Spring Night of Misty Rain - Chapter 36

In the midst of a depressive episode, Shen Zeyu was very difficult to communicate with. Perhaps because Xu Luosu’s voice was so gentle and her expression so doting, Shen Zeyu pondered for a while before finally nodding in reluctant agreement.

Xu Luosu sat up and reached out to hold her. “Come, let’s go over together.”

Shen Zeyu didn’t comply; instead, she reached around from behind to hug Xu Luosu’s waist, pressing her entire body against the girl’s back, clinging to her like a turtle shell. The body behind her was burning, and the breath spilled against her ear was scorching—it was as if a fire had been lit, making Xu Luosu feel hot as well.

Her fingertips trembled slightly. Xu Luosu placed her hands over Shen Zeyu’s, which were wrapped around her waist, and said with a shaky voice, “Shall we head over then?”

“Mm.”

Xu Luosu stood up, dragging Shen Zeyu toward her own room. The rooms were close, right next to each other. It was a short distance, yet Xu Luosu’s breathing was shallow and erratic, and cold sweat began to bead on her forehead.

Once inside, she saw her suitcase at the foot of the bed and the food laid out on the coffee table. Xu Luosu pulled Shen Zeyu down onto the sofa; the moment they sat, Shen Zeyu released her grip and collapsed onto her lap like she had no bones.

A weight hit her thighs, and fluffy hair brushed against her smooth, delicate skin, sending a wave of goosebumps across Xu Luosu’s arms. It was an indescribable sensation—Xu Luosu felt a hint of resistance, yet she didn’t entirely mind it. She raised her hand to gently stroke Shen Zeyu’s hair, looking down and whispering, “I ordered eel rice. Won’t you eat a little?”

Shen Zeyu was exhausted and didn’t really want to speak. She simply curled up in the other’s embrace and closed her eyes. Warm breath spilled onto the skin of Xu Luosu’s thighs, an intimacy that left her at a loss. She sensed something was “wrong,” but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what.

Shen Zeyu wasn’t being frivolous, nor was there any hint of a “suggestive” nature; she lay there openly and rightfully. It was Xu Luosu who, because of this strange tactile sensation, began to have messy thoughts, making her seem overly worried.

Xu Luosu forced her thoughts down, steadied herself, and leaned over to open the takeout boxes. She picked up a bowl of Boatman’s congee and took a sip herself. It was a bit cold. After a moment’s thought, she scooped a spoonful and held it to Shen Zeyu’s lips. “Senior Sister, open up… ah…”

With her eyes closed, Shen Zeyu obediently opened her mouth, and Xu Luosu took the chance to feed her a spoonful. Shen Zeyu immediately frowned, wanting to spit it out. But Xu Luosu was faster, pressing her hand against the woman’s mouth. “Don’t spit it out; you’ll get my hand dirty.”

Shen Zeyu had no choice but to swallow it reluctantly. Through half-coaxing and half-tricking, Shen Zeyu was forced to eat half a bowl of congee before she felt full and refused to eat more. Xu Luosu didn’t push her. Once Shen Zeyu was fed, she began to eat her eel rice methodically.

She chewed slowly and quietly, but the slight vibrations of her swallowing were still transmitted to Shen Zeyu. Feeling uncomfortable, Shen Zeyu opened her eyes and looked up at her fixedly. Xu Luosu looked down with a smile. “Does Senior Sister want some eel rice?”

This episode had hit hard; Shen Zeyu had even hallucinated twice, and her head was muddled. Looking at Xu Luosu now, she couldn’t distinguish between reality and a dream. She studied her for a while, then sat up, slipped her head between Xu Luosu’s arms, and crawled into her embrace, holding her firmly.

Xu Luosu froze, still holding her eel rice.

As their chests pressed together, she felt Xu Luosu’s heartbeat. Shen Zeyu wrapped one arm around her back and stroked her long, straight hair, nuzzling her cheek with an air of dependence, saying nothing.

For a long time, Xu Luosu remained silent. Her heart was pounding wildly. She instinctively set the eel rice on the table and wrapped both arms around the person in her lap. She rubbed Shen Zeyu’s black hair, using the silent gesture to comfort her.

Shen Zeyu took it a step further, straddling Xu Luosu’s lap and kneeling on the sofa, leaning down to press her forehead against the other’s. They were so close that their breaths intertwined like fish in a tank pressing their brows together. Xu Luosu’s breathing was a mess. She looked up, seeing only a pair of watery amber eyes.

“It hurts…” This person, as fragile as a dying black kitten, took Xu Luosu’s hand, wrapping it in her own palm and pressing it to her heart. “It hurts so much here.”

Only then did Xu Luosu realize how long this person’s hands were—she could wrap around Xu Luosu’s hand with ease. She looked up at the other’s red-rimmed eyes and forced herself to stay calm. “What do I need to do?”

Shen Zeyu held her hand against her heart and pounded it hard. “Press it, block it, don’t let the pain leak out…”

After speaking, she released her hand, leaving Xu Luosu’s hand alone against her chest. Xu Luosu took a deep breath, clenched her hand into a fist, and pressed it against Shen Zeyu’s heart, thumping it over and over. The physical pain seemed to alleviate the agony roiling from the depths of her soul.

Shen Zeyu rested her hands on Xu Luosu’s shoulders, slumped against her as if she had lost all strength, breathing softly. With the warm breath by her ear, Xu Luosu’s voice became choked. “Do you feel better?”

“Mm.” Shen Zeyu nodded, clinging to Xu Luosu like a withered vine that had finally found spring on a giant tree.

