No One Ever Loved Me - Chapter 84

Even when she smiled gently, Lady Lorraine had an air of strictness. She immediately pointed out flaws in my posture as I bowed in greeting.

It took several tries before I was deemed satisfactory.

“Her Majesty the Queen can be quite particular—especially in the mornings. Unfortunately, she has a strict daily routine that makes no exceptions for her condition.”

As soon as we sat across from each other at the round table by the window, Lady Lorraine began a rapid-fire briefing. I politely excused myself to retrieve a pen and paper to take notes.

It wasn’t simply ambition or the desire to be close to the center of power that made me want to become the Queen’s lady-in-waiting.

I had a plan—one that required the Queen’s influence. And if I wanted to borrow someone’s power, I first had to win their favor.

Unaware of my hidden motives, Lady Lorraine interpreted my eagerness as diligence, and she seemed pleased.

“There were other candidates before you, Lady Cecilia. Contrary to what many believe, Her Majesty is not a forgiving person. Those women were more interested in the perks of the position than in truly serving the Queen. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before they fell out of favor.”

When the Queen had attended Josephine’s boat party, she had not seemed like the subject of all those unpleasant rumors.

She never concealed her royal authority, and aside from Marchioness Federica, she kept a distinct emotional distance from everyone.

“I never believed the rumors, even when I saw Her Majesty from afar. To me, she has always embodied the dignity most fitting for a woman in this nation.”

Lady Lorraine scoffed at the imaginary figures she spoke of.

“Foolish people often refuse to believe even what they’ve seen with their own eyes. As long as you have no delusions about Her Majesty, that’s enough. I’ve longed to spend these past years with my granddaughter. Sadly, I’ve only now reached this age because I couldn’t find a worthy successor to entrust the Queen to.”

I studied the woman before me. Lorraine clearly cared deeply for the Queen. She was a friend of Marchioness Federica.

Surely, if she had wanted to retire, the Queen would have let her go—out of sentiment, if nothing else.

But the Queen seemed displeased with every recommendation, and even those personally chosen by Lorraine often ended up disrespecting her.

Where I came from, subordinates who disrespected their superiors were considered serious problems. In the palace, the Queen wasn’t just a superior—she was more akin to a sovereign.

A lady-in-waiting who slighted the Queen could very well be accused of insubordination and punished accordingly.

“I don’t understand it, Lady Lorraine. Before entering the palace, I was the mistress of a noble household. It was frustrating and exhausting when a maid failed to carry out my instructions properly. I’m sure the previous candidates lived in similar circumstances. So how could they expect Her Majesty to tolerate what they themselves couldn’t bear?”

Lady Lorraine let out a heavy sigh. For the first time, she hesitated. Until now, she had freely shared even the Queen’s habits, preferences, and ways of expressing her temper.

“Forgive me. I’m struggling with whether or not I should tell you this. Her Majesty truly seems to like you. That alone should be enough reason to trust you… but still. Even if it’s inappropriate, I’ll say it: I think of Her Majesty as a granddaughter. She’s still young, and while I respect her immensely, I’ve seen and experienced enough to know that her judgment is not infallible.”

The Queen had once joked—half in jest, half not—that she felt Lorraine had chosen her real granddaughter over her.

It had sounded like a joke, but I believed her true feelings lay in that statement. Just as Lorraine had said to me, she had likely told the Queen that she viewed her like a granddaughter too.

And yet, the reason she was retiring was to spend what little time she had left with her real granddaughter. I understood the betrayal the Queen must have felt.

Emotions weren’t about right or wrong. The Queen was a lonely soul—an orphan from birth, raised by the Marchioness, and sent into the palace to become Queen as soon as she came of age.

“If it troubles you, you don’t have to tell me anything. I’m sure that over time, I’ll come to understand things just by being close to Her Majesty.”

Though I feigned humility, I had already deduced what Lorraine hesitated to say—thanks to Ricardo.

According to Ricardo’s information, the Queen had been unable to conceive an heir, and the King’s affections now belonged to his mistress.

Anyone who sought power had to think strategically about the future. No matter how favored I became by the Queen now, it was likely the future King would be the child of the King’s mistress.

“I’ll tell you just one thing. There may come a time when you feel Her Majesty is cold. You’ll try your best, and still, it will feel like there’s an invisible wall keeping you out. Don’t give up. Continue to see her as a Queen—but never forget that beneath the crown, she’s still flesh and blood.”

Even as she said this, Lorraine seemed like someone wounded and weary from having faced that very same wall.

I suspected it was partly that very wall—the Queen’s distant nature—that had influenced Lorraine’s decision to spend her remaining years with her granddaughter.

“I won’t forget your advice, Lady Lorraine.”

“Good. Then shall we go see Her Majesty? She should be waking from her nap right about now.”

