Secretly Liking Him - Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Gu Xun had too many words he wanted to say to Shen Yanzhi, but what ultimately came out of his mouth was still only this sentence of “sorry.”

He didn’t know exactly when Shen Yanzhi found out about the matter of him liking him, but thinking about it, he understood it certainly wasn’t today.

Thinking about all the kindness Shen Yanzhi had shown him over these days, Gu Xun’s heart twisted into a messy patch.

When he purposely acted close to A-Yan, what was A-Yan thinking in his heart?

Gu Xun’s hand that was gripping Shen Yanzhi’s hand couldn’t help but shrink back a little bit.

He truly just, just liked A-Yan, ah. Being able to stay together with him made him very happy, and he didn’t purposely want to take advantage of A-Yan…

Gu Xun had a feeling of being unable to clear himself despite having a hundred mouths; he didn’t know whether Shen Yanzhi would believe his explanation in the end.

Then, Shen Yanzhi felt that Gu Xun’s hand gripping his own hand gradually loosened its force, trembling, looking as if it were about to shrink back.

Shen Yanzhi lightly breathed in, feeling as if something in his heart had cracked open a fissure—the painful feeling was that distinct.

In the end, Gu Xun’s hand let go. In the darkness, there seemed to still remain the lingering echo of his sentence of “sorry” from just now.

Shen Yanzhi listened to his breathing sound; that sound was being suppressed by Gu Xun with all his might, but sadness cannot be suppressed—it only accumulated more and more as time passed.

Shen Yanzhi slowly exhaled the bitter air from his chest cavity, reached out his hand, and drew Gu Xun into his embrace.

His entire person was boiling hot; Shen Yanzhi almost had an illusion of being scalded.

Scorching liquid fell on his shoulder; Gu Xun seemed to want to hide, but Shen Yanzhi encircled him with his arm.

Shen Yanzhi said, “A-Xun, don’t apologize. Liking a person is not wrong.”

His voice was gentle and firm, as if possessing a kind of strength that could soothe everything.

Gu Xun, however, couldn’t help but feel even sadder. A-Yan was so good, why couldn’t he just like him as a brother, why did it have to be that kind of liking!

Gu Xun finally cried out loud after all. His hand moved, and in the end, he only grabbed the corner of Shen Yanzhi’s clothes, but his face couldn’t help but bury itself in his shoulder.

The crying sound was not earth-shattering, yet inside the dark bedroom it still revealed a kind of suppression.

Being cried at by him, Shen Yanzhi’s eye sockets actually felt a bit hot as well. He couldn’t speak clearly about his feelings in his heart at this moment; he just… just wanted Gu Xun to not be that uncomfortable.

In the end… what on earth must be done for it to be okay?

Shen Yanzhi tightened the force of his hand, holding Gu Xun a bit tighter, as if in this way he could share and take away the sadness from his body.

When Shen Yanzhi opened his mouth again, his speaking voice also lacked the stability of just now. He said, “A-Xun, it’s not that I dislike you. I just… I just don’t want you to be more uncomfortable in the future.”

Although it was still different, Shen Yanzhi knew too clearly that kind of mood—hoping to obtain a person’s liking, and in the end being disappointed.

He didn’t want to make Gu Xun face this kind of thing too. Gu Xun shouldn’t be like this; he should go like a person who also likes him.

Only in this way would the affection paid out not fall through, would not… would not face that kind of massive sadness and disappointment.

Shen Yanzhi had once thought about carefully pretending to know nothing at all.

But just now, he suddenly realized that this might be a very terrible idea.

To Gu Xun, a portion of affection perhaps meant eternity, meant growing old together.

That was why he was so resistant, so unable to accept the divorce of the blissfully happy couple in his impression.

Shen Yanzhi was a bit afraid—afraid that if one day he liked someone else, then what was Gu Xun, who had been silently liking him all along, going to do?

And he himself was actually far from being that good.

Shen Yanzhi felt himself to be just like a liar, having tricked his way into Gu Xun’s liking, yet unable to respond to him properly.

Pretending to be unaware might be very good for a long period of time, but what about Gu Xun, who was silently paying out his affection…

What about him…

Shen Yanzhi felt his throat choke up for a moment, and said softly, “A-Xun, you should like a better person, you should live very happily. I am not that good, I… I am very afraid you will be sad in the future.”

Gu Xun tightly grabbed the corner of his clothes, his fingernails looking as if they were about to pierce through the clothes into his palm, but this bit of pain completely couldn’t compare to the feeling in his heart.

In the world there might still be many people better and more excellent than Shen Yanzhi, but he had already met Shen Yanzhi, ah.

