I’ve Decided to Let You Go - Chapter 77

Of course, God is always the cruelest to me.

A hollow feeling spread through her chest like a cold wind. The brilliant sun that once lit the path ahead disappeared in a blink, and even the faintest light she had once clung to quietly died out.

Now, all Natasha had left were the empty shells of her hopes and dreams, worn and lifeless.

Long strands of golden hair hung like a curtain across her vision, dimly obscuring the sight of Sieghart. The background blurred around him, even though her vision shouldn’t have been foggy.

Don’t cry. If you cry, you lose. Just close your eyes. Don’t be weak.

She repeated those words to herself and squeezed her eyes shut.

“So, that’s what it was. You treated me like a person, just barely. I thought it was strange. You were never the kind of man to do that. Kayeina and Kail Letius are still acting exactly the same as they did in our last life. So why were you the only one who changed?”

Her voice shook, as if even breathing had become difficult.

“You were the one who made me suffer the most in my past life. And yet, in this one, you were completely different.”

“…”

“You didn’t change. You just reversed your actions. You held back the things you once did to kill me. That’s all it was.”

She had been speaking to herself, letting the words spill without thinking. Then suddenly, she stopped. Her eyes, which had been fixed on her feet, slowly lifted. The dim lighting cast shadows that hid his face.

But Natasha had drawn that face so many times. She knew its shape, its lines, by memory alone. She stared at the space where she knew his eyes would be.

“Now that I think about it, I never said this to you before. Sieghart, I…”

“…”

“I hate you. Deeply.”

And with that, she finally confessed.

Unable to withstand her outburst, Sieghart left the room. He gave strict instructions to the servants to remain silent, then staggered as soon as he stepped away. The shock was clear in his steps.

Fresh bandages had been wrapped around his feet. Even though Natasha had hit his face and shoulders in a frantic struggle, he had said nothing. He simply stayed with her and treated her wounds.

Now alone, she sat quietly, dazed.

Everything felt unreal. It was as if the entire world had been lying to her. She couldn’t help but wonder if God was testing her.

Oh no, what now?

A mocking voice laughed quietly in her ear.

It wasn’t the familiar voice she sometimes heard in moments of doubt. This was different. This was the voice she hadn’t heard since the day she spent grieving with Sieghart, on her family’s memorial day.

You pathetic girl. I told you, didn’t I? Just because he was kind to you, that doesn’t mean he’s different. So, how does it feel to be betrayed again? You were fooled by him in the last life, and now again in this one. You never learn, do you?

Natasha clutched her ears as if the sound itself hurt.

I don’t want to hear it. Even if it’s my own voice, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to listen to anything that cuts me with truth.

She shook her head, trying to silence it. But the voice only grew stronger, echoing deep in her mind.

Isn’t it funny? The man who destroyed us was also the one who created us.

“Stop it, please stop…”

All your pain started with him. Poor me, poor Tisha. If only he hadn’t been kind to you, you wouldn’t be suffering like this. Right?

That voice knew exactly where to strike. It knew what hurt the most, and it didn’t hesitate.

He gave you hope, only to shatter it. Classic move. And you fell for it again.

Everything it said was something Natasha already knew deep down. But hearing it aloud, even in her own voice, made it unbearable.

Memories rose up, uninvited. A bitter smell filled her nose. Heavy mist, like smoke, wrapped around her like a blanket.

Soon, two shadowy figures formed in front of her.

So, I had to hear it from the butler? That my wife met with the emperor while I was gone? How do you think that made me feel?

It was the day she had met with Kail Letius. Sieghart, sent on a sudden mission by the emperor’s schemes, had come rushing back after hearing the news and confronted her.

What was that, really? A performance, pretending to care?

You want to be happy. Your conditions for marrying me were for the sake of a better future, weren’t they?

“…”

Then live, Natasha Aschart.

She remembered it so clearly. On the day of the knighting ceremony, when she had been poisoned and was dying, Sieghart had used something precious just to bring her back.

