Secret Lover Who Stealthily Fell in Love with My Older Sister - Chapter 29

Chapter 29: The Weight of Memory

The car was too warm and quiet. The female driver’s car had an incense that smelled pleasant and comforting. Perhaps the lingering effects of the alcohol began to surface after she calmed down. Shen Ya’s head felt heavy. She leaned against the seat, closing her eyes. The smooth drive made her feel as if she had returned to infancy. Unconsciously, Shen Ya drifted off to sleep.

…

It was spring. Outside the old apartment building were many old, long-established trees, home to many small lives. After the spring thunder, the sounds of insects and birds grew louder each day.

The earth had just recovered from winter. It should have been a warm season, but Shen Ya was hiding under an old square wooden table, covering her mouth and watching the mess on the floor.

Since she could remember, scenes like this often played out at home. Shen Qiuyu’s partner loved to drink, frequently returning home drunk, and then using the alcohol to pick faults and argue with Shen Qiuyu.

Anything within reach would be hurled at Shen Qiuyu. Although Shen Qiuyu would occasionally fight back, more often than not, she was the one who got hurt. Only when the sound of snoring drowned out the chirping outside the window did Shen Ya quietly crawl out from under the table.

She looked up and saw the red slap mark on her mother’s face. But before she could say anything, her mother’s eyes swept over her with resentment and anger: “Hurry up and get the broom to clean this up! All you do is stand there and watch!”

Five-year-old Shen Ya was thin and frail. Though she hadn’t matured yet, she naturally wore a cold expression and wasn’t endearing; she didn’t look as cute as children her age.

The apartment was small. Even with daily cleaning, it still looked dirty and messy. Shen Ya found the broom on the balcony. The broom was taller than she was, so she had to grab the lower part and drag it back to the living room.

The person lying on the sofa was asleep, one foot curled up on the sofa, the other dangling to the floor, looking completely relaxed. Below the sofa, however, lay shattered porcelain bowls and glass wine bottles.

Shen Ya struggled to use the broom. She could only slowly and carefully sweep the broken pieces into a pile. When Shen Qiuyu returned after washing her hands and saw Shen Ya’s movements, the anger she had suppressed found an outlet. She sternly snatched the broom from Shen Ya’s hands: “You can’t even do something simple right! What good are you for anything else!”

Shen Qiuyu had married and had children early, but she looked much older than her peers now. She hadn’t worked outside since marriage, relying entirely on her partner to support the family. Therefore, even though she resented him and suffered great injustice, she didn’t dare genuinely vent her anger at her partner. But Shen Ya was different. She was her child. Feudal thinking led her to believe she had the right to discipline and dispose of her own child.

Shen Qiuyu pushed Shen Ya aside, glaring and harshly warning her to keep her voice down and not wake the person on the sofa. The images of her two elders arguing were still fresh in Shen Ya’s mind, making her fearful. She obediently found her few existing books and sat down at the dining table.

The books were old and worn, covered in other people’s notes. These were books discarded by a neighbor’s child after graduation. Shen Qiuyu hadn’t initially wanted them, but seeing they were primary school textbooks, she figured they could save money on book fees when Shen Ya started school, so she brought them all home.

Thanks to national regulations, Shen Ya had to attend kindergarten before primary school. She went to the cheapest public kindergarten near their home, where all the children were from neighborhood families with similar backgrounds. Teachers only taught basic knowledge. Shen Ya was studious; reading was the only activity that allowed her to relax.

She relied on the knowledge she learned in kindergarten to piece together and understand the content of first-grade textbooks. It took her a long, long time to recognize all the characters on each page.

Shen Ya kept an eye on her mother while reading. Seeing that she had cleaned up the mess in the living room and returned to the kitchen to cook, Shen Ya climbed down from the chair and tiptoed to the kitchen.

As she got closer, she noticed several faint shoe prints on her mother’s clothes. New bruises covered her already bruised wrist. Shen Ya remembered the new knowledge the kindergarten teacher taught her a few days ago: she knew everything that man did was domestic violence.

For the first time, Shen Ya mustered the courage to pull on her mother’s sleeve. A tenacious expression of defense appeared on her tender face. She said: “Mom, the teacher said this is domestic violence. Domestic violence is wrong. We should call the police and arrest him.”

A sharp slap rang out. Little Shen Ya fell to the floor, the stinging pain on her cheek immediately reddening her eyes. Large tears fell one by one. She covered her face, looking at her mother in terror. She didn’t understand why her mother suddenly hit her.

