After My Death, I Became a Heartless Madman - Chapter 5

A tickling sensation spread across her neck, followed by the soft press of lips rubbing against it in an ambiguous manner. Bai Ruowei froze, her ear quickly flushing red.

The faint fragrance of night-blooming cereus lingered around her, it was the scent of Song Shizhou’s pheromones. Bai Ruowei had never been fond of fleeting things. “A flash in the pan” sounded anything but perfect to her. She always sought flawlessness in everything she did.

But the fragrance of the cereus was indeed sweet, intoxicating.

She liked it.

Bai Ruowei swallowed hard, her hand unconsciously resting on Song Shizhou’s waist. They were of similar height, but Miss Bai preferred nestling into Song Shizhou’s embrace, nuzzling her neck like a dependent kitten. Song Shizhou indulged her without protest.

Leaning against Song Shizhou, Bai Ruowei cast a provocative glance at Song Fengyu.

“!”

Words could deceive, but actions spoke volumes. Their embrace was the most irrefutable answer. A suffocating anger rose in Song Fengyu’s chest, and she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

With Fengyu gone, the tension in the room dissipated. Afraid of wrinkling Miss Bai’s clothes, Song Shizhou lifted her gently and placed her properly on the sofa.

“Why did you run?”

But before she could move, a hand clamped onto the back of her neck.

The cereus scent was fading, and Bai Ruowei frowned in displeasure.

“I told you I hate Song Fengyu. Why did you invite her? From now on, don’t bring anyone into our home without my permission.”

Her words always carried an air of natural authority, as if everything she said was indisputable. Just like the day her true identity was revealed, when Song Shizhou had trembled, demanding to know who she really was Bai Ruowei had looked down at her with the same arrogance, countering, What does it matter who I am? You love me, not my identity or my name.

Or would you stop loving me just because I changed my name?

Song Shizhou had found her reasoning flawless, surrendering with a flustered denial.

“Of course not…”

Warm breath brushed against Song Shizhou’s neck as Bai Ruowei gripped her collar, refusing to let go. Song Shizhou couldn’t help but grumble inwardly. She’s the one who drove Fengyu away in triumph, yet now she’s acting like the aggrieved party, giving orders. Helpless, she pinched Bai Ruowei’s waist and conceded.

“Fine, I’ll try to keep Fengyu away from you in the future.”

“Future?”

“So you’re planning to meet her in secret?”

Song Shizhou couldn’t fathom why Bai Ruowei’s mind always twisted things this way. As the Chief Inspector, shouldn’t she be preoccupied with maintaining order in the Inner City? Rumors said the Thirteenth District was in turmoil again, with ordinary people those without superpowers organizing another rebellion. Bai Ruowei would soon be dispatched to suppress it. Shouldn’t her mind be filled with tactical plans? Why waste time on such trivial matters?

When no answer came, Bai Ruowei gripped her chin, forcing her to look up.

A tremor ran through Bai Ruowei’s heart.

“That woman Song Fengyu mentioned earlier… You’d better not, ”

“I didn’t.”

Song Shizhou cut her off.

“I really didn’t. Xiao Bai, my lady, my wife…”

She rattled off three of Bai Ruowei’s favorite terms of endearment in one breath.

“I’ve explained this from the start. From beginning to end, you’re the only one I’ve ever loved.”

The rambling confession Song Shizhou had lost count of how many times she’d said it. She started by admitting that her initial confession had been fueled by alcohol, but she sobered up the next day. She knew exactly who she loved, Bai Ruowei, Bai Ruowei, Bai Ruowei, the one who had kissed her in bed.  In short, as long as Bai Ruowei remained unsatisfied, she would keep repeating it endlessly, through eternity, through the shifting of time itself. She used to think this was Bai Ruowei’s way of loving her, but when love turned into a burden, into relentless pressure, could it still be called love?

Song Shizhou didn’t know, and she didn’t dare to find out.

Perhaps sensing the sincerity in Song Shizhou’s tone, Bai Ruowei didn’t press further this time. She pushed Song Shizhou away and headed to take a shower.

“Bai Ruowei.”

Song Shizhou rarely called out to stop her.

She could indeed keep talking like this as long as Bai Ruowei was willing to listen, she could repeat herself tirelessly until the end of time. But at the same time… couldn’t she also receive some affirmation from Bai Ruowei?

She could always be the one to compromise in their relationship, always the first to lower her head and yield. But she didn’t want to be toyed with, didn’t want to be ignored. She wanted love too.

She also wanted to hear Bai Ruowei say she loved her.

“Actually, Song Fengyu wasn’t wrong… we… we’re just too different.”

