Irreversible - Chapter 42

Chapter 42: A Pitiful Scoundrel (Part 2)

Thinking back on it, being pinned down by one’s girlfriend and starting to cry without even doing anything—and then being “unable” to continue—was incredibly embarrassing.

Gu Xizhou simply cleared her mind, pretended nothing had happened, and collapsed into Su Zhiyi’s arms to fall into a deep sleep. “Faking sleep” was a good tactic, and she was indeed exhausted, both physically and mentally. Pillowed against Su Zhiyi’s soft embrace, she began to emit light snores after only a short while.

Su Zhiyi felt a surge of pity, like a young mother holding a tormented daughter, accepting everything about her with a broad, forgiving embrace. As Gu Xizhou’s breathing stabilized, Su Zhiyi leaned down, kissed her cheek, and whispered, “Goodnight, Xizhou.”

May you have sweet dreams.

When Gu Xizhou woke up after that crying spell and sorted through her feelings, she felt that if things continued this way, she would either destroy Su Zhiyi or drive herself to death in the friction between love and hate.

For Su Zhiyi’s sake, Gu Xizhou got out of bed and prepared one last sumptuous breakfast for her.

Su Zhiyi woke up to the aroma of food. After washing up, she walked into the kitchen wearing a long white shirt, her straight, long legs bare, and hugged Gu Xizhou from behind. The early autumn morning light was beautiful, spilling coldly into the kitchen through the screen window.

The air was slightly chilly, but Gu Xizhou stood stiffly in front of the gas stove, scorched by the body heat behind her, not daring to speak. Su Zhiyi clasped her waist with both hands and peeked her head over Gu Xizhou’s shoulder, asking with a smile, “Why are you up so early on a day off? What delicious things are you making?”

Unless one was a natural sociopath, completely oblivious to others’ emotions, it was hard for anyone to remain indifferent to another’s kindness. To be cared for, to be concerned about, to be loved… even a villain has their own savior. Moreover, Gu Xizhou wasn’t a villain at all.

She was cowardly, but not cowardly enough. She was righteous and brave, yet she never applied that kindness to herself. Her hatred wasn’t firm, nor was her love. She was just an ordinary person. And an ordinary person, held in the arms of a sweet, angel-like lover on such a morning, would 100% feel joy in their heart. Gu Xizhou was no exception.

She briefly forgot the unpleasantness of the previous night. Flipping the fried eggs in the pan, she answered the Su Zhiyi who was pressed against her: “I made porridge and I’m frying eggs. The kitchen is oily; you should go out first.”

Su Zhiyi laughed and planted a kiss on Gu Xizhou’s cheek. She reached up to ruffle Gu Xizhou’s loose, medium-length hair, sounding very happy: “No, I’m staying right here with you.”

Gu Xizhou couldn’t win against her. All morning, she let the girl hold her, following her like a little tail, moving around the kitchen like conjoined twins. The two of them were busy “together” for a long while before Gu Xizhou brought the lavish breakfast to the table.

There were green beans with minced meat, fried eggs, deep-fried dough sticks, golden steamed buns, pan-fried dumplings, and various side dishes to accompany the seafood and shrimp porridge. As dish after dish was placed on the table, Su Zhiyi clapped her hands and gasped, “Wow, Xizhou, you’re amazing!”

Gu Xizhou smiled and pulled out a chair to sit beside her. “If I’m so amazing, then eat more.”

Throughout breakfast, Gu Xizhou was absentminded. She was searching for a suitable entry point to explain the previous night’s events. She wanted to tell Su Zhiyi she wanted to break up; she wanted to confess that she had only approached her because of Su Nanfeng’s bullying.

She wanted to say that everything Su Zhiyi liked was just a disguise. The real her was nothing but a puddle of mud on the ground, a rotting filth. What Su Nanfeng had done to her made it impossible for her to accept an intimate relationship. She would have physiological reactions because of affection, pheromones, and all that, but while she could vent her desires on Su Zhiyi like a beast, she couldn’t offer the comfort of “love.”

They weren’t Romeo and Juliet. Her hatred for Su Nanfeng was too deep—so deep she couldn’t focus on the word “love.” She was a vessel of hatred that would eventually tear Su Zhiyi apart.

But she couldn’t open her mouth. She didn’t have the courage. She was used to pretending, hiding herself in the darkness for so long; suddenly seeing the light was like a vampire being scorched by the sun—it was easy for her soul to be extinguished.

In the end, why did people always think it was easy to confess to a partner that “my first time was lost to someone else’s violence”? Wouldn’t they be afraid? Wouldn’t they worry that the person they love most would look at them with strange eyes and call them “disgusting”?

An Alpha being violated by another Alpha was a humiliation in itself. What was even more humiliating was that she had actually fallen for that person’s sister. Gu Xizhou even thought darkly: According to the law of the jungle in this world, I am not strong at all. Would it have been more appropriate if I had simply violated Su Zhiyi back then, told her that everything happening to her was the bitter fruit caused by her sister, and then left after putting my pants back on?

If Su Zhiyi were a woman like Su Nanfeng, she might have been able to do it, but Su Zhiyi wasn’t. Yet even if Su Zhiyi were a foolish, inconsiderate, selfish woman without a shred of human radiance, could she really have violated her with a clear conscience? What did it have to do with Su Zhiyi?

It was just like Su Nanfeng lacking love and ultimately demanding it from her; there was no substantial causal relationship. Factually, although Su Zhiyi was Su Nanfeng’s sister, she hadn’t ordered Su Nanfeng to commit the violence.

But emotionally, Gu Xizhou couldn’t accept it. Otherwise, why would there be so many stories in novels where “one person harms another, but the victim ends up exterminating the perpetrator’s entire family”? She just hated her! Hated her with gritted teeth, hated her to the very marrow of her bones.

