Longing for the Stars - Chapter 23

“…But I’m not trying to start a relationship with you, Stark.”

The strength left Yard’s hands, which had been pinning my wrists, and he pulled his body away from me.

“…I know it’s impossible. I know better than anyone that you aren’t interested in me. So, this was just for my own satisfaction. I did it because I wanted to feel better.”

He sat on the bed, covering his face with both hands. The words spilling out felt less like they were meant for me and more like he was trying to convince himself.

I propped myself up on my elbows. I sat a short distance away from Yard and watched his movements while rubbing my wrists, which still hurt a little. Only a small part of my brain stayed calm; my heart was beating fast, and my breath was shallow. Even blinking felt like something I had to do on purpose.

“…I really have loved you for a long time.”

His voice was shaking.

“The way you studied so hard to catch up to Louvre, the way you never gave up during practical training no matter how many times you got hurt, and that relaxed face you’d show sometimes—everything was so cute. I couldn’t stop looking at you.”

He was probably tracing through his memories of me right now.

“But Louvre was always by your side, so I couldn’t even talk to you. Even so, I kept loving you. I couldn’t give up but I thought that if the environment changed, even if we were assigned to the same place, the world would open up more than it did at the academy. And it did open up. I thought I could forget you.”

Yard took a short breath and moved his hands away from his face.

His wet eyes were looking at me. They held a terribly gentle light, gazing at me through a film of tears.

“…But once I had time to spend with you—with the you that didn’t have Louvre around—it was over.”

He laughed, his shoulders dropping weakly.

“I realized that forgetting you is impossible.”

I widened my eyes at the sight of him saying this so clearly, even though he was crying. He looked like he had finally reached a turning point.

“…Stark, I love you.”

Oxygen leaked from my half-open mouth at those words, which were spoken as softly as a passing breeze.

Yard’s expression was soft. It was like a patch of sunlight.

Ah, he knows. That thought crossed my mind vaguely.

Yard knows. He knows what I am going to say next. He knows, and yet he can still make a face like that.

“……!”

My heart ached so much it felt like it was being torn apart.

“…I’m sorry.”

A thin voice came out, barely making a sound.

“I… can’t feel the same way.”

“──Yeah, thank you.”

Yard smiled with his usual face.

“…I’m sorry for doing something horrible. If Louvre corners you about it, tell him it was my fault.”

His gaze moved to my wrists. Following his eyes, I saw that they were red, with marks that clearly showed I had been restrained.

The bed creaked slightly as Yard got up. I instinctively followed him with my eyes, but he didn’t look back at me. He went straight to the door and left.

With the thud of the door closing, I was alone.

“……”

A terrifying silence followed.

“……”

I blankly looked away from the door and stared at my wrists again.

The red marks remained clearly on both hands, telling me that what just happened wasn’t a dream. I opened and closed my hands. That tiny movement sent a flash of pain through me, hitting me with the reality that this was real.

If it wasn’t a dream, then that kiss and the heat I felt on my neck were real, too.

“!”

Suddenly hit by a wave of chills, I hurried out of bed and went to the washroom.

I washed my face frantically and rubbed my neck with water. By the time my shirt was wet and sticking to me, I finally turned off the water and looked in the mirror. My breathing was heavy. My hair was stuck to my forehead and face; I looked terrible.

But that wasn’t what shocked me.

There was a red mark left on my neck.

I knew it wasn’t an insect bite. Because I had been given one of these before.

I knew because they had been left not just on my neck, but all over my body.

“…Ah… ah…”

Someone other than Sirius had left a mark on me.

I could see my face in the mirror turn to despair.

Even if I scratched at the mark with my nails, it wouldn’t go away. I thought about using magic to erase it, but I can’t use healing magic. Besides, I couldn’t exactly go to the infirmary for something like this.

“What… what should I do…?”

Covering my neck with my hand, I stumbled back to the bed.

Thinking about the spot where Yard had just pinned me down made me feel cold deep inside. I was certain that this room was my only safe zone right now.

But I simply couldn’t bring myself to lie down on the bed, so I grabbed a pillow and went to the sofa.

I sat down and buried my face in the thing that smelled most strongly of Sirius. The calm part of my brain started complaining to me.

You’re so weak, losing your mind just because a guy confessed to you and touched you a little.

I thought it was true, yet I couldn’t pull myself away from anything that felt like Sirius.

“…Sirius.”

I whispered his name.

Of course, there was no answer, and my voice was swallowed by the pillow.

Sirius, Sirius. I hugged the pillow tightly, calling his name over and over.

My voice gradually grew hoarse. It became wet, and my throat tightened.

Until now, being by his side was a given. But I was the one who thought that was bad and suggested we separate. I was the one who silenced Sirius when he said he hated the idea. And yet, right now, I regretted it more than I could handle.

I want to see Sirius as soon as possible.

I want him to call my name with that voice. I want him to touch me.

Now that I understood the reason why, my heart felt hopelessly empty.

“Sirius.”

I called his name for the countless time, and I felt my eyelids slowly dropping.

My head was a mess, but I still thought that sleeping like this was a bad idea, or that I should at least change clothes. But my body, full of alcohol, was stubborn. Every time a normal thought appeared, it vanished into a mist.

If I hadn’t been drinking, I’m sure sleep wouldn’t have caught me today. I would have spent the whole time thinking about today over and over.

But right now, I am so sleepy that I can’t stay awake. I decided that was okay; I felt optimistic because I knew that when I woke up, Sirius would surely be there.

So, I’ll just sleep today.

I stopped resisting the approaching sleep and closed my eyes completely.

The next time I opened my eyes, Sirius was in front of me with a worried face. Without saying good morning or anything else, I reached out my arms to him.