Are All You Straight Men Like This? - Chapter 22

It turns out that a creature like a “straight man” must be analyzed by professionals.

In the evening, after taking a shower, Ye Ran sat on his bed with a serious expression. The bedroom was bathed in the warm yellow glow of the lamps. With his hair still slightly damp, he opened a certain blue-and-white app.

[Gay Bar (Forum)]

— [Let’s expose my stupid ex who claimed to have kidney deficiency to sleep early but had eight secret WeChat accounts]

— [Current state of gay survival: zero-es everywhere, no ‘1’s to rely on]

— [Can all these creepy straight men just die? Dammit, I hate it most when these idiots flirt with me and ask for leg pics]

[Marriage Advertisement: I’m 189cm, 28cm, gentle personality, devoted and deep-loving. Sincerely looking for a boyfriend; I just want to give you a taste of ‘home’]

Ye Ran scanned through the top posts on the homepage. He nodded with forced composure. Yes, I’ve come to the right place.

Taking a deep breath, he prepared to post, but a prompt suddenly popped up on the screen:

【You must reach Lv. 3 to post in this forum~】

Ye Ran: “…”

Embarrassed, Ye Ran used his newly registered alternate account to find posts that looked decent enough to leave comments and “water” the thread for experience points.

Finally, after half an hour of effort, he was able to post. He thought long and hard before typing a heavy title for his thread:

【Is my friend’s friend still considered straight in this situation?】

[Hajso]: The situation is like this: The OP has a friend who is very close with his own friend. They consider each other soulmates. However, my friend is gay, but his friend is straight. Now, that friend has kissed him (due to various reasons) and didn’t show any disgust… I want to ask everyone with experience, is that friend still straight?

[Luo Hua Wu Qing]: Oh my, wishing the OP and his friend 99 (a long life together).

Ye Ran felt a jolt of energy and immediately replied.

[Hajso]: It’s not me, it’s my friend.

[Luo Hua Wu Qing]: Oh, oh, sorry, I was too direct. Then I wish the OP’s friend and his friend 99, okay?

[Hajso]: But my friend’s friend has always been straight. The kiss was also for a specific reason. He should still be straight, right?

[Luo Hua Wu Qing]: LMAO. A straight man kissing someone of the same sex? OP, you need to wake up. Is your “straight” friend actually a fake straight guy intentionally baiting you?

…As expected? Is it really true that straight men won’t kiss the same sex? Ye Ran’s thoughts became muddled; he didn’t even know what to type next. Was Shen Shi really gay…

He lowered his head, and his gaze suddenly froze.

Other floor reply: They can.

Other floor reply: Of course they can. I’ve even done “mutual assistance” with my roommate before.

Other floor reply: This is nothing. Straight men can even get an erection looking at the same sex.

Ye Ran was shocked: …Really? [Luo Hua Wu Qing] was equally shocked: …Really?

Other floor reply: Really. You guys don’t know how gay straight men can act while being straight. There were two guys in our class who held hands every day and sat on each other’s laps during breaks. Years later, they both found girlfriends, got married, and have developed “happy fat.”

Other floor reply: Agreeing with the above. So, little gays, don’t have delusions about straight men. You think kissing and holding hands means he’s bent for you? Stop dreaming. Some straight men go way too far with their jokes. Do not, under any circumstances, be fooled.

Other floor reply: Some straight men have even lower moral bottom lines. Cuddling while sleeping, kissing, mutual assistance—they can do anything. They can even sleep with a gay man. After all, they just like women; it’s not like they’re broken. And the result? The only one who gets hurt is the gay guy.

Ye Ran’s pupils dilated: Ah, so that’s how it is… [Luo Hua Wu Qing] followed suit: Ah, so that’s how it is…

Other floor reply: Never believe you can turn a straight man gay.

Other floor reply: Never believe a straight man will turn gay for you.

Other floor reply: Remember, carve these two sentences into your bones.

