To Marry My Little Chestnut - Chapter 32

The entire study felt like a vast web stretching out from all directions, dragging Yu Yan into every hidden story within it. From the walls to the area around the computer, the dim light of the study pulled him into the damp, private secrets belonging to Zheng Tingyang.

After being married for so long, Yu Yan had believed the only gap between them was that single moment when they were seventeen. He thought they were unfamiliar with each other and needed to slowly adjust after marriage to find passion.

But the photos on the walls told a different story.

They covered his entire university life—joining clubs, eating in the cafeteria, and walking with Xiang Qian. There was even a photo where both of them were the subjects. Zheng Tingyang was wrapped in bandages, his eyes red and a bloody gash still visible on his brow. He stood by the roadside making a peace sign at the camera, while in the background, Yu Yan was just leaving the gates of Haicheng University. They were only a road apart, yet they had not seen each other.

Yu Yan had assumed Tingyang blamed him for his coldness back then. He thought that if he had not taken the initiative during the first three months of their marriage, they would have hardly spoken at all.

But it was not like that. Dense rows of photos on the wall recorded his abdomen as it slowly began to protrude. Every detail of his life was there. Yu Yan looked at the photo of them missing each other in college and touched the seventeen-year-old love letter pieced together on the desk. His heart ached with bitterness.

It had never been a one-sided performance.

Large tears fell down Yu Yan’s pale face, his eyes red from crying. He held the love letter, his fingertips trembling as he looked up at Zheng Tingyang. “Tingyang.”

“Are you afraid?” Zheng Tingyang’s dark gaze was fixed firmly on his face. “Little Fish, I thought I had done well enough.”

“Little Fish, I know I am not worthy of you. I wanted to become wealthy and powerful. I thought once I had everything, I could marry you. But why was it so hard? Why was it so slow? Why did it seem forever impossible?”

When his foster father was killed years ago, Zheng Tingyang had felt a secret joy. It was a release. His foster father had treated him like a slave since childhood, beating him like an animal and never seeing him as a human being. Seeing that man’s greed lead to a death without a whole corpse left him feeling vindicated.

But he quickly realized that in the eyes of Old Mr. Yu, he was still just an ant. He could not get close to his moon. The old man could have killed him at any moment. He had no power to change the course of his first love. They were worlds apart; Yu Yan was beyond his reach.

By all accounts, an average Beta should never have had the chance to meet an Omega like Yu Yan again after high school graduation.

Zheng Tingyang cupped Yu Yan’s face, his own tears flowing down. “Your father did not deserve you. He treated you that way when he went bankrupt. Now that he is dead, no one can stop us from being together like they did when we were seventeen. Little Fish, he was not worthy.”

He had crawled up inch by inch, step by step.

“After high school, I started risking my life for Pei Changji. At first, I was at the docks carrying heavy loads and working on foreign ships. I was willing to do anything. Little Fish, I just did not want you to suffer. That year, I took a bullet for someone and nearly died abroad. It was snowing heavily that day, and I was terrified. Little Fish, I am also afraid of death. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw you crying back then, saying I had no right to love you. You are so soft-hearted that you even cried while rejecting me. If I died and could not marry you, I would not trust anyone else you married.”

“But after marrying you, I realized how ridiculous it all was. Why is everyone else an Alpha? They are born with things that I can only get through a lifetime of struggle. Little Fish, I am so unwilling!” He screamed at the injustice of the world.

Why? Why!

Why did his desperate efforts still yield no perfect result? Money and power were nothing but garbage. He had cleared away everything and possessed it all, yet his heart remained empty. He could never truly possess the person he loved most; even being with him caused Yu Yan to suffer. He wanted to ask fate exactly why things had to be this way. Could people in love truly not end up together?

Yu Yan’s ears buzzed, and his eyes grew red with sorrow. His fingers reached out to touch Zheng Tingyang’s cheek, his voice trembling. “Tingyang.”

Zheng Tingyang was terrified of every word Yu Yan might say. He feared he would say he did not love him or that he wanted to leave.

“I made the Yu family go bankrupt. I found someone to collect his body abroad. He did not deserve to be your father, and he did not deserve to control your life! Yu Yan, hate me.” Zheng Tingyang held him tightly, as if trying to merge Yu Yan into his own flesh and blood. Yu Yan’s slender body leaned entirely into his embrace as he sobbed. “Hate me to death if you must, but do not leave. Do not leave.”

“I cannot let you go.”

Yu Yan had just woken up and had little strength. He was held so tightly he could barely breathe. He slowly reached out to return the man’s hug. He wanted to touch the scars on Zheng Tingyang’s body, but his fingertips felt a warm slickness. The man’s nape was bleeding. There was so much blood.

Zheng Tingyang’s back was covered in tattoos, hiding all his scars within the ink. This was what Zheng Tingyang considered his “minor illness.” He suffered from severe bipolar disorder that had shifted from depression into manic agitation. He hated his own perceived incompetence—that he could never mark Yu Yan.