Shen Qiuyu erupted in fury. She pointed the kitchen knife she held at Shen Ya and launched into a tirade: “You ungrateful wretch! You want to call the police on your father? Could you have lived this long without your father? Who will support this family if he’s arrested? What domestic violence? If you spout nonsense again, I’ll beat you to death!”

But this clearly is domestic violence! Why won’t Mom admit it?

Shen Qiuyu was still enraged. Perhaps because a sudden punching bag had presented itself, she put down the knife, grabbed Shen Ya from the floor with a hand still sticky with raw meat, pinned her against the counter, and slapped her repeatedly.

Shen Ya cried loudly in pain. Shen Qiuyu continued to yell, calling her disobedient, an ungrateful wretch who couldn’t be domesticated, and blamed all her own suffering on Shen Ya, believing all the hardships of the past years were because Shen Ya was a girl.

Fearing Shen Ya would speak out later, Shen Qiuyu locked her in the room after the beating, forbidding her from coming out to eat that day. Before shutting the door, Shen Qiuyu warned her to reflect on herself, to apologize, to admit she was wrong, and to learn to bow her head.

Shen Ya huddled in the corner of the room, hugging her legs and still weeping. Even though the sun was bright outside, it did not reach her corner. Daylight was eventually replaced by night, and her room was never opened again.

Exhausted from crying, Shen Ya fell asleep against the wall.

…

In the middle of the night, she was startled awake by noise downstairs. Her limbs were numb, and her body still ached. It took a long time to slowly get up from the floor. She tiptoed to the bedroom door, first listening carefully to the sounds outside, then peering through the crack. Only after confirming there were no unnecessary noises did she pull down the handle and push the door open.

The living room was pitch black. The person who had been lying on the sofa was gone. Shen Ya, barefoot, sneaked into the kitchen and opened the old single-door refrigerator. Inside, there was indeed leftover food.

She quietly brought a small stool, stood on it, took out the freezing cold dish, and used her fingers to pinch the cold food into her mouth. But she was afraid of being discovered, so she dared not eat much.

Once her hunger was sated, she closed the refrigerator, licked her fingers clean, washed her hands, and returned the stool. Since the adults were asleep at this hour, she could move around outside for a while without worry.

Shen Ya found her clothes and took a shower, noticing some red and blue bruises on her body. After a quick wash, she put her soiled clothes into a basin. At five years old, she already washed her own clothes. Although there was a washing machine at home, her mother said it wasted water and never allowed her to use it.

After all this work, she saw the wall clock in the living room display 2:30 AM. She returned to her room and climbed onto her small iron bed. A creaking sound echoed from the iron frame. Her mother had brought this bed from somewhere; it was old and narrow, but perfectly adequate for a five-year-old.

It was late, yet the old city was quite lively. The barbecue stall downstairs was at its busiest. Loud shouting and the sound of breaking bottles occurred almost every night, but Shen Ya had long adapted. Accompanied by the noise, she fell asleep once more.

From the age of five, Shen Ya was constantly beaten for various reasons. She seemed to become her mother’s punching bag. Whenever her mother was wronged elsewhere, she would vent her resentment on Shen Ya, causing Shen Ya to become increasingly silent.

Shen Ya’s primary school was also a regular school. Twelve years of compulsory education ensured she wouldn’t have to worry about missing out on school. The first time she saw her mother smile at her was when she brought home three final exam papers with perfect scores.

These test papers became her mother’s bragging capital, and Shen Ya received a chicken drumstick as a reward. But she couldn’t guarantee perfect scores every time. On days when she didn’t get full marks, those two would again pull long faces and scold her.

Gradually, Shen Ya realized that no matter what she did, she couldn’t seem to meet their demands. So, she stopped forcing herself to please them.

As she grew older, she learned and saw more. Some classmates received pocket money. She watched those students buy beautiful stationery and interesting extracurricular books. For the first time, a strange emotion arose in her heart.

She wasn’t sure if it was jealousy or envy, but when her deskmate showed off a pen she had liked for a long time, Shen Ya realized how desperately she wanted pocket money.

She certainly couldn’t ask Shen Qiuyu or that man for money, so she had to find her own way to earn enough to buy stationery.

She was grateful that her grades were excellent in this ordinary school. The students’ quality was uneven; over half the class didn’t like studying. She began charging money to do their homework. Later, when more people found out, she couldn’t keep up with the workload. So, she started providing the answers, finding classmates who also wanted money to copy the work, and sharing a portion of the payment with them.

