Still Secretly In Love With My Enemy Today - Chapter 45

Chapter 45: 

 

Back in Linlang Pavilion, in Hengzhou, I used to sleep wherever I could—on the floor by the bed, a chair a few steps away, or a table cluttered with various medicinal herbs and packets. I always slept lightly, keeping a sharp eye on Xie Huaishuang’s every move.

 

Now, everything was reversed.

 

I didn’t know where exactly we were. The room seemed perpetually dim from morning to night. Except for when I first woke up, I couldn’t manage much speech; I could only catch glimpses of him in the brief intervals between consciousness and the fog.

 

All my senses felt distant. The world was dark and silent, save for Xie Huaishuang’s breathing, which remained there like a tiny spark of light, anchoring my hazy, sinking consciousness.

 

When I opened my eyes again, he was indeed still there, watching over me. His sword was clutched in his arms, his expression taut. Seeing me move, he immediately leaned closer. A wave of coolness pressed against me; I followed that sensation and, after a moment, realized he was cradling my hand against his cheek.

 

“Does it still hurt?”

 

I shook my head. I felt as if I had used a tremendous amount of strength, though I wasn’t sure if he could even tell.

 

A pill was pressed into my mouth, though this time even the bitterness seemed faint. During my previous wakenings, I vaguely sensed him feeding me things—medicine, water, or something else—but I could never distinguish them. Only this medicine of Ye Jingwei’s, even with my dulled taste buds, stood out with a bitterness that was truly unique.

 

—But why is he feeding me this again? I seem to remember her saying this was a last resort, to buy a little more time when things looked dire. Just what do I look like right now?

 

I wanted to ask him. I gathered my strength again and again, but the words remained stuck in my throat.

 

“Don’t speak.”

 

After saying that, Xie Huaishuang fell silent too. He lowered his head, lifted my hand slightly, and pressed it slowly against his face.

 

It was so cold.

 

Just like that, within a few breaths, my eyelids became uncontrollable again. The surroundings blurred, dissolving back into the abyss.

 

I lost sight of him once more.

 

“Look at me.”

 

His voice had gone hoarse at some point as he gripped my hand.

 

“Look at me…”

 

My stubborn eyelids managed to flutter open just a crack. Although I couldn’t actually see anything—it was all just a black void—I could pretend I was looking at him.

 

No wonder he could always find me back when he was the blind one. I thought muddledly: You really can sense it. When you look in the right direction, it’s like a quick, light pluck of a heartstring—that’s how you know.

 

“I am.”

 

I used every bit of energy I’d saved to struggle out those two words. It wasn’t exactly a lie; I’d just have to make sure to look at him more the next time I woke up.

 

In truth, every awakening was exhausting. It took all my will to drag my consciousness back before I drifted away completely. The various wounds would throb with particular intensity during these moments. Several times, I hallucinated that I was back in the Temple’s dungeon, the sword having just pierced my abdomen or shoulder.

 

But the thought that “it’ll be better if I just sleep” was one I didn’t dare entertain.

 

Xie Huaishuang was right here. No matter what, I had to grit my teeth and crawl back to open my eyes and see him.

 

…

 

The sun and moon cycled a few times. By the fourth day, I finally felt like I was starting to truly live again.

 

From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew this time was different. Before, it felt like a stray wisp of a soul wandering back for a quick peek; now, I could tangibly feel myself lying there. My vision wasn’t like looking through a thick fog anymore. I could clearly see the exhaustion on Xie Huaishuang’s face and the shock in his eyes.

 

“Are you…” He leaned in, his fingertips trembling before my eyes. “Can you see me?”

 

“I see you.”

 

This time, I could actually speak. I tried to reach out and touch him, but after several attempts, I realized with frustration that I might have to endure being helpless for a bit longer.

 

“That’s good… that’s good…”

 

For a moment, his stiff expression fractured. His lips twitched into a forced, shaky smile as he repeated those words over and over. His gaze was frantic, his movements aimless. I watched him for a long while, realizing he didn’t even know what he was trying to do.