He could no longer see other people’s goodness; in his eyes, he could only see him.

So how to go like a better one? How to be happy under the circumstances of not having him?

How he wished everything today were just a nightmare, and after waking up from sleep, everything would still be the way it used to be.

Clearly during the day, they had only just taken first place together. That award certificate with their names written on it, he hadn’t even had time to carefully put it away.

Why did it become like it was now?

Gu Xun had never known that a person’s tears could be this many.

If the liking for a person could also flow away along with the tears, that would be good.

If it could be like that, it would be good.

Gu Xun cried until his lips were trembling. He wanted to say something, but his brain simply couldn’t organize a single complete sentence, and in the end, he could only cry out: “A-Yan…”

That voice didn’t even sound like his own anymore—hoarse to the point of losing reality, looking as if it sounded from a very far place.

Gu Xun heard himself say, “I will, I will work hard… work hard to like you like a brother, just like liking Xiao Song, liking Juntao…”

“Give me a little time.”

Perhaps he just still needed a little time.

The force of Shen Yanzhi’s hand tightened even more. He had many words he wanted to say to Gu Xun, but what ultimately came out of his mouth was a sentence of: “Sorry.”

Gu Xun shook his head, his sweat-dampened hair rubbing against Shen Yanzhi’s chin. He didn’t speak, but the meaning expressed was very obvious.

No need for sorry.

Gu Xun thought, liking a person is not wrong, so relatively, not liking a person is also not wrong.

It was just, not liking, that’s all.

Neither of them was wrong.

It was just very simple—one liked, one didn’t.

Gu Xun slowly let go of the corner of the clothes in his hand, his fingers having become a bit stiff because of having used too much force just now.

Gu Xun carefully and softly said, “A-Yan, don’t dislike [hate] me.”

Not liking is okay, as long as you don’t dislike me, then it’s fine.

Shen Yanzhi: “I won’t dislike you.”

Such a good Gu Xun, how could he dislike him.

This night, Gu Xun felt that even if he hadn’t finished crying a lifetime’s worth of tears, he must have overdrawn the tears for the next several decades.

How he fell asleep, he also didn’t know; he only knew that the next day his eyes were swollen to the point of being unable to open, and his throat was also severely dry.

Gu Xun fuzzily heard Shen Lan say, “How did he suddenly burn [run a fever] into this state!”

Shen Yanzhi seemed to be answering something; Gu Xun tried hard to prick up his ears wanting to listen, but no matter what, he couldn’t hear clearly.

Then it seemed he arrived at the hospital; the smell of disinfectant water was so heavy.

When Gu Xun woke up again, what he saw was the stark white ceiling of the hospital ward.

Seeing him awake, Shen Lan truly wanted to cry and wanted to laugh at the same time, and hurriedly made him drink water and measured his body temperature again.

Gu Xun executed all of his mom’s orders, his gaze turning a circle around the hospital ward.

There was no Shen Yanzhi.

Gu Xun’s mouth moved, wanting to ask where Shen Yanzhi was, but after it reached his lips, he held it back again.

He had already promised A-Yan that he would like him like a brother.

Shen Lan, however, chattered to him: “Little Shen took care of you for a whole night before going to school. You must also treat people well in the future, do you know?”

Gu Xun nodded his head, his heart being a patch of both joy and sadness.

The person he liked, ah, was so good, so gentle; the only pity was that he just happened to not like him.

Gu Xun didn’t know how much time it would take to be able to no longer go like such a person.

A lifetime—this unit of measurement—seemed to be truly too long, too long for the current him.

But he still felt that it must take a very, very long time for it to be okay.

Because he truly liked Shen Yanzhi so much—liked him so much, so much.

Liked him to the point that just thinking about not liking him made his heart feel painful.

Gu Xun took a deep breath, feeling that his throat pained so much. Clearly last night he had barely spoken any words, why did it hurt that much?

Could it be that his mood was bad, so his resistance power had also gone on strike?

Gu Xun thought boundaries-lessly, his sight falling on the hanging bottle; the intravenous drip inside didn’t have much left.

Following his gaze, Shen Lan also saw it, so she hurriedly called the nurse over to change the hanging bottle.

Gu Xun fuzzily fell asleep again.

He stayed in the hospital for two days. When going back, Shen Yanzhi was not at home; Gu Xun held back and didn’t ask.

He knew that Shen Yanzhi had moved back to live. Although the things at home hadn’t been moved much, he just knew.

Regarding everything of Shen Yanzhi, he remembered very clearly.

