Longing for the Stars - Chapter 24

I tossed aside the pillow I had been clutching so dearly and clung to Sirius.

“! Al…?”

My body felt stiff from sleeping in the same position for so long, and it creaked with a bit of pain when I moved. But I didn’t care about that; I wanted Sirius’s warmth right now. As I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close, I caught his scent, and it felt like I could finally breathe properly.

“Wait, Al? What’s going on…?”

Since it was always Sirius who initiated touch, it was incredibly obvious how surprised he was by me reaching out. Usually, he hugs me without hesitation, but now he was acting tentative, hovering as if unsure whether to touch me or not. It made me a little annoyed.

“Hurry up.”

“Eh?”

“Hurry up and hug me, you idiot.”

“?!”

Sirius’s body jolted. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he must have a ridiculous expression of shock. When he remained frozen, his brain likely unable to process the situation—I appealed again in an irritated tone, “Hurry.” This time, his arms finally wrapped around my body, and I could feel his warmth for real.

“………Haa.”

Wrapped in Sirius’s warmth and scent, the tension finally left my body. As I exhaled a sigh of relief, Sirius spoke up, still sounding hesitant.

“……Um, so, Al…? W-w-what happened…?”

What happened. Had there ever been a day where that natural question felt so heavy?

“…Al?”

The strength in the arms around me faded slightly. We pulled back just enough for me to look Sirius straight in the face for the first time in hours. The moment he saw my face, his eyes filled with shock.

“Al, did you cry?”

“Mm…”

One of Sirius’s hands left my body to cup my cheek. His fingers were firm but not rough as they brushed near my eyes. The touch and the temperature made a warmth spread deep in my chest.

“Tell me, Al. Why were you crying?”

Yesterday, I was touched like this too. The person then was Yard.

At that time, I felt nothing. I truly felt nothing at all, yet being touched by Sirius, I found myself feeling a sense of relief beyond words.

Until just a moment ago, my heart had been so heavy wondering how to explain things, but just being touched like this made it lighter. Perhaps I am simpler than I thought.

The hand on my cheek was so warm; I realized I had wanted this warmth all along, and I unconsciously rubbed my cheek against his palm. However, I felt the hand that had been soft suddenly tense up. I looked up to see Sirius’s expression had gone completely blank.

“Sirius.”

“Who?”

“Eh…?”

“Who put this on you, Al?”

The hand that had been on my cheek moved down to my neck.

His fingertips touched the spot I had seen in the mirror last night. The moment his low voice vibrated against my eardrum, a small gasp caught in my throat. I tried to speak, but no voice came out. I didn’t know what to say.

Yard had said it was okay to tell him. But I couldn’t.

It wasn’t that I couldn’t say the name. It was that the fact that someone other than Sirius had touched me simply wouldn’t come out of my mouth.

“…You can’t tell me?”

A bit of gentleness returned to his cold voice.

I shook my head at his words, but still, no words would come, and all I could do was clutch Sirius’s clothes.

“…Al, I’m not angry.”

“Th-that’s a lie.”

“Whoa, you caught me.”

Sirius’s fingers rubbed the mark on my neck as if he hated it. It made my skin pull and hurt a little, but knowing it was Sirius doing it, I didn’t feel any disgust and just accepted it.

“──Yeah, it was a lie to say I’m not angry. Truth is, I’m incredibly angry. But I’m not angry at Al.”

“……”

“It’s true, you don’t have to look at me like that. I won’t get mad at you. …I mean, you hated this enough to cry, didn’t you?”

Sirius’s eyes pierced through me. Under that intense light that allowed for no lies or excuses, I nodded.

“Then it’s okay.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes and smiled, the corners of his mouth turning up.

If I were in my right mind, I think I would have noticed that his smile was different from usual. But I wasn’t in my right mind. I thought I had sorted things out after a night, but that wasn’t the case at all; the depths of my heart were still wavering like ripples on water.

I couldn’t shake the anxiety and the shock of an experience I had never expected or undergone before.

“Heave-ho.”

“!”

His hands went under my waist, and my feet easily left the ground.

Before I could even make a sound, Sirius started walking toward the bed.

“W-wait, Sirius.”

“No.”

“No, that’s not… I mean…”

Sirius was heading toward his own bed. In other words, the place where I had been pinned down yesterday.

I felt a phantom pain in my wrists.

“No…!”

The moment I remembered another man besides Sirius climbing on top of me, the blood drained from my body.

My mind went blank for an instant.

“I don’t want to go there!”