“You’re so much better than me. The Inner City is full of people longing for your favor. Why… why did you choose me?”

And if she had chosen her, why couldn’t she trust her? Why make her prove herself over and over, teasing her, tormenting her? Did Bai Ruowei really find joy in seeing her hurt?

Song Shizhou lowered her head, exhaustion flickering across her face. But since her back was turned, Miss Bai couldn’t see the silence in her expression.

“Song Fengyu’s words aren’t worth listening to…”

What other reason could there be for being with her? Bai Ruowei was growing impatient. She didn’t want to answer and casually brushed off the question, sealing Song Shizhou’s lips with her own. The faint marks of her nails were still visible on her palm, she had dug them in earlier. She held her hand out to Song Shizhou, looking at her as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

So, Miss Bai wasn’t as composed as she appeared? Song Shizhou was surprised. She grasped Bai Ruowei’s wrist, staring intently before pressing two kisses onto the fresh marks.

Miss Bai then leaned down and kissed her lips in return.

Song Shizhou stopped Bai Ruowei with two fingers against her lips, tugging her hair to pull her away.

“Xiao Bai, don’t mess around. Answer my question first.”

How else was she supposed to answer?

What other reason could there be?

Bai Ruowei was thoroughly annoyed.

“Why do you keep asking me such embarrassing questions? Don’t bring it up again.”

Song Shizhou fell silent.

“It’s my fault…”

“But I’ve always wanted to ask you, can you tell me what our relationship really is?”

Of course they were lovers, what else could they be? Bai Ruowei was irritated. She felt dismissed, and an inexplicable itch prickled at the mark on the back of her neck. Bai Ruowei had never been one to fear pain, but the strange unease in her heart unsettled her.

She wanted to give a firm answer, but out of habit, she tossed the question back to Song Shizhou.

“What do you think our relationship is?”

Song Shizhou smiled faintly,

“One-sided affection?”

One-sided affection?

Bai Ruowei frowned. How could she think that?

Had she not shown enough love normally? Bai Ruowei trembled slightly, she had already loved her so much. From birth till now, she had never treasured anyone this dearly. Mia teased her for being lovesick, thinking of nothing but her outside of missions, telling her not to obsess over Song Shizhou constantly to avoid getting hurt.

Bai Ruowei sat beside Song Shizhou, suddenly feeling at a loss. Miss Bai had never coaxed anyone before, nor did she know how there were too many men and women fawning over her to count.

But she detested their advances, impatiently rejecting them the moment they approached, so she had no experience to this day. Cold for twenty years, it was only after meeting Song Shizhou that she first learned the feeling of a lover’s embrace. She had spent the entire night dazed, completely unaware of what would happen next. Words could lie, but the body’s reactions never would, how perfectly they fit together, how much she loved that intimacy, to the point of nearly becoming insatiable. Could Song Shizhou not see that?

Had she believed Song Fengyu’s nonsense?

Miss Bai was always generous to those around her, but toward Song Shizhou, she was indeed stingy not financially, but emotionally.

She never expressed love to Song Shizhou. Only when she truly needed it would she reluctantly offer a little, like doling out medicine.

Bai Ruowei’s faint smile was icy. Shedding her earlier unreasonable playfulness, an air of aloof distance settled over her cold, arrogant, detached.

Nothing like a lover.

“Think whatever you want. If you insist on believing that, there’s nothing I can do.”

Such masterful phrasing, effortlessly shifting all the blame back onto Song Shizhou. Bai Ruowei said, “Think whatever you want,” as if it were solely Song Shizhou’s choice to believe it.

She should have seen it coming.

From the first time Bai Ruowei concealed her identity to now, casually uttering this heart-piercing remark, all the signs confirmed that in this relationship, it had only ever been Song Shizhou’s one-sided affection.

But why deceive her? Letting her look forward to their wedding date, letting her dream of having a family, only to cruelly shatter it and toy with her.

The bathroom door slammed shut. A sharp pain shot through her tightly clenched palm.

To love is to hold a torch against the wind, one risks burning their hand.

But if Bai Ruowei loved her, Song Shizhou could,  could keep holding on.

She opened her palm. A diamond ring lay there quietly.

She had saved for a long time to buy this ring. It was so expensive that she could only afford one. She had originally planned to give it to Bai Ruowei when proposing, but now it seemed unnecessary.

The hard diamond scorched her palm. It already hurt so much, yet Song Shizhou stubbornly refused to let go.

Even in the dark, the faintest light made the diamond sparkle, like a blazing flame luring moths, pain willingly embraced. Song Shizhou cradled it reverently before her eyes, studying every dazzling glint.

“This ring is so beautiful.”

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