He wanted it so badly. He wanted to mark Yu Yan so that his entire scent and every pore would be covered by his own essence. Since he was seventeen, he had been cutting open his own nape, touching the raw wounds as they tore open. He used that pain to pretend he was experiencing the agony of an Alpha’s heat. Only that pain made him feel, however briefly, that he had become an Alpha.

“Tingyang, you are hurt,” Yu Yan choked out.

Zheng Tingyang nudged his nose affectionately against Yu Yan’s, his tears falling onto Yu Yan’s face. “Baby, I will have a gland too. I definitely will. I invested in a project, and there will be results within a few years. A gland will grow here.”

His nape was a mess of scars. As Yu Yan’s fingertips covered the area, all he felt were small, raised scars, usually hidden beneath his short hair. Yu Yan could no longer hold it back. His tears fell one after another. He did not want to cry; he had known since he was a child that tears were useless, but his heart ached.

Seeing Yu Yan’s tear-stained face, Zheng Tingyang regretted letting him know all this. His heart felt as though it were being twisted by a knife. “Did I scare you?”

Zheng Tingyang knew he was despicable. He was unscrupulous in business, stepping over others to secure a deal. He was vengeful and would not even spare his lover’s father. He had even thought that if Yu Yan did not love him, it was a punishment from God. Now that Yu Yan knew everything, he would never let him leave. Even if Yu Yan hated him or saw him as an enemy, he accepted it. Mutual torment would be enough to last until they were old.

“Zheng Tingyang,” Yu Yan’s lashes fluttered. After a long silence, he asked with difficulty, “Does it hurt?”

Zheng Tingyang froze. His Adam’s apple moved as he watched the tears fall from Yu Yan’s long lashes. His very breathing seemed tied to Yu Yan’s movements.

Yu Yan was so overwhelmed by tears that he could hardly speak. He tilted his head back and sobbed, “Tingyang, my heart aches for you. You have had it so hard.”

Zheng Tingyang looked at him blankly, a roar echoing in his mind. Yu Yan’s shoulders, collarbones, and even his lips bore the marks of his torment. His wrists were red from being shackled. He was pregnant and covered in injuries, yet he stood there weeping not for himself, but for him.

Zheng Tingyang had expected hatred and resentment. There was none. Yu Yan cried until he was a mess, and Zheng Tingyang’s heart broke along with him. Did his Little Fish’s tears come not from fear, but from pity?

“I do not want you to be hurt. I do not.”

Zheng Tingyang stood stunned. He lifted Yu Yan’s chin, his voice heavy. “If you pity me, why did you want to leave?”

“I knew he was dead, and I wanted to go see him. He raised me for so many years. He always hoped I would marry someone wealthy and powerful. I wanted to tell him that I did. I married the one he never allowed me to like—Zheng Tingyang. I wanted to tell him personally that I love you, so that he could see it clearly even in death.”

Zheng Tingyang’s mind buzzed. His broad palms cupped Yu Yan’s face, where the tears felt like a tiny ocean that could easily drown him. He stared deeply into Yu Yan’s eyes, thinking of the atrocities he had committed in bed two days ago. Bitter regret flooded his soul.

His heart was being shredded.

“I am sorry, baby. I am so sorry. I did not mean to treat you like that. I was just afraid you would leave.” He cupped Yu Yan’s face and kissed him with desperate tenderness. “I thought you were going, and my heart was breaking. Baby.”

What on earth had he done?

Yu Yan was pregnant, working so hard to carry their child, yet he had bound him to a bed and watched him cry and suffocate. Was he even human? Yu Yan’s breathing became labored from crying, and as he tried to speak again, his vision went black and he fainted.

Yu Yan could not handle such stress during pregnancy. After the intense physical toll of the previous days, his body was at its limit. He was running a fever, and the last thing he heard before losing consciousness was Zheng Tingyang frantically calling his name.

The brief fainting spell terrified Zheng Tingyang. He carried Yu Yan back to the room and called Zhou Jiangru, who knew immediately what was wrong. She told him to apply medicine to Yu Yan’s body and use alcohol to cool his fever.

“Take a good look at the injuries on his body, Zheng Tingyang. He is your person, not your enemy. Did you marry him just to torture him? Now that he knows about your illness, what do you plan to do?”

Zheng Tingyang applied a simple bandage to his own nape to stop the bleeding, a process he was well-acquainted with. As for his illness? What could he do? The obsession with becoming an Alpha was too deeply rooted. A man who could not give his wife the best, who had to watch him suffer through the instincts of a heat after marriage because he lacked what others had naturally—how could he overcome such failure?

Zheng Tingyang wiped Yu Yan’s body. After two days, the marks had not faded; instead, they looked even more piercing. Xiang Qian had called countless times, and this time, Zheng Tingyang answered.

