My Roommate is a Gloomy, Sensitive Guy Who Cries Over Everything - Chapter 32

Chapter 32: I Won’t Be Able to Control Myself

The tips of Lin Rangchuan’s ears turned red and his eyelids lowered. His cheeks were cupped by a pair of soft, small hands; they were so close he could have easily licked them.

Lin Zhiyu felt a warm touch brush against his skin. Like receiving an electric shock, he jerked his hands back and hid them behind his back. “I can forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not angry.”

Lin Rangchuan stood up abruptly. He curled his fingers and pressed his knuckles against the tip of his nose, seemingly trying to mask something, as he opened the door. “Yes. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I did something wrong; it’s only right that you’re angry. I’m sorry.”

Lin Zhiyu was stunned; he didn’t leave.

Lin Rangchuan gave a mocking smile in his heart. Perhaps the punishment isn’t enough; Baby is just standing there. He looked deathly angry—was he going to hit him?

“Close the door first.” Even though no one else was out there, Lin Zhiyu still felt a sense of shame and didn’t want to be seen.

The room fell back into darkness. Lin Zhiyu’s throat tightened, his fingers twisting together. “I’m asking you—where did you get so many photos of me?”

“Your social media platforms.”

“What?”

“Some of them… I took it by accident.” Even now, Lin Rangchuan was maintaining a semblance of “noble” character. For instance, some were characters he drew from his imagination, and others were landscapes where “Baby” just happened to be in the frame.

“How did you know the social media accounts belonged to me?”

“I can easily track your IP address. The rest was simple.”

Lin Zhiyu’s head throbbed. “That’s doxxing.”

“I’m sorry.”

“…”

Lin Zhiyu walked over. With his hands behind his back, he stood on his tiptoes to observe the taller man’s expression. “What were you going to do with my photos?”

“You wouldn’t want to know.”

Lin Zhiyu whispered, “I can guess. You like me?”

Lin Rangchuan’s eyes instantly lit up enough to pierce through his heart, but they quickly dimmed again.

Lin Zhiyu rubbed his chin and added, “It couldn’t be that you give me a cold face every day, only to return to your room and look at my photos…”

He didn’t finish the sentence. Lin Rangchuan covered his mouth, his ears flushing a deep red. “I did not give you a cold face.”

“Then why do you always…” Lin Zhiyu mimicked his sidelong glance, “…look at me like this?”

As he spoke, his lips moved, brushing against Lin Rangchuan’s palm. The veins on Lin Rangchuan’s arm bulged slightly. Fortunately, his loungewear pants were loose, so nothing was visible for the moment.

“If I look too long, I’ll… get hard,” Lin Rangchuan said with difficulty.

Lin Zhiyu’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t speak for a long time, his round eyes staring straight at him.

Lin Rangchuan let go, his hands hanging at his sides.

“Is that so? Do you have a strong drive? Do you need it a lot? Every day?” Lin Zhiyu seemed entirely unafraid.

The veins in Lin Rangchuan’s forehead pulsed harder. He wanted to kick the boy out, but he didn’t dare. The “Baby” in front of him knew nothing, asking pulse-pounding questions with such innocence.

Lin Zhiyu didn’t realize that Lin Rangchuan wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand. Even after learning his secrets, he wasn’t afraid. Instead, he acted as if he had entered a world of curiosity, constantly moving closer.

Lin Rangchuan’s tension reached its peak. Looking at Lin Zhiyu’s youthful face, his Adam’s apple bobbed. “Is there any point in asking this?”

Lin Zhiyu looked at him in confusion. “Why can’t I know? You used the ‘Senior’ persona to confess to me. Didn’t you want to know my answer?”

“No.” Lin Rangchuan turned his head away, his voice low and raspy. “I just wanted you to know that I like you, that I have a crush on you. It doesn’t mean I must have your answer.”

Lin Zhiyu was completely stunned. He thought seriously for a few seconds. “Why? If I…”

“Someone like me… I’m irrational. I don’t have normal needs. I don’t know what I’m doing all day. Besides drawing and making small games, what qualities do I have that are worth liking? You’re better suited for someone who lives a normal life in the sunlight, not a failure like me who has to piece together his own family photo.”

