No One Ever Loved Me - Chapter 45

It seemed Isla had come up with this little stunt to get revenge for the humiliation she suffered during the boat party.

If it could even be called a plan.

She probably thought showing me that Edgar and Elodie were still involved would be enough to crush me. But unfortunately for her, it didn’t faze me at all.

I’d been prepared for some kind of counterattack from Countess Rosette, so this half-baked attempt just felt underwhelming.

“Just say the word, My Lady. I’ll run over there and rip out that fox’s hair!”

Sarah was probably just trying to regain the closeness we once had.

Whatever she really felt, Martha always followed my orders to the letter.

That’s why Elodie had stopped being her favorite target entirely.

The easiest way Sarah could prove her loyalty—mocking Elodie—was no longer an option.

If Martha started the criticism, Sarah would join in without hesitation. But she never had the nerve to bring it up herself.

She couldn’t risk Edgar hearing about it and having no excuse to defend herself.

When with Martha, she could always say she didn’t want to disrespect someone her lady held dear.

I still took Sarah along when I went out, but I usually had her wait in the carriage while I attended my meetings.

She had to report to Countess Rosette, but now that she was stuck giving only surface-level updates, she must’ve been growing desperate.

“Let’s not ruin Edgar’s good time.”

My voice was calm and even, but Sarah panicked and grabbed my arm.

“My Lady! This is no time to play nice. You have to win the Count’s heart! He clearly cares more about you now—this is your chance. Show him you’re jealous! They say men secretly love it when women get jealous.”

I tried to pull my arm away, but she held on tightly, not budging an inch.

“Sarah, let go.”

“You know I’m doing this because I care, right? You’re all I have, My Lady. I always think about how I can be of help to you.”

Her tone turned desperate. The plan had failed, and now she was just trying to force it.

At this rate, Edgar might notice us.

The more she panicked, the tighter she gripped me.

“My Lady—”

“Unless you plan to break your lady’s arm, you’d better let go.”

The low voice came from behind us.

And the owner of that voice didn’t just speak—he yanked Sarah off of me with rough force.

“Bastian—”

Sarah gasped and nearly shouted his name, but I quickly covered her mouth with my hand.

Her eyes widened in alarm.

“I said I didn’t want to interrupt Edgar’s fun, didn’t I?”

Sarah looked at me like she didn’t understand.

“I know you mean well. I believe that. But you know as well as I do that Edgar and I have been getting along better lately. If we disrupt that now, what do you think will happen?”

I kept my voice low. Edgar and Elodie were still lost in each other, not paying attention to anything around them.

“Isla isn’t even engaged. What does she know about relationships between men and women? And you went and acted on her word without thinking. If things go sour between Edgar and me again, are you going to take responsibility?”

Only then did Sarah’s frightened eyes begin to shift. She shook her head quickly.

“I… I just wanted to prove I’m loyal to you, My Lady.”

“Take Martha, for example. She’s learned how to really support me. She asks what I want. She follows my orders above all else.”

While I calmed Sarah down, Ricardo stood beside us, subtly shielding me from view with his build.

Wearing a plain black suit and a hat pulled low over his eyes, he didn’t look anything like the heir of House Bastian.

“You owe Lord Ricardo an apology for causing this scene.”

“…I’m sorry, My Lady.”

Sarah was afraid of Ricardo—not just because of his high status. It was something more.

“If you understand, then follow us—but keep three steps behind.”

Ricardo’s attire may have been modest, but someone with a sharp eye could still recognize him.

A married woman meeting a man in public needed a companion at all times.

That’s why noblewomen, even those with entire households of servants, always kept a personal maid by their side.

Ricardo waited silently as I spoke.

“What a coincidence,” he said casually.

“Is it?” I asked.

He wore an innocent look, as if he hadn’t done anything suspicious at all.

I glanced back to make sure Sarah was keeping exactly three steps behind.

“Seems like Sir Juan didn’t take my advice seriously.”

“I swear, Countess of Linton—Matias is not one of mine.”

We spoke in hushed voices. Just as Sarah had said, the crowd gathered to watch the sunset helped drown out our conversation.

“It was Sir Juan who suggested we visit the plaza.”

“And I assume an overly curious maid helped push it along.”

“Naturally.”

My thoughts spun. Was this some joint effort between Juan and Sarah? If so, Juan might also be working for Countess Rosette.

“Matias may look like a bandit, but he’s proud to be a knight. If it came down to it, he’d rather take the loss himself than betray the lady he serves.”

Ricardo sounded almost disappointed.

“So, you did try to bribe him.”

“Once,” he admitted.

His honesty surprised me.

“The so-called pacifist Count of Linton suddenly hires a knight? I thought it might be my chance to expose a weakness.”