What was that?

Why did he go so far just to save her?

If it was truly out of concern for her, then he should have done the same in their past life.

Even when she was blackmailed by Kail Letius, even when the ducal servants isolated and mistreated her, he hadn’t blinked an eye. So why now?

Please believe me. Forget my past, my sins, your hatred, and all the wrong between us. Just trust in my plea, in my apology.

…

Believe only that. Just that, Natasha.

He had asked her to believe him.

He told her that if she could believe, that would be enough.

He asked her to let go of everything, his past, his guilt, her hatred and believe in the sincerity of the man standing in front of her.

And yet, how could he betray her?

Was this really the result of her trust? Wasn’t this the one outcome that wasn’t supposed to happen?

“Are you really hiding the truth for me, Sieghart?”

…

“Is it truly for my sake? Because that truth might hurt me? Then let me ask you… are you confident that you can keep that ugly truth hidden forever?”

If he had already decided to lie, then he should have committed to it completely.

If he was going to deceive her, if he was going to manipulate her, if he was going to drag her down into the darkness, then he should have at least made her believe that where she stood was not a pit, but paradise.

The truth is, Sieghart had plenty of chances to come clean. Natasha, who never fully trusted him, had tested him many times.

But every time, he had slipped away, pretending not to understand, evading the moment with practiced skill.

Even now, even today, he still hadn’t answered her. He only stood there, watching her fall deeper, and then left, having done only what was expected of a husband.

So? How does it feel now that you finally understand? You told yourself he was different, but he never was. Can you feel the sting of facing the truth you tried so hard to deny?

“…”

The man from your past life wasn’t someone who could ever be forgiven, right? The one who pretended to love you, only to discard you the moment the ceremony ended. The same man who refused to help you when you were begging Kail Letius to spare your life. The one who mocked your bloodline, then didn’t care at all when you knelt in front of the emperor in shame.

“I know! I remember! So please, stop!”

Natasha screamed into empty space. But the voice didn’t fade. It only grew clearer. The cold laughter of a younger Natasha Aschart echoed around her, as if mocking her despair.

She kept whispering, go away, disappear, again and again. The voice hadn’t been real for some time now, but she still heard its echo in her mind.

“Please, be quiet, Natasha Aschart…”

Suddenly, she realized something.

She couldn’t push the voice away anymore.

The dock that once held back the crashing waves had broken. The fortress that shielded her from piercing arrows and knives had collapsed.

There was no one left to block out the voices of despair, no one to catch her trembling body in the dark, no one to press their lips to hers and still her anxious breath.

Sieghart Aschart.

That man was no longer…

The Duchess was said to be suffering from a high fever, brought on by the sudden cold snap. Staff were told not to enter her bedroom, warned that the illness might be contagious.

Only Meliana, who had stood outside that door and heard everything, and the attending physician, who had to check her condition, knew the truth.

But even they didn’t know everything. They only guessed that her condition was the result of some resurfaced trauma. That was all they could assume.

Meliana brought two mute maids to help care for Natasha. They dressed her, cleaned her, and kept her company.

Meliana’s main task was to sit beside her and talk. Natasha didn’t seem to pay attention most of the time, but now and then, when something interesting came up, she would show a slight reaction.

She barely ate. Even when they begged her to eat for the sake of her health, even when they forced food into her mouth, she would vomit just minutes later.

Eventually, she stopped eating altogether. She didn’t even drink water. She was slowly starting to resemble Kayeina Ten—a woman who had once abandoned all purpose and will to live.

Then, it happened.

As usual, Meliana brought a silent maid with her to check on the Duchess. She knocked several times at the door, but there was no answer. She waited, quietly battling the silence for several long minutes.

Then, overcome by unease, she pushed the door open.

There, limp like a lifeless doll, lay the Duchess.

Panicked, Meliana rushed to her and gently cupped her face, begging her to wake up. But no matter how desperately she cried, Natasha’s eyes did not open.

There was no sign that they ever would.

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