Ye Ran clicked on the profile pages of these posters. Forum age: 15 years. Forum age: 10 years. Forum age: 9 years.

They were “mellowed,” old-school gay men of over a decade. They had seen more straight men than Ye Ran had eaten meals.

[Hajso]: …I see. [Luo Hua Wu Qing]: …I see. [Hajso]: I understand now. [Luo Hua Wu Qing]: I understand too.

Closing his phone, Ye Ran felt a sense of relief. Thinking about it this way, Shen Shi had only kissed him. They hadn’t even slept or showered together… or anything else. The friendship between him and Shen Shi was still “pure.”

The problem that had been faintly worrying him was mostly dissipated thanks to the guidance of the forum seniors.

The Forum Threads Cross Paths

Outside, lightning flashed and thunder roared. A gale was raging. The weather bureau had issued a forecast: the heavy rain would turn clear tomorrow afternoon. By then, the club president could charter a bus to take the members back to school.

Ye Ran lay paralyzed on the bed for a while, then prepared to shower and sleep. Too much had happened today; he didn’t want to dwell on it for a while. Most importantly—the mystery of Shen Shi’s orientation was currently only known to him and Yu Ting. He had plenty of time to let Shen Shi slowly come to his senses.

But kissing… better not do that again. Ye Ran took a deep breath and made a decision. Once back at school, he would keep his distance from Shen Shi. He absolutely could not let Shen Shi’s orientation be called into question.

At this very moment, under the same sky, with the same doubt, Yu Ting was sitting upright in the room next door, slowly typing:

Asking for advice: I have a straight friend who is very close with his friend. Close to an excessive degree, even saying things while drunk about wanting to marry the other person. Is this friend of mine still straight?

1L: Huh? Are you sick? Coming to the [Difficult Cases] forum to ask this? 2L: Forget it, I’ll give you a kind reminder. Straight men are full of schemes. OP, don’t get scammed.

Yu Ting clicked his tongue: It’s for a friend. What did it have to do with him? He was a man of iron integrity.

3L: OK, OK. For a “friend,” right? 4L: Talking about marriage and you’re still asking if he’s straight? I suspect the OP is doing this on purpose. Humblebragging?

The veins on Yu Ting’s forehead throbbed: It really is for a friend!

5L: LMAO. And he’s still straight? He’s already bent into a spiral, OK?

Yu Ting began to suspect he had asked in the wrong place. He took a deep breath and prepared to close the app. The next second, he suddenly saw a very proper reply:

[Luo Hua Wu Qing]: Honestly, many actions of straight men are very confusing. Don’t jump to conclusions.

[Luo Hua Wu Qing]: I have a friend who already kissed his straight friend, and yet the straight guy is still straight. My friend was also very conflicted, but he’s come to terms with it now. After all, a straight man can never be turned gay, and he won’t actively turn gay for one person. I hope you carve this sentence into your bones.

8L: For real? 25L: This friend, please tell your story. 30L: There are actually gay people in the [Difficult Cases] forum?

Yu Ting stared deeply at this [Luo Hua Wu Qing]. He found that the situation around this person was even more ridiculous than his own. They’d fucking kissed, yet the guy could still be straight? Why was every straight man these days acting just like Shen Shi? Disgusting.

…Could Shen Shi’s “marriage” comment also just be drunken nonsense? Thinking of this, Yu Ting fell silent and exited the forum. Compared to kissing, “babbling nonsense while drunk” was much more acceptable.

After determining that Shen Shi was still straight—just a huge scumbag—Yu Ting couldn’t sit still. As a friend, he couldn’t watch Shen Shi fall into depravity, but his conscience told him he couldn’t let the situation develop further.

Ye Ran was such a well-behaved little gay guy; he must not believe that a straight man would turn gay for him. Yu Ting opened the app again, screenshotted [Luo Hua Wu Qing]’s advice, and prepared to have a face-to-face talk with Ye Ran. Presenting this warning at the critical moment might save the day.