Su Zhiyi being Su Nanfeng’s sister was, in Gu Xizhou’s eyes, an unforgivable original sin. Gu Xizhou felt she had made a mess of everything. She felt terrible now; her stomach was cramping, making her feel faintly nauseous.

She had been silent for too long, and the Su Zhiyi opposite her clearly felt her unhappiness. Su Zhiyi assumed it was about the previous night, but it was daytime now, and bringing up midnight events abruptly felt inappropriate.

Su Zhiyi pondered and called out softly, “Xizhou…”

Over the years, Gu Xizhou had become accustomed to Su Zhiyi’s call. No matter when, she could snap back instantly and give her response: “What’s wrong?” She looked over at Su Zhiyi, her eyes still dazed.

Su Zhiyi thought it over, a smile in her eyes and her tone gentle: “Since we got up so early and the day is so long, how about you don’t bury yourself in your thesis at home today?”

Despite Gu Xizhou not having sorted her emotions, she responded reflexively, “Then what do you want to do?”

“Hmm…” Su Zhiyi thought for a moment and gave her answer: “Let’s go see a movie.”

“Okay.”

And so, they went to the cinema.

Gu Xizhou struggled all morning but still couldn’t bring herself to say the word “breakup.” While watching the movie, she kept thinking that she was a despicable person; she clearly didn’t love Su Zhiyi with total purity, yet she enjoyed Su Zhiyi loving her with all her heart.

Occasionally, she even thought twistedly: Su Nanfeng treated me like that, and in the end, her sister is the one forced to pay the debt. Couldn’t she just change her perspective? Stay with Su Zhiyi, “play” with her, “wear her down.” Su Nanfeng would be powerless and go just as crazy.

Ah, she really was very dark.

With a pile of things on her mind, Gu Xizhou was absentminded during the movie, not even knowing what ghost of a plot was playing out on the big screen. By the time the film ended, Su Zhiyi’s eyes were swollen from crying, while Gu Xizhou herself felt absolutely nothing.

They found a restaurant for lunch. During the meal, Su Zhiyi kept talking about the movie: “The female lead was too cowardly in the beginning. She clearly liked her boss, but because of his high social status and the fact that he had a fiancée, she didn’t dare reveal her feelings. They clearly loved each other, but they ended up missing out for twenty years.”

Gu Xizhou knew that when someone else is talking excitedly, one only needs to go along with them. Cutting the steak in front of her, she thought distantly: So it was just a melodramatic, cliché love story.

Then Su Zhiyi changed the subject, sighing with tears still in her eyes: “But the second female lead was truly impressive. She and the female lead found the clues together to catch the Alpha who brutally murdered her lover. But because that Alpha happened to save a high-ranking government official during a political shift, he was highly valued by that official and escaped legal judgment.”

“The female lead was in despair, and was even persecuted into fleeing to another city, but the second female lead never gave up on punishing the killer.” At this point, Su Zhiyi became excited, her voice rising slightly: “In the end, the second female lead successfully kidnapped that Alpha and locked him in the deep mountains. She didn’t speak a word to him, literally driving him insane.”

After saying this, she thought of the characters’ endings and her tone grew low: “But at the same time, she acted as a human shackle, living in seclusion for twenty years without contact with anyone.” Su Zhiyi sighed, offering her own lament: “Sometimes I don’t know if the second lead succeeded in her revenge, or if she was bound by hatred and locked in prison for twenty years alongside the murderer. Is this kind of revenge really worth it?”

Gu Xizhou’s hand paused. She caught the gist of what kind of movie it was: I underestimated it; it turns out to be a detective/crime film exploring human nature.

Breaking her silence, Gu Xizhou spoke up: “If I were that second lead, I would certainly think it was worth it.”

Su Zhiyi blinked and asked, “Do you mean that if I were murdered one day and the person escaped the law, you would choose revenge this way?”

Gu Xizhou’s heart throbbed with pain. She looked deeply at Su Zhiyi, her expression solemn: “Su Zhiyi, don’t make such terrifying hypotheses. Even if you have to hypothesize, make it a good one.” She couldn’t bear to hear such things; if possible, she hoped Su Zhiyi would never be harmed in her entire life.

Su Zhiyi laughed, looking apologetic: “I’m sorry. I was just speaking hypothetically. Don’t be so angry.”

Gu Xizhou glared at her for a while before speaking: “If my story were a story like that, I would indeed use that method to seek justice for my lover.”

Su Zhiyi was puzzled: “Why?”

Gu Xizhou answered carefully: “Foucault has a famous quote: ‘The soul is the prison of the body.’ This means that psychological punishment is more powerful and effective than simple physical elimination. This is also a firm belief held by some members of the ‘abolitionist’ movement regarding the death penalty. Of course, the modern ‘abolitionist’ movement has largely become a tool for the powerful, but let’s put that aside for now.”

To protect herself, Gu Xizhou had studied law for a long time. Suppressing her emotions, she spoke softly and slowly: “In punishment, physical wear, labor, and reform are only meant to make the spirit go numb, realize, and repent through repeated hardship. That is also a form of psychological punishment. But imprisoning someone and not speaking to them for over twenty years is a much more incisive method.”

Gu Xizhou’s voice was very clear, like a small stream flowing gently. Su Zhiyi liked her, and this was part of the reason. she loved listening to Gu Xizhou speak, loved her erudite and wise appearance, and loved her awe-inspiring posture when executing justice.

Su Zhiyi put down her knife and fork, propped her chin in her hands, and looked at the other with sparkling eyes: “Mhm, keep going. Please, Teacher Gu Xizhou, tell me more. Teach this shallow and ignorant student properly.”