Weakness Trap - Chapter 44

“I’ve gone mad, and you won’t allow me to be mad. I’m alive, yet you won’t let me live well. Now, I don’t want any of it. None of it! Fame, fortune, power, medical skills, knowledge, I don’t want any of it! I only want her. I only want to go to her And even this, you won’t let me have?”

Yu Lingxue trembled all over, unsure whether it was from the cold or the pain.

“I’ve never had freedom. Never. She was the closest I ever came to happiness, the one I should have loved most. I just want to go to her, I’ve never harmed anyone, never hurt anyone. In this lifetime, I’ve saved so many people, helped so many From the day I made my vow to the Buddha, I’ve even walked with caution, careful not to inadvertently harm any living being.”

“Now, I just want to go to her. I’m just too tired. I can’t go on anymore. Why must you stop me?”

A single question, light as a feather, struck deep in the heart.

The housekeeper wept as he listened. Yu Yuehuan turned her head away.

In the hallway, Yan Lanshen covered her ears, as if Yu Lingxue hadn’t posed a question but had torn her eardrums apart.

“Do I not even have the freedom to die?” Yu Lingxue, tears streaming down her face, hoarsely questioned everyone.

Why wasn’t she allowed to live well, and why wasn’t she allowed to die?

Was watching her suffer such a joyous thing?

Yu Lingxue felt only despair.

In a daze, she didn’t know who carried her away or where she was taken.

She only felt so cold.

Were those ten minutes Yu Qingluan was trapped in the fire as despairing as this?

Was it as cold, as painful?

No, that’s not right,

Yu Qingluan died in the fire. How could she have been cold?

The only one cold was herself. Only that heartless ash.

Yu Lingxue climbed out of bed. Yu Qingluan’s urn was on the nightstand.

She held it tightly, as if holding Yu Qingluan.

Yu Qingluan wouldn’t respond to her, wouldn’t forgive her.

In this way, she was bound to punish her for a lifetime.

Yu Lingxue wept tears of blood, calling out Yu Qingluan’s name again and again.

Again and again, she wanted to join her.

Living was so painful.

She always made mistakes. All kinds of mistakes. Every moment, she was making mistakes.

She broke off the engagement at the wrong time, fell in love with the wrong person.

Wrongly placed her at the bottom of everything, wrongly repented, wanting to win her back.

And, with grievous sin, thinking she was doing good, gave her a little convenience.

Never imagining it would harm her, leaving nothing but a single garment in this world.

Was her existence meaningless?

Yu Lingxue felt as if her eyes were closed, her wrist aching, her neck in pain.

She couldn’t tell the difference, only knowing she was so cold.

“Xue’er ” Yu Yuehuan stayed by her side, sleepless through the night, stopping her hand as she tried to stab herself.

All sharp objects in the room had been removed.

Thinking Yu Lingxue would surely try to go to Yu Qingluan, Yu Yuehuan had placed the urn beside her pillow.

Who would have thought Yu Lingxue would try to crash into it, or use a corner of the box to cut her own skin?

Yu Yuehuan could only hold Yu Lingxue tightly, preventing her from acting.

“Please, don’t stop me.” Recognizing who was beside her, Yu Lingxue bit her lip until it hurt, her nose aching with sorrow.

“Why? You you’re my daughter.” Yu Yueheng stroked Yu Lingxue’s hair, repeatedly adjusting her collar and hairstyle, trying to hide those terrifying white strands among the black.

“I’m really tired.” Yu Lingxue’s heart ached too.

She was truly exhausted.

She couldn’t hold on any longer.

Why had they been so cruel to her? Why had they taken away the only person she ever loved?

“But Mother can’t bear to lose you.” Yu Yueheng rarely spoke like this.

Such emotional words, so unlike her usual demeanor.

Yu Lingxue froze abruptly, tears welling in her eyes, glistening.

“Xue’er Although Mother wasn’t there to watch you grow up, I’ve always been keeping an eye on you.” Without power, anyone in a wealthy family was constrained by circumstances.

