Spring Night of Misty Rain - Chapter 37

Xu Luosu had never seen Shen Zeyu express such turbulent emotions. She stared at the tears in the other woman’s eyes, frozen in place, her own eyes filled with helplessness.

As the tide of emotion peaked, Shen Zeyu caught the look of shock in Xu Luosu’s pupils and realized her subconscious was losing control. This lack of control wasn’t just a simple emotional tremor; it was capable of causing actual harm.

She remained silent for a long while, then quickly crouched down, wrapping her arms around her legs to curl herself into a ball. She began to repeat a single phrase under her breath: “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine…”

Self-embracing helped calm the emotions. Xu Luosu stood still, watching her mutter for nearly half a minute. After a moment’s thought, she also crouched down, resting her hands on her knees and gazing at her with worry. She didn’t dare make a sound, fearing that a single word from her might shatter Shen Zeyu into pieces.

After a long time, Shen Zeyu finally stabilized from the chaotic whirlwind of feelings. She looked up, her watery eyes fixing on Xu Luosu. “I’m sorry…”

She was the first to apologize. Xu Luosu shook her head and reached out to stroke her hair. “Do you feel any better?”

Shen Zeyu shook her head, took a deep breath, and suppressed her emotions to make a final decision. “My current condition is very bad. Whether I stay alone or with you, it’s dangerous. I need to return to Jinwu for treatment as soon as possible, or I will lose control.”

Xu Luosu’s pupils trembled as she bit her lower lip hard. The dream was over, and cruel reality sat before them. No matter how she tried to glaze over the truth with phrases like “not in a good state,” she now had to admit that she was a psychiatric patient. She couldn’t control her emotions; she would even amplify her negative impulses, thereby hurting the people she cherished.

Shen Zeyu released her legs, leaned forward to pull Xu Luosu into an embrace, and said with a sob, “I’m sorry.”

If she were fifteen or sixteen, in the prime of her youth, she would be with Xu Luosu. If she were in her twenties, in those high-spirited years, she would pursue her. But she was thirty-one this year, emotionally wounded and plagued by illness; she didn’t dare make a promise to anyone.

Especially not to someone like Xu Luosu. This was likely just a spark of admiration born from idolization; it would eventually dissipate.

She patted Xu Luosu’s back and choked out, “I consider you my best friend. Whether now or in the future, I will always be grateful that you appeared in my life.”

Having said her piece, Shen Zeyu released her and squeezed out a smile. “Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”

She had said everything, yet it felt as if she had said nothing at all. Xu Luosu felt a lump in her throat and couldn’t utter a word. Mist rapidly gathered deep in her eyes as she looked at Shen Zeyu, her gaze filled with a sadness she had never known before. She began to experience the kind of pain Shen Zeyu had described.

Volcanoes erupting, the earth rending—the heart feeling as if it had shattered, with lava flowing everywhere.

She leaned toward Shen Zeyu, slumping against her shoulder, and tears rolled down. She cried silently. It’s so bitter, Shen Zeyu. No matter who tries to love her, it just won’t work.

Not long after landing in Haicheng, Xu Luosu accompanied Shen Zeyu back to Jinwu.

Before her admission, Xu Luosu accompanied Shen Zeyu to a consultation. Only then did she discover that since September, Shen Zeyu had taken it upon herself to reduce her medication dosage, and by December, she had begun overusing the drugs. This had completely disordered her medication cycle.

Listening from the side, Xu Luosu’s head buzzed. The time Shen Zeyu began reducing her meds coincided exactly with the scriptwriting period for the second season of Night Languor. It was precisely this that caused the current depressive episode to be so aggressive.

The doctor was furious and recommended she be hospitalized for three months to readjust her cycle. Shen Zeyu did not object. That very evening, she completed the admission procedures and moved in.

That night, Xu Luosu saw the hospital room where Shen Zeyu had lived for two years. Everything was white, save for a single window on the left that looked out onto an elm forest, from spring through winter. Shen Zeyu changed into her patient gown and sat upright on the bed, her long sleeves rolled to her elbows, as the nurse drew vial after vial of blood.

Once the draw was finished, Shen Zeyu lowered her sleeves and turned her gaze to Xu Luosu. “It’s late. You should go back.”

Xu Luosu turned, her gaze lingering. “The sun you mentioned before… was it the light falling on those trees?”

