Waiting for You for a Long Time, But You Haven't Arrived - Chapter 52

I shall only love you; do not push me away

“I was once an arrogant villain who could not let go of my pride. I spoke only with bitterness and spite,” Jiang Qionghua said to Ming Yishu, pointing to her own heart. “For the past thirty-four years, all my conscience was traded for ambition. I did not even know what I was pursuing; power was never the thing I loved most. But here… there was always a piece missing. A cold wind leaked in at every moment, leaving me perpetually restless and grieving. Yet, since I met you, I finally learned that life has its joys. All the power I chased and the treasures I obtained sparked a single thought: I wanted to bring them back to the manor. You said the Prime Minister’s residence was your home, so I thought I must bring all the good things home to you. Ming Yishu, do you know? I have never treated anyone like this before.”

Ming Yishu refused to look at her. “If the Right Prime Minister is willing, you can treat others this way in the future. I have only delayed you for six years. If you live a long life, there are many more six-year periods in your future.”

All of Jiang Qionghua’s sincere affection was instantly extinguished. She spoke with a voice full of weakness and sorrow, “Ming Yishu, do not speak like that.”

Ming Yishu remained steadfast. She spoke coldly, “Since you do not wish to hear what I say, and I do not wish to hear what you say, what is the point of us speaking here? It would be better to simply break apart and for you to find the next person…”

“Every year a person lives has meaning, and every person encountered and every feeling felt is irreplaceable. Loving one specific person may sound fragile or absurd, but I do not think so. The time we spent together and the things we experienced will never happen with anyone else. There will never be a second Ming Yishu in this world. I will only love you—I love the memories of the past, I love your temperament; even when you are scolding me, I find joy in it,” Jiang Qionghua said. “Yishu, I say all this not to beg for your forgiveness, but only to ask that you stop trying to push me to someone else. You clearly know that it is impossible for me to find anyone else. If I were truly fickle, what was I doing for those thirty-four years before you?”

Ming Yishu’s heart wavered slightly; she actually found a bit of logic in those words. However, she quickly regained her composure and maintained her resolve.

“The Right Prime Minister is indeed well-versed in the art of flowery words. When there is a goal you wish to achieve, you are truly capable of humbling yourself,” Ming Yishu said with a mocking smile. “Then, when you said those hurtful things to me before, you must have been fully aware of what you were doing. It wasn’t that you didn’t understand these things; you simply didn’t deign to speak to me properly. You weren’t willing to stoop down to hear what I was thinking or care about my feelings. It was only when you realized I was leaving that you felt a sense of crisis and lowered your face to beg me to stay.”

Jiang Qionghua fell silent.

Ming Yishu knew she had hit the mark. She looked up at Jiang Qionghua, waiting to see how the other woman would sugarcoat the truth this time. She wanted to know how far this person could go with a mouth full of lies, and if she would still use those old tricks against a version of herself that was finally “awake.”

“Yes. I was indeed arrogant. I did not realize your worth,” Jiang Qionghua finally faced her faults directly, speaking her sins plainly to Ming Yishu. “You stayed by my side so wholeheartedly, yet I turned a blind eye. I once believed you would never leave me, and I did indeed lose my mind because of your departure. I tested you over and over, doubted you, and tormented you in the way I would treat ordinary people. It was my fault. Since I love you, I should not have treated you that way. There is only one Ming Yishu in the world; I should have treated you differently. Before, I did not understand this truth, but I will never make that mistake again.”

“But we were never meant to be the same kind of people.”

Now that the facade had been torn away, Ming Yishu didn’t mind telling her the reality.

“I do not belong here. Eventually, I must return to the place I came from—a place where all living beings are generally equal, and one cannot simply decide who lives or dies. In the eyes of my world, lovers should be each other’s only one; there should be no bullying or humiliation. Therefore, Jiang Qionghua, I can never understand you, and I can never empathize with you. Your arrogance comes from the reinforcement of power, whereas I would never use such reasons to bully anyone.” Ming Yishu smiled, speaking with a sense of release. “What stands between us is not just thousands of years of time, but the dynasties, cultures, and mindsets attached to those years. You might not understand this, but it is the truth. You cannot comprehend my thoughts, nor can you change my choices. Since that is the case, there is truly no need to force this fate.”

Jiang Qionghua felt a profound sense of tragedy, as if a heavy mountain were pressing down on her. In that moment, she seemed to witness the cultural divide as vast as a thick history book. This span of time was too long, and the world Ming Yishu had seen was too prosperous; she could not even imagine it, which made her feel all the more powerless.

Seeing the flicker in her eyes, Ming Yishu seized the opportunity to persuade her further: “Qionghua, let go. Give up on me and end this mistaken beginning.”

Jiang Qionghua’s tears fell.

She cupped Ming Yishu’s palms and pressed her forehead against the back of the other’s hand, as if trying to transmit her helpless, desperate emotions. “I am not reconciled to this. I do not want to let go.”

