Longing for the Stars - Chapter 27

After being forced to watch that for eight years, you eventually give up.

Or so I thought.

When I found out I was assigned to the same post as those two, I cursed God. I wondered how much more he intended to make me suffer. However, once I actually started working there, life on the frontier was surprisingly comfortable.

First of all, since we were in different squads, we had little to do with each other. Even if our missions or training overlapped, we didn’t spend every waking moment together like we did at the academy. My world expanded enough that I could even watch their interactions during meals with a smile.

I thought this smoldering love of mine would eventually burn out, but reality is cruel, and it turned out God really does hate me.

“Sorry, Yard, but could you help with the paperwork at Heilden’s place starting tomorrow? Training in the morning, then there in the afternoon.”

“Sure, I don’t mind.”

“Thanks! Stark is helping out too, but it looks like they’re still short-handed.”

And so, I ended up having time with Stark where Louvre didn’t interfere.

Despite my initial reluctance, I was shallow enough to truly enjoy the time I spent with him. His fearless personality and the way he spoke were all so charming to me. Even though he’s another man, the eighteen-year-old Stark was sometimes so alluring it sent shivers down my spine; honestly, it was unbearable.

I think I let it get to my head, especially since Stark was fighting with Louvre at the time. Even though I had repeated this cycle of misery more times than I could count, I let myself hold onto that “maybe” again. But that hope was crushed into powder by none other than Stark himself.

“You’re quite tall, aren’t you?”

“…How do you know I’m bad at fire magic…?”

I never dreamed that having him effectively tell me “I’ve never been interested in you” to my face would damage my mental state this badly.

From the way he acted, Stark probably didn’t remember me speaking to him at the entrance ceremony, or the advice I gave him about fire magic in the library. If he had remembered, the polite Stark would have immediately thanked me, saying, “That was a big help back then.”

The fact that he didn’t meant that the day I thanked God for was just another ordinary day to him.

Yet, I’m sure he remembers the magic practice he did with Louvre right after. Even without proof, I could state that with absolute certainty.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t depressed.

But this was a despair I had tasted countless times before. Because of that, I know how to recover from these feelings and how to put on my usual face. I was sure no one had noticed my feelings for Stark. Let me correct that—no one except Louvre.

Everyone here knows how obsessively Louvre loves Stark.

They all know from the start that no idiot would even try to challenge that.

I think I’m an idiot, too. There were times I hated these feelings I couldn’t throw away, even knowing I had no chance of winning. But I just didn’t know how to give up.

—Then, one day, this happened.

Stark was made to drink quite a bit by his two superiors.

As a result, Stark got dead drunk, and I was ordered by my boss to carry him back to his room.

While I was carrying him, Stark talked about nothing but Louvre. With a melting expression I’d never seen before and a soft, slurred voice, he just kept talking about Louvre. Honestly, I had expected that much, so I was able to mock myself with a “figures.”

But it was what happened after that.

“Was it you, Yard?”

When I realized he hadn’t even noticed it was me, something in my head snapped.

Even though Stark was the one in front of me, I felt like I was looking at the Louvre who wasn’t there.

The Louvre who had touched Stark while looking at me in the library after school that day.

“He’s mine.”

I felt like he was saying that to me. I felt like he was holding my head down, telling me there was no room for someone like me to cut in and not to dream.

And just as those words suggested, Stark also looked only at Louvre.

The reality here was cruel.

But, even so, I was hopelessly bad at giving up.

No, that’s not it. I think I wanted someone to make me give up. I wished for Stark—of all people—to deliver the final blow to these feelings that I couldn’t handle on my own anymore.

That’s why I think I did something terrible.

I should have just told him my feelings straight and let him reject me, but the blood rushed to my head. I pinned down Stark’s slender body, stole a kiss, and even left a mark on his skin. I gripped his wrists so hard that handprints might have stayed behind.

There was a reckless part of me that didn’t care anymore.

Stark had been cherished by Louvre ever since they were at the academy. He was kept close, sheltered from any unnecessary information, and protected like pure white snow. As if to say only he needed to know him, Louvre continued to monopolize Stark without ever giving their relationship a clear name.

That’s why it doesn’t get through to Stark. He was so dense when it came to people’s feelings—so much so that it was frustrating, and I almost wished I could hate him for it. He was made to be that way.

“Why are you doing this?!”

“Because I love you!”

In the moment I realized my feelings finally reached him, I let the tears fall without trying to stop them. It wasn’t out of sadness or frustration.

I’d be lying if I said there was none of that, but the main reason for those tears…

Was the relief of knowing “Now I can end this.”

Then I was rejected as simply as could be. I left the room without looking back once at the stunned Stark.

The moment I stepped out and the door shut, I slumped down right there.

The sound of the door closing lingered unpleasantly in my ears. I felt it echoing deep inside. No more tears came out, but a heavy exhaustion seemed to cling to my whole body.

“Oh, you’re done~?”

“?!”

My whole body practically jumped at the unexpected voice. I looked up with a start to find someone with fox-like eyes curved in amusement.

“S-Squad leader…?”

“That’s right, it’s the squad leader. Looks like you were successfully rejected. Good for you—gold star!”

“Wait, what… huh?”

“Your eyes are so round, it’s funny. Well, I’ll join you for some pity drinks, Yard. Let’s drink ’til we drop.”

The squad leader, who was about the same build as me—actually a bit shorter—pulled me up with no trouble. He smirked at me while I stood there, too shocked to speak.

“I think I’m the only one who noticed. Your feelings.”

“!”

“And since you’ve been so beautifully rejected and crushed, I figured it was okay for me to step in.”

“?”

He put an arm around my waist and forced me to walk, leaving my head full of question marks.

“Alright, alright, let’s drink for now, Yard. Heilden is already wasted and waiting for us, so I’m not letting you sleep tonight!”

Ignoring me as I walked in a daze, unable to say a word at the completely unexpected turn of events, the squad leader kept going. And before I had any time to wallow in sentimentality, I was literally made to drown in booze by a dead-drunk Heilden, Bibin-san (who had appeared for some reason), and the squad leader, who somehow kept his spot right next to me.

A few days later, rumors started going around the barracks that Louvre and Stark’s relationship had progressed. But hearing those rumors didn’t make me feel despair anymore. Well, I still cared a little, but not like before.

Besides, they seemed to have finally put a name to their previously vague relationship, and the sense of instability around them had vanished, even to an outsider. I thought to myself, “There really is no opening now,” but another part of me thought, “Finally,” and I found myself smiling without even realizing it.