It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 8.6

The vision that filled his sight this time was a pitifully thin Ines, so frail that at a glance, no one would even think she was pregnant.

 

Rayan unconsciously brushed his son’s cheek. He repeated a thought he had had thousands of times already.

 

“They said it was a difficult birth…”

 

Would it have hurt less for Ines if he had turned back even once then? Would the child have been born healthier?

 

Caesar grabbed the hem of his sleeve.

 

“Father.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Caesar sometimes asked questions that struck right to the heart.

 

Rayan collected his scattered thoughts and replied a beat later.

 

“Of course I am. Where were we in our conversation?”

 

“I want to go out into the capital. I want to see the streets and the people walking around.”

 

“Then let’s go the day after tomorrow. I have to stop by the Imperial Palace tomorrow, so I can’t.”

 

“I can go with Berry and Kian.”

 

“Caesar.”

 

At his stern call, the boy immediately looked downcast. When he fell silent, so did everything else.

 

Such silence was never good for Rayan.

 

The child sitting on his lap with shining eyes, the sound of the carriage rolling, the bumpy shaking—

 

His senses quickly dulled, and even his breathing stopped along with his thoughts.

 

Rayan’s hand unconsciously reached for his left waist.

 

He already knew the most effective way to regain his senses in times like this. Kill someone.

 

Whether it was enemy soldiers, savages threatening the nation, or con artists who deceived him—

 

Only the sensation of piercing human skin could release him from this agonizing state of emptiness.

 

The rumors that Grand Duke Eleanor had gone mad were not just idle gossip.

 

Even after he cut off Emperor Jenaire’s head and returned after achieving everything he had set out for, he could no longer be the same Rayan Eleanor.

 

He thought everything would make sense once he caught the sorcerers of Jenaire, but it had been a delusion.

 

After the war, there was very little left for him to grasp.

 

He unconsciously pulled the child on his lap into his arms.

 

“…Caesar, you’re not hurt anywhere, right?”

 

“No.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really. Father, can’t we really go out tomorrow?”

 

“…”

 

His son’s voice faded again.

 

Since returning from Jenaire, Rayan had grown increasingly anxious. He had to find Ines and see her face as soon as possible.

 

Even one day sooner.

 

He was still burning through life.

 

But as time passed, it wasn’t just his life that was being worn away.

 

The rationality that had once been terrifyingly cold and solid was now breaking down faster and faster.

 

It’s not the past trauma that truly drives people insane.

 

It’s not self-loathing, or longing for the dead, or even guilt.

 

It’s false hope.

 

<They say they know not just her hair and eye color, but also her height, build, and even detailed physical traits. Your Grace, this time it’s certain.>

 

“This time it’s real”—words he had heard once a month, every month.

 

Maybe, perhaps, truly—at first, he had rushed out without a shred of doubt. And then he despaired. And got fooled, again and again.

 

Rayan was not a man who tolerated betrayal. So wherever he went, it turned into a bloodbath worse than an execution ground.

 

Rayan looked down at his other hand, the one not holding his son.

 

Even after repeating that act dozens of times, not once did he feel guilt.

 

Whenever a single line of information arrived from the intelligence guild, he left the estate like a trained dog.

 

It had become routine.

 

Moreover, his false hope was fueled not only by sightings from all over the duchy and the empire, but also by the visions that had started to appear again recently.

 

Ines—who hadn’t appeared even once in the past two years—had started showing up more often in recent days.

 

In his mind, the woman who had once been his wife was now hiding from him in corners.

 

His wife glared at him like he was insane.

 

Ines ran from him into the shadows.

 

“…No, that can’t be.”

 

In the vision, he grabbed the fleeing woman by the arm and dragged her back to his side.

 

Don’t go. You’re not going anywhere. Even if you die, die here. I’ll give you everything, just stay by my side for a moment…

 

Just a moment.

 

It felt like something was being shouted at him in full force, but he couldn’t hear it clearly.

 

His face, always like a statue, now cracked slightly.

 

“I’m going insane.”

 

He knew he wasn’t normal.

 

Eventually, Rayan removed Caesar from his arms and placed him on the seat beside him.

 

“Tomorrow… Fine. Tomorrow. Let’s go see the capital together, okay?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“We’ll start moving again now. Once you wake up from your nap, we’ll be there.”

 

The young boy looked up at him with puzzled eyes, then nodded.

 

Leaving the boy behind, Rayan hurried out of the carriage.

 

The wind outside was hot and dry, mixed with dust.