Shen Zeyu nodded. “Mm.”

The mist in Xu Luosu’s eyes hadn’t dissipated. She looked at her directly, the sadness in her eyes clearly visible. Shen Zeyu sighed and comforted her, “It’s all in the past.”

She stood up and walked toward Xu Luosu. “Don’t worry. It’s very late; go back now.” As she spoke, she reached out to tug at the hem of Xu Luosu’s clothes, leading her toward the exit.

At the doorway, Xu Luosu gripped the doorframe with one hand, her eyes full of tears. “Can I come see you later?”

Shen Zeyu sighed, feeling helpless. She reached out to push Xu Luosu toward the door. “A psychiatric hospital isn’t exactly a nice place. Why would you want to come? Go on, go home early.”

She pushed Xu Luosu out, and as the younger woman looked back with every step, she finally pushed her to the elevator. When the elevator doors were closing, Xu Luosu added reluctantly, “I will come see you.” She spoke with red, stubborn eyes.

Shen Zeyu waved her hand, giving a perfunctory, “Mm.”

Xu Luosu’s schedule was packed—filming, public appearances, and handling business. Shen Zeyu didn’t think she would actually have time to look after her. Furthermore, she was long accustomed to being alone; she didn’t harbor hope for anything anymore, did she?

On the way to the hospital, Xu Luosu hadn’t felt much. But as she left in the car, she was suddenly overwhelmed by a mountain of grief.

Since childhood, she had everything she could ever want; nothing was missing. As long as she desired it, she could get along with anyone. Because her own spirit was so abundant, she never needed emotional dependence and was even less interested in “romance.”

It wasn’t that no one had ever liked her—suitors were as numerous as the fish in a river—but after a period of contact, that admiration and goodwill usually turned into a distant, unattainable idolization.

Shen Zeyu wasn’t the first person in her life she wanted to befriend, but she was certainly the first one she was curious about. It’s so sad… I clearly wanted to cherish her properly, so why did it turn out like this? Why…

Xu Luosu leaned against the car window, watching the dark night scenery outside, crying silently. She wept without a sound, making the assistant in the driver’s seat, Cai Yi, afraid to even breathe loudly. They were so passionate when they met; how did Teacher Shen end up in a psychiatric hospital? Did the boss get dumped?

The little assistant was terrified and spoke cautiously, “President Xu, where are we going next?”

Originally, Xu Luosu had heard from the personal trainer that Shen Zeyu wasn’t doing well, so she had cancelled her work to stay with her. As it turned out, she had only added fuel to the fire.

Xu Luosu’s face was covered in tears, but she still tried to maintain her image. She sniffed and said with a sob, “Back to Nanjiang…” In her current state, there was no way she could work; she could only hide at home.

When she arrived at Xu Qingyue’s large flat in Nanjiang, it was exactly six in the morning. Xu Luosu scanned her fingerprint and entered. She didn’t turn on the lights, simply sitting on the sofa and staring blankly at the faint blue sky outside the window.

When Xu Qingyue got up to drink water, rubbing her eyes in her nightgown, she was startled by Xu Luosu sitting on the sofa. “Oh my…!” Fearing she had misseen, she walked behind the sofa, looking astonished. “Why are you back?” And without a word, too.

“Sister…” Xu Luosu looked up at Xu Qingyue with bloodshot eyes, and tears “swish”ed down her face. “I…”

“I…” She lowered her head, cupping her face with both hands, tears flowing so fast she couldn’t utter a word, only sobbing.

In all her years, Xu Qingyue had never seen her cry like this. She was terrified and hurried over to pull her into an embrace, coaxing her gently, “Don’t cry, don’t cry… it’s okay… tell me what happened… I’ll help you…”

But the more she coaxed, the more Xu Luosu’s emotions collapsed, and she began to wail. This crying fit immediately woke Xia Sijue inside. The two of them held her until she stopped crying before asking carefully, “What on earth happened? Did someone bully you?”

Xu Luosu shook her head, tears flying off like broken strings of pearls. Seeing this, Xu Qingyue ventured a careful guess, “Is it… did something happen to Shen Zeyu?”

Xu Luosu nodded, more tears falling, her face a mask of grief. Xu Qingyue’s heart pounded as she asked, “She didn’t… die, did she?”

Xu Luosu’s eyes snapped open as she looked at Xu Qingyue in anger, her voice choked with sobs: “Sister, you’re too much! You’re cursing her!”

