A Change of Husband - Chapter 49

“As far as I know, it’s not love.”

Esperad answered.

It was a short and clear answer, but also very firm.

Asilie felt like she already knew why he could be so certain, but she still wanted to ask. And she wanted to hear it.

“Why do you think that?”

“That’s because…”

Esperad looked at her for a moment.

He wasn’t sure how their conversation had turned to this topic, but strangely, it didn’t feel as awkward as he would have expected.

“There’s a story I know.”

“A story you know?”

“There was once a man and a woman.”

Esperad closed his eyes.

He remembered.

He remembered how, in the past, he had asked out of pure curiosity without knowing how much his question could hurt someone.

“Mother, I overheard the court ladies talking. They said Father and my cousin used to be very close. But why don’t they talk anymore? I heard he used to visit often when I was little…”

His mother couldn’t answer Asilie.

After hesitating for a long time, she slowly replied, choosing each word carefully.

“…There can be many things between people that we could never imagine.”

“What do you mean?”

“Someone you trusted not to do something might still do it. And someone you thought would do something might not. Just like things in life don’t always go the way we wish, relationships also come and go.”

“I don’t get it. So, are you saying Cousin didn’t act the way Father wanted him to?”

To the small boy’s question, his mother forced a smile.

“You’ll understand when you grow up.”

He kept asking who had done something wrong, but his mother never answered.

Not understanding the meaning of that silence, young and curious Esperad went around asking the court ladies and heard stories from the past.

That’s how he learned the truth: long ago, both his father and cousin had tried to court his mother.

But only a few elders and those directly involved knew the horrible thing that Count Mirk had done to his mother.

Esperad, unaware of that hidden truth, had even shared the story with Asilie while smiling.

Saying it was an amusing tale.

“The man courted the woman, but she married someone else. If the man had let go of his feelings and simply wished for her happiness, everything would have been fine. But he didn’t.”

Asilie looked at Esperad without saying a word.

“He couldn’t accept that she wasn’t his. In the end, he did something terrible to a woman who had a husband and a child.”

“That’s…”

“If it had been love—if his feelings had truly been love—he wouldn’t have been able to hurt her. Never.”

Esperad met her eyes with a confident expression.

“What you described isn’t love, Asilie. It’s obsession. Even if it started pure, the moment you stop caring about how the other person feels, it’s no longer love.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because even though people naturally think of themselves first, when you’re in love, you start thinking of the other person first.”

At his words, Asilie felt like she had been struck hard in the head.

Not once, when she acted toward Joseph, had she thought about how he might feel.

“So, if you ignore how the other person might feel and just focus on your own emotions, that’s not love.”

“As far as I know, yes.”

It felt like everything was becoming clearer.

She had just refused to admit it. Deep down, she may have already known—

That it wasn’t true love.

But she hadn’t wanted to admit that all those years of pain were meaningless. That’s why she convinced herself that even that pain was part of love, that she had no choice because she loved Joseph.

Asilie quietly reflected on her past self.

At the time, she had lost her father and been separated from her younger sister, then brought to the capital.

There, without her own will, she had to pretend to be a capital noblewoman, something she had never done before.

Yet she constantly had to worry about her sister—what she was doing, how she was managing.

Because her mind was always elsewhere, Asilie couldn’t live up to the expectations of the Grandier duchy. Because of that, she was constantly criticized and insulted.

On the outside, she might have looked fine, but inside, she was covered in wounds.

Then, the fiancé who had been arranged for her was suddenly changed.

At the formal meeting arranged by both families, she met her new fiancé, Joseph. He was a true gentleman.

He was also the first person in the capital to treat her kindly, to speak warmly and gently to her.

His appearance was more noble than any nobleman she had met.

In truth, Joseph had no reason to be kind to her, but back then, Asilie wasn’t wise enough to know that his kindness was because of the Grandier duchy.

After that meeting, she quickly fell for Joseph.

But after they married, what she faced was worse than what she had gone through in the Grandier house—looks of contempt and harsh voices.

No one liked her.

Not the Count Bonaparte, not the Countess, not her husband, not her brother-in-law, not even her sister-in-law.

To them, she was nothing more than a target of ridicule.

“I’m just worried that you might lower the prestige of the Bonaparte family, Sister. My etiquette teacher from when I was eight is still around and healthy. Maybe we should ask her to give you some lessons?”

“That’s a good idea, dear. How thoughtful of you. What are you doing? Say thank you already.”

“…Thank you, Sister-in-law.”

“Not at all, Sister. Please, for the family’s sake, try your best to learn.”

They all laughed at her mistakes and mocked her.

“I’m embarrassed to even face my old teacher when my sister-in-law hasn’t learned such basics. What she’s learning now, I learned when I was ten.”

“Oh dear, you must be very embarrassed.”