Those commonly used things that Shen Yanzhi had brought over from the side of the small foreign-style building were now no longer there.

Gu Xun sat in front of the writing desk, and flipped open that diary book of his which was thick to the point of dying.

Those two ice cream coupons were still sandwiched inside. Gu Xun looked at them, and thought of his mood that day.

Then slowly, the sweetness of that day was just like being burnt to a crisp, bit by bit becoming bitter.

Gu Xun’s fingers slowly fumbled on top of them, and suddenly discovered that the date printed on top seemed to have become a bit lighter, instantly becoming a bit panicked.

He looked carefully, and after discovering that it truly had become lighter, at that instant he truly wished with all his might he could cry out.

Why, ah!

Why did even the ice cream coupons have to go against him, ah!

Gu Xun felt terribly uncomfortable, and then he saw that name he had secretly written down at the very beginning of the diary.

His entire person became even more uncomfortable.

To not like a person is truly… so hard, ah…

Gu Xun took out a pen, and lightly flipped the diary book to a blank page that hadn’t been written on yet. He paused for a long time before writing: 【I also want to not like you, ah, but it’s too late.】

Gu Xun threw out the pen in his hand, feeling that he couldn’t even completely abandon basketball and games, so how could he abandon a person he liked?

He thought it over and over again, and probably could only pretend to not like him.

Gu Xun gave a thumbs up to himself—as long as the acting skills are good, there is nothing that cannot be deceived!

Then he locked the diary book up properly again and put it away well, turning his head preparing to sleep.

When standing in front of the bed, Gu Xun looked at the empty bottom bunk, losing himself in thought for a very long time, and finally silently climbed to the top bunk.

Just let that place be empty.

After Gu Xun went to school again, everyone discovered that after Gu Xun had a heavy cold once, he had become a whole lot more silent.

Gu Xun smiled without speaking and pointed to his own throat, and Wang Xiaosong supplemented for him: “It’s hoarse. Wait until he is well, there will be plenty for you guys to suffer.”

Gu Xun gave a thumbs up to Wang Xiaosong, indicating that it was exactly like this, the explanation was very correct.

But only he himself knew that the reason for the silence was that he discovered, turned out, from some unknown time.

Whether he was speaking or doing things, almost all of it unfolded revolving around Shen Yanzhi.

Opening and closing his mouth it was always A-Yan. Going to school he walked together with A-Yan; having class he sat together with A-Yan; after school, playing ball, sleeping—all were together.

Clearly fully calculated it was only about two months of time, why did this person look as if he had infiltrated the whole of his life, to the point that even inside his pores there seemed to be his existence.

Gu Xun currently still couldn’t change the habit of opening his mouth wanting to talk about Shen Yanzhi, so he could only force himself to shut up.

Speaking of which, Gu Xun also didn’t know whether shutting up was harder, or not speaking of Shen Yanzhi was harder; this was simply a world-class hard problem.

Actually, their current getting along was also okay, it was just that they didn’t live together anymore. Going to school and after school they still walked together, and lunch was still eaten together, it’s just…

Gu Xun didn’t dare look toward his side; he flipped open an exercise booklet and began to do the example problems on top.

He thought, it was just that they couldn’t go back, that’s all.

Gu Xun slowly read the problems, but in his brain he couldn’t help but think: what “after a couple breaks up they can still be friends”—this kind of thing is simply nonsense. He and A-Yan weren’t even a couple yet, it was merely poked through, and he was already embarrassed to death.

If it were two people who had loved each other, how on earth could they get along like friends?

Anyway, no matter how Gu Xun thought, he couldn’t imagine it.

He was doing the problems absentmindedly, and outside the classroom, for some reason, it became noisy and bustling.

“Hey hey hey! The rankings are out!”

Instantly, quite a few people welled outwards, all squeezing to the entrance of the teacher’s office.

Gu Xun didn’t budge. It wasn’t that he wasn’t curious; he was just afraid that if he appeared too eager, something would be seen through by Shen Yanzhi beside him.

Shen Yanzhi turned his head to look at Gu Xun whose eyes were still straightly staring at the exercise booklet, and asked softly, “Not going to take a look?”

Gu Xun swallowed a mouthful of saliva, pretending to be quite unconcerned and said, “There are many people. My body is delicate and weak right now, I won’t squeeze together with them.”

As a result, just after he finished saying this, instantly someone came over to report good news.

When Wang Xiaosong ran over he was extremely excited, his little fat face blushing red: “Gu Xun! Gu Xun! You are ranked 88!”