After a long silence, Lin Zhiyu reached out and pressed his cheek against the other man’s chest. “There’s no reason for liking someone.”

“There is. At least for me…” Lin Rangchuan’s eyes held an infinite quietness and sadness, like someone lost in a maze who had never found the exit. “Many things haven’t been settled yet.”

“Then I’ll settle them with you.”

Lin Rangchuan pushed him away, his face turning cold as he reverted to his previous demeanor. “No. You can’t settle them.”

Being rejected repeatedly would make even a saint lose their temper. Lin Zhiyu let go. “You won’t even say what it is, you just say I can’t handle it.”

“It’s about money.”

Lin Zhiyu choked. “…”

Lin Rangchuan turned his back to him. Lin Zhiyu grabbed his hand again. “You’re only twenty. How much money could possibly be weighing you down? What about your parents? Even if we can’t solve it now, we can solve it together in the future. As long as we don’t separate.”

“I don’t need you to take responsibility.”

“Fine. You said it.” Lin Zhiyu let go. Feeling discouraged, he had barely taken two steps when he caught a glimpse of a wet glint on Lin Rangchuan’s cheek. He rolled his eyes.

“What are you crying for? Go cook for me. I’m hungry.”

…

The meal was exactly like the menu pinned to the computer.

It was a nutritious meal with a balanced mix of meat and vegetables. Lin Rangchuan must have specifically learned how to cook this, which explained why Lin Zhiyu only had to pay a hundred yuan a month to eat like this. Reasoning backward, everything Lin Zhiyu couldn’t figure out before now had an explanation.

He went to all this trouble and then says he wants nothing?

Lin Zhiyu clicked his tongue inwardly and placed a piece of braised pork in the other’s bowl. Lin Rangchuan lifted his reddened eyes to look at him.

“Speaking of which, I really haven’t communicated with you well. Besides the fact that you were avoiding me, it was also my fault.” Lin Zhiyu suddenly remembered something and put down his chopsticks. “You even told me not to mention the ‘Senior’ in front of you. What were you thinking?”

What was I thinking?

Isn’t it simple? That persona possessed the things he desperately wanted. He received the luxury of Lin Zhiyu’s daily companionship; no matter how many requests he made, Lin Zhiyu would indulgently agree.

“In your heart, he and I were never the same person. You like him more.” Lin Rangchuan bit into the sweet braised pork, but his words were full of bitterness. “I’m nothing more than his shadow.”

“You came to me because of him. You talk to me because of him. No matter what I do, you think it’s him. So what am I?”

Lin Zhiyu couldn’t understand. “But he is you.”

“And you only accept me now because of him, don’t you?” Lin Rangchuan calmly peeled back the most fragile layer of their relationship.

If they really got together, they would gradually discover that he was nothing like the “Senior” Lin Zhiyu had fantasized about—not that good. What stage would they reach then? Would the happy, innocent Lin Zhiyu never be happy again? If that was the ending, why bother starting?

From this, Lin Zhiyu could sense Lin Rangchuan’s meaning; it wasn’t hard to understand. He was afraid of loss.

With so much having happened, it would be a lie to say Lin Zhiyu wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t that angry. He was more curious about the Lin Rangchuan who overlapped with the ethereal image of the Senior. However, Lin Rangchuan seemed to mind very much that he wasn’t the “primary” subject.

To be honest, Lin Zhiyu felt a tingling sensation in his heart. After confirming his orientation, he had lived a life of closed-off emotions. Now that he had finally unlocked his heart, he encountered such a high-difficulty “talent.”

But love has no reason.

Even though Lin Rangchuan said “I’m sorry” and told him to stay away, he had effectively peeled back his skin and offered his bloody heart on his palm for him to see.

“You’re right. I was being too impulsive.”

Lin Rangchuan’s expression stiffened. The chopsticks in his hand were nearly snapped in two. Lin Zhiyu saw this and sighed inwardly. This? This is all it takes? Lin Zhiyu suspected that if he said anything more severe, the man would probably cry like a dog.

After eating, Lin Zhiyu didn’t scramble to do the chores. Lin Rangchuan instinctively began clearing the table. Lin Zhiyu didn’t immediately return to his room as usual; instead, he lay on the sofa watching him. “I want an apple. Peeled. No core.”