In the end, his conscience outweighed his friendship. Yu Ting felt tearful. I’m so damn morally upright. I will be the one to clear the name of our slandered straight male reputation!

Straightening his clothes and putting on the aura of an academic researcher, he threw open his door—

The next second, in the dark and quiet corridor, a figure slowly looked up. Shen Shi was wearing black loungewear. His features were illuminated fitfully by the dim corridor light. He was leaning against the wall with an indifferent, casual expression. He calmly lifted his eyelids to look at Yu Ting.

Yu Ting: “…” Dammit. Speak of the devil.

With an expressionless face, he took a step back, preparing to close the door with lightning speed. The next moment, the door was firmly held by a pale, slender hand. Shen Shi looked down at him and said coldly, “I have something to discuss with you. Come with me.”

Yu Ting resolutely refused: “I will absolutely never—”

“WeChat,” Shen Shi said. “The transfer has been sent.”

While still blocking the door, Yu Ting pulled out his phone. After seeing the number of zeros in the transfer, he went quiet for two seconds and instantly broke into a smile. “Brother, let’s go.”

“Why are we brothers being so formal? It hurts our feelings,” he said enthusiastically. “I was being immature just now. Brother, don’t hold it against me.”

Shen Shi turned around directly and led him into his room.

The Confession

Shen Shi’s room was very tidy. A warm orange light glowed by the bed. On the chair near the bed—which looked incredibly soft—was a layer of fleece blanket. Yu Ting instinctively moved to sit on it, but Shen Shi frowned and stopped him. “Move aside.”

Yu Ting: “?” Dammit. That’s excessive.

Swallowing his pride, he prepared to sit on the bed, only to be stopped by Shen Shi again: “Sit on the stool.”

Yu Ting followed his gaze and saw a small stool at the foot of the bed that barely reached his knees. It looked mysteriously similar to what kindergarten children sat on.

Yu Ting: “…” For the sake of the money, I’ll endure.

He sat down obediently, but his mind was racing. The last time Shen Shi bought him off with money, it was for an “early birthday.” This time, receiving even more money felt like an even worse omen. Fortunately, Shen Shi didn’t ask what he had been about to do, otherwise…

Beep beep. The water dispenser made a sound. Shen Shi poured two cups of water, walked to the bed, and handed one cup of cold water to him.

Yu Ting reached out to take it. At the moment his fingers touched the paper cup, he heard Shen Shi ask nonchalantly, “Where were you going just now?”

He stiffened, his brain working at high speed. Shen Shi’s grip on the cup was very firm—so firm that Yu Ting couldn’t actually take the cup from him. The gaze falling on him was dark and calm, devoid of excess emotion, but this version of Shen Shi was the most terrifying.

Yu Ting felt as if all his thoughts were being seen through. He paused, then said, “I was going to find Ye Ran.”

“Mhm.” Shen Shi nodded, indicating he understood. Then, leaning against the wall, he continued to ask indifferently, “What were you going to find Ye Ran for?”

Yu Ting sighed. “If you didn’t know why I was going to find him, would you have blocked me at the door?”

Having known Shen Shi for so many years, Yu Ting didn’t believe the man hadn’t seen through his intentions. His head hurt, but his heart sank. Shen Shi’s method of cutting off all “accidents” at the source truly made him feel uneasy.

“Shen Shi,” he became serious. “What exactly do you mean regarding Ye Ran?”

This was getting difficult. He had never seen Shen Shi act so possessively over any friend. Sure enough, he still had to go warn Ye Ran later…

“I like him.”

The sudden voice shattered his thoughts. Shen Shi’s voice was very faint, without much fluctuation, yet it sounded like a thunderclap right next to Yu Ting’s ear.

“You… you… you what? You—”

Shen Shi was unhurried. As if afraid Yu Ting hadn’t heard clearly, he repeated: “I said, I like Ye Ran.”

Yu Ting was stuck. He opened his mouth, and his first reaction was to shrug and hug his own chest, like a pure maiden about to be defiled. He scrambled back toward the wall, staring at Shen Shi in horror. “Holy shit! Holy shit!”