“It doesn’t matter. Just treat it as an unpleasant dream and forget it,” Ming Yishu said, her tone becoming uncharacteristically gentle now that she believed the departure was final. “You have had your way for many years. You don’t need to be unreconciled just because of a temporary setback. Losing me alone is nothing; after all, not many people know the truth of the matter, so your dignity will not be damaged.”

“If you don’t want me anymore, what do I need dignity for?” Jiang Qionghua’s eyes were wet with tears, the corners of her eyes flushed with pain. She seemed to still be struggling to keep her. “Yishu, I want to say… we don’t necessarily have to agree on everything. It’s okay to have different ideas. I can accommodate your thoughts; I can change slowly… Or, can you take me with you to where you came from? This time, I will be the one to go to a foreign land alone to accompany you. I can adapt very quickly…”

“Yes, haha…” Ming Yishu looked blankly at the empty night sky. She nodded in agreement with the idea as if her mood had lightened, letting out a laugh.

But immediately after, her delicate brows furrowed, and she broke down into uncontrollable sobbing.

Jiang Qionghua was startled by this reaction of both laughing and crying, thinking she had triggered the other person. She hurried to comfort her.

“Yishu, what is wrong? It was my big mouth. I won’t say it anymore. Please don’t cry.”

“Jiang Qionghua, do you know what you are?” Ming Yishu pulled at her sleeve in a state of emotional collapse, saying sorrowfully, “What do you think you are? You cannot even be considered a real existence. You are merely a person in a painting. I entered this ‘painting’ and became entangled with you for years, but there will never be a result. You cannot keep me, and I must eventually leave you and watch you dissipate. When I leave one day, this ‘painting’ will vanish. These years of grievances and love are all a joke. It was I who felt real emotion, yet you are such a flesh-and-blood creation—how can I not love you, and how can I not feel chilled to the bone?”

“What?” This was clearly beyond Jiang Qionghua’s understanding. She allowed Ming Yishu to pull her, asking dazedly, “What do you mean ‘a person in a painting’? Are you trying to say—that I am fake?”

Ming Yishu ignored her, only continuing to smile through her tears.

She finally understood why some people in reality would sincerely love “paper characters” (fictional characters)—why they loved those who existed only in books. Such behavior seemed so incomprehensible to the world, yet no one knew that once you had touched and understood a person from a book, it was incredibly difficult to “exit the scene.”

Ming Yishu had stayed here for seven years. Every person here was so real, with their own joys and sorrows. She was not a heartless person; she was capable of loving. But if she were to leave one day and return to reality, how would she face everything there?

She seemed to have lost the courage to remember. The thought of being so emotionally invested in a “fake paper person” for all these years made her want to laugh and cry at the same time.

Being betrayed emotionally didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore, because Jiang Qionghua was just a character on paper. In this world, she was the only one truly acting in the play. She was meant to be lonely; investing more emotion only served to highlight her own ridiculous behavior.

It was all wrong. Everything was wrong.

None of this had any meaning, including this conversation with Jiang Qionghua. It was all meaningless.

After weeping for a long time, Ming Yishu’s gaze shifted as she calmed down. She no longer viewed the other as an equal to talk to; Jiang Qionghua was no longer a “person” she could entrust her heart to. Towards a phantom that did not exist, she could be even more indifferent. What did it matter if she ignored her?

Ming Yishu smiled and glanced at Jiang Qionghua as if looking at a toy, then stood up and walked outside.

Jiang Qionghua immediately felt a sense of threat. This crisis was far more severe than the one before. Their estrangement had grown; Ming Yishu’s gaze was no longer that of someone looking at a “human being.” In the other’s eyes, she was like a lifeless object, a non-existent thing.

Zhuangzi dreamed he was a butterfly, and did not know if he was Zhuangzi dreaming of a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming of being Zhuangzi.

Jiang Qionghua’s perception of reality was overturned by Ming Yishu. She couldn’t help but doubt her own existence. She followed Ming Yishu out despondently. Even though her mind was in chaos, she had to stay by her side every step of the way.

There were many things she couldn’t figure out, but she knew that only by following Ming Yishu closely could she avoid losing even more.

“Yishu, you and I are the same,” Jiang Qionghua spoke behind her, her voice sounding lost as if she were comforting herself as much as the other. “I have not been close to anyone else for all these years, and you have also been single-mindedly good to me. We are the same kind of people. Even if a rift has grown between us today, you did not seek out anyone else. In your heart… is there still a tiny space left for me? Can I continue to stay in that small corner, waiting for you to change your mind?

We still have many years. Do not be afraid. I will persevere. Until the day I dissipate, I will continue to love you.

If one day I die and cannot return with you, and you go back to your hometown… then forget me. In the real world, go find someone else to love.

I won’t be able to see you anymore, so I won’t be able to pester you.

Only in that way can I pretend to be a bit more generous and let you be with someone else.

After all, I am not real; I am just a ‘person in a painting’ who can vanish at any moment. I cannot hold you back.”

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