Longing for the Stars - Chapter 7

When I woke up, an unfamiliar color was right in front of my eyes.

No, I was used to the color itself. But it was strange for it to be this close. It was also very warm, and there was a scent that felt somewhat calming.

I felt like I knew this smell, but I couldn’t remember it. Usually, I wake up right away, but today I was so sleepy that I closed my eyes again. It was so warm. I wondered if it was a dream. Is it possible to feel physical warmth in a dream? Besides, if I could see skin tones, was it already light outside? That would mean…

“What time is it— cough, cough!”

I bolted upright—that’s the only way to describe how fast I sat up and immediately started coughing. My voice was shockingly hoarse, and my lower body was incredibly sore. On top of that, I wasn’t wearing any clothes, and Sirius was lying right next to me.

“…Wait, what?”

Sirius wasn’t wearing clothes either. We were both naked. His arm was draped casually around my waist. That meant the warmth I felt earlier was his body heat. Based on the way his arm was positioned, had he been holding me? My mind was in total chaos, but my eyes darted around the room, desperate to gather information.

It was completely bright outside. I was late. I had totally overslept. Where were my clothes? They were thrown messily under the bed. Why on earth was I with Sirius anyway?

“Al…”

The puzzle pieces clicked into place at almost the exact moment a drowsy Sirius woke up and easily pulled me back down onto the bed, pinning me beneath him. I knew this scene—being looked down at from this distance. I remembered those eyes, filled with a crazed light, staring into me.

‘Look at me properly.’

Blood rushed through my entire body. I felt so hot I thought I might boil, but even though I tried to speak, no words came out. My lips just trembled uselessly.

My heart was beating so loud it felt like it might break. I was so embarrassed I wanted to disappear. What happened yesterday was completely unexpected. Just like yesterday, my brain stopped working. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I was supposed to react at a time like this. What should I do? What can I do?

“Ugh!”

Thump. Sirius collapsed on top of me with quite a bit of force. He landed right on my chest, and I groaned from the pressure. Then, I heard a tiny, weak voice from Sirius—a sound I had never heard him make before.

“…I feel sick.”

“…What?”

My voice was still terribly hoarse, but his words made my embarrassment vanish instantly. That’s right—he was acting strange yesterday. He had come to me for help.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“…No. My stomach is spinning.”

“I’ll go call the medical team.”

“No.”

“Huh?”

“No. Stay here, Al. If you’re here, I’ll get better. Don’t leave today, no matter what.”

Sirius pleaded in a voice that sounded completely sulky. His body, which was a size larger than mine, wrapped around me like a snake. I sighed and patted his back, thinking he was acting like a spoiled child.

“What are you saying? I’m not off duty today. I’m already late, so let go of me.”

“No.”

“Sirius.”

“I said no!”

He hugged me so tight it was hard to breathe, making me frown.

“Be quiet and move over.”

“…Even if I move, I don’t think you can walk, Al.”

He kept holding me tight, but his thick eyebrows—which usually looked sharp—drooped like a puppy’s. He looked pathetic, like he expected to be scolded. I started to say “Huh?” but the argument died in the back of my throat.

“Yesterday… I mean… well, I think I pushed you pretty hard.”

His usual confidence was gone. As his grip loosened and his hand brushed against my hip, the embarrassment I had pushed aside came back even more violently than before. Part of me still couldn’t tell the difference between a dream and reality. This was too impossible to accept as real, yet there was too much evidence to call it a dream.

The way Sirius looked at me felt unusually soft. I wanted to scream for him to stop. I wanted to tell him not to look at me like that, but my lips felt sewn shut. Sirius’s large hand—with its rough fingers—stroked my cheek. That simple gesture slammed the reality into me like a weapon.

—Yesterday, I… I slept with Sirius.

Forced to admit the truth, I felt like I forgot how to breathe. I felt so hot I thought I might catch fire. My face and every inch of skin Sirius could see must have been bright red. I bit my lip hard and frowned as deep as I could, fighting back the strange heat behind my eyes so I wouldn’t cry.

“I-I’m sorry! I mean, I’m not sorry at all, but I’m sorry! You were embarrassed, right? I’m sorry. But you were so cute, and it felt so good, and—ow!”

I shoved my right hand into Sirius’s hair and grabbed it. His eyes watered slightly.

“…Don’t say another word, you complete moron!”

“…Okay.”

He nodded meekly. He looked so much like a sad dog with its ears drooping that I couldn’t stand to look at him. I forced my body to turn over and buried my face in the pillow.

“…Al?”

Oh, dammit. Just by moving a little, I could tell. My body was exhausted beyond belief, and my legs felt strangely weak. I felt a stinging pain in places I shouldn’t, and the smell of Sirius on the pillow made my brain feel like it was boiling.

“Al, Al. Hey, are you mad? Do you hate me now? I’ll do it better next time, so please don’t be mad.”

“I told you to stop talking.”

Everything was so embarrassing I couldn’t keep my sanity. The weight of Sirius leaning on me again, his body heat, his voice desperately begging for forgiveness—it all stirred up my heart without mercy. No matter what I did, I kept remembering.

The heat in his dark eyes from last night and the way I had lost control of myself kept flashing behind my eyelids. Oh, I hated this. I hated it so much. I was going to lose it from the shame. Seeing me cover my ears with the pillow, I could tell Sirius was confused.

But I didn’t have the luxury to care about his feelings. I seriously wished my memory would just disappear, but things never work out that conveniently.