Longing for the Stars - Chapter 12

That night, we saw each other in our room for the first time in a while.

Even though we hadn’t spoken at all for a week, we had, of course, been sharing the same room. However, it had been a long time since I had properly looked Sirius in the eye.

The room, where we no longer studied hard like in our student days, was furnished with a sofa and a low table. I sat down on one side, and Sirius sat across from me. I wasn’t particularly angry or in a bad mood, but perhaps because I said nothing, Sirius’s expression which at first seemed somewhat hopeful gradually turned into anxiety. Now, he was hanging his head with an aura that could only be described as despair.

I watched him in silence, remembering the words Mr. Heilden had said to me.

This dejected man in front of me would, one day—surely in the not-so-distant future—return to the Royal Capital alone. He would achieve great military deeds under his father, meet everyone’s expectations, and ride straight onto the elite track. I could easily imagine such a brilliant future for him without any struggle. And I felt that it wasn’t just a dream, but a reality that could actually happen.

Along with the fact that I wouldn’t be by his side, I thought it was a very realistic future.

“…You.”

“!”

Sirius snapped his head up.

Our eyes met—his filled with watery anxiety and the look was so different from his usual self that I couldn’t help but let the corners of my mouth soften.

“Don’t cause so much trouble for the people around you.”

“B-but…”

“Don’t blame it on me. You are the reason I was in a bad mood. It’s all your fault.”

“Yes, you’re right. It’s my fault. It’s my responsibility.”

“That’s right.”

I exhaled and leaned my weight against the backrest, letting my body slide forward. As I crossed my fingers over my stomach, I saw Sirius looking at me with a surprised face.

I said nothing back. I could easily imagine that he was surprised by my relaxed posture.

I hadn’t let myself lounge around in front of others for the past few years. I didn’t want to give anyone an opening to look down on me, no matter how small. Being in a battle-ready state at all times had been ingrained in my body for a long while now, but I decided that just for today, it was fine, and I looked up at the ceiling.

“…I was too stubborn, too. I’m sorry.”

“Eh?”

“From tomorrow, let’s go back to how things usually are. I caused trouble for our seniors, and Yard even had dark circles under his eyes from the stress. I’ll apologize to him tomorrow.”

“…Al.”

“Yeah, what is it?”

I shifted my gaze from the ceiling to find Sirius. Since he had just gotten out of the bath, his hair, which usually stood up sharply, was hanging down limply. His black hair and eyes looked just like the night sky and the stars; I had always liked that contrast.

“…It’s nothing.”

I could tell Sirius had swallowed his words.

I thought it was rare for him, but since I was the one who made him act that way, it wasn’t particularly surprising.

“Well, let’s sleep then. Goodnight.”

Sirius is probably feeling anxious right now. It’s because I haven’t said a word about what happened a week ago at night. To be honest, I only remember fragments of that night. But among them, what I clearly remember are Sirius’s intense eyes, his burning hot skin, and his voice calling my name.

Those are things that should probably not be easily dug up.

My instinct told me that the best solution was to act as if it never happened.

I stood up from the sofa and tried to pass by Sirius, who was sitting in the seat by the window.

“Al!”

He grabbed my wrist.

No, “grabbed” was too strong a word. It was more like he “held” it.

It felt hot. The moment I thought that, I tried to shake my arm free.

But because Sirius tightened his grip on my wrist just before I could, I wasn’t able to, and my expression twisted.

“Let go.”

“Let’s sleep together.”

“…What?!”

“Together! Let’s sleep!”

“No!”

“No is no!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Stop talking nonsense and let go, you…!”

His grip was so firm it was as if even his fingertips were made of muscle; he didn’t budge even when I tried to pry his fingers off with my other hand. I couldn’t hide my irritation at this idiot who had suddenly started saying nonsense, but while keeping his grip on my wrist, he muttered in a small voice.

“…We used to sleep together before.”

“Before…?”

“When we were at the academy, we slept together! I said I was fine with staying that way, but Al, you were selfish and said we had to have separate beds. Don’t you remember?!”

“Don’t be ridiculous! That was only until we were thirteen or so!”

