Self-Perception - Chapter 49

“I loved winter when I was a child.”

Gu Wansheng looked at her eyes, a few snowflakes had fallen onto her long, curled lashes. She wasn’t sure if it was an illusion, but Wen Jinyan seemed to carry a hint of sorrow.

“Back then, the thing I wanted most, the thing I looked forward to most, was nothing more than building a snowman,” Wen Jinyan said, placing a snowball firmly to serve as the snowman’s body.

Back then, she had been confined to a single space, commanded, restricted living like a marionette.

Gu Wansheng stood beside her, watching her. Right now, Wen Jinyan was peeling back the layers of her heart, piece by piece, displaying them before her. Though her tone was normal, Gu Wansheng felt an unprovoked, dull ache in her chest.

“But now, I suppose my childhood wish has been fulfilled.” Wen Jinyan finished shaping the rough form of the snowman. Calling it a “snowman” was generous, it was really just two snowballs stacked on top of each other.

Looking at the “unfinished” snowman, Gu Wansheng’s voice carried through the air: “Since it’s a childhood wish, you should finish it properly.”

Wen Jinyan’s hand trembled slightly. She was pretending to let go of regrets, but Gu Wansheng wanted her to truly have none. Gu Wansheng was genuinely trying to piece together the shattered fragments of her past.

“It’s okay.”

It was okay; Gu Wansheng had already fulfilled the essence of her regret. Being able to make a snowman at all was enough.

Wen Jinyan placed the snowman in an inconspicuous spot. Gu Wansheng watched her stand up and asked, “Aren’t you taking it back? What if a child accidentally knocks it over?”

Wen Jinyan simply shook her head slightly, her expression calm. “No.”

The snowman sat quietly in its hidden corner, untouched by the streetlights. Wen Jinyan withdrew her gaze. “This is the place where they can last the longest and stay safe. This is the best way for them to live.”

“Let’s go.”

The two returned home. Gu Wansheng told Wen Jinyan to shower first to ward off the cold. Wen Jinyan looked up and noticed the damp patches on Gu Wansheng’s shoulders where the snow had melted.

“We can shower together,” Wen Jinyan said, lowering her eyelashes. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “It’s not like we haven’t done it before.”

“I just remembered we’re almost out of soy sauce. I need to run to the supermarket. If I shower now, I’ll just have to shower again when I get back.”

“Can’t you go tomorrow?”

“The supermarket isn’t far. My clothes are already damp anyway. I might as well ‘strike while the iron is hot’ and go now.”

Wen Jinyan gave her a mock-reproachful look. “Is that how you use that idiom?”

Seeing she couldn’t win the argument, she grabbed the umbrella from the entryway. “Then I’ll go with you.”

“No need, Yanyan. I’ll be quick.”

“Go shower. I’ll be back by the time you’re done.”

Ultimately, Wen Jinyan couldn’t sway her.

Gu Wansheng was a woman of her word. When Wen Jinyan emerged from the shower, she saw Gu Wansheng coming out of the kitchen, holding a glass mug with steam curling from the rim.

“Here, drink some water.” Gu Wansheng handed it over. Wen Jinyan looked at her hands, her usually slender, fair fingers were now flushed red. When she took the mug, her hand brushed Gu Wansheng’s knuckles, they were as cold as ice.

The dark clothes on her body were even damper than when they had first come home. Her hair was wet, too.

“Go shower, quickly!” Wen Jinyan’s reflexes moved faster than her brain. She took the mug and pushed Gu Wansheng toward the bathroom.

She glanced at the umbrella resting on the entryway floor. She picked it up by the handle, opened it, and stared at the fabric for a few seconds, touching it with her hand.

It was dry.

Wen Jinyan was confused.

Did Gu Wansheng not use the umbrella?

There were still some water stains on the entryway floor. The trail of footprints led from the kitchen to the dining table.

Wen Jinyan called for the robot vacuum to clean up the marks.

Gu Wansheng was never an impulsive person, no matter how much of a hurry she was in, she always changed her shoes upon entering. Why had she been so rushed just now?

Gu Wansheng emerged from the bathroom with her hair blown dry, wearing cotton pajamas. As she passed the dining table, she saw Wen Jinyan still standing there like a statue. She walked over and whispered with a smile, “Mr. Statue, don’t move?”

Wen Jinyan’s shoulders jumped slightly. She snapped out of it and reacted. “You’re finished?”

“Mhm. Come on, let’s go to the bedroom. It’s warmer in there.” Gu Wansheng took her hand.

Gu Wansheng’s hand was no longer cold and damp; her palm felt warm as it wrapped around Wen Jinyan’s.

After closing the bedroom door, Wen Jinyan spoke up. “Is it snowing hard outside?”

Gu Wansheng pulled back a corner of the quilt and lay down. “Not too hard, but it hasn’t stopped. I bet we can have a snowball fight tomorrow morning.”

Wen Jinyan suppressed the questions in her heart and didn’t mention them, simply lying in bed and holding Gu Wansheng.

The two spent a dreamless night.

The next morning, Wen Jinyan was surprised to find Gu Wansheng still in bed. At this hour, Gu Wansheng should have already been up.

Half of Gu Wansheng’s face was buried in the quilt, her breathing heavy. When Wen Jinyan pulled the quilt down to her neck, she realized the face beneath was flushed with a burning heat. Wen Jinyan’s hand flew to her forehead, it was alarmingly hot.

“Gu Wansheng, Gu Wansheng,” Wen Jinyan shook the quilt.

