It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 12.11

Ines stayed in Rayan’s arms for a while, listening to the words he poured out in confusion.

 

“You cried like that, slept as if you’d never wake up again… You don’t know what kind of thoughts I had. You don’t know, that’s why you’re acting like this.”

 

“…”

 

“And after all that, the first thing you do is come all the way out here at dawn?”

 

When she had lost her memory, she had thought his behavior was just an odd obsession. But now, it all became clearer.

 

Rayan couldn’t bear the idea of her disappearing from his side—more than ever before. Because it triggered a vivid trauma in him…

 

He once said that when he remembered the day she vanished from the chapel in Eleanor, he felt like dying.

 

“If you wanted to come to the chapel, you could’ve told me. Why go alone and put yourself in danger? You even cried from how hard it was, so why come all the way out here in that condition?”

 

“How far are you going to make me go around in circles…?”

 

His blue eyes gradually calmed. Ines reached out and brushed his hair.

 

“…I just… woke up at dawn and felt suffocated. I thought I’d take a short walk.”

 

“A walk? From there to here? Don’t say such ridiculous things…”

 

“I just wanted to walk. That’s all. It didn’t mean anything.”

 

There were fifteen days and two more until the pilgrimage group departed. As she recalled the time left, Ines slowly pulled away from his embrace.

 

The rising morning sunlight brightly lit her tear-stained face. Her green eyes reflected the sun shining across her features.

 

“…I love you.”

 

Looking into her face, Rayan muttered as if that was the only thing he could say.

 

“I love you. You too… can’t you say it back?”

 

He was the man who had searched all over the rendezvous point from dawn with crazed eyes, looking for her. When he spoke of love, he looked like someone being strangled by the weight of that emotion, as if he were dying.

 

“I’m so scared, Ines. Even after holding you in my arms, none of it goes away.”

 

“…”

 

“I don’t know what you’re thinking. You weren’t like this before, but now I can’t read you at all, and that terrifies me. I’m scared I’ll lose control. I don’t even know what I might do…”

 

He looked like he was only half in his right mind.

 

“I love you. You said you wanted me. You said you only wanted to think about me.”

 

“…”

 

“It’s not exactly the same, but it’s close, right? Right?”

 

“….”

 

“Even if you don’t mean it, just say you love me. Say you’ll stay with me, Ines… please…”

 

He pressed his forehead to hers. A tear that had gathered on his lashes dropped onto Ines’s right cheek.

 

‘He seemed like someone who would never change.’

 

Ines wiped the tear from her cheek, thinking about how terrifying the power of death could be.

 

The man who approached her wearing the mask of a savior and completely ruined her life.

 

The man who only changed after she died.

 

Ines still hated him.

 

She hated him so much it couldn’t be put into words. It was beyond the vague discomfort she had once felt.

 

Could it really be possible to hate someone this much?

 

Could someone’s heart be torn to such shreds?

 

She hated him. And she also hated herself for being swayed again by a man like him.

 

It always came back to him. She had said they shouldn’t meet even in the next life, but Rayan had thrown away even that desperate plea and found her again.

 

…Why again. Why!

 

Her vision began to burn white with rage. Why won’t you let me go? I even ran away through death, and still—!

 

Ines bit the inside of her lip until it bled.

 

‘I won’t save you.’

 

She would escape. When he was finally relaxed, finally blind with happiness, believing he had her back by his side—she would run away from him forever.

 

She hoped that man would suffer for the rest of his life.

 

Miss her. Despair over a love that wouldn’t reach her. Cry. Break down miserably.

 

Ines wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his trembling lips.

 

Rayan blinked blankly. Despite his effort to wipe them away, tears fell fast and wet her cheek again.

 

Ines whispered softly, their lips barely touching, so he couldn’t see the expression on her face.

 

“I love you.”

 

To him, there was probably no sweeter phrase. No better way to push him into heaven.

 

Now, for the sake of calming him down and giving him peace, there was nothing Ines wouldn’t do.

 

If it meant giving him the greatest despair and finally freeing herself from Rayan forever, she would sell her soul to the devil.

 

So what was a fake confession of love, in comparison?

 

“I love you. I’m sorry I made you worry. I didn’t really have other thoughts, but maybe I was careless.”

 

So easy.

 

“Let’s go back now. Caesar will wake up soon. If neither of us are there, he might be surprised…”

 

“One more time.”

 

Rayan quickly cut her off.

 

“What you just said… what you said just now. Just one more time.”

 

He urged her desperately, his eyes boring into hers, trying to judge whether she was lying or telling the truth.

 

“I love you. I didn’t want to admit it before, so I held back…”

 

Ines recalled her nineteen-year-old self—young and naive. The fool who thought him coming to her at night was love. She layered that girl over who she was now.

 

Admiration for a wonderful, strong, brilliant, beautiful ruler. Innocence. Love. She showed him all of it in her eyes.

 

“I love you, Rayan. I won’t disappear without a word again, so don’t worry. I promise nothing like this will happen again.”

 

Rayan, who had been frozen, breathless, listening to her, slowly showed joy in his eyes.

 

“Really? You’re not just saying that, right…?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Lying was that easy.

 

This man had probably always found it this easy too.

 

Now it was Rayan’s turn—to be comforted by someone’s lies, feel safe, feel happy, and then fall into ruin.

 

‘I, truly, hate you so much…’

 

Ines closed her eyes as he kissed her again and again.