He had lost the ability to speak properly. Like a werewolf who only transformed at night, he wailed tremulously, “Holy shit! You really are a pervert—stay the hell away from me!”

Shen Shi: “…” “Tsk.” He looked at Yu Ting with an indescribable expression. “Don’t act crazy.”

Yu Ting: “Dammit! You, a gay guy, have been lurking by my side for so many years—I’m not allowed to wail a little?!”

Shen Shi expressionlessly picked up his phone. “Transfer sent. Shut up.”

Yu Ting: “Even a transfer—okay, Brother.”

In the face of money, whether Shen Shi was straight or gay clearly no longer mattered. Yu Ting floated back to the small stool in a daze. He stared blankly for a while, then suddenly realized something. “Wait a minute. You didn’t call me over to ask me to help you pursue him, did you?”

“I can’t do it. I don’t have any dating experience. Asking me is useless.”

Shen Shi didn’t even bother looking at him. “Hardly.”

Yu Ting secretly rejoiced: “As expected, I’m still more experienced in romance than you.”

Shen Shi finally spared him a glance and added patiently, “I’m not desperate enough to ask you.”

Yu Ting: “…” Dammit. Gay guys really do have poisonous tongues.

He watched Shen Shi take out his phone. His eyelids were drooping lazily as he casually tapped letters on the screen. The warm orange light from the desk lamp shone on the side of Shen Shi’s face, outlining his indifferent and handsome features. Those dark phoenix eyes were deep and narrow, like polished black lacquer. Even without emotion, they were enough to make one lose their train of thought.

With a face like that, can’t he just use honey-trap tactics directly? Yu Ting wondered. Soon, the silence was broken by Shen Shi. His voice was casual as he handed the phone over. “Do me a favor. Post this.”

Such a gentle tone it smelled suspiciously like a “weasel greeting a chicken.”

Yu Ting cautiously took the phone. After seeing the large block of text on the screen, he went quiet for several seconds. His eyelids began to twitch violently. He lunged off the bed, refusing with righteous indignation: “Handcuffs!”

“I can’t do this! This is illegal!”

Shen Shi sat on the edge of the bed, watching him nonchalantly. His pupils were a pure black, appearing somewhat cold under the light. “You can.”

Outside the window, the sound of the storm intensified. The rain pelted heavily against the floor-to-ceiling windows, making a noisy racket. Yu Ting swallowed. He listened as Shen Shi continued unhurriedly:

“I need a legitimate status.”

The “Legitimate” Status

10:30 PM.

Ye Ran hadn’t taken a nap today, so he felt sleepy very early. Outside, the thunder and the pattering of rain were a lullaby.

When his phone ringtone suddenly blared, Ye Ran scrambled up from the bed in a daze, his thoughts a muddled, sticky mess. Picking up the phone, he realized “Xiao Pang” (Little Fatty) had sent him a long string of messages on WeChat.

Too sleepy to open his eyes, he hugged his quilt and sluggishly entered WeChat. He yawned and clicked on the four or five screenshots Xiao Pang had sent—

Orientation of a certain ‘City Grass’ confirmed as male. Does anyone still not know?

BOOM— Thunder roared outside. A bolt of lightning suddenly tore through the sky.

Ye Ran’s head went blank for a second. He was instantly startled into a cold sweat. He immediately sat up straight, his heart pounding like a drum, and quickly read the replies on the campus forum in the screenshots.

1L: ??? OP, do you have evidence? Are you insane, spreading rumors late at night? 2L: LMAO. After the rumor that Shen Shi isn’t Chinese, now we have this one. 3L: Eating melons late at night. Waiting for the follow-up.

OP: Very certain. The OP has a friend who works as a waiter at the Swan Hotel. Supposedly, during a meeting of the Astronomy Club one night, they played Truth or Dare. The question asked was whether Shen Shi’s orientation was male or female. Shen Shi clearly stated it was male. My friend heard it with their own ears. If you don’t believe me, go ask the Astronomy Club members.