“You were watching Edgar, not me?”

“You know what I was dealing with at the time. I was running around like a beggar, trying to collect signatures so I could become the Duke’s heir.”

Ricardo spoke of his past humiliation as if it were nothing.

“The Count of Linton had a good reputation, but I don’t trust people who hide behind a nice face. I saw him as a potential threat, and I was just preparing myself.”

I didn’t nod, but I agreed silently.

People like us—damaged, hollowed out—were always sensitive to the desires of others.

Maybe it’s because we were so empty inside, we could instinctively sense what others had.

“Matias felt sorry for me. He’s a normal person. He has compassion.”

“That’s the difference between you and me, then.”

At first glance, Ricardo and I might’ve looked like the same kind of person.

So, it wasn’t surprising that he had misjudged me.

“I hate pity.”

I didn’t add that I was immune to all emotions—not just pity.

“We’re not the same.”

Ricardo let out a soft laugh.

“We are. But there’s always a difference between a pack leader and the rest of the herd, Countess of Linton.”

I stopped walking. Sarah, who had been trailing three steps behind, bumped into me.

“I’m sorry, My Lady.”

She quickly stepped back.

If I had heard him right, Ricardo had just said I was the one above him.

“The carriage should be circling around the outer edge of the plaza. If you don’t want to wait, you should head that way.”

He spoke just loudly enough for Sarah to hear—a subtle excuse for why we’d keep walking together.

I started moving again.

“I really don’t understand you, Lord Ricardo.”

I turned toward the outer edge. Ricardo didn’t try to twist the situation—he simply followed along.

“Have you ever thought that maybe I see you as a person… because I don’t see myself that way?”

It was a risky thing to say. I shouldn’t have revealed that much to him. But I couldn’t think of any other way to make him back off.

I had to make him realize I couldn’t live up to whatever fantasy he had about me.

“Honestly, a beast who accepts its nature is far more admirable than one who struggles to become human.”

I’d heard something similar on the ship before. My head began to ache.

Even if Ricardo’s feelings were only passion, it was too much. But this was beyond that—it was fanaticism.

“Lord Ricardo.”

I had no other choice now. I gave him what might be my final warning.

“Now that I’ve earned Her Majesty’s trust… I’ve been thinking maybe I’ll try to become a proper human being.”

Even to me, the words sounded like an empty lie.

“My life as Countess of Linton is starting fresh. Edgar says he sees me differently now.”

I pressed on with the clumsy lie.

“If I play my cards right, I can live a rich and stable life. That’s what I want.”

Ricardo didn’t even look at me.

“As your loyal friend, I truly wish you the best.”

“No, I don’t need your support—I need you to stay away.”

My real self slipped out, breaking through Cecilia’s mask.

For the first time, Ricardo turned to look at me.

“You’re… uncomfortable. And exhausting.”

“Isn’t that the weight a queen has to carry?”

“Well, I’m telling you now—I don’t want to be a queen. So stop putting that crown on my head without permission.”

“Leaders are often pushed into power by their followers, not by choice.”

Ricardo was clearly enjoying this exchange.

There was a smile at the corner of his lips as if he were savoring my frustration.

That’s when I pulled myself together. I couldn’t let him pull me in.

Ricardo stirred up emotions in me I didn’t want to feel.

Whether they were good or bad didn’t matter—they were all equally dangerous.

Either way, he was someone I had to guard against. Build walls. Keep out.

“The carriage is here. It’s been… enlightening, Lord Ricardo.”

He casually lifted a hand and called to Sarah.

“Escort your lady.”

Ignoring my earlier instruction to stay three steps back, Sarah rushed over to him.

“Just like Marchioness Federica said—the Countess of Linton certainly has a way with words.”

Sarah’s face twisted for a moment, then forced a smile.

“I heard Marchioness Federica will be visiting the palace soon. I do hope the Countess gets the honor of accompanying her.”

Though he was talking to me, it was clear he meant for Sarah to hear every word.

I wondered just how much he knew.

Did he know Sarah was a spy for Countess Rosette?

Was he provoking her on purpose, to help me?

Ricardo had too many secrets. I didn’t want to get involved in any of them. And yet, it felt like he was shouting them through a megaphone, begging me to notice.

“Thanks for the tip,” I replied shortly and stepped into the carriage the moment it arrived.

I saw Sarah part her lips to speak.

No doubt she was about to suggest that Countess Rosette and Isla should join us at court.

“I’m tired. I’ll take a nap until we get there.”

I closed my eyes, and in my mind, I took the imaginary crown Ricardo had placed on my head and hurled it away.

Then I kicked it.

Hard.

Just a little, but I finally felt like I could breathe again.

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