It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 12.3

“Once I started thinking that maybe everything would be fine if only I sacrificed myself, the thoughts just kept getting worse…”

 

“Sacrifice.”

 

Edgar, who had been frozen like a statue while listening to her, cut her off with a bitter laugh.

 

“Sacrifice, again?”

 

The smile vanished from his face in an instant. His expression hardened sharply as he grabbed both of her shoulders.

 

“Now I understand clearly. Ines, I want you to recover all of your memories as soon as possible. Don’t delay anymore.”

 

“…”

 

“At this rate, it’ll only make things more confusing. Wake up. I’m sure of this—once you know exactly what happened to you in the past, you won’t hesitate any longer. Once you remember how he violated you, you won’t even want to see his face again.”

 

Ines couldn’t even think of arguing. She just stood there blankly, listening to his fierce voice.

 

“The first thing you should care about is yourself.”

 

“…”

 

“I understand that you love the young lord very much. I understand completely that you don’t want your son to go through something painful again. But still, Ines…”

 

The warm light that usually filled his brown eyes was replaced with cold sarcasm.

 

“A relationship built on fear and lies, layered with someone’s sacrifice in exchange for peace—Is that the ‘perfect family’ you want?”

 

Anxiety born from lies, stacked on top of fragile peace—it was the perfect way to describe the current relationship between Ines, Rayan, and Caesar.

 

“If the mother isn’t truly happy, can the child be? Especially if he knows who his father really is? I don’t know.”

 

“…”

 

“You said your son knows you best—like he’s a part of you. Then he must already know. That this moment won’t last forever.”

 

Over Edgar’s voice, a memory from the day they went on a picnic suddenly echoed in her head—Caesar’s voice.

 

<If Caesar wants to come back again, let’s come back anytime.>
<Yeah. If I’m able to.>

 

“Can a child who knows this peace could break at any moment be completely happy? If your child is anything like you, he wouldn’t be able to.”

 

“…”

 

“And Ines, even if that wasn’t the reason… your child doesn’t have to be your whole life.”

 

“…”

 

“There’s no reason for you to throw your life away for your child. Don’t try to sacrifice yourself like that.”

 

After pouring everything out without holding back, Edgar bit his lips hard. Even though he had let his emotions speak harshly, it didn’t make him feel better.

 

“…I’m sorry if my words were too rough.”

 

He let out a deep sigh and wiped his dry face with his palm. Then he slowly apologized.

 

“I know I might be out of line saying all this. I’ve never been in the position of a parent or a child. So please forgive me if I can’t fully understand you.”

 

“…”

 

“But I can’t help thinking only about you, Ines, from beginning to end.”

 

“…”

 

“I heard you refused the archbishop’s blessing last time. But accept it today. You can still change your decision after your memory returns completely. There’s still time before the pilgrimage departs.”

 

Ines stayed silent for a while before finally smiling.

 

“No, I don’t think I need a priest’s blessing anymore, Your Majesty.”

 

By the time she had visited the cathedral six times, the blessing had stopped having any effect.

 

But whether it was a blessing or a curse, Ines already instinctively knew how to recover her memories completely.

 

The moments when the past resurfaced clearly didn’t come after receiving a blessing from a priest.

 

They came when she was with Rayan.

 

Her memories waited for her to let her guard down, and then they jumped out like ghosts. More than once, she had been startled by the sudden appearance of visions from the past.

 

Of course, they weren’t good memories. Every time it happened, Ines had to compare the man in front of her with the man in her memories, feeling completely conflicted.

 

“Once you’ve made your decision, send a letter. So you can escape from him, I’ll do my best to divert my brother’s attention elsewhere.”

 

“…Yes. Thank you.”

 

Ines lowered her eyes away from Edgar and whispered silently, words that couldn’t reach him.

 

Actually, Your Majesty… maybe the reason I’m so afraid of getting my memory back isn’t just because of Caesar…

 

Everything Edgar said was completely right. Once she remembered the old Rayan, she knew she’d never be able to forgive him.

 

But still, something about that thought… felt scary.