Lin Rangchuan was silent for a moment before turning into the kitchen. A few minutes later, a plate of neatly sliced apples appeared on the coffee table.

“Aren’t you doing quite well? Is this also what the ‘Senior’ meant?” Lin Zhiyu looked at him with a smile.

Lin Rangchuan looked at him as he practically draped himself over him. He whispered, “Aren’t you angry?”

Lin Zhiyu remembered and blushed. “Right.” Then he thought of something else and nudged him with his elbow. “So I can do whatever I want to you now?”

As long as you don’t leave.

Of course, that was an extravagant hope. Lin Rangchuan wouldn’t say it, nor would he suggest that Lin Zhiyu leave.

“Fine then. I have a request.” Lin Zhiyu ate an apple and looked at him with his legs crossed.

“I’m tired of sleeping in my room. I want to sleep with you.” When Lin Zhiyu went in earlier, he noticed Lin Rangchuan was in the second bedroom. The master bedroom, where Lin Zhiyu slept, was a bit smaller and more cramped with belongings.

As soon as he said it, Lin Rangchuan’s spine went stiff like a rusted iron rod—it could only stand straight, not bend. His fantasy had suddenly become reality. His voice took on a strange huskiness. “Do you know what you’re saying?”

“I know. I want to sleep with you. Two guys—it’s normal, right? Didn’t you say you’re sorry? You should compensate me.”

Inwardly, Lin Zhiyu didn’t really want this, but it seemed to be the only effective way to pry open the sensitive heart of the man before him and make him run toward him.

Lin Rangchuan looked down at Lin Zhiyu’s fair feet on the rug. The heater was on, so he wasn’t afraid of the cold, but the sight still made his brow furrow. Without any warning, Lin Rangchuan crouched down and gently grasped his ankle. “Take a shower first, Baby.”

Lin Zhiyu’s scalp tightened. He muttered something but didn’t correct the nickname.

“Why do I have to wash first?” Lin Zhiyu watched him prepare his clothes. The man’s movements had slowed down. Lin Zhiyu chuckled inwardly, but on the surface, he remained leisurely and understanding. “Go ahead, tell me. I won’t be angry.”

Lin Rangchuan looked at the clean clothes in his hand and rubbed them a few times. “Because they have your scent.”

Lin Zhiyu stepped closer and saw the subtle smile at the corner of his mouth. “It smells very good. It gives me… a certain feeling.”

Lin Zhiyu’s eyes slowly widened. “You pervert…”

Lin Rangchuan looked at his moist, slightly parted lips and looked away. “It’s not all the time. And I clean it very thoroughly; I don’t leave any scent behind.”

“No way.” Lin Zhiyu’s cheeks flushed. He was too embarrassed to even look at him. “You can’t do that next time. You can tell me.”

Tell you?

Tell you, and then what? Would you help me? Where would I finish—the mouth, or some other part of the body? I’m not picky.

Lin Rangchuan was immersed in his own world until Lin Zhiyu pushed him. “You’re not allowed to do bad things with my clothes. Speak—did you hear me?”

At this moment, Lin Rangchuan acted like an honest man. “I heard you.”

If possible, Lin Rangchuan still hoped Lin Zhiyu wouldn’t be so angry with him. He wanted him to be happier. Even if he had to hide in the background masturbating for his entire life without ever being caught, he could do it.

While Lin Zhiyu was showering, he glanced toward the door again. A very faint shadow was standing there. Before, he only thought it was creepy; now… it was the same, but he could tolerate it a bit more knowing it was Lin Rangchuan. If it were anyone else, he would have broken the lease, had a massive fight, and perhaps even called the police before finding another place to rent.

Thinking of this, Lin Zhiyu felt his heart was incredibly strong. Although he had no experience dating guys before, men were practically self-taught in this area. After finishing his shower, Lin Zhiyu decided to give them a chance to get to know each other anew.

Lin Zhiyu came out drying his hair like a little parent. “You, go wash. Get in there.”

Lin Rangchuan turned to look at him. “Are you going to wait for me at the door?”

“Yes.” Lin Zhiyu mimicked his expression. “Get in. Throw your dirty clothes straight out.”