 

As he approached his horse and grabbed the sword hanging on the saddle, the guards tensed in alarm.

 

Thankfully, their lord did not draw it.

 

With a faint frown, Rayan pressed a finger to his temple, then mounted his horse.

 

“We move.”

 

At their master’s low command, the halted procession began to move again.

 

The capital of Lezan, Randeva, was now just ahead.

 

 

That Wednesday, Ines went out to the city center with the count and countess.

 

After spending time with them, she planned to go see the statue of Eucalyptus with Clara, using the excuse of wanting to look around town a bit more.

 

“That was our Celia’s favorite restaurant. Let’s eat lunch, then stop by the dress shop.”

 

“Yes… Father.”

 

Calling Count Irope “Father” still felt awkward and somewhat guilty. She wasn’t truly his daughter.

 

But she didn’t want to hurt the count and countess, who loved their daughter so dearly.

 

Ines pushed past the awkwardness and did her best to continue the conversation with them.

 

As the carriage entered the city center, the countess smiled and opened the window.

 

“How does it feel to be back, Randeva?”

 

“It’s really… flashy and full of life.”

 

Outside, the crowded streets of the capital passed by.

 

The fifteen years of conflict with Jenaire had been the darkest in Lezan’s history.

 

But since last autumn, when the flags of the allied nations were raised over Jenaire’s imperial palace, the lives of Lezan’s people had begun to recover.

 

Street musicians playing Lezan’s anthem, children holding hands on errands, women carrying baskets of food home—

 

Ines’s eyes darted everywhere.

 

Everything looked unfamiliar.

 

It felt like the first time she’d seen such peace and vibrancy since her brief stay in Hailan.

 

Did she ever witness such a scene in the memories she lost?

 

“If you feel even a little tired or your head hurts, say so right away, Celia. Understood?”

 

“Yes, Father.”

 

Ines barely heard the count’s continued concerns as she kept looking out the window.

 

“Amazing…”

 

When the carriage stopped briefly, Ines made eye contact with someone.

 

It was a young girl standing by the roadside.

 

Maybe around seven or eight years old, her arms full of flowers.

 

As soon as their eyes met, the girl’s eyes widened, then she smiled brightly.

 

“Buy some flowers, miss!”

 

There were many children selling newspapers, flowers, or freshly baked bread in the streets.

 

But for some reason, Ines’s eyes were drawn only to that girl.

 

She leaned out the window a little.

 

“…Hello?”

 

The girl had her plain brown hair tied in pigtails—not particularly special in any way.

 

When Ines greeted her, the girl gave a deep bow with a big smile.

 

“Hello! You’re very beautiful, miss!”

 

“Ah… thank you.”

 

Ines smiled awkwardly. The girl held out the flowers in her arms to her.

 

“I have lots of pretty spring flowers just like you!”

 

“Which one is the prettiest?”

 

“Today, the anemones are the prettiest. Their meaning is… a little sad, but still…”

 

“What’s their meaning?”

 

“Hopeless love.”

 

Ines paused. It seemed like a tragic meaning for a flower.

 

Noticing her hesitation, the girl quickly added,

 

“There are other meanings too! Anemones are famous for having many. For example…”

 

Ines waited quietly for her to continue. But the girl didn’t speak right away.

 

For a brief moment, the clear eyes looking up at her seemed to deepen.

 

Just as Ines was about to ask again—

 

“…Thank you for staying by my side all this time.”

 

The girl’s face was hidden behind the large bouquet, so her expression couldn’t be seen.

 

“I will love you forever.”

 

“…Is that a flower meaning too?”

 

“Yes!”

 

The girl answered cheerfully again.

 

A strange sense of déjà vu washed over Ines. She instinctively reached out to the bouquet the girl was holding.

 

She wanted to move the flowers and see the girl’s face, but the child was too far for her to reach.

 

No matter how much she stretched her hand, she couldn’t reach without leaning out further.

 

“I’ll take some. One bunch of anemones, please.”

 

“Okay!”

 

The girl replied brightly. Ines tried to recall the strange feeling from earlier.

 

Kind, but eerie. Frightening, yet warm…

 

“It really felt familiar somehow, like I’ve seen it before…”

 

But the feeling passed too quickly. Ines instinctively pressed a hand to her left chest.

 

A sharp, aching pain clenched her heart—and with it, a foreign memory suddenly rose to the surface.

 

<…Okay.>

 

It was a memory she had never recalled until now.