Yu Yueheng’s only act of rebellion was going to the Yan family to reclaim her young daughter.

Afterward, though mother and daughter were separated, and she didn’t raise Yu Lingxue,

she still watched from time to time as that little one learned needlework, memorized texts.

During New Year’s, when the child would sneak over to her side, asking for red envelopes and candies.

Yu Lingxue probably didn’t remember.

When she was little, she always liked to come find her.

Each visit lasted no more than an hour before the nanny or tutor would take her back.

But in that hour, Yu Yueheng would read her storybooks, give her hidden snacks.

Hold her, comb her hair over and over, braid it into a net-like pattern.

Later, Yu Lingxue grew up, no longer clinging to her mother, no longer coming to see her.

She gained more freedom, occasionally able to visit Yu Lingxue.

She knew this child disliked hospitals, disliked doctors.

When sick, she refused to take medicine, stubbornly enduring until her health deteriorated, so Yu Yueheng would tirelessly remind her to take medicine, insisting she rest in the hospital.

She knew this child loved running around in thin clothes even in winter, so she bought her many coats and sweaters, making sure she wore proper winter attire.

As Yu Yueheng recounted Yu Lingxue’s past, Yu Lingxue clutched her clothes, trembling and crying.

“I, I remember.” How could she forget?

It was just unclear, always confusing whether she was being held by her mother or the nanny.

But this wasn’t a comfort it was agony.

The pain of being unable to return. The pain of knowing that person couldn’t experience it, of empathizing, of suffering in her place.

“So, Lingxue, could you not leave me?” Asking a mother to watch the flesh and blood she carried for ten months take her own life was too cruel.

Yu Yueheng couldn’t bear it, so she held Yu Lingxue tightly.

Yu Lingxue gripped Yu Yueheng’s back fiercely.

“So.” She took a breath, even now finding it unbearable, wanting to end this pain, wanting to immediately join Yu Qingluan.

“You want me to keep existing in agony because of you?” It felt as if she had scratched Yu Yueheng until she bled, or as if she had only wounded herself.

“Yes Mother is begging you too.” Yu Yueheng enveloped her pitiful, frail child in her arms.

“Please think of Mother. Think of Jian Xi, think of your sister, think of us.” Call her selfish.

She just didn’t want her child to leave like this.

Not after she had finally received a piece of good news.

Yu Lingxue sobbed, breathing rapidly, then suddenly coughed up a mouthful of blood before bursting into tears.

Why did they have to force her to choose?

She had just managed to make a decision.

She had just reached the point where the pain was unbearable, wanting to go be with her.

She had finally mustered the will to live for her sake.

Why cling to life now?

Would she soften her heart once more, repent again, remain in this world only to repeat her mistakes?

Yu Lingxue didn’t know.

But Yu Yueheng was pleading with her so desperately that she truly lost the courage to turn the blade against her own pulse again.

Once she stopped trying to sever them, those emotions began to stir.

Slowly gnawing away at Yu Lingxue’s heart.

Tormenting her, leaving her helpless.

Yu Lingxue took a deep breath, grounding herself in the sensation of her feet on the floor.

Reaffirming her existence through the searing pain.

She wept for what felt like an eternity.

And Yu Yueheng held her throughout.

Only when the blood had dried to a rusty brown did Yu Lingxue finally release her grip.

“Mom, I’m hungry ” Pressing a hand to her unsettled stomach, Yu Lingxue felt a faint flicker of life stir within her.

She turned her head and caught sight of the small box, a sharp pang shooting through her nerves like an electric shock, bringing fresh tears to her eyes.

“I’ll make you something to eat, and then I have good news to share.” Yu Yueheng held Yu Lingxue close, unwilling to leave her alone, and guided her into the kitchen.

Yu Lingxue sat quietly on the small stool Yu Yueheng had brought, watching her mother cook.

She observed Yu Yueheng’s clumsy chopping and her careful measuring of seasonings according to the recipe.

