It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 12.5

In the past, she had only hurried to follow him. It was the first time she had responded to him so actively.

 

That fact only fueled the fire already burning in Rayan’s mind.

 

Haa, ha… Her breathing started to grow short, and the sound of her panting clung to his eardrums. If that were the only sound he could hear in the world, he felt he could die happy.

 

“Why? Why are you kissing me so willingly?” he asked desperately when their lips briefly parted.

 

“Why are you giving me this kind of gift? Does this mean I’m allowed to hope?” Her voice, returning with an answer, was just as heated.

 

“There’s no reason.”

 

Haa. A small teardrop hung from the corner of her eye as she exhaled heavily.

 

Her full lips, swollen and red from their rough kisses, trembled and formed a strained smile.

 

“I just wanted to. That’s all. You feel the same, don’t you…?”

 

“I want to.”

 

Ines absentmindedly repeated his words and grabbed his collar, pulling him closer.

 

Then, she reached out with her tongue and licked his lips—already split, bruised, and stained with a bit of blood.

 

Even as she did that, she thought to herself:

 

You don’t know. You’ll never know what this kiss means to me. What I’m allowing you right now.

 

She was still scared. She feared her feelings might change after tonight and that she might even come to hate this moment forever. The thought sent chills down her spine.

 

This deep connection was like the final key to unlocking the door to sealed memories.

 

But that wasn’t the only reason.

 

After kissing him on impulse, what came over her was a primal desire—to taste him.

 

From the start, she had looked at him. The pressure his firm body gave off had made her body ache.

 

Every time he looked at her with eyes that seemed ready to devour her, it didn’t feel unpleasant. It was more like defiance—something she didn’t want to admit. That feeling had been a defense mechanism against her instinctual attraction to him.

 

She had even thought she liked seeing him completely overwhelmed by pleasure.

 

So maybe, just maybe, she had used the excuse of “recovering her memory” to satisfy this intense physical pull toward him.

 

She didn’t know which side was her true feelings. But honestly, this wasn’t the time for such complicated thoughts.

 

Her breathing started to get shaky again, accompanied by wet sounds.

 

Rayan, frozen and stunned by her clumsy kisses, suddenly grabbed the back of her neck roughly. Their heads twisted, and their tongues tangled deeply once more.

 

From the lips clinging to hers as if not willing to allow even the slightest space, from the hot hand impatiently sweeping down her waist, all she could feel was wild pleasure.

 

 

They didn’t know how many times the location changed.

 

Even when the carriage rattled and the busy streets of Randeva passed by outside the window, their lips stayed pressed together. It was only when the coachman announced their arrival at the Eleanor mansion that they briefly parted.

 

Rayan finally pulled away from her and tidied her messy clothes before opening the carriage door.

 

After that, they acted as if nothing had happened and had dinner with Caesar.

 

Even after finishing the meal, washing up, changing into pajamas, and reading the rest of the book to the child, she remembered nothing of it.

 

Their time resumed only after the night had deepened.

 

The moment Ines came out from the bedroom where the child was sleeping and ran into Rayan leaning against the hallway wall—

 

“…How long have you been—ah.”

 

Ines’s voice cut off.

 

Rayan stepped forward and cupped her cheeks with both hands, pressing his lips to hers.

 

It wasn’t a wild kiss like the one in the carriage. He pressed his lips softly, slowly pushing inward, as if carefully watching her reaction, and that made her let out a small laugh.

 

Feeling her lips curl into a smile, Rayan pulled back slightly.

 

From a distance close enough for their foreheads to touch, he looked at her expression and asked quietly.

 

“Why are you smiling? Do I still look like a fool to you?”

 

“No, it’s just… You’re really different from earlier.”

 

“Different, huh… What, earlier I was a man, and now I’ve turned back into a kid begging for candy?”

 

“That’s about right.”

 

To be honest, Ines had expected Rayan to drag her straight to the bedroom the moment they got out of the carriage.

