Longing for the Stars - Chapter 22

The lips that touched mine, with the incomplete moon behind us, were soft and warm.

It happened so naturally that for a moment I didn’t realize I was being kissed. I just stared at Sirius with my eyes wide open like a cat.

“…I can touch you like this and talk to you, but I guess you’ll always be out of my reach.”

“…Huh?”

“Because you’re the sky, Al. The sky looks like you can touch it, but you can’t. It suits you perfectly.”

Though a lonely light sparkled deep in his eyes, his expression was incredibly happy. I had never seen him look like that before. As I stood there dazed, the corners of Sirius’s mouth turned up.

Oh, this is bad.

By the time I thought that, our lips were pressed together again. This time, the touch lasted longer than before. I started hitting his needlessly sturdy body as if punching him, and when our lips finally parted, I intended to complain. But Sirius pulled me into a hug, so I couldn’t say a word.

“…Even if you realize it, I’ll probably never reach you. You really are a handful.”

“Look who’s talking. You’re the biggest handful of the century.”

“That’s going too far! I’m only a little bit of a handful!”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Hey, it’s time to sleep.”

“Okay.”

He picked me up as if it were the most natural thing in the world. We got into the same bed, and as I relaxed, I rested my head on his soft arm. He hugged me again; I figured saying anything was useless at this point, so I simply snuggled into his warm body heat.

“…I hope you figure out what I am to you soon.”

His voice sounded like he was trying to convince both me and himself.

Why did I remember Sirius from that time just now?

“I love you.”

Is it because the eyes looking down at me while pinning my hands to the bed look so similar?

“…Yard…?”

My head isn’t working right because of the alcohol. However, I can feel instinctively that the situation I’m in right now is not good.

“Stark, you probably don’t even realize what’s happening to you right now, do you?”

I blinked at the voice, wondering if he could read my thoughts.

Yard’s usually calm voice was slightly high-pitched, and his words were short and broken. Though the corners of his mouth were turned up in a distorted way, there was a hint of panic in his expression. Perhaps because of that panic, his grip on my wrists was tight and a little painful.

“…You don’t understand, do you? Any of this.”

A color resembling resignation mixed into that panic.

“But if I miss today… if today doesn’t work, I’ll probably be a miserable person forever.”

One hand let go of my wrist. That hand reached for my face. A slightly cold hand with slightly rough fingertips stroked my cheek. It was a very gentle touch—the kind that makes you think, this is what it’s like to touch something fragile.

The fingertips touching my cheek were trembling.

He traced my features as if confirming my existence before cupping my cheek with his palm.

The whole time, I felt a strange sense of wrongness. But since I didn’t know what that feeling was, I stayed frozen. Yard let out a small breath and gave a self-deprecating smile.

“!”

The hand on my cheek moved to the back of my head, and he lifted me up.

“Wait, n-no…!”

Our lips met. Yard kissed me.

The situation was so unexpected that my entire body tensed up instantly, and my thoughts slowed down from the confusion. I shook my head to break the kiss and pushed against Yard’s chest with one hand to keep him from getting closer.

But he restrained that hand as if it were a nuisance and pinned me to the bed again.

I knew what came after this action.

“Stop, no, Yard—”

There should have been better words to say or actions to take, but I was so upset that those were the only words I could manage. Just a moment ago, I had the composure to observe Yard’s expression, but now that was gone.

However, I couldn’t look away. As I stared, I felt the look deep in Yard’s eyes soften just a little.

“…Finally, you’re looking at me.”

“…What?”

“In your eyes, it’s always only him. No matter what you do or where you are, your head is always full of Sirius. Ever since eight years ago.”

“What are you talking about?”

I didn’t understand why Sirius’s name came up now. But Yard didn’t miss that moment of hesitation and buried his face in my neck.

Hot, damp breath hit my skin. A rough tongue licked my skin, and then he sucked on it.

A wet sound echoed right by my ear, and a faint pain made a gasping sound catch in my throat.

“Hic—”

The hair on my neck stood up. A clear sense of disgust surged through my whole body, and finally, I started to resist for real.

“Let go! Why are you—”

But Yard and I have different builds. Even when I resisted with all my strength, the bed just made an unpleasant creaking sound while his grip didn’t loosen. Because I was moving, the alcohol rushed to my head and made me feel sick.

I hated the fact that I was losing a power struggle, I hated being pinned down by Yard, and I hated this whole situation. I hated it more than anything.

“Why are you doing this?!”

“Because I love you!”

My wrists hurt from his tight grip. I widened my eyes at the words he practically threw at me while holding me down.

“Because I love you! Even though I know it won’t come true, I still love you! That’s why I’m doing something this stupid!”

The words “I love you” pierced through my body.

It was hard to breathe.

Drip, drip—my cheek got wet. It didn’t take long to realize those were Yard’s tears.

Yard’s face was twisted in pain. It was probably the same for me.

I’ve known Yard since we were ten. We were in the same class, took the same lessons and tests, and struggled together through the difficult exams. We probably even shared the same headaches over Sirius’s strange behavior.

In my mind, this man had always been kind and gentle. He had been like that since we were small.

—And yet.

Is the man in front of me really the same person I spent eight years with?

His kind eyes were trembling with a sorrowful light. Yet, his expression was so intensely sweet that just looking at it made me feel sick.

“…Since, when…?”

At my pathetic, raspy voice, the man—Yard—curled his lip into a smile.

“From the start. From the first time I saw you, I’ve loved you.”

At those words, which he forced out, I bit my lip so hard it started to bleed. The back of my eyes felt painfully hot.