 

Perhaps he truly didn’t know. He looked like he hadn’t rested in days; his complexion was terrible. I was worried to death. He was completely neglecting himself, throwing his well-being away. How could a person do that? Even a man made of iron would break.

 

“I’m fine.” I turned my head slightly on the pillow to look at him. “Have you changed your own bandages? You…”

 

“Don’t worry about that. I have it under control.”

 

Xie Huaishuang didn’t let me finish. He reached out to touch my forehead, and just as he opened his mouth to speak, a faint jingling of bells rang out from outside.

 

—One morning back in Hengzhou, I had explained the Hanging Bell Array to him. I had taken his hand to feel the specially made copper bells on the ropes, slowly explaining how they worked. When the bells shook gently in his hand, his brows had lifted in curiosity, sunlight streaming over his features.

 

The room was still dim. At the sound of the bells, Xie Huaishuang’s expression turned cold. He told me twice to stay still and not move, then pushed himself up from the bedside and vanished outside with his sword.

 

When he returned, he stood at the door and stripped off his outer robe, bunching it up and tossing it aside. He threw it as far away from me as possible, but the thick, metallic scent of blood still reached my nose.

 

When he turned back, I saw the ice in his eyes—he looked like a blood-stained blade himself. Noticing my gaze, he froze for a second, shook his head quickly to dispel the killing intent, and then approached.

 

As before, he buried his face in my palm, rubbing against it twice. When he looked up, his voice was very soft.

 

“I’m going to get you some water. Don’t move.”

 

…

 

Over the next two days, I was awake more often. I realized that aside from changing my bandages, feeding me medicine, and keeping watch, Xie Huaishuang spent nearly all his time staring at me, his hand never leaving his sword. He was constantly on high alert.

 

“It’s sunny today. It’s warm outside.”

 

He was stubborn about holding my hand, always pressing it against his cheek.

 

“I sent a message to Senior Sister. Your mechanical birds aren’t as easy to use as hers.”

 

His tone was always a bit stiff when he spoke, as if he were forcing himself to say these things, constantly suppressing the tremor in his voice. Occasionally, when he was simply too exhausted to function, he would lean against the bedside and doze for a bit. The slightest sound would startle him awake, and he would snap upright to resume his tense vigil.

 

One time when he jolted awake, I had managed to push myself halfway up, trying to shimmy further onto the bed. I had intended to drape a cloak over him.

 

“Why are you… why are you up?”

 

“I’m just moving over,” I said as he pressed me back down—a completely subconscious movement on his part. I had to explain: “Come up. Lie down and rest for a while.”

 

“No, I don’t need to… don’t move around.”

 

“I worked so hard just to sit up,” I said, using my left hand to touch his palm as I usually did. “You can’t let my efforts go to waste, can you? Be good.”

 

Xie Huaishuang seemed truly dazed from sleep deprivation, making him easier to trick than usual. Fifteen minutes later, he was finally lying beside me.

 

“Sleep.” I tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear, trying my best to look like I wasn’t struggling. “How many days has it been since you slept properly?”

 

He didn’t want to sleep, but he had clearly reached his limit. The moment he lay down, his eyelids began to droop.

 

“If anything hurts… call me.” His voice grew muddled, his eyes forced half-open by sheer will.

 

“Okay. I’ll call you.”

 

The dark circles under his eyes were prominent. Even in sleep, he was restless, his brow furrowed. He would twitch occasionally, only relaxing when I patted his back.

 

This was likely the longest he’d slept in days, but it only lasted two hours. When he woke up, he wasn’t as easy to manage. He pursed his lips tightly and refused to listen to reason.

 

“I’m going to check outside.” He inspected me thoroughly from head to toe before taking his sword out again. It seemed to be raining; the pitter-patter drowned out his footsteps.

 

—Is he just standing out there in the rain?

 

The more anxious I got, the harder it was to move. I was either pulling a stitch or hitting a bruise. By the time I finally managed to sit up, Xie Huaishuang had already returned.

