I Refuse This Life, Your Highness! - Chapter 39

That evening, the Duke came to my room with stronger liquor than usual.

“Your Majesty… Are you really planning to drink all of this?”

The distilled liquor in the opaque wine-colored ceramic bottles was undoubtedly high-proof, likely several dozen degrees. Not just one bottle, but two. I asked out of genuine concern.

“Is it true you can’t sleep without drinking?”

“No, I just can’t fall asleep right away, but I sleep well. When I’m drunk, I can’t do anything else and just fall asleep. It’s healthier than sleeping pills, so it’s fine.”

Fine, he says. He claims he can sleep without drinking, yet every time he comes to my room, he drinks. Ever since we married, he’s been visiting my room almost every night, so he’s basically been using alcohol to sleep all this time. As I looked at him with a dubious expression, the Duke stared back at me. The events from earlier in the day came to mind, as well as Leiya. Leiya, who had attended the Full Moon Festival.

I remembered the Full Moon Festival from my previous life vividly. The image of the Duke and Leiya dancing alone in a large hall. The quiet conversation between them that I couldn’t hear. No matter how kind the Duke was to me or how we shared the scent of winter apricots, I knew all too well that he would eventually go back to Leiya.

As he drank, the Duke spoke.

“I’ll be going to the front soon.”

“Yes.”

“This time… it’ll probably take about a week.”

“Where are you going this time?”

“To where Lord Bihen is. That area’s been quite noisy lately.”

I nodded and poured a very small amount of liquor for the Duke. Seeing this, he let out a soft chuckle, then snatched the bottle from me and filled his thick crystal glass to the brim. The pungent scent of the liquor filled the entire bedroom.

“You…”

“…”

“Don’t worry about me.”

I quietly poured myself a glass as well. The Duke watched me intently before speaking.

“You still hold the bottle in that peculiar way.”

“…Pardon?”

“Ah.”

This particular liquor came in bottles shaped like flower buds for the ones aged 30 years or less. Since childhood, I’d always thought the bottles looked like flowers, so I’d hold the base of the bottle as if cradling a flower bud. Even though the design made it easier to pour from the heavier top, I still held it that way.

The Duke seemed unexpectedly observant. He remembered such a trivial detail. Feeling slightly embarrassed, I grabbed the bottle again and poured another drink. While I sipped diluted liquor, the Duke emptied the bottle. Determined to drink more this time, I opened the next bottle, skipping the water, and drank straight from the glass. The Duke, seemingly amused by my determination, chuckled again but drank only about a glass and a half this time. He took a deep breath and stared at me intently.

His sharp eyes softened into a languid gaze. His long lashes cast faint shadows over his golden irises. Resting his chin on his hand, he silently watched me before closing his eyes tightly and abruptly standing up to head to the bed.

When I followed him to check, he was already asleep. Even with all that liquor, falling asleep the moment his head hit the pillow was an enviable skill. Perhaps that’s why he drank.

I lay down beside the Duke.

“…”

The events of the day lingered in my mind, and thoughts of Leiya followed, bringing a strange calm.

I was his wife. It wasn’t strange for a wife to do such things. Two months, a limited time. An affection with an expiration date. Limited.

I exhaled, the smell of alcohol on my breath, and lay as far from the Duke as possible, perched on the edge of the bed, trying to sleep.

I had planned to give him a handkerchief and a letter during the departure ceremony. But that didn’t happen. On the day of his departure, someone I knew all too well appeared at the ceremony: Leiya. The shock of seeing her face rendered me speechless.

“I greet you again, Your Majesty the Duchess. Leiya Aile greets Your Majesty.”

“….”

Instinctively, my gaze shifted to the Duke.

“She intended to join us outside the gates, but she came here first.”

“Ah… so you planned to travel together from the start.”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought it might only trouble you.”

“Trouble? Thank you for your thoughtfulness, Your Majesty. But there’s no need to inconvenience yourself on my account.”

After saying this, I glanced at Leiya. She was stroking her horse but turned her head to look at me. Her expression was calm.

Something felt off. Leiya… had she always looked like this? No. She used to seem softer, more delicate. She’d always seemed slightly timid, evoking a protective instinct. But now, she seemed cold somehow.

Was it because the Duke and I had grown closer?

“Your Majesty, it’s time to depart,” the Duke’s knight announced. Nodding, the Duke mounted his horse, and Leiya followed with another knight. The sound of horns echoed, flags fluttered, and the Duke’s procession marched away in precise formation.