Xu Qingyue was speechless. Beside her, Xia Sijue gave her a swat. She let out an “Ow,” and Xia Sijue chided her softly, “Be quiet!”

Xu Qingyue felt wronged and gestured for her to ask instead. Xia Sijue patted Xu Luosu’s head, being patient and gentle. “Then can you tell us what happened? Did you and Teacher Shen have a fight?”

Xu Qingyue thought to herself, Could a fight cause this? More likely my little sister’s confession was rejected. But she didn’t dare say it, fearing she’d be scolded.

As soon as Xia Sijue spoke, Xu Luosu began to cry again. She covered her face, tears flowing through the gaps in her fingers as she sobbed, “She… she truly…”

“She truly has it so hard… so exhausting…”

“Two years… two whole years… in that tiny white room, with only an elm tree in the window, being restrained…”

“Watching the sun move from east to west, the leaves turn from green to yellow…”

“Living all alone for two years… how did she survive it… how could those people have the heart to do that to her…”

“How could they leave her all alone…”

She knew Shen Zeyu stayed in a psychiatric hospital alone; she knew what she had experienced. But it wasn’t until yesterday, when she accompanied Shen Zeyu to the hospital, that she profoundly understood what those two years meant for her. It was a dark, sunless imprisonment. It was day after day of despair. It was a loss of dignity.

Just thinking about it made Xu Luosu’s heart ache so much she felt she might die. “Why didn’t I go find her sooner… why didn’t I get to know her earlier…” She wept until she was shaking. “She already suffered like that, she was already so afraid of that place… why did she still take risks for something so insignificant…”

It was just a script! Was it really that important? If she didn’t write it, so what! She thought she had been good enough to Shen Zeyu, but she never imagined the other woman would repay her far more than she could have guessed.

Xu Luosu completely broke down. She looked up at Xu Qingyue, her face drenched in tears. “Sister… what should I do?”

She had read so many books and watched so many movies, but the patterns she had observed weren’t enough to make her feel that “love” was something interesting. Even if it were joyful and pleasant, in Xu Luosu’s view, it was still a demon that stole a part of the soul, a malignant tumor that damaged the completeness of life.

But at this moment—at this very moment—she wished so much that someone would tell her that her feelings for Shen Zeyu could be called “love.” Because it hurt so much—it truly, truly hurt.

Xu Qingyue sighed, cupping her sister’s face and wiping away her tears. “Don’t ask me.” She was rarely serious, but as a responsible elder sister, she offered sincere advice: “You must ask your own heart.”

“Is your feeling for her because her experience was too tragic and your ‘White Knight Syndrome’ is flaring up? Or is it because, no matter what she does or what she’s been through, you want to be connected to her?”

Xu Qingyue had met Shen Zeyu a few times; she was a very pure person. Pure didn’t mean simple; such a person demanded a very high level of emotional intensity. Most people considered having many exes as proof of charm; Shen Zeyu had the looks for it, yet she was utterly disdainful of such things. She even looked down on that type of person.

Given her sister’s current level of maturity, she certainly wasn’t there yet.

Seeing her sister’s dazed eyes, Xu Qingyue rubbed her face hard and said, “If you want to walk into Shen Zeyu’s life, then you need to change your perspective.” She didn’t oppose Xu Luosu liking Shen Zeyu; in fact, she thought marriage or dating would be fine. Even if Shen Zeyu didn’t technically fit the conventional “ideal spouse” criteria, she had an incredibly pure and clean heart. Her soul and her temperament were very rare in this world. As a partner, Xu Qingyue still admired her.

More importantly, if Xu Luosu liked Shen Zeyu, the other woman might not even be willing. Who was Shen Zeyu? With her reputation in the industry, she wasn’t exactly short of suitors, yet she could remain faithful for a decade. She was both picky and thorough; she wouldn’t choose someone like her sister.

Even so, looking at her sister crying so hard, Xu Qingyue still felt she was a bit too pitiable. How tragic, to fall for Shen Zeyu. And how lucky, to fall for Shen Zeyu.

She sighed, pinched her sister’s cheeks, and couldn’t help but offer a hint toward a shortcut: “Please think seriously about what role Shen Zeyu’s life needs. And you—what kind of person can you become in her life?”

If you want to be her partner, then give it your absolute all.