Gu Xun’s first reaction was: this ranking is truly auspicious. Then he almost couldn’t hold back turning his head toward Shen Yanzhi to beg for praise.

Actually his neck had already twisted over; twisting halfway did he remember it wasn’t right, and rigidly jammed it back.

Gu Xun clearly heard his own neck emit a sound.

Gu Xun: “…”

Would he be the first person in history to twist his own neck off? Is there a similar record?

Gu Xun forcefully endured before not reaching out his hand to rub his neck, but instead began to smile embarrassedly: “Ah hahaha, is that so… eighty-eight, turning back I’ll tell my mom, I am definitely going to make a fortune!”

Then he stood up his body, and said a bit panic-strandedly, “Go go go, I’ll also go take a look!”

From beginning to end, he didn’t dare turn his head to take one glance at Shen Yanzhi.

Because he was afraid that after looking, he wouldn’t be able to hide it.

After with great difficulty squeezing to the front of the list, Gu Xun’s gaze stayed at the position of the first place for a very, very long time.

Oh my goodness, his sweetheart, yo…

Gu Xun uncontrollably grinned his mouth. The people beside him all took it as him being happy about his rank, and one after another expressed congratulations.

While being polite with people, Gu Xun looked down along the name list, and finally at the position of 88 saw himself—compared to last time, he had progressed by 10 places.

Although the scope was not very large, he was still very happy.

Because he was a little bit closer to that name again.

Gu Xun was just being happy, when Min Yibo walked out from the office. After seeing him, his face was instantly full of smiles: “Gu Xun, ah!”

Gu Xun recovered his mind, and also grinned at Min Yibo: “Teacher Min!”

The more Min Yibo looked at Gu Xun now, the more he liked him. Who doesn’t like a kid who is willing to study and make progress!

Min Yibo patted Gu Xun’s shoulder: “Very good, every time there is progress, must continue to maintain it.”

Although Gu Xun was thick-skinned, being praised by a teacher like this in front of many classmates was truly a big young lady riding a marriage sedan chair for the first time [a brand new experience], instantly making him a bit hot with bashfulness.

Seeing him rarely embarrassed, Min Yibo let out a laugh and said, “Alright, help me call Shen Yanzhi to come over.”

Gu Xun: “…”

The Great King [Teacher Min] is just these few steps of road! Can’t you walk it yourself! Don’t look at how thin you are now! According to this momentum of yours, getting fat is simply a matter of minutes, okay!

Gu Xun complained crazily in his heart, but on his face he still accepted it: “…Okay.”

Turning his body around, Gu Xun was brewing his expression, repeatedly pondering how to speak with Shen Yanzhi more naturally.

By the time he arrived at the seat, Gu Xun felt that he simply wished he could make a grimace; it was truly so hard, ah!

Gu Xun also smiled embarrassedly toward Shen Yanzhi: “About that, A-Yan, the Great King called you to go over for a trip.”

Shen Yanzhi turned his head to look at him, gazing for a brief moment, before saying, “Okay.”

Gu Xun was looked at by him to the point of almost raising his fur [bristling]. After hearing him say okay, he finally smoothed his fur back down again.

The days passed like this day by day. This day on the weekend, their gang of boys again made an appointment to come out together to play ball, and incidentally go together to eat barbecue.

That self-service barbecue opened by his dad’s colleague was currently firing hot to no end in the town. This gang of half-grown boys was exactly at the age when they could eat; eating a buffet was simply not too cost-effective.

Gu Xun felt that he himself had also progressed a lot during this period of time; that is, even while being embarrassed, he could calmly face getting along with Shen Yanzhi during the… embarrassment…

Gu Xun conversely didn’t have any shadow [trauma] regarding this barbecue restaurant; no matter what happened after finishing eating that day, anyway, delicious food is innocent, ah!

Of course, if Shen Yanzhi didn’t sit across from him, his dining experience might be a bit better…

Gu Xun lowered his head and ate fiercely; anyway, his gaze just didn’t dare go to the opposite side. Suddenly he felt the chair beside him being pulled open.

Gu Xun twisted his face, and almost scared the meat in his mouth out.

Heavens, ah! What ghost!

The one sitting by his side, on the ear facing his side, wore at least eight or nine ear studs, and his hair was a kind of indescribable green!

That buddy was dangling a cigarette, turned his head to look at Gu Xun, and pulled out a smile at him: “Hi!”

Gu Xun: “…Holy crap!”

It wasn’t that he wanted to say dirty words, it was that he truly couldn’t control it, ah!

Seeing his expression looked as if he had seen a ghost, Chen Feifan asked, “Scared?”