 

Saying it was all for Caesar’s happiness might have just been an excuse. Maybe deep down, she simply wanted to stop being wary of Rayan and let herself fall into his kindness.

 

Because always being on guard, always doubting—it was just too exhausting.

 

Ines stared clearly at her own emotional state, and a strong sense of self-mockery swept over her.

 

‘…I’m too soft.’

 

As soon as she realized it, a sense of danger followed. Edgar was right—she couldn’t delay anymore.

 

Whether she went to Jenaire or Apael, there were only three weeks left until the pilgrimage. She had to make her decision quickly and start preparing.

 

The hat tightly clenched in her fragile hand was now completely crushed.

 

 

By the time Ines left Edgar and exited the cathedral, the sun was already sinking low in the sky.

 

She had said it would take about three hours, but five had already passed.

 

She hurried toward Eleanor’s carriage, parked by the roadside, planning to return right away—but she didn’t get on.

 

Right outside the iron gates, she saw a familiar figure.

 

“…Rayan?”

 

Leaning casually against the base of a statue of an apostle, he turned his head.

 

“…You came out late.”

 

“Why are you still here…?”

 

Startled, Ines glanced toward the carriage. Rayan, realizing who she was looking for, added,

 

“Caesar’s napping in the mansion’s bedroom. I read him a book like you said, and he ran around outside all morning, so he was really tired.”

 

“So you just stayed here waiting?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Most people wouldn’t make it obvious if they had waited for hours. But Rayan wasn’t the type to be called “normal” in any way. In fact, what he said next was even a little mean.

 

“I waited quite a while. You said three hours, but just with the archbishop it was three hours. Then another two passed.”

 

Did he station someone inside the church? If he had overheard her conversation about the pilgrimage with the archbishop, that would be bad.

 

Ines’s tone turned cold right away.

 

“I told you not to follow me. Clearly.”

 

“If I had really planned to follow you, I’d have gone all the way inside. You should praise me for not doing that, Ines.”

 

“…You don’t really think you deserve praise, do you?”

 

She snapped back, exasperated.

 

He always acted arrogant the moment she showed even a little kindness. Like he was an expert at self-sabotage.

 

But then she looked at his face again and realized he wasn’t in a good mood at all.

 

His eyes were more tense than usual, and his lips were cracked from being bitten too much.

 

“…Yeah. I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

He took a deep breath and looked away.

 

“Just a while ago, I thought I’d be happy waiting until midnight like this. But then my mood changed in an instant. I guess I must regret coming.”

 

“…”

 

“I didn’t want to follow you, but I missed you. And when I saw you, I got upset. This happens every Wednesday because of you.”

 

Wednesday. It was only then that Ines understood clearly why he was acting this way.

 

He must have seen her with Edgar while waiting here.

 

Even though nothing happened between them except a polite kiss on the hand… Oh, no. There was one more thing he could be upset about.

 

She had forgotten to wear her hat and came out with it in her hand.

 

Rayan stared sharply at her face, exposed under the sunlight, then pressed a finger to his temple. Then he asked, as if genuinely curious,

 

“I’ve always wondered… why am I so jealous?”

 

“…Why are you asking me that?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

And another sigh. He reached for his cravat as if to loosen it, but it had already been undone a long time ago.

 

He looked far more disheveled than in the morning. In all the memories Ines had recovered, there was never a version of Rayan so loosely dressed.

 

But to the current Ines, this version of him felt more familiar. As he fidgeted with his collar, he held out his hand to her.

 

“Hold my hand.”

 

Ines glanced down at his gloved hand.

 

His shoulder must still be hurting, and even with gloves, the wound on his palm likely hadn’t healed yet—but he often asked her to hold his hand anyway.

 

If she didn’t, he would keep asking until she did. In a way, it was a kind of stubbornness that eventually always made her give in.

 

As she stepped closer, Rayan seized the opportunity and clasped her hand tightly.

 

His thumb brushed over the back of her pale hand, the skin faintly showing veins. It was exactly where Edgar had kissed earlier. As if trying to wipe away another man’s trace.

 

But of course, that wasn’t enough. Rayan pressed a firm kiss to the back of her hand.

 

“…What were you doing in there with Edgar?”