, Bibin-san got angry for no reason, asking “How long are you going to stay here!”, and kicked me out of the canteen. Now I’m walking down the hallway.

Clutching the paper bag from Bibin-san, I thought to myself:

That man is terrifying!