This “business” grew bigger and bigger. Her accuracy was high, and soon, even students from other classes came looking for her.

Shen Ya knew this couldn’t last, so after earning a certain amount of money, she immediately stopped.

She used the money to buy the stationery she loved, the books she liked, and even the street snacks her classmates enjoyed.

One day, returning home from school, she saw a room full of shattered pieces and her mother covered in bruises. Shen Ya merely glanced and looked away. She returned to her room with a blank expression, locked the door, and pretended not to hear her mother banging and roaring.

Over the years, she had come to understand how pathological her family was. Her mother had long been disciplined by feudal beliefs into a “slave” who only knew how to please others to survive. She vowed early on that she would never live to be like her mother.

After realizing these things, Shen Ya no longer yearned for family warmth. The colder she became, the angrier Shen Qiuyu grew. They felt they had given birth to an ungrateful wretch without feelings, who not only failed to bring them honor but became increasingly rebellious and incapable of self-discipline.

…

A few days later, when she pushed open the door, she found Shen Qiuyu and that man sitting in the living room with grim faces, looking less like they were arguing and more like they were waiting for her return.

That man threw some money down and loudly questioned her: “Did you steal my money?”

Shen Ya looked down at the money, suddenly realizing something. She turned and ran to her room. She saw that the place where she hid her money had indeed been ransacked. In fact, there wasn’t much money left, only a few tens of yuan scattered around.

She put down her school bag and returned to the living room, snapping back aggressively: “That money is mine.”

“Yours? What part of what you eat and wear isn’t my money!” The man slammed his hand heavily on the table, making the TV remote jump up a few inches: “Stealing money at such a young age. No wonder money’s been missing lately.”

Then, he habitually slapped Shen Qiuyu across the face: “Look at the good daughter you raised!”

Shen Qiuyu covered her face and started yelling: “What does it have to do with me! Look at her now, she’s here to bring us bad luck!”

The argument started again. Shen Ya knew she couldn’t get her money back. When she saw her mother pinned down and beaten on the sofa, she found a sudden burst of courage, grabbed the wine bottle from the table, and smashed it over the man’s head.

That night, she was hospitalized. Even though she intervened to save her mother, she didn’t receive a single word of thanks. Instead, this incident caused Shen Qiuyu and that man to unite on the same front to accuse her. She became the beast who dared to strike an elder. No one cared why she smashed that bottle, and no one cared about the blood she shed.

Shen Ya thought this life would follow her forever, but a surprise suddenly came.

In the year she was in sixth grade, on a normal workday, she was suddenly called out of the classroom by her homeroom teacher. The teacher told her that Shen Qiuyu had arrived. At the time, many bad scenarios flashed through her mind.

Shen Ya’s eyes darkened. She didn’t think Shen Qiuyu coming to see her at that hour could mean anything good.

When she saw Shen Qiuyu, she had already prepared for the worst. Shen Qiuyu suddenly grabbed her arm, her eyes bloodshot, with unshed tears on her face. Shen Qiuyu spoke to her with a trembling voice: “Your father had an accident!”

In that moment, Shen Ya’s mood didn’t get worse; she almost laughed out loud. Thanks to her naturally cold face, she managed to suppress the laughter and calmly asked: “What kind of accident?”

Shen Qiuyu didn’t notice her abnormality. She only cried and told her: “A car accident. He’s still in the hospital. He hasn’t come out of the emergency room. Hurry, come to the hospital with me to see him.”

A car accident? I wonder how badly he’s hurt. Why wasn’t he killed?

Shen Ya knew Shen Qiuyu was always indecisive. Facing such a huge matter, she was completely lost. What use was it to seek out a twelve-year-old child?

But she still went to the hospital with Shen Qiuyu. She thought it would be at most a broken hand or leg. She never thought that scum was hit so badly that he was still in the emergency room, not out of danger yet.

Shen Ya sat outside the emergency room, listening to Shen Qiuyu calling relatives one by one. No one would ever know that she was currently praying to the heavens, praying that the scumbag would not be saved.

Relatives arrived one after another. From their conversations, Shen Ya heard the reason for the accident: the scumbag had been drinking, riding a motorcycle, and ran a red light, getting hit by a legally driving car.

The driver naturally felt no responsibility, so they only called the police and an ambulance, not even paying for the trip to the hospital. Shen Qiuyu cried and made a scene outside the operating room. When a doctor with a grave expression walked out, Shen Qiuyu immediately grabbed their wrist to ask about the situation.