 

The thoughts she had forced herself to stop didn’t return.

 

 

As soon as Ines returned to the mansion, she was examined by Robert.

 

Rayan seemed convinced that something must be wrong with her legs just because she had walked nonstop for a few hours.

 

“Shouldn’t she take some medicine? Didn’t you say she had dehydration symptoms before too?”

 

Thanks to the ancient language’s healing power that Ines had used here and there, her feet were fine and her stamina hadn’t dropped much either—but Rayan wouldn’t let it go.

 

“I’m sure something’s wrong…”

 

“She has no fever, no body aches, and everything is fine, Your Grace. She just needs to gain a bit of weight and strengthen her immune system. And drink water often. Right, child?”

 

Ines nodded. Rayan still looked dissatisfied with Robert’s diagnosis, but gave in after a glance from her.

 

“…Alright. I’ll have breakfast brought to the bedroom. Let’s eat here with Caesar.”

 

“Yes.”

 

When Rayan left briefly to wake up Caesar, only Ines and Robert were left in the room. Robert spoke first.

 

“So, Ines.”

 

His wrinkled old hand rested on hers.

 

“Aren’t you going to tell me what you’re thinking?”

 

Ines slowly looked up and met his kind eyes. As soon as she did, her voice flowed out as if it had been waiting.

 

“I want to go back.”

 

“Go back where?”

 

“To Hailan in Apael… that port city where your herb shop was. But it doesn’t have to be exactly there. Anywhere is fine. As long as it’s not Lezan or Eleanor.”

 

A new light appeared in Robert’s eyes as he studied her face carefully.

 

“…When did you remember everything?”

 

Even without her answer, Robert knew that was why she had suddenly disappeared last night.

 

In truth, Robert had been torn for a while. Just being here with the Grand Duke, he thought, might be deceiving Ines. But he also wondered if maybe not remembering painful memories would be better for her.

 

Still, as long as Ines kept questioning herself, it was only a matter of time. It was a trial she would eventually have to face. Better to get past it quickly and move forward.

 

Her resolve seemed firm now. Without hesitation, Robert asked,

 

“Have you talked to the little master?”

 

“Yes. Last night…”

 

“That’s a relief, but Ines, the Grand Duke won’t let you and the young master go so easily.”

 

“I’m not planning to get his permission. There’s no need—and he wouldn’t listen anyway.”

 

“Then you’re planning to escape? This mansion is his little kingdom, child. There are too many eyes watching. You know better than anyone that he never takes his eyes off you.”

 

“I know. That’s why I have to blind him.”

 

A hint of sarcasm passed through Ines’s blue eyes.

 

When someone is drunk on happiness right in front of them, they can easily miss the bigger picture.

 

Fortunately, she had gained more than enough trust from him over the past month. If she used the remaining time well, she could tame him even more.

 

It had taken a detour, but it was working.

 

“A pilgrimage group is departing for Jenaire in the middle of next month. His Majesty said he’d try to distract Rayan around then. If I use that moment to get out of the mansion, that’s all I need.”

 

“The Grand Duke is sharper and more suspicious than you think. His mind moves fast—you must not underestimate him.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

Unlike the deeply worried Robert, Ines was rather calm. She didn’t think escaping this place was impossible.

 

“Even if the plan falls apart and I get caught… it’s fine. He’ll never be able to hold onto me.”

 

“Never?”

 

“Yes. I know exactly what would make him let me go. If it comes to it, I’ll use that.”

 

There’s a saying: the one who loves more, loses.

 

If so, Ines had become the perfect winner.

 

 

 

“Alright. Then I’ll take care of the rest of the preparations. Even if we’re only going as far as Apael, it’ll still take about fifteen days.”

 

Robert hesitated for a moment, then added more.

 

“And instead of Hailan, the southern region—Seldor—might be better. I’ve lived in Hailan for over 50 years, and I really don’t want to go back there. I’m sick of it.”

 

“Seldor…”

 

Robert knew that Ines didn’t remember Hailan as a place of perfect peace. Ines gently bit her lip.

 

Naturally, the memory of standing dazed among the angry crowd in Hailan flashed through her mind.

 

As Ines’s hand slightly trembled, Robert patted the back of it and continued.

 

“It’s not as crowded as Hailan, but it’s a quiet and peaceful town. Neia and Ronya are running a teahouse there right now. You could open a small herb shop next to them and live there.”

 

The hostile hundreds of eyes began to fade from her mind, and in front of Ines, the scene of a small port town by the sea came vividly to life. A memory of walking by the docks while hearing seagulls cry overlapped with it.

 

As Ines only managed a slight nod, Robert placed his wrinkled hand on her back.

 

“Now that your wings have finally grown so beautifully… Honestly, wherever you go, your life can continue—10 years, 20 years, 30 years and more. Don’t you think so?”

 

Robert gently stroked and patted her thin back. Tears, which she thought had stopped since two nights ago, shimmered again in her blue eyes.

 

“Yes…”

 

Ines nodded while wiping the tears that wet her cheeks.

 

This time for sure.

 

“Yes, Robert…”

 

While Rayan had gone for just a moment to wake up the sleeping child, Ines wrote a letter to Edgar and handed it to Robert.

 

The letter would be sent to the flower shop across from the Eucalyptus statue, and Edgar would soon know of her decision.

 

There were exactly seventeen days left until the day Ines would leave this place.