I Refuse This Life, Your Highness! - Chapter 58

Leia,  it was only natural that she hated me.

Maybe there had been some kind of deal, but the regression, which I thought would end with one life, had been extended to seven because I kept dying. If I were in her shoes, I would have said outright that I hated someone on the first meeting though, of course, we weren’t really meeting for the first time.

The memories of past lives shared only by the Duke and Leia.

“Your Highness.”

“Yes?”

“How was I in the past life?”

“Hmm… You weren’t much different from now. But, it seemed like your personality was slowly changing. According to Leia, even if you don’t remember, memories accumulate in the subconscious.”

I recalled how Leia’s demeanor and personality were completely different from when we first met. If I could notice it without remembering, how much more must the Duke have noticed?

“…Is it possible for me to recover the memories from my past lives?”

“That… it’s possible, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Why not?”

“Leia and I just kept repeating the same time. But you died every time.”

“…”

“It would be hard for you.”

“…I don’t want just you and Leia to know.”

“Yurein.”

It was true. Even if the memories of death lingered, I wanted to recall the Duke’s image that I didn’t know. If I stayed like this, unaware of everything, it would feel like…

“It seems like Your Highness spent past lives with someone else.”

That was it. The version of me in those past lives with the Duke didn’t feel like me. Even if the Duke was the same as Isis Perion, the question of whether I remembered or not was important.

The time the Duke struggled to save me, which I didn’t know and hadn’t experienced, felt like a time lived by someone else.

I didn’t like that.

“…Alright.”

The Duke lifted me in his arms and returned me to the hot bathtub. By now, my body had completely cooled, and my fingertips and toes felt cold. The hot water pricked my skin as it seeped in. The Duke poured salt and oils from the tub’s edge into the water.

“I’ll have Leia come. She’ll restore your memories.”

I nodded. Even as I agreed, I felt a bit tense. But…

“Are you sure this is really okay?”

“It’s fine.”

I had once had the memory of my head being severed. Even if my memories of death shifted over several lives, it wouldn’t change much… or rather, it would change drastically, but it would still be okay.

The Duke had been there every time, watching.

The hot blood surged up. My eyes, nose, mouth, and ears—all of them were hot. It was impossible to tell whether the sensation was hot or cold. Blood poured from my nose. I thought I was crying, but blood was also flowing from my eyes. I collapsed.

It was the end of my second life. I saw Erma smiling while holding a poisoned cup of tea. There was no one else. It seemed that in the second life, the Duke wasn’t by my side when I died. I drank the tea Erma gave me and was poisoned to death.

The third… I committed suicide. I jumped from the southern watchtower of the Duke’s castle. Just as I did, the door to the tower opened, and the Duke rushed out. Desperately, he bent down, trying to grab my hand, but I pulled my arm back. The fall was instantaneous. Erma, avoiding the Duke’s gaze, continued tormenting me. The cruelty of the abuse in the third life was the worst. It was unbearable to the point where I couldn’t live.

But it wasn’t all pain. In the second and third lives, the Duke was kinder than in the first. But, like the first, I was still abused. As the Duke’s attention increased, the abuse became more subtle. The Duke’s departures became less frequent, but Erma still found ways to drain my energy, even when he was at the castle.

All of this was possible because the Duke trusted Erma.

By the fourth life, I began to resist Erma. At first, it was slight, but slowly I gained strength. In the fifth life, I was able to stand up to Erma, though it wasn’t easy.

And in this life, I taught Erma, humiliated him, and acted boldly in front of him. This was all because the memories of past lives that I couldn’t recall had subtly influenced me.

Would it be laughable to say it gave me courage?

The Duke was interesting. From the second life on, he always took me to various places in Iser. Every time, the places we went and the tasks grew more numerous. I remembered how, in this life, it felt as if he were showing me the beautiful places in Iser as part of some task. Was he trying to relive things he had done with me in past lives that I couldn’t remember? Perhaps, to plant those memories again.

He did everything in his power to prevent things from unfolding like the future he had seen. But, as always, the prophecy finds those who try to avoid it, and no matter how hard he tried, I died.

In every life, Visen had always been an agent. While I accepted Erma, I sometimes thought it was strange that Visen, too, tormented me so much. He had been the Emperor’s agent, which explained why, together with Erma, he relentlessly pushed me.

