I Heard That I am a HeartBreaker - Chapter 103

Qiu Shuang lowered her head, no longer knowing what to say. She felt she ought to forgive the other woman, yet deep within, she was hesitant. Why was Lu Chen suddenly making such a gesture at a time like this? She felt as though her entire being was being split apart.

Qiu Shuang felt as if her life were flashing before her eyes like a revolving lantern. The emotions bursting forth were irrepressible; she felt as though she were standing in the river of the past, watching her teenage self. But the image was fragmented—nothing but a collection of shards.

Qiu Shuang recalled the sight of her teacher’s untidy collar, her own bowed back, and the other woman’s repeated inquiries.

“Why won’t you study?”

Lu Chen turned to look at Qiu Shuang. The girl had a very beautiful face but always wore an expression that said “don’t look at me” and “leave me alone.” This demeanor was quite intimidating; those who didn’t know better would think Qiu Shuang was someone difficult to approach. It was a successful defense mechanism.

At least, that was what Lu Chen had believed back then, so she had only observed her in silence.

Lu Chen didn’t understand why someone would dislike studying. She kept thinking about it, trying to grasp the other’s logic, but Qiu Shuang always remained silent.

Lu Chen didn’t understand why the girl’s eyes often looked so hollow. She didn’t understand why eyes as beautiful as Qiu Shuang’s were always so icy, like magnificent gemstones covered in a lamentable layer of dust.

Lu Chen remembered the friends who were close to Qiu Shuang; it seemed the girl only showed a vibrant side of herself when she was with others… That truly made Lu Chen feel indignant.

“Is studying that important? Anyway, as long as I can get into a public university and keep a middle-of-the-pack grade in this class, that’s enough. My parents don’t care about me, so why do you?”

Qiu Shuang truly couldn’t understand. Why was there such a “good person” in this world? At such a critical moment, one should clearly focus on their own studies, so why drag her along? Lu Chen simply sat by her side, over and over again, willing to explain the simplest problems to her.

Qiu Shuang admitted that in the depths of her heart, she had briefly wondered: if someone was inexplicably kind to her, did that prove she was also a good person who deserved to be treated well?

Qiu Shuang didn’t know why she was like this. She could clearly live her life alone, so why did she allow herself to be controlled and pursue something so ethereal?

What she wanted was a miracle—someone who would always and firmly choose her. She had accepted Song Ya, only to find out in the end that Song Ya’s “choice” was to keep her forever as a sidekick who couldn’t stand on her own. She had chosen Chen Wanjun, envying her courage and self-discipline, but ultimately found she had chosen a coward.

And now? Another “saint” who “loved” her had appeared before Qiu Shuang. Could she choose this saint? Would this saint be willing to choose her just as firmly forever?

Qiu Shuang didn’t know. She only knew the other woman was crying. Why was she crying? Would those tears treat her as they did in the beginning?

“You should study hard, Qiu Shuang. My intuition tells me you should live a better life. You are capable and interesting; you can have a better life. Why won’t you do it?”

Lu Chen felt that perhaps she was swayed by that beautiful face. She couldn’t accept such a beautiful person eventually falling into the crowd, turning into a gust of wind, and fading into mediocrity.

Even though everyone is an ordinary person, the voice inside Lu Chen told her that she could not accept the other being mediocre or living a poor life.

“You deserve a better life, a better job, excellent grades, and a bright future. This is all what you deserve, and it’s something you should know.”

Qiu Shuang had almost forgotten how firm Lu Chen’s voice had been when those words echoed in that classroom. She had simply nodded and eventually followed in the other’s footsteps.

Qiu Shuang felt that perhaps the past was over. She had already abandoned that painful state, and the current Qiu Shuang had rebuilt that passion.

The voices that used to mock her loudly seemed to have tangled back toward her; everything from before seemed to have improved, and she seemed to truly be walking toward a brighter future.

Qiu Shuang looked at the other woman. She admitted that at a certain moment in the past, a hidden, excited thought had lurked deep in her heart—a desire to have a more intimate relationship with her.

But those things would be completely smothered by those other voices. If a lie is repeated a thousand times, it seemingly becomes the truth.

“Qiu Shuang, you are the worst person in the world. Only I am this good, which is why I’m willing to be with you. Do you understand?”

Song Ya’s voice kept echoing in her ears, and Qiu Shuang remembered the things Chen Wanjun used to say.

“…Do you have to ask such meaningless questions?”

Qiu Shuang didn’t know; perhaps her throat was broken, so she just remained silent, like someone whose tongue had been pulled out, unable to argue back.

She still remembered Lu Chen and wanted very much to keep such a person by her side, but should she disturb the other’s life again?

As her new university life began, Qiu Shuang learned that the other was at the same university. She felt both happy and sad.

