It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 10.13

Physical Relationship

 

There was a time when just standing in front of Rayan would overwhelm Ines with the lustful atmosphere he gave off. But now, even repeating that word to herself didn’t stir any feelings.

 

Ines calmly thought things through while he was away for a moment.
Rayan Eleanor’s temperament, the fact that he was a king who had never lacked anything, and even the only memory that came to mind—their first kiss…
Still, she couldn’t imagine him being gentle in bed.

 

In fact, it felt like he wouldn’t be gentle at all.
He would probably be rough and forceful, focused only on satisfying his own desires without considering her at all.

 

So it was killing two birds with one stone. Ines gave a dry smile, tugging at the corners of her lips.

 

She wanted to give him a sense of security.
She wanted to give him what he wanted the most, to make him feel at ease—and then, to find out everything he was hiding.
Her memories, her son, the secret of her birth, her powers—everything.

 

And on the other hand, Ines wanted to be deeply disappointed in him.
Relying only on her instincts in the absence of her memories made her feel sympathy for him.
The moment she realized she was thinking about going easy on him because his desperate, tearful look seemed pitiful, she felt a chill run down her spine.

 

The fact that her heart wavered, even for a moment, was more shocking than being half-imprisoned in this place.

 

To keep from falling, she needed a clear reason. A reason to hate Rayan and to never give him a piece of her heart.

 

So she hoped it would hurt—hurt like hell.
Ines stepped into his reach with her own two feet.

 

“I hope it hurts so much it makes me tremble.”

 

So that she could truly hate him from the bottom of her heart.
So that she could be sure he wasn’t even worth looking back at.

 

Ines walked right up to him and pushed against his chest with force.
Surprisingly, he didn’t fall back but resisted. Still, he was stunned by her emotionless words.

 

“I don’t know why a man with more than one woman would want a body like this.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“If you want again what I gave you before, I’ll give it to you. It’s not that hard.”

 

So handle me roughly. Don’t hold back even if I cry or get hurt. Push through.
Ines had no doubt he wouldn’t let this opportunity slip away.

 

“Just like you used to. Just like we used to be.”

 

“No.”

 

Rayan quickly cut her off.

 

He didn’t even know where to begin correcting her—his mind was in chaos.
What had she just said?

 

First of all, she said he must have had more than one woman…

 

He grabbed her hand that had been trying to push him, gripping it tightly, and finally managed to say something.

 

“You’re the only one.”

 

It seemed like a very unfamiliar phrase to her. Ines blinked a few times, trying to understand his words, then replied coolly.

 

“Of course, I was your only wife. There’s no record of any other duchess. But that’s not what I meant.”

 

“I know what you meant. I do. But it’s the truth.”

 

“…”

 

“Back then, now, and from now on, you’re the only woman in my life, Ines.”

 

She now had a suspicious look on her face.
It was clear she hadn’t even considered the possibility.

 

Rayan silently cursed himself and forced his lips to move.

 

“You were the first woman I ever slept with.”

 

“…”

 

“And the first woman I admitted I loved…”

 

It was too late, but Rayan anxiously wet his lips.

 

“There’s never been another woman. Not before I met you. Not after. I’ve never even looked at anyone else. That’s the truth.”

 

Honestly, if Rayan had loved someone before her, or had lived a promiscuous life, it might have been easier for Ines to accept.

 

Rayan himself still wasn’t sure whether his feelings for her had started as love or lust.
When he remembered how he searched the continent for six months after one kiss and spent six years obsessed with holding her like an addict—he must have been driven by lust.

 

But before that, he had never been that uncontrollably aroused. No one had ever made him feel as intensely as Ines did.

 

It was like he could only find peace when she was near.

 

When he thought about that, maybe it really was love first.

 

Either way, he only reacted to Ines. To him, it felt like an inescapable law of nature.

 

“I told you. You’re the only one. The only one who makes me this pathetic.”

 

“And…”

 

Seeing she still didn’t quite believe him made Rayan’s mouth go dry.

 

“You’re more beautiful than any woman I’ve ever seen.”