She was incredibly soft, yet the skin pressing against Xu Luosu’s thighs felt firm. Xu Luosu’s reason was shredded by the contact. She managed to find the focus to ask, “Why does your heart hurt? Because something was hollowed out?”

Shen Zeyu nodded. “Mm. The volcano erupted, the earth is cracking, the lava is scalding, and it’s so empty inside…”

She loved using metaphors; ordinary people might find her hard to understand. But Xu Luosu understood. She pressed her palm to the woman’s heart and looked up at her. “So you want to hug me? Because I can block the erupting volcano?”

Shen Zeyu shook her head and held the girl’s head, burying it against her chest. “No. Because… there is rain now. The lava is extinguished, but you are growing beside it. Like a tree, every root is deep in the soil…”

Halfway through her sentence, Shen Zeyu seemed to wake from a dream. She suddenly looked down at the person in her arms. “Why are you asking this?”

Xu Luosu reached out to hold Shen Zeyu’s waist, looking up at her with complete seriousness. “Because I want to know why you suffer. And I want to know… why being with me makes you feel less pain.”

If, in the beginning, she had collaborated with Shen Zeyu simply out of admiration, seeing her fall ill twice had begun to shake her. Deep in the core of her soul, what kind of feelings did she harbor for Shen Zeyu? And for her, what role would Shen Zeyu play in her life? She used to think she knew everything, but at this moment, it all became blurred and ambiguous.

Xu Luosu raised her hand, brushing back Shen Zeyu’s bangs with a tender gaze. “For you, Senior Sister, what exactly am I?”

An important friend who can soothe pain? An emotional band-aid? Or… a candidate for a real relationship?

Shen Zeyu stopped talking. She went silent, and after a while, she pushed Xu Luosu away, wanting to get off her. Xu Luosu grabbed her hand, keeping her trapped in her embrace, and patted her shoulder, coaxing her gently: “Alright, alright, I won’t ask anymore. Let me finish eating, then I’ll sleep with you, okay?”

Shen Zeyu slumped against her shoulder and nodded. Xu Luosu picked up the eel rice and continued eating. As she ate, Shen Zeyu lay in her arms, her mind replaying Xu Luosu’s words over and over.

Xu Luosu’s line of questioning reminded her too much of Lin Pei.

It was always the other person who approached first. It was they who did so much, looking innocent, and then turned around to ask what the relationship was. What relationship could there be? A relationship between senior and junior, nothing more. They had only known each other for eight months, and she had only stayed with her through two depressive episodes—what did that prove? Did it prove they could begin an emotional connection?

Could such a tiny bit of proximity really start a relationship? Could such a relationship last a lifetime? And if it wasn’t for a lifetime, what was the point of starting at all?

The more Shen Zeyu thought, the angrier she became—at Xu Luosu for approaching without self-awareness, and at herself for being so easily moved again. A sudden fire burned in her heart. She shoved Xu Luosu away and got off her. “I’m going back to sleep.”

Caught off guard, Xu Luosu hurriedly set down her food and grabbed her. “What’s wrong?” Her eyes were full of concern, appearing completely oblivious to her own offense.

Shen Zeyu felt as though she had been pricked. Now, like a bristling kitten, she was covered in thorns. “I didn’t say you had to stay with me, and I didn’t use you, nor did I insist on clinging to you to get any emotional hope!”

Her emotions were easily triggered. She thought of the mocking smile Shang Qiuchi had given her during their breakup: “Wasn’t your ten years also my ten years? Even if I’m in the wrong, at most it’s just a seven-year-itch, not cheating. I imagine you’re tired of me too, so we’re even.”

She thought of Lin Pei saying softly: “In truth, you never loved me. We both got what we wanted; it could never have been for a lifetime.”

Every single person was like this. They all started so well, but in the end, they would blame her. They interpreted the relationship through their own lens, then blamed her for being too busy or for being “sick.”

But she had never tired of Shang Qiuchi, and she had never not loved Lin Pei. When she loved someone, she was single-minded, yet it never ended well. So they were right—it was her fault; she didn’t have the right to love.

Since it always ended this way, it was better not to start at all.

Tears spilled uncontrollably from Shen Zeyu’s eyes, and her voice carried a sob. “For all these years, I’ve been alone. Even without you, I can do it alone!”

Don’t ask me what our relationship is; we can be nothing at all!

To speak this way was incredibly sharp, mean, and unreasonable. But Shen Zeyu said it while crying, so it had no deterrent effect; it only made one’s heart ache.

Xu Luosu was startled. She stood up and pulled her into a firm embrace. Shen Zeyu’s emotions had completely collapsed. She pressed her hands against the other’s chest, struggling to push her away. “Let go… let go of me…”

With her meager strength, how could she compete with Xu Luosu? Xu Luosu held her tight, pressing her into her chest, stroking her hair while apologizing repeatedly: “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Large tears from Shen Zeyu’s eyes soaked into her chest, the heat making her heart tremble. Her struggle was useless. In her exasperation, she opened her mouth and bit Xu Luosu.

“Sss…” Pain flared in Xu Luosu’s chest. She pushed Shen Zeyu back slightly, looking at her in disbelief. “You…”

“Me what?!” Shen Zeyu looked up at her, appearing ready to throw everything away. “This is how I am! Arrogant, willful, unreasonable, and selfish!” She screamed, completely losing control: “Don’t be so good to me, Xu Luosu! I’m not the person you want me to be!”

She was a mess. A total mess. Everyone who had ever had an emotional connection with her had eventually used a knife to pin her to the ground and leave her behind.

So stop caring about me, Xu Luosu. If this continues, I’ll definitely go crazy again.