She was happy she could still be with Lu Chen, but sad because, in university, the other woman would surely have many friends. By then, Lu Chen’s life story probably wouldn’t include her anymore.

“Lu Chen, do you really like me…”

Qiu Shuang felt very opportunistic right now. She wanted to get this answer, and her words carried a hint of coercion. She was very happy because Lu Chen had wronged her. At this moment, another possibility occurred to Qiu Shuang: would the other be willing to lie to her? Would she say “I love you” just for the sake of forgiveness?

Even if it might all be fake.

“I love you. I love you very much. Maybe what I liked at first were your eyes, but later, I really just hoped you would be happy. To be honest, I can speak my mind—I kept telling myself that if you were happy with someone else, I’d be willing to step back, but in reality, I was jealous to death.”

“I feel like I’m about to break. I always thought I was a generous person, but when I encounter you, I ultimately can’t help but break down in tears. I cannot accept a life or a world without you…”

After more than twenty years, a voice of firm choice had finally appeared in Qiu Shuang’s life, but she didn’t know whether to accept this affection, because Qiu Shuang didn’t know what kind of answer time would eventually provide.

Xin Zhu knew. The senior had been very off lately, always showing a strange smile while looking at her phone. This person, who was excellent and never truly belonged to her, was finally about to escape.

“Senior, you’re being really cruel like this…”

Xin Zhu stole a glance at her. She thought she was truly jealous—jealous that the other’s smile wasn’t blooming because of her, and jealous that the other could hand over undying love to someone else.

“I thought you were clear about what a ‘contract girlfriend’ entails. Don’t you know exactly why I chose you?”

Qiu Shuang didn’t want to be so blunt, but the main reason she chose Xin Zhu was that she was an ordinary person. It sounded ridiculous, but if she got entangled with those other people, it would be hard to separate. With Xin Zhu, however, the relationship could be severed.

Qiu Shuang didn’t understand the love those people had for her, nor did she understand what true care was, because hearts are fickle. Only what she held in her own hands belonged to her.

Perhaps there was a pure land in her heart where all these beautiful things were preserved, but she wouldn’t be foolish enough to act on it.

“Never trust anyone, not even your family.”

Xin Zhu smiled after hearing the professor say those words. She sometimes felt that the world was truly unfair. At this moment, she perhaps shared a commonality with Qi Sijiao.

She was truly jealous of those who were able to meet Qiu Shuang so early and occupy such a place in her heart.

“Senior, you’ve already decided who to choose, haven’t you?”

Qiu Shuang smiled upon hearing Xin Zhu’s words. She didn’t know whether to mock the other’s naivety or her sense of entitlement. She looked up at her; under the dim lights and the glow of the screen, her already beautiful face appeared even more soul-stirring.

“I don’t know why you all are so naive. In my eyes, all of you are merely candidates. It is I who chooses you, not you who chooses me.”

Qiu Shuang smiled. In this moment, she even felt happy—this was entirely her own malice. Emotions are not things that can be explained clearly. When you like someone who doesn’t like you back, or when you think the feeling is mutual, there is only trouble in between.

Qiu Shuang felt that everything was such a hassle. For a moment, she even wondered if she should just stop dating altogether.

These people were like hunters, weaving a tight net for her. Qiu Shuang couldn’t get out, and no one else could get in. She would either choose no one, or choose someone strong enough to strike everyone else down.

To be honest, Qiu Shuang didn’t like this feeling. She felt like a weak creature in nature, forced into someone else’s protective net.

“I’ll just wait for you, Senior. We are all candidates—just make sure you don’t favor one and lose the other.”

Xin Zhu smiled. For the first time, she was grateful that Qiu Shuang’s understanding of love was so “pure.” If Qiu Shuang were like them, she probably would have just picked someone and settled down long ago.

The two sat there in silence, watching each other. Xin Zhu watched as Qiu Shuang kept staring at her phone screen.

Qiu Shuang was indeed very happy, though she didn’t know exactly why she felt such joy. She was even impatient to reply to the other’s message, but that didn’t mean she could easily be with her. Love is like this: if you don’t let the other person understand that you are hard to get, they will never cherish you.

Furthermore, Lu Chen had only made it to the shortlist; she hadn’t won the final prize yet. If she wanted to be the last one standing, she would have to show her resolve.

Qiu Shuang idly scrolled through her messages until a new pinned message made her fall silent.

Big Rice: I’ve moved back to Beijing because of a job transfer.

Looking at this message, Qiu Shuang didn’t know how to reply. Logically, two people who talked so well should meet, but for some reason, communicating with someone in the “2D” world felt different from the “3D” world.

Qiu Shuang hoped that the beautiful digital skin the other person wore online would never be stripped away. Once they truly understood each other in person, would their friendship still last?

Autumn Wind: Oh, really? Then congratulations are in order.

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