The moment I made that desperate plea, Sirius stopped walking. But after only a few seconds, he started moving again. After a brief feeling of floating, my back was pressed against something soft. Sirius’s scent wafted up around me. In other words, I was now on Sirius’s bed.

“…”

The memory of my own helplessness last night came back vividly, and my breathing quickened.

My wrists hurt, and no matter how much I resisted, he wouldn’t budge; I felt disgusted by my own inability to do anything. A person I thought was a good friend had looked at me with the same eyes as Sirius.

“Al.”

I heard his voice right beside me.

“Open your eyes. Who is in front of you right now?”

It was a soft voice, like he was soothing a child.

It was only then that I realized I had closed my eyes. When I opened them slowly, the first thing I saw was that sparkling first-magnitude star.

“…Sirius.”

“Yeah, it’s me. It’s your Sirius Louvre.”

The man pinning me in by leaning his elbows beside my face was looking at me with the sweetest expression imaginable. It was so sweet it could almost make me sick, yet I didn’t find it unpleasant at all. In fact, I was almost happy to be looked at that way.

“…Sirius.”

“Yes?”

“Sirius, Sirius…!”

“Yeah, I’m right here.”

I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him.

Yesterday, I called for him and got no answer, but today, I could clearly hear him.

Just that was enough to make my eyes hot and my vision blur. Seeing me like that, Sirius laughed and stroked my hair with a look that said, “I guess it can’t be helped.”

A rain of soft kisses fell on my forehead, eyelids, cheeks, and then my lips.

I didn’t find it unpleasant.

I realized that no matter the time, I had never once found it unpleasant to be touched by Sirius.

I finally realized that.

“Sirius…”

“Hm?”

I didn’t hate this face or voice that were as sweet as sugar candy. I didn’t hate that his eyes, which usually sparkled as if gathering light, held a sweet, melting glow only when looking at me.

That Sirius was my “normal.” I felt like Sirius had always looked at me this way. That’s why I hadn’t realized it was special.

But now, I have realized it.

“…Do you love me too?”

“…What do you mean, ‘too’?”

“I was told that yesterday.”

“The mood! Al, read the room! You can’t say that kind of thing right now!”

“Then when am I supposed to say it?”

When I said that, Sirius let out a sigh so deep it was as if he were exhaling every bit of air in his body. Then he looked at me with a sideways, glaring gaze.

“…I had decided that I was going to be the first one to tell you I love you.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I was beaten to it!”

Sirius flopped down on top of me; he was heavy. But I didn’t mind the weight, and I laughed in spite of myself as he rubbed his nose against my neck like he was acting spoiled.

“…Hey, Al.”

“What.”

“I was saving it, you know. Saying ‘I love you.'”

His breath hit my neck.

“Because you’re so honest, I thought if I said I loved you, you’d probably just get ‘imprinted’ and convince yourself you felt the same way.”

“As if.”

“That’s why I decided I wouldn’t say it until you realized it yourself. I thought it wouldn’t mean anything otherwise, so I endured it for so, so, soooooo long.”

He lifted his head, and our gazes locked.

“…Can I say I love you to you now?”

“…I never told you that you couldn’t.”

I never told him to endure it, either.

Sirius blinked his large, round, predator-like eyes once, and then he smiled. His face crumpled into a grin like a child’s, and I laughed a little too.

“I guess that’s true.”

Exhaling in a voice like a sigh, Sirius’s hands cupped my cheeks.

“I love you, Al. I love you more than anyone in the world.”

Those words, whispered in a voice sweeter than anything else on earth, made my heart ache.

Sirius stared at me as if waiting for a response. It would be a lie to say I wasn’t annoyed by his eyes that seemed to see right through me, but remembering Sirius’s words from before, I exhaled as if giving in.

“…It’s my loss again.”

The first-magnitude star blinked.

The fact that I find such a dorky face cute means it’s my total defeat. But it was still irritating to say it plainly, so I spoke while trying to remain as expressionless as possible.

“I love you. It’s frustrating, but it seems I love you too.”

“…Hey, can I just be happy about that?!”

“Of course, you can. Be happy.”

“You’re a tyrant!”

Sirius, his brows knit in an obviously dissatisfied face, snatched a quick kiss from my lips.

“…But I love that about you, too.”

“I see.”

“Hey, react!”

“I’m actually quite excited.”

“…Well, okay then…”

Pouting his lips as if sulking, Sirius begged for another kiss. I accepted it as if it were only natural, and after our lips parted, we laughed together.