It must have been the cold from last night, coupled with getting soaked by the snow again.

Gu Wansheng opened her eyes a crack. She tried to speak, but her throat caught, and she coughed. Her head was dizzy and heavy, she felt incredibly sleepy.

“Yanyan?” her voice was raspy, as if blades were scraping her throat.

“You have a fever,” Wen Jinyan said hurriedly, getting out of bed. “We’re going to the hospital.”

Gu Wansheng had no strength in her body. Her voice was weak. “No hospital.”

“You have a fever, how can we not go?” Anxious, Wen Jinyan began rummaging through the wardrobe for Gu Wansheng’s clothes.

“No hospital, Yanyan. We have fever reducers at home,” Gu Wansheng said softly but firmly.

With her fevered, burning cheeks and physiological tears brimming in her eyes, she looked like a pitiful little deer gazing at Wen Jinyan.

“Fine. But if the fever doesn’t go down, we have to go.” Seeing Gu Wansheng nod, Wen Jinyan rushed to get warm water, medicine, and a thermometer. While waiting to check the temperature, she hurried to cook a bowl of light porridge.

38.5°C. Wen Jinyan checked the thermometer.

Not too bad, she thought.

While the porridge simmered, Wen Jinyan brought two towels to place on Gu Wansheng’s forehead for physical cooling.

After eating the porridge and taking the medicine, the effects kicked in, and Gu Wansheng fell back asleep. Every half hour, Wen Jinyan checked her temperature until it dropped to 37.5°C. Only then did she finally relax.

She had only cooked enough porridge for Gu Wansheng. After hours of high-strung nerves, hunger finally caught up with Wen Jinyan.

She remembered there were dumplings Gu Wansheng had made in the freezer. But when she opened the freezer door, she saw a glass bowl tucked in the corner. Curiously, she pulled it out.

The bowl was covered with a lid. Wen Jinyan took one look, and her pupils dilated.

Inside were two snowballs. They were stacked together, and the top snowball had a curved line on it, like a smile. It looked just like the snowman she had built last night, yet different.

Because this snowman had two small twigs on its sides for arms.

For a moment, Wen Jinyan’s vision blurred. She blinked. Her hands trembled, she exerted self-control to grip the edge of the glass bowl tightly, her palms freezing, yet she didn’t let go.

So that was why Gu Wansheng had gone out with an umbrella but came back with wetter shoulders. That was why the umbrella was dry but cold. That was why a person as organized as Gu Wansheng had tossed the umbrella carelessly on the floor. That was why there were footprints from the kitchen to the table.

Wen Jinyan’s heart ached. Seeing the condensation beginning to form on the glass, she quickly put the bowl back.

Her palms had turned red from the cold in just those few moments. A realization flashed through Wen Jinyan’s mind, piecing together the broken mirror of the previous night.

That was why Gu Wansheng’s hands had been so red.

She could see it in her mind. Gu Wansheng rushing downstairs to where the snowman was, sighing in relief to find it still there. Having left in a hurry without a container, she used the simplest method. The snow in Jiangcheng was an inch thick, the moment her hands buried into the snow, her whole body must have shivered. She must have gritted her teeth and run back at top speed. Watching the elevator numbers climb one by one, her eyes never leaving her hands.

The snow slowly melting into water, leaking through her fingers, trailing from the door to the kitchen.

The moment she put that snowman in the freezer, was she suddenly grateful that the elevator wasn’t very warm?

Wen Jinyan abruptly closed the freezer and went to the second floor bedroom. She walked quickly at first, but as she reached the door, she lightened her steps.

Gu Wansheng was still sleeping, facing the door, her hair lying neatly behind her. She looked peaceful and sweet.

Wen Jinyan walked over slowly. She saw Gu Wansheng’s hand resting outside the covers; she wanted to take it but pulled back.

Her hand had just touched the glass bowl, her palm was still icy.

Wen Jinyan placed both her hands on the back of her own neck, the icy touch making her skin jump.

When Gu Wansheng was cupping that snowman, it must have been so much colder than this.

Once her palms warmed up, Wen Jinyan breathed hot air into them. Only when she felt they weren’t cold anymore did she tuck Gu Wansheng’s hand back under the quilt.

Looking at Gu Wansheng’s sleeping face, Wen Jinyan sat on the rug by the bedside, her head resting against the bed, her mind filled with thoughts of her.

When she woke up, she found herself on the bed. Gu Wansheng was beside her, watching her.

Wen Jinyan tried to sit up, but Gu Wansheng noticed and pulled her back down.

“Stay with me a little longer,” Gu Wansheng said softly, her voice no longer raspy.

“Wasn’t I…” Wen Jinyan was confused.

Wasn’t I sitting on the rug? Did I sleepwalk onto the bed? I don’t think I have a history of sleepwalking.

“Why didn’t you sleep in the bed? What if you caught a cold?” Gu Wansheng knew exactly what she was thinking with just one look.

“You carried me to bed?”

“Is there a third person here?” Gu Wansheng winked.

Seeing that she was well enough to joke, Wen Jinyan’s heart finally settled.

“Are you thirsty? Do you want some water to soothe your throat?”

Her tone was filled with obvious care.

Gu Wansheng’s heart felt warm. Under the covers, she squeezed Wen Jinyan’s hand. “I’m not thirsty. Just stay with me a while longer.”

“Gu Wansheng.”

“Mhm?”

“Is the snowman in the freezer… the one from last night?”