 

When he turned to close the door, he was covered in mist. Standing in the shadows, thinking I hadn’t seen him, he shook the droplets from his hair. He froze when he saw me and quickly strode over.

 

“Why are you up again?”

 

“I’m really much better.” I looked closely at his face. “Your clothes are wet, take them off. Don’t just worry about me, look at yourself—”

 

“Don’t talk.”

 

Xie Huaishuang had always been stubborn, but now he was ten times worse. He reached out and tucked the quilt back over me, his lips pulled into a thin line.

 

“…Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

He didn’t answer. He just backed away slightly and sat against the edge of the bed. From my perspective, I could only see him still tightly clutching his sword.

 

I called his name. “Xie Huaishuang?”

 

He hummed in response and turned to look at me.

 

“Are you cold?”

 

He shook his head, then stopped halfway and looked at my left hand, which was gripping his sleeve.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Come here.”

 

“I won’t—”

 

He froze as I gripped his wrist. Back when he was blind, I used to hold his wrist like this to tell him where to go. He had grown used to it.

 

“Come here. Lie here.”

 

Xie Huaishuang glanced at me, opened his mouth to argue, but ultimately said nothing. He was indeed carrying a chill. It was only after lying in the warm spot where I had been for so long that he began to regain some warmth.

 

“Still cold?”

 

He shook his head and leaned against my chest, eyes downcast. He was terrified of hitting my wounds, his entire body still stiff. This wasn’t the usual Xie Huaishuang; he was like someone encased in a shell of ice, holding himself together by sheer force of will.

 

“Everything is fine now.”

 

He gave a soft response but didn’t react otherwise. His face remained expressionless. I leaned in, searching for his eyes.

 

“Xie Huaishuang.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“I’m really okay.”

 

“I should get down. In a moment you’ll—”

 

“Cry if you want to.”

 

That sentence hit a switch. He went still for a second, and then his shoulders began to shake. He buried his face in the pillow, his messy hair falling over him.

 

“Does it feel bad holding it in?”

 

Xie Huaishuang ignored me, curling into a ball and clutching the pillow. The tremors in his back grew more and more violent.

 

—He had been holding this in for a very, long time.

 

“It’s okay. Don’t be afraid…” I wiped his tears, but as soon as one line was gone, another followed. A dark wet patch quickly spread across the pillow.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

As I slowly patted his back, he finally began to relax. It took longer than usual, but it worked.

 

“I’m not leaving. How could I ever leave you?”

 

Xie Huaishuang’s voice was muffled. “You would. Why wouldn’t you?”

 

“I wouldn’t. I can’t bear to.”

 

When I instinctively touched his cheek, I finally understood why he had been so obsessed with pressing my hand to his face these past few days. When he was uncomfortable, sad, or didn’t want to take his medicine, this was how I always coaxed him.

 

“I can’t bear to. I can’t bear to leave you.”

 

I wiped away another trail of tears. His shoulders were still hitching as he revealed half his face from the pillow.

 

“You are not allowed to leave me behind.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“You are not allowed to go before me.” He lifted his gaze, tears still clouding his eyes. “Promise me—you are not allowed to go before me.”

 

His hair was still damp from the mist. “Alright. It’s over… everything is fine.”

 

I felt like I had truly come back to life. When I told him that, his voice was small and muffled: “So you were faking it before? When you said you were fine, you were lying to me?”

 

“…My mistake.”

 

When he lifted his head, he glared at me. The frost of the last few days finally began to thaw, revealing glimpses of his usual self. I finally breathed a sigh of relief.

 

After a long silence, he spoke again.

 

“The clothes are all dirty. I threw them away.”

 

“Then we don’t need them. We’ll buy more when we go back. If you like those, we’ll make identical ones.”

 

“My sword… it has nicks in the blade.”

 

“I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it perfectly.”

 

“You were supposed to fix it in the first place.”

 

“…Yes. I was.”