Hating Her, While Still Having to Address Her as Mother - Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Mother

Chapter Summary: Did she ever love me?

Su Zhixi didn’t know how far she ran. She just kept running, terrified that if she stopped, someone would see her tears.

She wasn’t actually as composed or indifferent as she acted.

When Wang Yi had discussed her family matters so carelessly in front of the class, her ears had burned hot. A nameless fire suppressed in her heart made her dig her nails into the seams of her school trousers. Every word of ridicule felt like a train grinding over her skull. The burning gazes of her classmates—filled with pity—converged on her.

No one spoke, yet she could hear their private whispers:

“Her mother doesn’t want her anymore.” “Su Zhixi was abandoned.” “Her family was torn apart by a mistress.” “Should we go comfort her?”

By the time she snapped back to reality, she was already straddling Wang Yi, raining punch after punch down on him. It was the first time in her life she had hit someone; her knuckles throbbed with a searing pain, feeling the fragility of human tissue in a violent collision.

And then she realized why she was so angry.

Back at the parking lot, Shen Manci’s ruthless dissection of her felt like a veiled taunt: “I know I caused your misery, so it’s only natural for you to hate me.”

“Zhixi, Zhixi, why are you here?” A classmate’s voice pulled her back to the present.

Su Zhixi looked up and sniffled, realizing she had unconsciously run toward the school cafeteria. Exhausted, she had curled into a ball in a corner to digest her emotions in secret. It was Li Xiao, a diligent class committee member known for caring for everyone, who had found her and called out in concern.

“It’s the Winter Solstice today. Why aren’t you home eating dumplings?”

Su Zhixi froze. She had forgotten the date. In previous years, her mother would boil many dumplings—exactly ten for each person. Sometimes, her mother would hide coins inside them; whoever bit into a coin would have a year of luck and happiness.

But now, those dumplings are gone forever.

Seeing Su Zhixi dazed and sniffling, Li Xiao didn’t pry further. She reached out to pull her up, and Su Zhixi took her hand.

“Come on. I have a few extra meal tickets. I’ll treat you to dumplings.”

Li Xiao led her to the queue. She handed over the red tickets, and the cafeteria auntie ladled ten dumplings out of the boiling water, topping them with chopped green onions. Li Xiao then asked for an extra bowl and split the portion, giving five to Su Zhixi.

Su Zhixi realized then that Li Xiao didn’t have “extra” tickets at all—she was simply sharing her own lunch.

The cafeteria was packed, so they found a relatively clean spot on the edge of a flower bed to sit on the ground. Steam rose between them as they looked toward the school’s small 200-meter track.

“If you don’t go home, won’t your family worry?” Li Xiao asked between bites.

“I don’t have a home anymore,” Su Zhixi whispered, hiding her reddened eyes behind the rising steam.

Li Xiao was puzzled. “Then who was that beautiful woman in the office today?”

“My stepmother,” Su Zhixi replied bitterly.

“You hate her?” Li Xiao asked, popping a dumpling into her mouth. It was leek filling.

Su Zhixi hadn’t moved her spoon. She hated leeks and ginger, but to avoid ruining Li Xiao’s kindness, she eventually forced herself to eat the plump dumpling.

“I don’t think anyone likes their stepmother,” she said. “An unrelated person, no matter how enthusiastic, is just acting on the surface.”

To put it bluntly, it was a show. How could anyone truly love a child they shared no blood with? It was just a performance to fit into the family.

Li Xiao blew on her second dumpling and took a bite. “I have a younger sister who isn’t related by blood. I didn’t like her at first either, but…”

“But?”

“But later, she was so good to me. She really tried to please me and liked me like a real sister. I thought about it—in such a bizarre world, the fact that someone cares for you and loves you is already a miracle. Why worry about the form or the title?”

Su Zhixi was stunned by this. Before Li Xiao could take a third bite, Su Zhixi saw a graceful woman appearing on the track, looking around frantically. The woman looked tense and worried, her hair disheveled by the wind.

“Regardless of anything else,” Li Xiao remarked, “having such a beautiful, elegant stepmother care for you might not be such a bad thing.”

Shen Manci’s worry wasn’t faked. When she finally spotted Su Zhixi, her expression shifted from shock to relief, and finally to a quiet, simmering anger. It was a rare glimpse of the “friendly” Reporter Shen’s other side.

Shen Manci thanked Li Xiao and, in the name of the Winter Solstice, reimbursed her for the meal before taking Su Zhixi away.

On the way, Shen Manci gripped Su Zhixi’s wrist so tightly her nails dug into the skin.

“You’re hurting me,” Su Zhixi hissed.

“Sorry.” Shen Manci loosened her grip. Su Zhixi heard her take a heavy, shaky breath. After a moment of psychological preparation, Shen Manci turned to look her in the eye. “I was very worried about you, Ah Xi.”

Her voice was soft, devoid of blame, but her furrowed brows showed she was serious. Soon, she softened her gaze and brushed stray hair from Su Zhixi’s face. “Next time, don’t run away without saying anything, okay?”

She stared at Su Zhixi, desperate for a response. Su Zhixi’s lips parted, but she said nothing.

Shen Manci gave a bitter, helpless smile. “If you get lost, who will spend the Winter Solstice with me? Let’s go home, alright?”

This was the third time that day Shen Manci had patiently asked her to go home. Su Zhixi had to admit her heart was wavering.

Standing on the empty track, the wind was harsh. Shen Manci’s curls were plastered against her face, revealing an earring hidden beneath. She looked exhausted.

Su Zhixi finally gave a muffled “Mm,” signaling she wouldn’t do it again.