 

That line finally broke through Ines’s calm exterior.
She could tell from the way he stared at her—like he was possessed—that he was completely sincere.

 

“It’s hard to look away once I see you. It’s been like that since the beginning. You’re so much more beautiful than that body you used to wear—it doesn’t even compare. So don’t say it’s just ‘a body like this.’”

 

Ines bit her lip.
Everything he just said was far from the reaction she had wanted.

 

“He’s not supposed to act like this.”

 

How could someone so full of lust have eyes that sincere?

 

“In the end, I’m just an illegitimate child.”

 

“…”

 

“You’re giving way too high praise to a woman who’s like a rat gnawing at House Eleanor, Your Grace. And now, it’s too late.”

 

Ines emphasized the title “Your Grace” on purpose.
Belittling herself was partly to hurt him, but more than that, it was a form of self-defense.

 

She and he stood on different ground. He was the predator, she the prey.

 

Act like someone at the top of the food chain. Don’t look at me like I’m so lovely it’s driving you crazy. Crush me and treat me roughly.

 

Ines glared at him and muttered,

 

“Don’t think I know nothing just because I lost my memory. You treated me like a prostitute from the street.”

 

Everyone in the capital and high society already whispered about the Duke and the late Duchess’s relationship.

 

“Does saying I was your first and only woman make up for that?”

 

“An excuse… Yeah. I guess it is an excuse. A flimsy, pathetic one.”

 

“Then you must also know I’m not going to think highly of that excuse. I mean… It’d be ridiculous for someone like me to have complaints, wouldn’t it?”

 

Ines just blurted things out.

 

“I got to live in a ducal palace that most people wouldn’t even dream of. I was even the Duke’s first woman. I should be thankful, right? Isn’t that right?”

 

“…”

 

“If you come, I should just accept it. If you leave, I should just wait. Saying nothing. It’s only natural. I mean, the Duke himself took a liking to me.”

 

“…”

 

“I can still do it.”

 

But the more she talked, the weirder she felt.

 

Ines had always been from a lowly background, but she never really pitied herself.

 

She had always dreamed of happiness and hoped for a better tomorrow. Even when everyone pushed her toward misery, she believed she shouldn’t do the same to herself.

 

“You say this body looks beautiful to you. Then go ahead and hold me like you used to.”

 

“…”

 

“In the end, all you want from me is just that. My value to you is just… that kind of…”

 

But the more she said it, the more pitiful she felt.
“Why am I doing this?”
What was she trying to confirm?

 

Ines bit her lip hard, swallowing her confusion.

 

Rayan’s green eyes trembled with pain as he looked at her. After a long silence, he finally let out a low groan and rubbed his dry face.

 

“Hate me. Hit me if you want. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d die by your hand. You can do anything to me…”

 

“…”

 

“But stop hurting yourself like this.”

 

“…”

 

“I won’t touch you. I understand why you see me that way. And while it’d be a lie to say I don’t want you…”

 

He had planned to stay in this place for days, no matter how she rejected him—no matter how much she cried or fought him.

 

He had even decided which part of his body to stab next to get even a shred of sympathy from her.

 

If that didn’t work, he was ready to tie her up if he had to.

 

But all of that only had meaning if Ines looked at him with her eyes wide open.

 

The moment he saw her collapsed so pitifully, all those twisted thoughts crumbled to dust.
Rayan’s voice cracked roughly.

 

“How could I dare hold you right now?”

 

“…”

 

“You’re hurt. And I can clearly see you don’t want me. So how could I?”

 

There was still a coldness coming from her.
Her body looked like it could break at any moment, driving all the desire out of him and leaving only fear. He muttered, frustrated,

 

“Maybe I’ll always be like this. I’ll keep going into heat like a dog every time I see you, aching every day, but in the end, I probably won’t even be able to touch you.
And that’s fine.
Because that’s not the only thing I want from you.”

 

In the past two years, while enduring painful hope, Rayan had imagined hundreds, even thousands of things he wanted to do with Ines if they ever met again.

 

A physical relationship? Of course. That was one of them.
But it was never all of it.

 

Those two things could never mean the same.