Hating Her, While Still Having to Address Her as Mother - Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Mama, Hold Me

Chapter Summary: Kiss me.

Su Zhixi didn’t know how long she had been vomiting. She only remembered leaning over the toilet until she nearly lost consciousness. In a daze, she washed her face and staggered back to her bedroom, collapsing onto the bed as her mind went blank.

Her unconscious brain felt like a slurry where everything mixed together: the teacher’s lecture points, classmates’ jokes, and fragments of her past life with her mother.

Then came the disjointed memories and strange dreams.

She couldn’t remember who had said it, but someone once likened a dysfunctional family to a tree—a tree that looked lush and tall from the outside but was being hollowed out by termites within. For Su Zhixi, her “tree” had always been like that, even before Shen Manci arrived. She felt as though she were rooted to the spot, bark wrapping around her layer by layer until she became the tree itself—a silent tree. People would pass by and admire its stature, but her silent screams could never pierce through the layers of wood to reach the world outside.

She had been trying to communicate, but no one heard her call. Until a woman with a gentle braid and a soft smile walked past, looked at the tree with an expressionless face, and said to her companion: “This tree is broken.”

Su Zhixi woke from the nightmare with a start. She coughed uncontrollably, her tonsils aching with every breath, her head spinning. But a cool hand gently covered her forehead, calming her.

The woman withdrew a thermometer from her clothes and said: “38.7°C. You have a fever, Ah Xi.”

Her head was throbbing so hard she could barely open her eyes. In her delirious state, she felt it must be her mother speaking by the bed. Who else would use such a gentle tone?

Su Zhixi covered her eyes with one hand and began to sob quietly. “Mmm… Mama… Mama, you’re finally back. I missed you so, so much… You’re finally willing to come back and see me.”

The woman sitting by the bed remained silent for a long moment. She seemed to stand up, using her fingertip to gently wipe away Su Zhixi’s warm tears. “Yes, I’m back. So, are you going to be a good girl and listen to me?”

Su Zhixi wept into her pillow. “I’ll be good… just don’t leave me, okay?”

“Okay. Mama won’t leave Zhixi. Mama will stay by your side forever and ever.”

Delirious with fever, Su Zhixi felt her mother was being incredibly tender—different from her actual memories, but she was in no state to discern the truth. She followed her instincts toward the warmth.

Shen Manci reached out to help her up. “Let’s sit up and take some medicine before you sleep, okay?”

Su Zhixi grabbed that hand. It was as cool as cold jade, providing relief to her burning skin. Shen Manci didn’t pull away; she let the girl cling to her like a lifeline. With her other hand, she supported Su Zhixi’s back to help her sit up. Even then, Su Zhixi wouldn’t let go.

Shen Manci teased gently, “If you keep holding me like this, how am I supposed to give you your medicine?”

Su Zhixi pressed her face against the cool hand, nuzzling it like a needy kitten. “If I let go, will Mama leave and never come back?”

“No. Be good, Zhixi. Let go so we can take the medicine.” Shen Manci’s voice softened even further as she ruffled the girl’s messy hair.

Su Zhixi gripped tighter. With a silent sigh, Shen Manci gave up on freeing her hand and managed to pick up the tablets with her free hand. “Here, take these.” She held her palm out.

Su Zhixi looked at the white pills in a daze but didn’t move. “Mama, feed me.”

A flicker of amusement crossed Shen Manci’s calm eyes. She had captured a version of Su Zhixi she had never seen before. It was as if a rebellious, stubborn lion had suddenly exposed its soft underbelly. Shen Manci smiled—a silent, faint curve of the lips.

Children are children, after all.

Using her thumb and forefinger, Shen Manci held a small white pill to the girl’s lips. “Ah Xi, open up.”

Su Zhixi obeyed, her lips brushing the pill away, her tongue inadvertently flickering against Shen Manci’s fingertip. Shen Manci stared at her finger thoughtfully as several more capsules entered the girl’s mouth the same way. Finally, she handed her a glass of water to wash them down.

Once the medicine was taken, Shen Manci’s pager beeped. It was a colleague from work. She had planned to let Su Zhixi sleep the fever off, but she found her arm completely immobilized. Su Zhixi was clinging to her like ivy.

“Mama, are you leaving again?” Her eyes were swimming with tears, her expression more aggrieved than ever. She was using up a lifetime’s worth of repressed spoiled behavior in a single afternoon.

“There’s something at the office. Ah Xi, sleep at home and wait for me, okay?”

“Don’t you want me anymore? Are you going to abandon me again?” Tears spilled over and ran down Shen Manci’s sleeve. The warmth of the tears felt itchy against her skin.

“Then what do you want me to do to make you believe I’m not leaving?” Shen Manci felt a surge of pity. She stepped back into the role of the mother the girl craved.

Su Zhixi pulled her closer. “Mama, sleep with me.”

…

By the time Shen Manci snapped back to reality, her pager had been tossed aside, and she was lying next to Su Zhixi. The girl’s demands were endless and “excessive.”