21L: Fuck. I just asked my friend in the Astronomy Club. Shen Shi was indeed there that night. During that question segment, he didn’t say if he liked men or women, but he indeed stayed silent. 25L: Some people in this thread, stop trying to clear Shen Shi’s name, okay? Would a straight man avoid talking about his orientation? Do you believe that? 30L: I’m officially wide awake. No wonder the Finance Department beauty confessed to Shen Shi and was rejected directly. 44L: No way. Are all handsome guys gay these days? 50L: So hard to believe Shen Shi is actually gay… students from other schools know now too. Supposedly their forums are discussing it. 80L: Doesn’t Shen Shi have admin rights for the campus forum? How has this post stayed up so long? 99L: Because he’s feeling guilty.

There were seven or eight screenshots in a row, all filled with comments from people “eating melons,” watching the drama, or being cynical.

Ye Ran’s palms were covered in a layer of cold sweat. His mind went blank for a moment; purely out of muscle memory, he slid down the screen bit by bit, reading those ambiguous statements. Finally, he finished reading hundreds of floors, word for word.

Xiao Pang’s messages followed: —Ye Ran, what do we do! —Now everyone outside is saying our dorm is a gay nest!

The next second, Xiao Pang sent a desperate voice message: “They even said only the door number of dorm 211 is straight, I’m fucking straight, dammit!”

The Truth

Ye Ran closed his phone and immediately got out of bed. He even put his slippers on the wrong feet. He threw open his door and ran straight to Shen Shi’s room.

The corridor was quiet and dim. But Ye Ran felt as if he could hear waves of inexplicable voices—noisy and full of malicious curiosity. His pupils shrank as countless thoughts flashed through his brain. He knocked on Shen Shi’s door. After barely two seconds, the door was pulled open.

The warm orange light from inside spilled out, enveloping him. Behind the door, Shen Shi looked down at him. His hair was slightly messy, looking as if he had also just woken up. His dark, deep phoenix eyes reflected Ye Ran’s current panicked state.

“Ye Ran?”

Ye Ran was about to speak, but his gaze unexpectedly fell on the phone in Shen Shi’s hand. The screen clearly showed the blue page of the school forum. The post sitting at the top was tonight’s hot thread: 【Orientation of a certain ‘City Grass’ confirmed as male. Does anyone still not know?】

He got stuck; the words he wanted to say were completely blocked in his throat. After a long time, he slowly moved his gaze to Shen Shi’s calm face. In the midst of the blankness, Ye Ran’s eyes were a little red. He stared at Shen Shi blankly, his voice trembling with helplessness. “…What do we do?”

He pursed his lips, suppressing the heat in his throat. “I… I thought everyone would keep it a secret.”

He had worked so hard to get Shen Shi back on the “right path,” yet now it had all failed at the last step. Now the whole school knew Shen Shi was “gay.” No one would believe Shen Shi was still straight.

Except for him.

After a few seconds of silence, Ye Ran felt that his current appearance was truly pathetic. He lowered his head and blinked, forcing back the inexplicable moisture in his eyes. He quickly calculated a plan in his heart.

“Now everyone is discussing this… I how about I use my account to help you clarify? I’ll say you aren’t actually gay, it was just because of me—”

He spoke helplessly, even getting the sequence of events confused. Shen Shi suddenly interrupted him in a soft voice.

“Ye Ran.”

Ye Ran looked up at the sound. In the darkness, his lips were lightly kissed. Shen Shi leaned down against the light, the silhouette of his features blurred, except for his eyes, which seemed to hold a slight trace of a smile.

“Straight men don’t like kissing people of the same sex.”

Ye Ran’s mind went even blanker. The sensation on his lips was very gentle—so gentle it was like a dragonfly touching the water. It gave him the illusion of being carefully soothed.

Shen Shi straightened back up and whispered an explanation: “I’m the one who had that post put on the forum. I am very certain: I am gay.”