No One Ever Loved Me - Chapter 127

Maybe I misread it.

I blinked. But the bold letters—completely mismatched with his clean handwriting—didn’t disappear.

“Mutual Binding Contract.”

To be honest, even a marriage certificate would’ve been better than this.

That damned fanatic.
I swallowed the curse I couldn’t say aloud and looked at Ricardo.

He held out the absurd contract with a proud, almost smug smile—like he expected praise for it.

As if he thought I might actually be impressed.

“Don’t let the word ‘binding’ scare you, Lia,” he said cheerfully.
“I only forced that term in there to make it look official. The only one being bound is me.”

So he was offering himself up to be bound by me… and yet, for some reason, he was blushing like a schoolboy.

“Of course, for the sake of symmetry, I had to include a few lines pretending to bind you as well. But I promise—mine are firm and strict, and yours will be gentle and reasonable. So don’t worry.”

Was that supposed to mean I should bind him in radical, unreasonable ways?

I didn’t bother asking. If I said anything, the maid outside the door might faint at the language that would follow.

Ricardo’s smile faltered—probably because I hadn’t reacted the way he hoped.

No doubt he’d prepared a whole speech about all the ways I could “bind” him.

“This isn’t it, Ricardo.”

I had already told him—I didn’t want his faith, his devotion, or his worship.

This little “assignment” he was turning in—it was supposed to answer what we were, without those things.

And this contract? It wasn’t an answer at all.

It only confirmed that he still intended to keep idolizing me—just in a different format.

“I didn’t think your assignment had a right answer.”

“Of course it does. If it didn’t, why would you call it homework?”

If Ricardo wasn’t going to change his approach, I had no reason to keep holding on to him.

A part of my heart—puffed up with quiet hope—deflated.

I had thought… maybe Ricardo would be different.

Even though I knew I wasn’t someone who could be loved, I’d let myself hope—just a little.

But in the end, it was my mistake.

Ricardo had always understood me better than anyone.
He knew that if I ever returned his feelings, that would be the end of us.
He was the only one who realized that.

So… it really was my fault. I had no right to be disappointed that he hadn’t taken the risk.

And to be fair, his scheme had worked to some extent.

Because he never asked me for anything, I couldn’t cut him off. And in the end…

In the end, I even started hoping for something impossible.

“If you’d proposed, that might’ve been half-right.”

Ricardo’s eyes lit up. He looked straight at me.

But then, just as quickly, he shook his head.

His mother.

She was the chain around his neck.
And he would never willingly wrap that chain around me too.

“What if I handled her for you?”

“You’d be better than her, obviously. But then you’d be tied to the Bastian family. That burden is mine to bear alone.”

“It was never your choice to begin with. I’ll remove her from your life whether you like it or not.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to pray it never comes to that.”

“Didn’t you say I was your god? If you’re going to act like a fanatic, then at least obey your god’s will.”

“What kind of worshipper tries to bind their deity? Lia… the moment I handed you this contract, I erased that boundary.”

Boundary, he said. As if this whole time, he’d just been wearing a mask of faith.
Like there was something more beneath it.

And there probably was.

Ricardo’s feelings had always been wrapped in the shell of devotion—but the truth underneath…

The way he refused to share his mother or the burden of the Bastian name with me—
That too, in its own way, wasn’t so different from the masked faith he used as a shield.

At the end of the day, Ricardo still needed a certain distance between us.

“Boundary?” I echoed.
“I’m not sure I understand. Why would someone need a boundary in a relationship that’s ‘gentle’ and ‘reasonable’? What you really want is to keep things the way they are, right? You live your life, I live mine. We exchange a few glances here and there, pretend we understand each other… and then slowly drift apart.

“With the Duchess of Bastian’s grand plans, it’s only a matter of time before you remarry. You’ll never remain alone. And me? The Queen will find me a fitting match, and I’ll remarry too.”

“Stop.”

My words were cut off by a single command.

Or maybe it wasn’t the word—but his eyes that stopped me.

His gaze was intense—like a wanderer spotting an oasis in the middle of a desert.

Full of hope, but tinged with fear… like maybe it wasn’t real.

“Lia… do you want me?”

I froze.

Do I want him?

Yes. I did.

I wanted Ricardo. I wanted him not to give up on me.

It was selfish, but I wanted him to stay—no matter how much I pushed him away.

But I also knew it was cruel.
Because I would never stop doubting him, testing him, making him bleed emotionally.

Just like my mother had done.

So that was it.

I realized it all at once.

The curses and resentment my mother had poured on me—those were her form of love. Her twisted, desperate kind of affection.