When I looked at her, Lorraine gave me an apologetic smile.

“You weren’t the only one tested, Lady Cecilia.”

Had I followed the servant’s advice and rested in the room, I might never have even seen the Queen before being sent away.

Lorraine had used the servant to set a trap—and waited to see if I would fall into it.

From a perspective of loyalty to the Queen, it was a clever move. But I doubted the other candidates had reacted the way I did.

“Some passed, and some didn’t. But you’re the first to show absolutely no emotion, Lady Cecilia. That’s an admirable quality. It’s not easy to keep a straight face when you’re around Her Majesty.”

I followed Lady Lorraine down a maze of corridors. Now that I was no longer a guest, I made an effort to memorize the path.

“This is Her Majesty’s bedchamber.”

It was located much deeper within the palace than any other room we’d passed. The door looked the same as all the others, plain in design.

Ricardo had said the country was in an era of peace with no fear of war, but the palace had surely been built in a different time. I suspected the chamber’s location served to protect against potential assassins.

“Announce us.”

A servant knocked on the door and informed the Queen of our arrival. No reply came from inside.

“Let’s go in.”

The servant must have heard something I didn’t, because he opened the door wide without hesitation. What lay beyond was not what I’d expected. There was no bed in sight—only a large mahogany desk and a round table.

That was all the furniture in the room. As I looked around carefully, I noticed a curtain-covered wall. Behind it, perhaps, was the actual bedroom.

“Cecilia.”

The Queen didn’t look like someone who had just woken from a nap. Her attire was pristine, her eyes clear—she looked like someone who hadn’t slept at all.

“I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to bring you here before the year ended, and yet, here you are—in my room.”

“It seems I’ve become invisible now that Your Majesty has a new lady-in-waiting,” Lady Lorraine said with a smile.

“Still here, Lady Lorraine?” the Queen replied, casting her a cool glance.

Lady Lorraine, unbothered by the cold tone, responded as one would to a pouting youngest daughter.

“I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I’ll be visiting as a guest from now on, but I’m worried Your Majesty will still treat me like a servant.”

“A guest, you say? What if you get sick from being away from that granddaughter you missed so dearly? What am I supposed to do then?”

Lorraine shook her head and let the conversation drop. She seemed to know from experience when it was best to end the Queen’s sulking before it escalated.

“Lady Cecilia is clever. I feel relieved knowing Her Majesty will be in good hands.”

At those words, the Queen reached out her hand to me. It wasn’t the gesture of a monarch to a servant—it felt more like that of an older sister to a younger one.

“It’s my job to protect Cecilia. A Queen has a duty to protect her lady-in-waiting.”

I lowered my head and blushed, playing the part of someone embarrassed. I felt Lorraine’s eyes briefly rest on me.

“Technically, Lady Lorraine was more of a friend to my grandmother than a lady-in-waiting. That makes Cecilia my first lady-in-waiting.”

Pleased with my bashful demeanor, the Queen tapped the back of my hand affectionately.

“Lady Lorraine, you may say your goodbyes here. I hope you enjoy your life with your granddaughter from now on.”

It was an abrupt dismissal. Lorraine seemed just as surprised, her eyes widening as she looked at the Queen.

“Your Majesty…”

But the Queen turned away. Lorraine bit her lip and, after seeing the Queen gesture for me to take a seat, quietly turned and left. The door closed behind her.

“Tell me, Cecilia—are you disappointed in me?”

I shook my head.

“Lady Lorraine made her choice, just as Your Majesty made yours. Everyone has their reasons. It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

The Queen laughed with an amused expression.

“So, you’re not on my side or hers?”

I could have told her what she wanted to hear. But I decided against it.

The Queen wasn’t someone who’d be fooled by sugar-coated words. She was the type who would rather swallow a bitter truth.

“Not yet.”

“Didn’t you say you’d treat me like an older sister?”

“I only have a younger sister. Even if she were my real sister, I don’t think I would always take her side, either.”

The Queen’s smile faded, revealing the face of someone weary from life, hidden until now beneath her poised expression.

“Your Majesty, you still have choices.”

“We’ll see. There aren’t many, though.”

“But no one else decides whether Your Majesty will live happily or miserably. Only you can give yourself those orders.”

I didn’t want her to be unhappy. Whether she still loved the King or was simply afraid of a bleak future, I couldn’t say.

“Your Majesty is the most noble person in this country, second only to the King. Do what you can. As long as you don’t fear regret, there’s nothing you can’t do.”

The Queen chuckled and gently flicked my forehead with her finger.

“I’ve brought in quite the eloquent lady-in-waiting.”

I kept my true feelings buried deep—that I wanted the Queen to act while she still could, and that I hoped Ricardo would stay far from this matter.

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