“Mama, can you hold me like you did when I was little?”

Shen Manci’s eyes were as cold as autumn ripples, but she pulled the heat source into her arms nonetheless. “Is this okay?” she whispered.

Su Zhixi pressed her burning face against the cooler skin of Shen Manci’s neck, making the older woman shiver. The girl’s temperature was still quite high.

“Mama, kiss me, okay?”

Faced with one unreasonable request after another from her “child,” Shen Manci couldn’t help but sneer inwardly at the girl’s naivety, her lack of love, and her obvious weakness. Yet, she complied. She gently lifted Su Zhixi’s chin and pressed light kisses to her forehead and cheek, stroking her back rhythmically while humming a soft lullaby.

Before long, the girl’s breathing evened out. Su Zhixi fell fast asleep, clutching Shen Manci’s clothes. The medicine was strong, and it was a feat she had stayed awake this long. It was clear how much she missed her biological mother.

Shen Manci’s tired fingers lingered on the girl’s sleeping face before slowly withdrawing. She thought she might have finally found the way to live in harmony with Su Zhixi. As a stepmother, she had found her survival strategy. With a satisfied smile, Shen Manci fell asleep.

…

When Su Zhixi woke up, night had fallen. The world was dark, and her headache had subsided. She didn’t know what time it was. She tried to sit up, but her hand brushed against something—not a doll or a book, but something living.

She clicked on the bedside lamp. In the orange glow, she saw a woman lying next to her—the woman she hated most. Shen Manci appeared to have been awake for a while. She rolled over lazily and asked in a light tone, “Are you awake, Ah Xi? Does your head still hurt?”

Su Zhixi frowned. “Why are you in here?”

Hearing the cold tone return, Shen Manci acted hurt. “You asked me to sleep with you. Don’t you remember?”

“What are you talking about?” Su Zhixi felt like she had forgotten how to speak the language.

Shen Manci softened her voice until it was as smooth as silk. “I said, you asked ‘Mama’ to stay with you. You don’t remember?”

Su Zhixi’s face went from pale to red to white. The word “Mama” triggered a memory. She vaguely remembered “Mama” coming back to take care of her, feeding her medicine, and coaxing her to sleep. She felt like she was going to have a breakdown. It wasn’t her mother who had returned; it was Shen Manci playing the part.

“Do you remember now, Ah Xi?”

“Don’t call me that,” Su Zhixi snapped, her face flushing.

Shen Manci’s voice trembled slightly as she placed a hand on Su Zhixi’s. The acting began again. “Didn’t you say we should try to get along? Before you slept, you shared so many stories about school with me. While you had the fever, you wouldn’t let go of me, calling me ‘Mama’ in that sweet voice… asking me to hold you, to kiss you. You really don’t remember any of it?”

Shen Manci was a master of feigning grievance. She recounted those embarrassing details with “accidental” precision.

Su Zhixi felt her soul wither. What could be more humiliating than showing your most vulnerable, secret side to the person you hate most? Her secrets had been laid bare, and Shen Manci had sat there patiently admiring them.

“I don’t remember,” Su Zhixi said, closing her eyes and lying to herself.

“Since you don’t remember, I can tell you. When you were delirious…”

“Shen Manci!” Su Zhixi gripped the quilt and screamed the name. “Enough! Don’t say another word!” Her face was crimson.

Shen Manci smiled and stood up. Having teased the girl enough, she reached out to check her temperature. Su Zhixi flinched back.

“What? I’m not going to eat you. I’m just checking your fever,” Shen Manci said, finding the sick version of Su Zhixi much more entertaining and sensitive than usual.

Su Zhixi froze in place. Shen Manci’s smile deepened; she noted that the girl was much more obedient than usual. Shen Manci brushed back her own hair, then Su Zhixi’s, and pressed her forehead against the girl’s to gauge the heat.

Su Zhixi trembled. She didn’t understand this method of checking a fever. Why did she have to be so close? She spoke in a tiny voice, afraid that if she moved too much, her breath would hit Shen Manci’s lips. “Don’t you usually use your hand?”

“This is how we do it back in my hometown.” Shen Manci let go quickly. “Mmm, the fever has gone down a bit.”

Su Zhixi exhaled in relief as the distance between them returned.

“Put on your jacket when you get up. Take a hot shower, and I’ll go make some noodles.” Shen Manci stood and began putting on her sweater.

“Shen Manci… you don’t have to be so good to me.” Now that she was calm, Su Zhixi realized how much trouble she had caused. The school fight, the parking lot incident, and now making Shen Manci miss work to take care of her all day. She had received too much kindness from her “enemy” that she could never repay.

“Dad isn’t home. You don’t have to act,” Su Zhixi said stiffly.

Shen Manci chuckled in the shadows. Her eyes were bright with a faint, gentle smile that carried no malice. With that trademark beauty mark, her every expression seemed devoid of ill intent. She walked back to the bedside, leaning down to look into Su Zhixi’s young face. Her wavy hair brushed against the girl’s ear.

Word by word, she said…