Once again, her thoughts drifted to Yu Qingluan.

“She was really good at cooking.” Even the smallest things reminded Yu Lingxue of Yu Qingluan.

Yu Qingluan was etched into her bones, woven into her very flesh and blood.

Every moment that could be called living was somehow tied to Yu Qingluan.

How could she ever move past this loss?

Yu Lingxue buried her head, curling into herself.

“She cooked for me once or twice. Once, it was steamed egg custard Mom, do we have any steamed egg custard?”

Muttering to herself, Yu Lingxue suddenly looked up and tugged at Yu Yueheng’s sleeve.

“Let me check the recipe.” Yu Yueheng didn’t know how to make steamed egg custard, nor did she want to upset Yu Lingxue further.

But if Yu Lingxue said she wanted it, what else could she do?

Yu Lingxue crouched in the corner of the kitchen, staring blankly at Yu Yueheng’s feet.

Just like when she was little.

She used to sneak off to find Yu Yueheng to play. Because Yu Yueheng would always give her treats and keep her company.

Back then, if she didn’t look up, all she could see were Yu Yueheng’s legs.

Yu Lingxue counted her tears, drop by drop.

How pitiful that she still clung to those memories.

How pitiful that she couldn’t escape this wretched world.

Eating the bland version of steamed egg custard Yu Yueheng had made, Yu Lingxue blinked, her tears now dried up.

She took a bite, paused for a while, then took another.

In the end, she couldn’t find the taste of Yu Qingluan.

How she hated it.

“Let me start with what you’ll be most interested in.” After the meal, Yu Yueheng led Yu Lingxue out of the bridal chamber.

Sitting in the car, Yu Lingxue didn’t understand Yu Yueheng’s meaning, but at least, over the past few days, she hadn’t seen Yan Lanshen once.

That was for the best.

Yu Lingxue clutched the box in her palm, her bag holding a sewing kit.

Inside the sewing kit lay the torn confession letter Yu Qingluan had destroyed.

If she couldn’t die, she would mend that confession letter.

Beyond that, she had nothing left.

The other things Yu Qingluan had given her were all in Chu City. She hadn’t been able to bring them back; they were all lost.

There were no traces of Yu Qingluan in Harbor City. As for Chu City, Yu Lingxue didn’t dare go.

She feared that place would be filled with reminders of Yu Qingluan, yet devoid of Yu Qingluan herself.

“Yu Qingluan might not be dead.” The first words from Yu Yueheng’s mouth made Yu Lingxue slowly lift her head, her eyes involuntarily widening.

“How? Why?” Yu Lingxue suddenly found strength, sitting up, setting down the box, and grabbing Yu Yueheng’s arm.

“No body was found at the scene, no remains. Only a pile of ashes with no test results, I tend to believe the girl survived and managed to escape. But clearly, she doesn’t want to see you either, which is why she faked her death.” Yu Yueheng gently stroked Yu Lingxue’s head.

Telling Yu Lingxue this might not truly be for her own good.

But at least, for now, Yu Lingxue wouldn’t think about joining Yu Qingluan or doing anything drastic.

Yu Lingxue opened the urn and looked at the pile of ashes inside.

She couldn’t tell what kind of ashes they were.

After the fire was put out, she had only found this in the shop and thought it really was,

Clutching the box, Yu Lingxue actually regained some strength. Her limbs no longer felt as cold, and the long sleeves and pants began to feel uncomfortably warm.

She scratched at the hem of her pants.

“Then, then I’ll go look for her.” If she’s not dead, would Yu Qingluan go home?

Of course she would. She has a mother and friends. Chu City is her home she would definitely return.

“She might not want to see you,” Yu Yueheng pressed down on Yu Lingxue’s shoulder.

“But, I just want to see her. Just a glance from afar, one glance is enough. As long as she’s alive. As long as she didn’t leave because of me, that’s all I need.”

It was unclear whether she was trying to deceive Yu Yueheng or fooling herself.