But the doctor sighed and shook his head. Shen Qiuyu’s legs gave out, and she nearly fell to the floor. She cried until she almost passed out, continuously cursing the driver who hit him.

Shen Ya lowered her head, her long hair obscuring her face. Her shoulders were twitching. Everyone assumed she was crying, but only she knew how brightly she was smiling.

Heaven had finally favored her once.

…

The subsequent matters were, of course, handled by the adults. The accident was ruled completely the fault of her dead scumbag father. But Shen Qiuyu simply could not accept this result. Being uneducated, she only believed the other party had killed her partner. Since he was dead, there must be compensation. Dissatisfied with the outcome, she went to make trouble, and not only did she make trouble herself, but she also insisted on dragging Shen Ya along.

Shen Ya refused to engage. It was best that the man was dead. She used the excuse of studying to avoid it as much as possible. With no leverage over her, Shen Qiuyu ended up gathering her sister and some relatives to harass the other driver daily.

In the end, the other party paid their family 100,000 yuan out of humanitarian concern, warning that if Shen Qiuyu and the others continued to pester them, they would call the police and have them all arrested, ensuring they wouldn’t receive a single penny.

Shen Qiuyu was uneducated. She was intimidated by these words, and besides, 100,000 was a fortune in her eyes, so she compromised.

After that scumbag died, Shen Ya lived a rare period of peace. Only Shen Qiuyu was constantly depressed, not because she loved the scumbag so much, but because she didn’t know how to live without a “pillar of support.”

One day later, Shen Qiuyu suddenly told her she was remarrying. Shen Ya was utterly surprised. She didn’t understand what madness had possessed Shen Qiuyu. Having just jumped out of one fire pit, why was she so eager to willingly jump into the next?

Shen Qiuyu told her: “Your Big Aunt introduced me to an honest man. I’ve met him and we’ve spent some time together. He’s truly a good person. If we have a little brother later, we mother and daughter will have someone to rely on.”

Little brother? Someone to rely on?

Shen Ya couldn’t understand her mother’s thinking. She knew nothing she said could change Shen Qiuyu’s mind, so she remained silent, simply picking up her books and returning to her room.

The man Big Aunt introduced was kindly described as ‘honest,’ but harshly described, he was a useless waste of space. Because he was poor and couldn’t make money, he had never been able to marry and have children. But these flaws somehow became advantages in Big Aunt’s mouth. She even brainwashed Shen Qiuyu, saying: “You’ve been married once and you have this baggage. It’s a miracle someone even wants you, so don’t be picky. If you have another child, you can use the compensation money to start a small business. Living an honest life is better than before, isn’t it?”

Shen Qiuyu felt this made sense, so after a little more time together, she registered the marriage. They didn’t have a wedding, just invited friends and family out for a meal on the day they got their license.

Shen Qiuyu planned to force Shen Ya to call the new man ‘Father’ on the day of the meal, but Shen Ya was accustomed to rebellion. She naturally didn’t address him. The atmosphere was a bit awkward, and someone had to step in to smooth things over and move past the topic.

Living under the same roof as a stranger made Shen Ya very uncomfortable. She would never leave her room if she could help it. After getting married, Shen Qiuyu quickly settled into the role of a normal partner with the man. Only then did Shen Ya understand that two people who didn’t love each other could still behave this way for a certain purpose.

Shen Qiuyu used the compensation money to rent a small storefront downstairs and opened a convenience store. Shen Ya didn’t care what she did, as long as she ensured Shen Ya could still go to school and eat.

After she graduated from primary school, Shen Qiuyu found out she was pregnant. After that, she would rub her belly every day, repeatedly murmuring that it must be a little brother.

Shen Ya grew tired of hearing it. One day, she asked Shen Qiuyu: “How are you sure you’re not having a little sister?”

Shen Qiuyu’s face darkened instantly and she pointed a finger at Shen Ya, cursing her for having bad intentions.

Ten months later, her sister was born. Shen Ya stood in the hospital room, looking at the little girl in the crib. She felt no emotion. But Shen Qiuyu cursed her every time she saw her, saying it was because of Shen Ya’s words that the child in her belly changed gender.

Shen Ya didn’t argue. She was already accustomed to Shen Qiuyu blaming everything on her.

She initially thought this child would live the same life she did, but she noticed Shen Qiuyu would actually soothe her sister in a gentle voice, kiss her cheeks when she cried, and constantly keep her sister in her heart.

Only then did she completely understand: Her mother didn’t dislike girls; she just disliked Shen Ya.