“Zheng Tingyang! Do not think just because my family does business with you that I will take your side. If you do not explain the cheating, I will do everything in my power to make Little Fish divorce you! Yu Yan is just a fool; even if he knows you are cheating, he refuses to leave, insisting on talking to you once he gets back. Talk about what? What did you do to him? Let him answer the phone!”

Zheng Tingyang looked at the sickly Yu Yan on the bed, his voice low. “He is ill.” He then caught the keyword. “What cheating?”

Xiang Qian, thinking he was denying it, sent the video directly to him while cursing him for being heartless. “Has Yu Yan not suffered enough from his father? You cannot treat him like this, Zheng Tingyang.”

The small figure on the bed had eyes swollen like walnuts. Even in his faint, he occasionally sobbed. He was heavily pregnant and had already been struggling with morning sickness. Zheng Tingyang forced himself to sit by the bed and watch, not daring to blink. His heart felt as though it were being repeatedly torn apart and stitched back together.

The person he treasured most had been broken by his own hands. His Little Fish was the kindest soul in the world, not blaming or hating him, only caring if he was in pain.

When he saw the video Xiang Qian sent, he realized the entire absurd situation was nothing but a misunderstanding. He called Jing Chen. “Come to my house tomorrow and explain what is going on with you and Xiao Kai.”

Jing Chen was confused. “Big brother, our business is none of your concern, right? Your own house is on fire; do not let it spread to me. You have missed your check-up for three weeks. Did you lose control two days ago and haven’t recovered yet? What kind of madness is this?”

Zheng Tingyang replied, “If you do not come, I will have Xiao Kai come instead. It is up to you.”

“Hey! Are you threatening your doctor?”

Before he could finish, Zheng Tingyang hung up. His entire focus was on Yu Yan.

Yu Yan woke up around seven the next morning after sleeping through the night. Zheng Tingyang was there, asking with his usual concern if he felt unwell.

“My eyes hurt,” Yu Yan breathed. He reached out and hooked his pinky finger around Zheng Tingyang’s. “Do you hurt?”

Yu Yan sat up slowly. His mind was a mess of tangled threads. How did his father die? What illness did Tingyang have? Why was it still so sad when they loved each other and were married? Yu Yan felt he was a bit foolish.

There was a clear, shimmering light in his eyes. Zheng Tingyang’s heart skipped a beat. He sat by the bed and gently wiped away Yu Yan’s tears, his voice tender and hoarse. “Why are you crying? Do you still feel unwell?” He paused, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “If you do not want to see me, I will leave first.”

He knew his actions were inexcusable. Forcing himself on a pregnant partner—it was only natural for Yu Yan to fear him.

“Tingyang.” Yu Yan grabbed his hand and looked up with red eyes. “I want to talk to you.”

“Hmm?”

“Let us not fight anymore, okay?”

“Okay,” Zheng Tingyang said. “What do you want to say?”

“I was not going to leave. I do not want to be without you. Carrying the baby is very hard. I miss you. Can we speak properly from now on? Do not treat me like you did the past few days. You would not listen to me. It made my heart hurt.”

Zheng Tingyang felt a sharp pang in his chest. “Yes, okay. It was my fault.” Thinking back to how Yu Yan had nearly suffocated from crying, Zheng Tingyang felt a lingering dread.

Yu Yan lowered his head and bit his lip. “In the future, I might not have a good job or be able to help you in the company like others. I was raised poorly by my father. Other than being a ‘trophy,’ I do not know how to do anything. Actually, when I first found out I was pregnant, I was very happy to have a child with you.”

“You say you do not know how to do anything, yet you earn thirty-five hundred a month and still buy fertilizer for my plants and twenty-eight hundred yuan neckties?”

Yu Yan said, “Yes, because I like you very much. I have never been in a relationship before, so I did not know how to handle things.” He placed his small hand over Zheng Tingyang’s palm. “These years have been harder for you than for me. It must have been very difficult, right?”

Zheng Tingyang’s heart broke and melted all at once. He met Yu Yan’s starry eyes. Without warning, he leaned forward and cupped the back of Yu Yan’s head, his fingers sliding through his short hair. He pressed a kiss directly onto his lips.

Perhaps because the pain had been too great or his heart was too full, he was completely disoriented by Yu Yan’s words. As their lips met, he let out a faint, satisfied sigh. The kiss was so sudden that Yu Yan was caught off guard, their breathing heavy and intimate. He hovered over Yu Yan, their combined breath enveloping them.

The reason he loved Yu Yan was exactly because of that one phrase: “It must have been very difficult.” Yu Yan’s soul was that of a caged bird with no wings—beautiful, flawless, and capable of captivating his soul just as he was.

Zheng Tingyang’s eyes grew red, and his voice was raspy. “Yu Yan.”

“Do you… do you still like me too?” Yu Yan asked with a small, careful breath.

After a few seconds of silence, Zheng Tingyang’s voice was grainy with emotion. “I love you.”

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