“No, Mother. I should have thought of this sooner…”

“I-I’m sorry, Sister-in-law. I am trying, really…”

“This is why background matters! Hah! I can’t believe the Count’s daughter-in-law goes around doing such shameful things. I just can’t take it anymore.”

“Mother…”

Asilie hoped Joseph would protect her, but after marriage, he was always cold and distant.

Then, while struggling to survive in such a life, she learned of her sister’s death.

She truly was alone in the world.

Afraid of being mocked, of giving people another reason to attack her, she couldn’t even cry properly. She had to bury her father and sister’s deaths deep in her heart.

After that, she chose survival.

She used Joseph as her shield.

‘It was never pure love to begin with.’

Now she understood why it had been so hard to accept this simple truth. Why she’d felt so uneasy about her feelings toward Esperad.

Even though she returned to the past, to a time before anything happened, it didn’t erase her painful memories.

That’s why she was scared.

‘Then… are these feelings real?’

Asilie couldn’t be sure that she had fully overcome her painful past.

Maybe her feelings for Esperad were just her need to rely on someone—just another illusion.

She didn’t want to be mistaken again. She didn’t want to make the same mistake again.

More than anything, she wanted to avoid hurting Esperad if her feelings turned out to be false.

But Asilie decided to act differently now.

Because she had finally learned that running away didn’t lead to the best outcome.

“Then… what is true love?”

Esperad looked at her with unreadable eyes.

But Asilie chose not to dig into the emotions behind his gaze. She continued.

“When I’m near you, I get nervous. I feel happy when I know you’re being thoughtful of me. And even when I feel worthless for not being able to do the same, I keep wanting to be better.”

“………”

“Sometimes I want to act cool, but other times I just want to be honest. I’m always torn between the two.”

He closed his eyes for a moment.

A strange certainty arose in his heart—but at the same time, he was afraid her heart might be directed at someone else.

Esperad made up his mind: no matter what she said, he wouldn’t blame her.

Then, opening his eyes, he looked straight at her and asked,

“Who are those feelings for?”

“…You, Esperad.”

Maybe this was a confession.

An awkward, rambling, and clumsy confession.

But Asilie realized that her feelings right now were far more sincere than the hundreds of times she had shouted “I love you” to Joseph.

She faced her true heart.

“I wonder what you’re thinking or doing, but I don’t want to push you to tell me until you’re ready. I’m afraid it’ll make you uncomfortable.”

Her every word made Esperad’s heart tremble.

He had no idea what to say or how to respond.

But Asilie, though her voice trembled, spoke calmly from her heart.

“Still, I was confused… because I thought if I truly loved someone, I should want to know everything about them.”

“That’s because—”

He didn’t want to cut her off, but he wanted to tell her.

So he whispered in the kindest voice he could manage to the nervous Asilie staring at him.

“That’s because you respect me, Asilie.”

“Respect…?”

“Yes.”

“I respect you?”

“Yes, you respect me. Because you don’t want to see me in pain.”

“Then… does that mean I love you?”

Ah—at that moment, Esperad wanted to hug Asilie right away.

How could a person be this beautiful? How could someone be this lovable?

A sense of wonder he had never felt before completely filled his heart.

Everything felt sweet, as if he had fallen into a pool of honey.

Even the air, which had felt so dull just a moment ago.

To Esperad, she was so beautiful.

It wasn’t just about how she looked.

She herself—this person—was beautiful.

She truly felt like a gift.

That’s why Esperad wanted to say something that could be a gift to her in return.

But his mind went completely blank, and he couldn’t think of any proper, graceful words.

No matter how hard he tried, nothing came.

He hesitated for a long time. And now, with even his voice trembling from the overwhelming emotion, he finally managed to squeeze out one word.

“Yes.”

Asilie accepted his conclusion more calmly than expected.

“I see.”

“I can’t help but feel grateful.”

“What do you mean…”

“Just as I have feelings for you… you also…”

Looking into her wide amber eyes, Esperad finally finished his sentence.

“…love me.”

“You… love me?”

She asked in a shaky voice, stammering.

Esperad answered with a face full of certainty.

“From long ago. Even before I could define these feelings… I was already in love.”

He hadn’t thought he’d be able to confess so soon.

To him, Asilie had always been kind and gentle, but at the same time, she had kept her guard up.

Esperad didn’t want to tear down the wall she had built. He wanted to wait until she could bring it down herself.

Even if that would take a painfully long time, he had planned to wait.

He was prepared for it, which made this moment come faster than he expected.

But surprisingly, the Esperad who had believed he could wait endlessly was now impatient.

He could no longer say with confidence that he could wait any longer.

The moment he heard her beautiful confession, all of his patience vanished.

“I love you, Asilie.”

“Ah…”

As he looked into her amber eyes filled with tears, Esperad finally completed his confession.

“Even if it’s hard to believe… I had to tell you.”

“…”

“Asilie you are now the reason I live and breathe.”

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