Lin Rangchuan looked at him for a few seconds. Lin Zhiyu thought he was unwilling and was fuming with anger. “What? Do you want to sneak off with my clothes and do bad things again? If you can stand here, why can’t I…”

Before he could finish, Lin Rangchuan turned and left. He returned seconds later with a chair. “I’m afraid you’ll get tired.”

Lin Zhiyu: “…”

…

Since they had agreed to sleep together, no matter how erratic Lin Rangchuan’s breathing was, Lin Zhiyu was determined to move his things over for now. He’d wait until Lin Rangchuan was willing to come out of this room before reconsidering.

He had originally wanted to sleep early, but with finals approaching, Lin Zhiyu still had assignments to complete. He sat at the desk Lin Rangchuan usually worked at. It was small and covered almost entirely with things related to Lin Zhiyu. Whatever he didn’t have, he drew.

Lin Zhiyu looked at Lin Rangchuan, who was sitting at the head of the bed quietly typing. “That poster job for the Publicity Department—do you have time to do it?”

The light was soft and yellow. Lin Zhiyu leaned on his arm and turned his head. Lin Rangchuan’s eyes flickered. “I can.”

Having received a definite answer, Lin Zhiyu replied to the boy and immediately sent him a “thank you, boss” emoji. Lin Zhiyu showed it to Lin Rangchuan. “Look, they’re thanking you. By the way, does he know…?”

Lin Rangchuan: “No. Only you know.”

These words sounded like he was coaxing him, but Soren must have attended many meetings and such, given the collaborations with studios.

“Doesn’t Lou Chen know too?”

“He doesn’t count,” Lin Rangchuan said decisively.

Lin Zhiyu paused. He had been concentrating on his homework and didn’t know where he had kicked his slippers. By the time he realized it, Lin Rangchuan was already putting socks on his feet, one by one. Lin Zhiyu felt an unnatural sensation as his entire foot was touched, but before he could speak up to stop him, Lin Rangchuan had already finished.

“My feet aren’t cold.”

“They are,” Lin Rangchuan said, as if words were gold.

Lin Zhiyu placed one foot on his lap. Lin Rangchuan looked down. If the fabric of the pants were slippery, he would have been kicked right there. But soon, Lin Zhiyu withdrew his foot and continued his homework, perfectly missing Lin Rangchuan’s fleeting expression of regret.

Halfway through, Lin Zhiyu couldn’t hold out and needed to sleep. He slept on the side against the wall, specifically leaving space. After Lin Rangchuan finished washing up and returned, he had a mattress in his hands and lay it on the floor. Lin Zhiyu was so angry he nearly fainted; he abruptly sat up in bed. “What is the meaning of this?”

“I won’t be able to control myself.” Lin Rangchuan sat on the edge of the bed. The double bed was already small, and the space suddenly felt cramped. Lin Rangchuan watched his shadow fall over Lin Zhiyu’s delicate features. “My dreams are full of you.”

Lin Zhiyu’s fingers propped on the bed twitched a few times. He unintentionally glanced around; the room was filled with his photos, leaving him with no choice but to believe Lin Rangchuan’s words. A strange and silent atmosphere gradually permeated the room.

“Fine.”

Lin Zhiyu compromised. With the day’s events piling up and bombing his brain, he couldn’t process emotions that were too complex. For him, liking someone was liking them, and not loving them was not loving them. With this thought, mixed with the warmth of Lin Rangchuan’s 37°C body temperature on the sheets, he fell into a deep sleep.

In the middle of the night—

Adam’s apple felt the warm sensation of being licked; it was itchy and hot. His whole body was being held, and his arms subconsciously and weakly wrapped around the neck of the person before him. Just like in a dream, he was being pressed down.

Lin Zhiyu woke up with a start and pushed the man off him. “Lin Rangchuan… wake up…”

With the push, Lin Rangchuan woke up with a frown. His brow was low over his eyes—dark, deep pupils—and his pale red lips were slightly moist. He looked at Lin Zhiyu with this expression.

Lin Zhiyu’s collar was wrinkled, and his cheeks were flushed. His limbs felt soft from being licked. “Didn’t you say nothing would happen if you slept on the floor?”

Lin Rangchuan said without changing his expression: “Sleepwalking.”

“Since when did you have that problem?”

“Just now.”