After the Duke and half his knights had left, the ducal castle felt emptier, and rumors began to spread. Thankfully, many seemed to understand why I hadn’t fulfilled my duties as his wife—sending him off empty-handed.

“No wife would be pleased about her husband going off to war with another woman.”

“She’s the same guest from the Full Moon Festival.”

“The Duchess must feel so sorry for herself…”

I was just as much a Lamia as Leiya was. If I were a woman, it would be akin to the Duke bringing another woman he had once taken to a festival to a faraway expedition.

I tore up the letter and tossed it into the fireplace, shoving the handkerchief into a drawer. The Duke only gave a faint bitter smile when he saw me empty-handed.

The reason I didn’t give him the letter or handkerchief was out of embarrassment. With Leiya present, I thought, What’s the point? If he wanted to bring Leiya along, there was no need to inconvenience himself by meeting her outside the castle. Thinking it was a gesture of consideration for me only left me unsure whether to laugh or cry.

While I was immersed in work in my office, an unwelcome guest arrived. It was Erma. He was still limping, likely from the lingering effects of the flogging, but he pretended as though nothing was wrong in front of me.

“I greet Your Majesty.”

“What is it?”

“Your Majesty, there will be a bartering market outside the city gates this evening.”

I raised my head and gave Erma a look that clearly said, And so? My stare made him flinch slightly, but he pressed on resolutely.

“I’ve picked out a few inexpensive trinkets for you. How about going out to clear your mind?”

“Erma.”

Another ploy. As I sternly addressed him, he lowered his head.

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“When the Duke is absent, who is responsible for defending the castle?”

“Well… that would be Your Majesty.”

“Yet you suggest I leave my post for the sake of a trivial market?”

Erma let out a forced laugh, trying to lighten the mood, and said, “Your Majesty, events requiring you to defend the castle rarely happen so easily.”

“That is something no one can predict. Every defeat stems from complacency.”

“…”

“And another thing. Who do you think you are to decide whether to dispose of my jewelry? Are you suggesting I allow the trinkets once owned by the Duchess to circulate in the lower town?”

“That’s not what I meant…”

“Then what did you mean?”

“…I apologize.”

It was obvious that Erma intended to create scandal by having me leave my duties for a trivial errand while also foolishly disposing of my jewelry. In the absence of the Duke, as the one holding the authority to defend the castle, abandoning my post for such reasons would certainly lead to unpleasant rumors.

“Go and focus on your tasks. With His Majesty away, isn’t there a mountain of overdue work waiting for you?”

“Yes… I shall take my leave.”

Erma looked defeated, his face screaming, This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, and left in a hurry, practically fleeing. In my previous life, I had thought his behavior was out of goodwill. I hadn’t realized that each of those actions would ultimately tighten the noose around my neck.

“Sigh…”

“Shall I bring you some tea, Your Majesty?” asked Bohein.

“Please.”

In my previous life, on the first day the Duke left the castle, Erma had personally taken me to the plains. Having been cooped up for so long, I was overwhelmed by how refreshing, free, and beautiful the plains were. My heart raced. Erma told me I could stay there as long as I liked and to let him know whenever I wished to visit again.

We rode horses until the sun set and returned. After escorting me to my chambers, Erma dismissed all the attendants and servants, then grabbed my hand.

I was so startled I nearly screamed, but no one came to my aid, even at the sound of my voice. Erma kissed the back of my hand and said, “Your Majesty, I admire you deeply.”

Even now, the memory of those words makes my skin crawl. Back then, the gifts, good food, and fleeting sense of freedom Erma provided were the only “good things” I could have. I feared losing them all at once, but dragging things out wouldn’t have helped either, so I rejected him outright.

“Erma, how could you say such a thing? I am the Duchess.”

Even my rejection sounded weak and pathetic.

“Is admiration a crime? The Duke doesn’t care for you anyway.”

“Let go! Leave me alone!”

I shook off his hand, yelling with all the dignity I could muster as the Duchess, desperately wishing I could embody that role.

Erma didn’t give up, and I continued to reject him. Over time, his persistence turned from clinging to something far more sinister. Just like now. He humiliated me daily, eroded my confidence, and found every way to torment me.

I didn’t want it to be the same this time. To be honest, I wanted to kill him. But since I couldn’t, I settled for insulting him as much as I could.

“Avenge yourself.”

Suddenly, the Duke’s words from before came to mind. Avenge yourself. In your dreams. However it may be, find a way to be happy… so that I can be happy too.

As I drank the tea Bohein brought and settled my thoughts, I returned to my work.

Still, as I reviewed the documents filled with complex numbers and text, I couldn’t help but see the Duke’s face hovering above them.

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