Gu Xun nodded his head foolishly, and then erupted into rage, snatched the cigarette out of his mouth with one grab and threw it on the ground, leaped up and fiercely stomped on it a few times, and then pointed at Chen Feifan and scolded: “Chen Feifan! You have a disease, right! Making yourself into this state! Still learning from people to smoke! I’ll smoke [beat] you to death, believe it or not!”

Chen Feifan blanked for a moment, and then laughed wildly: “Haha nnnnn, Gu Xun! You are fucking fun!”

Gu Xun was exploded with anger, wishing he could pull his hair out entirely!

Seeing him shaking straight from anger, the smile on Chen Feifan’s face could no longer hang either; he reached out his hand and scratched his head: “Don’t be angry, how big of a deal is it, ah…”

Then he twisted his face and nudged his chin toward Shen Yanzhi: “Who is this, ah, not introducing him to me?”

Those present he basically all knew, only this one on the opposite side he hadn’t seen.

Gu Xun instantly jammed for a moment, and only then introduced the two of them: “A-Yan, this is Chen Feifan, my childhood friend.”

Chen Feifan was exactly the child of that model couple who divorced earlier. Before, their whole family had moved to the city; because of this, Chen Feifan didn’t even take the high school entrance examination in the town.

Looking at his appearance at this moment, it was possible he was going to move back again.

Seeing him introduce himself to Shen Yanzhi first, Chen Feifan instantly curled his lips in dissatisfaction.

Shen Yanzhi without changing his expression nodded his head to him: “Hello, I am Shen Yanzhi.”

Chen Feifan curled his lips again.

Gu Xun truly couldn’t endure it anymore, and with a pa slapped a palm onto the back of his head: “What attitude! Say hello to people!”

Chen Feifan bared his teeth and smirked as he lifted his head, and untowardly said to Shen Yanzhi, “You are also good, ah!”

Seeing that he after all could still listen to human words, Gu Xun also pressed his temper down a bit. When sitting back, although he was still huffing with anger, that kind of urge to slap Chen Feifan into the center of the earth was already gone.

But Gu Xun still couldn’t accept Chen Feifan’s getup: “What kind of appearance is this of yours! Still green hair! Do you regard yourself as a green-haired turtle!”

Chen Feifan was extremely magnanimous: “I am satirizing my dad, who let him green [cuckold] my mom.”

Gu Xun thought in his heart, this barbecue restaurant probably has a problem with its feng shui, or else it clashes with his horoscope. How come he only came twice in total, and both times fucking shocked his view on life and view on the world?

Gu Xun spoke with stammers: “Ah? Your… your dad…”

Chen Feifan took chopsticks and snatched meat from his plate to eat: “Ah, don’t you be embarrassed, ah; he doesn’t want face, and you are still embarrassed to talk about it?”

Gu Xun: “…”

He wasn’t embarrassed, he just felt very disillusioned.

The other buddies who were stunned by Chen Feifan’s new styling also recovered their minds one after another, and Wang Xiaosong sincerely asked, “Your dad didn’t whip [beat] you?”

Chen Feifan then let out a cold laugh: “I am young and strong, he is kidney-deficient and physically weak; if he dares to raise a hand against me, who whips whom is not certain yet.”

Gu Xun then changed a direction: “Then your mom didn’t whip you?”

Chen Feifan this time didn’t laugh coldly; his expression had a flash of loss for an instant, and only then did he say, “She is busy being broken-hearted, temporarily has no time.”

Gu Xun patted his back, and said sincerely, “No matter, wait until I am full and then I’ll whip you, ah.”

Chen Feifan: “…Are you serious?”

Gu Xun gave him a wicked smile: “Do I look like I am joking?”

Gu Xun was not joking one bit. Finishing eating, he wiped his mouth, and hauled Chen Feifan into the alley on the side for a bout of whipping: “I let you dye your hair! I let you pierce your ears! Still smoking! Do you want to die, ah!”

While dodging, Chen Feifan begged for mercy: “Brother! I was wrong! I will never dare again!”

Shen Yanzhi’s brows were furrowing, and he asked Wang Xiaosong: “…You guys all don’t care?”

Wang Xiaosong was currently watching the play happily, short only of holding melon seeds to crack. Hearing him ask this, he then said, “No matter, Feifan and Gu Xun are good [close] with each other. The two of them when little even drank milk together. Put your heart at ease, Gu Xun definitely won’t whip him to death.”

After hearing it, Shen Yanzhi nodded his head, his gaze falling anew on Gu Xun who was chasing Chen Feifan leaping up and hopping down.