“Even though I hated it, I listened to your request, didn’t I?! So Al, listen to my request too!!”

“Do you really think you’re in a position to make requests to me…!”

It was true that we shared a room at the academy, and it was a fact that we slept together.

But that was a suggestion I made because I felt so sorry for Sirius, who cried every night claiming he was homesick or whatever; it didn’t apply to us now.

“Where in the world are there men who sleep together at eighteen?!”

“Right here.”

Because he said it with such a dead serious face, the strength left my body for a moment.

Waiting for that opening, he pulled the arm he was holding, and I lost my balance.

“…Please, Al. Let’s sleep together.”

Before I knew it, I had been pulled onto Sirius’s lap, and his arms were wrapped around my waist so I couldn’t escape. The back of my neck felt warm, likely because his breath touched me when he spoke.

“Please.”

He tightened his arms around me.

The words he whispered in a clinging voice sounded familiar to me.

“…Stop it, Sirius. You’re not homesick or anything anymore.”

“…It’s because Al didn’t talk to me for a whole week.”

Irritatingly, I can never win against Sirius in a contest of power. Sirius is much larger than me and muscular all over. In comparison, my body is average. An entirely average build with average muscle mass. That’s why, when I’m held like this, I can’t move at all.

“…That was your own fault.”

“It was my fault! But still, I was lonely.”

Sirius knows that I stop resisting when he gets like this. But he won’t loosen his grip until he gets his way.

That’s why his arms are still holding me with painful strength, and the breath on my back is hot.

“…I promise I absolutely won’t do anything, so please.”

He rubbed his forehead against my back.

I know that once Sirius is like this, he won’t back down. That’s why I’ve always been the one to give in. I thought that today of all days I wouldn’t give in, but my will is apparently very weak.

“Of course you won’t, you idiot.”

“!”

I felt him lift his head behind me.

I could also tell that his invisible tail was wagging so hard it might snap off.

“You’ll sleep with me?”

“If I don’t, you won’t let go, will you?”

“Yeah!!”

“Don’t say that so confidently.”

I sighed and turned around, and my eyes met those “stars” at very close range. Even though they had been dull like mud just a moment ago, I was exasperated by how they were now shining like a first-magnitude star again.

But even though I knew it was strange, I was just as bad for accepting it in the end.

“Al—”

“What is it, you idiot?”

“I hate that! Call me by my name!!”

“Your voice is too loud.”

“Call me by my name!”

“How can your voice be quiet but the pressure stay exactly the same?”

For some reason, Sirius smiled proudly. He let go of my waist and, before I could think, he slid his hand behind my knees and lifted me up with a surge of energy.

“……Hey.”

“You’re light, so it’s easy!! Man, carrying you like this brings back memories!”

“I never dreamed I’d still be carried like this at this age.”

Back when sleeping together at the academy was normal, there was already a difference in our sizes, so I was often carried to bed like this when it was time to sleep.

There was a sense of fragility back then, but now there is only a sense of stability; I hate myself a little for even noticing his growth.

“…You’re in an unusually good mood.”

“Eh, isn’t that obvious? It’s Al, after a whole week!!”

“What on earth am I to you?”

“Hmm…”

He set me down on the bed and immediately, that big guy lay down next to me.

Remembering that it was always my job to pull the covers over Sirius who would try to sleep without them because his body temperature was so high. I grabbed the bedding and pulled it up to our shoulders.

Sirius’s arm stretched out toward where my head should be, as if it were the natural thing to do. Thinking this sight was nostalgic too, I rested my head there.

“Al, you’re like the sky to me!”

“The sky?”

“Yeah, the sky.”

“I’m quite vast, then.”

“Yeah. You’re the blue sky, but you’re also the night sky!”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means what it means! Anyway, you’re the sky!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Ah, you’re not listening seriously, are you?!”

“Because it doesn’t make any sense. Come on, let’s sleep. Goodnight.”

I forced the conversation to an end and closed my eyes.

Then, unexpectedly, sleepiness came quickly, and I let my consciousness drop into slumber without a fight.