 

She never thought he would calmly eat dinner with Caesar and tuck the child into bed.

 

But she knew—it wasn’t that he had cooled down. Just lowering her gaze or letting her body brush against him slightly…

 

As soon as she glanced down, tension rippled through her whole body.

 

Noticing her reaction, Rayan chuckled low in his throat.

 

“It’s probably better for you if I keep pretending to be clueless.”

 

He must have sent all the servants away, because the hallway was silent except for the faint flicker of candlelight—so quiet that not even the sound of an ant crawling could be heard.

 

That made his rough voice ring even clearer.

 

“To be honest, I kind of regret kissing you earlier. You won’t believe me, but I didn’t want to be that rough.”

 

His thumb gently traced the chapped skin on her lips.

 

“I’m thankful you accepted it… But I’m nervous. I don’t know what you’re thinking. I’m scared.”

 

“I told you earlier. I wasn’t thinking at all.”

 

“Right. You said you just wanted to. But even that’s more than I deserve. That’s probably why I keep doubting you.”

 

His hands moved down from her face to wrap around her back and waist, pulling her tightly into him.

 

His green eyes, once darkened with sorrow, now shone sharply as he studied her.

 

“It’s strange. Just a few weeks ago, you had no emotion in your eyes when you looked at me. And now, suddenly, you accept me.”

 

“…I thought this is what you wanted.”

 

“I did. But I knew I was hoping for something I couldn’t have.”

 

Rayan often judged everything with one core belief: “Whether she has her memory or not, she’ll never accept me so easily.”

 

Even now, he was surprised. Her body’s reactions were so honest.

 

He had been holding back a lot for a long time, and she could feel it.

 

His voice, though restrained, was thick with heat.

 

“Ines, do you really want me?”

 

But what he said was painfully rational, striking right at the heart.

 

“You don’t, do you?”

 

A chill ran down her spine.

 

Did he figure something out?

 

Ines hesitated, trying to read behind the heat in his green eyes.

 

But his next words shattered her thoughts.

 

“If you don’t want me, I don’t want to do this.”

 

Her continued silence made his voice grow urgent.

 

“I don’t want to dirty this memory—our first time together—just with my pathetic desires. I just want you to want this… even just half as much as I do. No, even a quarter.”

 

“….”

 

“If not even that… then it’s better we stop here. Like I said, once we start, I won’t stop.”

 

“….”

 

“Don’t tell me you feel like you have to go along with it, like it’s some kind of obligation. That kind of… no, that kind of ridiculous thought, you’re not having that, are you?”

 

Rayan anxiously watched her expression.

 

He fought the urge to touch her every day, every hour, but now that she had come to him like this, he couldn’t help remembering the past.

 

The old Ines had always accepted him when he asked, without protest.

 

Eventually, it became a habit—or maybe she had come to believe that was all he wanted. Whenever he acted even a little out of the ordinary, she’d immediately reach for his waistband.

 

He didn’t even have to go that far back.

 

Even when they were in the forest of Rosram, Ines casually asked him:

 

“Would you like to?”
“I can do it.”

 

But being able to do something and wanting to do it are very different.

 

Remembering that made Rayan grit his teeth.

 

The fact that such a small, fragile, innocent woman had made that a habit…

 

And that he was the one who had made her that way—just the thought made him feel crushed by shame.

 

“I didn’t kiss you for your sake.”

 

Rayan’s long stream of self-destructive thoughts suddenly stopped.

 

Ines’s slender arm brushed over his shoulder and wrapped around his neck.

 

Because of their height difference, she had to stand on tiptoes to close the distance between them.

 

“I did it for me.”

 

“For you…”

 

“Even now, it’s the same. I want to be filled with you. Not because I want to match you. I don’t need a reason.”

 

She met his eyes and gave strength to every word.

 

“It’s just what I want. Still no reason. And if I say it’s just impulse, are you going to stop—”

 

Her words never finished. That was all he needed to hear.

 

All the passion he had been holding back crashed into her, wild and unstoppable.