It was her way of begging. Of pleading for reassurance that, no matter how cruel she became, I would never leave her.

But even if my body stayed beside her, my heart had slowly dried up.

And the more I faded, the more desperately she clung.
In the end, she burned herself to ashes.

And I—I carried her blood in my veins.

This body may belong to Cecilia, but my soul…
My soul still bore a thin, fragile thread connecting me to my mother.

Maybe that’s why I killed my emotions without even realizing it.
Because deep down, I was afraid of becoming her.

“I don’t want that.”

I couldn’t turn Ricardo into what I had once been.
But as always, my lies were terrible.

Looking at Ricardo’s face—clearly not believing a word—I felt my stomach twist with panic.

Why was it always so late with him?
Why did every realization about Ricardo come only after I had already crossed a line?

I saw him for who he really was too late.
I failed to recognize my own feelings and gave him false hope.
And now, only after noticing how much I was like my mother… I had to hurt him again.

“Forget the assignment, Lord Ricardo. I was arrogant. Who did I think we were?”

“Lia, what are you saying—”

“I’m saying I won’t return anything you’ve given me. I’ll accept your kindness, your devotion, and I’ll be grateful for it for the rest of my life. But I won’t interfere in your future anymore. I shouldn’t.”

A crease formed on Ricardo’s handsome forehead.
He looked genuinely lost, caught off-guard by the sudden shift.
He could tell something was wrong—but not what.

“I should be glad you won’t return it, but somehow… it doesn’t feel like something to celebrate.”

“Just take it for what it is. You were good to me, Lord Ricardo. And I won’t repay that kindness with betrayal.”

Keeping him tied to me—that would’ve been betrayal.

I couldn’t do to Ricardo what my mother had done to me.

That was never what I wanted.

My mother’s love had been suffocating.
And if my love became the same… then I had no right to give it to anyone.

I had no right to want him.

If Ricardo hadn’t put up that boundary—his safety line—he might’ve ended up like I once was.
Alive but not living, breathing but hollow. A miserable existence suspended between survival and despair.

“Go.”

I pointed to the door quietly.

Of course, Ricardo didn’t move.

“I’ll tell Justin not to offer you a room tonight. Unless you want to sleep in the streets, you should go back.”

I turned and left the drawing room.
If the young maid hadn’t been nearby, my legs might’ve given out right there.

I forced myself to stand tall.

Ricardo said I was the only one who understood him.
But in truth… he was the only one who understood me too.

Maybe I didn’t realize it before. But I’d known it, deep down.
And maybe that’s why I kept pretending I didn’t. So I wouldn’t have to face what I might lose.

It wasn’t a very honorable explanation. But it was an honest one.

“I’m going upstairs to rest. Tell the butler to see Lord Ricardo out—with respect.”

Even the clueless little maid could tell how exhausted I looked.

She said nothing and hurried off to do as I said.

Alone at last, I dragged my feet up to my room.

The moment I saw the bed, I collapsed onto it.
The pillow and sheets pressed against my mouth and nose. I couldn’t breathe—but I didn’t turn my head. I didn’t seek air.

It would be nice if I just died like this.

Cecilia’s debts were paid. Margaret had seen the real me.
Even Penelope—well, I had fulfilled my duty by introducing her to the queen.

Lord Juan was establishing himself steadily in Nathan. Even if I disappeared, things would go on.
Martha and Justin… surely Lord Juan would take care of them too.

That only left Ricardo.

Only Ricardo had received… nothing.

“It can’t be helped.”

I mumbled to myself, trying to make peace with it.
Because giving him nothing… was the only thing I could do for him.

Ricardo wanted me.

But the cost of having me… would be unbearable.

A deal that could only be fulfilled by giving nothing.

He was the kind of man I’d gladly give everything to.

But if I did give him everything, it would only destroy him.

There was no way I could sleep, but I closed my eyes anyway. I didn’t even change position.

If I suffocated in my sleep, that would be just fine.

As always, life was never fair to me.

And even though my mind had given up, my body—so stubborn in its will to survive—must have turned in the night, greedily taking in air again.

I blinked my eyes open. It was still night.

My limbs ached as I sat up and opened the window.

The Rosette estate’s garden, lovingly cared for by Josephine, was breathtaking.

I hadn’t opened the window to admire it. I hadn’t really opened it with any intention at all.

It just felt like something I had to do.
And my hands, still fogged by sleep, obeyed that silent command.

“Ah…”

Ricardo was there.

His bright, golden eyes met mine—like fate, like magic.

He smiled, not at all like a man who had just been thrown out.

And the moment our eyes met, my heart—silent until now—started pounding, loud and fast.

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