Seeing her relent, Shen Manci let go of her wrist and instead took her hand. Shen Manci’s palm was large and warm, providing a haven for Su Zhixi’s frozen, purple fingertips.

In the past, Su Zhixi’s mother rarely held her hand. There was no physical affection between them. The verbal communication alone was so oppressive that it felt like they were perpetually at a distance.

Li Xiao’s words echoed in her mind: “Why worry about the form or the title?”

A new, darker thought began to form in Su Zhixi’s mind. Perhaps I can pretend to accept her. I’ll live a happy life with her until she lets her guard down. Then, I’ll find her weakness and hurt her when she least expects it.

The idea was intoxicating. She looked forward to the revenge after a long build-up. She wanted to see disappointment and hurt in Shen Manci’s eyes. To hurt someone, they first have to care about you.

Su Zhixi’s lips curled slightly. She wouldn’t be a “bad” kid anymore. From today, she would be the most obedient child. She would make Shen Manci believe she had accepted her as a mother.

“What filling are the dumplings?” Su Zhixi asked.

Surprised by the sudden change in tone, Shen Manci replied, “Corn.”

Corn was Su Zhixi’s favorite. In this region, most families ate leek, so perhaps Shen Manci liked corn too.

At home, Shen Manci started the water and went to change, asking Su Zhixi to watch the pot. Su Zhixi obeyed. When Shen Manci returned, Su Zhixi was quietly staring at the stove. Without seeing her face, it was impossible to guess her expression.

“Go rest, Ah Xi. I’ll handle the rest,” Shen Manci said. “You’ve had a long day.”

“No, I’m not tired. Dumplings cook fast. I’ll wait here.”

It seemed Su Zhixi wanted to talk. Even though Shen Manci wasn’t a teacher, she knew the girl’s behavior was abnormal. But she didn’t expose the thin acting. She sat down and motioned for Su Zhixi to join her.

She placed a hand on Su Zhixi’s leg. “So, can I take it that you’re willing to talk to me now?”

“Yes.”

At that single word, the tension in Shen Manci’s face vanished, replaced by visible joy. She truly believed she had finally thawed a cold stone.

“Then… let’s talk about your school life.”

Shen Manci immediately stepped into a minefield. Su Zhixi gritted her teeth, suppressed her anger, and forced a smile. “Sure. What do you want to know?”

“Your hobbies, your friends, your role in class… anything you want to share.”

Shen Manci looked radiant, her beauty mark looking quite pleasant in the soft home lighting. With her hair down in a loose braid, she seemed much more tender than the sharp reporter she was in public.

Su Zhixi realized Shen Manci was like a chameleon, changing her “colors” to fit into any environment. She was a master of performance. Su Zhixi felt a surge of nausea and began biting the skin on her lip.

She loathed the “maternal” role Shen Manci was playing. But she endured it. “I don’t have many hobbies. Just writing, drawing, and crafts. I have a few friends, and I’m the English class representative.”

“I didn’t know you were the English rep! I’ve always thought people who are good at English are confident and bold. To me, you fit that perfectly.”

Su Zhixi was caught off guard by the compliment. It was a reporter’s skill—socially savvy, keeping the conversation flowing. Even though she knew it was a tactic, Su Zhixi felt a sense of satisfaction.

Her mother never had time for “useless” talk after school. Even when Su Zhixi tried to share things, her mother’s eyes were always down on her work, never on her daughter. Her mother’s numbed responses always left her feeling hollow.

And yet here was Shen Manci, doing what her mother never could.

Shen Manci listened with genuine warmth, giving positive feedback and maintaining eye contact. She didn’t look bored. She acknowledged every sentence with a soft “Mm-hmm.”

“Oh, the water’s boiling. Let me add some cold water.” Shen Manci stood up to tend to the pot. When she sat back down, she said, “You were saying? What joke did the math teacher tell?”

She remembered everything. She wasn’t just faking it; she was actually listening.

Su Zhixi’s nose felt prickly. This was supposed to be a “mission” to punish Shen Manci, but it felt like she was punishing herself. Shen Manci’s perfect parenting made Su Zhixi feel like the real fool. She realized that before her mother abandoned her, she probably wasn’t important to her at all.

Su Zhixi kept talking about school, but her mind was elsewhere. For someone betrayed by their family, even the smallest detail can trigger a profound sense of insecurity.

“Dumplings are ready. Let’s eat.”

As they sat down, Shen Manci ladled extra dumplings into Su Zhixi’s bowl. “I can’t eat that many. You’re still growing.”

“Why are you dazed? Eat up. You love corn dumplings, right? Or did I remember wrong?”

The final blow was that Shen Manci remembered her favorite food. Her mother’s knowledge of her preferences had stopped when she was five. Her mother didn’t actually know what she liked now.

After dinner, they retired to their rooms.

In the middle of the night, once she was sure Shen Manci was asleep, Su Zhixi crept into the bathroom and began to vomit uncontrollably.

She didn’t know why she was throwing up. Her stomach was in knots. The corn and pork dumplings—her favorite—now felt like poison.

The painful memories and her sensitive heart forced her to compare Shen Manci to her mother over and over. She couldn’t tell if the liquid on her face was sweat or tears. Before she collapsed on the bathroom floor, one question circled her mind:

“Mother, did you ever love me?”

Why did a stranger care more than her own mother? For over a decade of Winter Solstices, her mother had served leek dumplings, never noticing that her daughter hated them.

Why did this “disgusting” outsider know her better than her own flesh and blood?

It was nauseating. The ridicule from Wang Yi and the memories of the past washed down the drain along with her dinner.