And this time, the Duke didn’t suddenly send Visen to the border, but rather, since the third life, he always sent him first and followed to handle things.

Throughout the past lives, the Duke always had a desperate look on his face. He knew I was going to die. And perhaps, the Duke suffered, watching me die just like in the dream he had seen. When I died for the first time, he lifted my neck and said:

• No, Yurein.

I think it was from that moment that he… didn’t hate me.

As I lived through each life, I gradually accepted the Duke.

At first, it was simply admiration. A heart that bloomed brightly the first time I saw his face. From there, with each life, the feelings deepened. Like a seed falling and taking a long time to sprout—this feeling grew over time…

And here we are now.

The countless memories of the lives I had forgotten were stacking up inside me.

Despite the Duke’s efforts to change the future, I died every time. Drowned, faked a hanging, and was struck by the Emperor’s sword. I repeated the same life five times after the first death, and here we are now.

Sometimes, I felt a strange sense of discomfort in the Duke’s behavior. At times, when something serious should have been discussed, he would just brush it off, or he would know things I hadn’t explained. The Duke was also confused.

What was certain was that I hadn’t grown stronger because I died and came back, but rather, I had grown stronger through all of these lives.

However, this life was different from the past. A lot of strange things had happened. The Duke said he saw me laughing, that he saw my happy future. Maybe that’s why…

First, receiving silk as a gift from Raiol Manas had never happened in the past lives. And the Duke’s reaction to it was also different.

…And once again, the Duke and I faced life and death together, but this time, we didn’t share a body…

I opened my eyes slightly, my face flushed. The Duke was looking at me with a worried expression. Beside him, Leia stood with her arms crossed.

I immediately threw myself into the Duke’s arms. I wanted to give him the assurance that I was here. After all, he had seen my death six times. The image of him from this life came to mind. I hugged him tightly and whispered:

“Your Highness…”

“……”

“Isis.”

The Duke, or Isis, froze for a moment.

‘You’ve never called me by my name…’

I thought it was just something I had said in drunken delirium. But he really wanted to hear it—his name coming from my lips.

“An assembly, you say?”

My face crumpled instinctively. The Duke had a similarly displeased expression. It was because of the errand boy who had just come in. The errand boy delivered the news that the Emperor was hosting a banquet, supposedly to apologize to me.

That fool…

The fact that it was supposedly for me only made it more nauseating and infuriating. Wasn’t he calling me here to figure out what the Duke was doing?

“I suppose we’ll have to prepare,” the Duke sighed.

“Are you going?”

“Of course. Is there any way not to go?”

He shrugged, as though it were inevitable. There was no way not to go. He was throwing a banquet supposedly for me, so I would be the guest of honor. I had to stand before the Emperor, who would likely judge me with those disgusting eyes of his, dressed more extravagantly than anyone else. The thought made me shudder.

Moreover, knowing the Emperor could use magic made it worse. Before I didn’t know, it didn’t matter, but now that I did, his eyes felt more troubling. No matter how much my mind resisted his mental magic, I wondered if it would really be perfect. What if his magic affected me and everything went wrong?

I was worried.

“Why the long face?”

The Duke’s hand reached for my cheek. I awkwardly leaned into his touch.

“I’m worried. I’m scared.”

“The Count Kiara will neutralize the magic, and the Emperor’s magic won’t work on you. So, what are you worried about?”

“But… the possibilities are never 0 or 100.”

“I’ve seen the future.”

“But…”

Wasn’t it impossible to know how far into the future that was?

And in that future, were you smiling too?

The question lingered on my lips, too afraid to ask. I hesitated for a long while, and in the end, I couldn’t ask anything. Instead, I just hugged the Duke. My fear eased, even if only a little.

“Will you continue to follow the Emperor?”

“My consort is saying dangerous things.”

The Duke chuckled lightly. There was no one around to overhear us, as usual. No one was here to listen to our rebellion talk. It’s said that walls have ears, but when the Duke is beside me, things are different. He wouldn’t miss the presence of someone secretly listening.

“Will I continue to follow…?”

He pulled me closer and hugged me. He slowly brushed my hair off my head, as if grooming it. My well-kept hair slid through his fingers without a hitch. As he touched my hair, the scent of the oils I had applied earlier spread around us.

The Duke gently held my hair and looked up at me, kissing my hair. His golden eyes, locked on me, gleamed.

“Of course, I cannot continue to follow him.”

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