The Person I Loved Hated Me - Chapter 10

After bowing his head and confessing his feelings to Isaac, Eivard finished his evening meal for sustenance and returned to the dormitory.

Dining alone, he couldn’t taste the food. It was likely psychological because on days he could see Clara, he could taste it perfectly fine even when eating alone.

Still, it was better than when he was at the Marquis’ estate. There, even when surrounded by everyone at the table, the beautiful-looking meals felt like chewing sand.

Eivard lay down on his bed without turning on the lights, took off his boots, let out a deep sigh, and covered his face with his arm.

Showing weakness was a sin. It gave others an opening to hurt you. And especially when the other person was Isaac. He had expected that confessing his true feelings would bring considerable pain and humiliation.

But when he actually did it, he felt no pain or humiliation at all. Instead, for the first time in his life, confessing the weakness he had been carrying made him feel refreshed.

He lifted the arm covering his face and stared at his own hand.

Eivard’s earliest memory was of his tutor striking the back of his hand with a whip.

He must have been three or four years old at the time.

Compared to his older brothers, Eivard was slow, and when he couldn’t solve a problem within the time limit, he was punished. At dinner, when his grandfather noticed Eivard’s red, swollen hand, he felt happy, thinking his grandfather would scold the tutor.

But that expectation was betrayed.

After summoning the nanny and hearing the story, his grandfather commanded the tutor the next day to be even stricter and ensure results. Upon learning that Eivard had been crying in the corner of the room after being whipped, his grandfather forbade him from showing weakness, saying, “Have you no pride as a member of the Trulin Marquis family? Do not disgrace us.”

His parents looked at the underperforming Eivard with stern expressions, while smiling at his capable older brothers and sisters.

Eivard desperately worked hard, hoping to receive those smiles too, but even now, he still couldn’t meet his grandfather’s or parents’ expectations.

He already knew Isaac wasn’t the kind of cold person Eivard’s family was.

Eivard had thought his upbringing was perfectly normal, but after joining the knight order, moving into the dormitory, and living among commoners, he learned the differences in lifestyle, thinking, and sensibilities between nobles and commoners.

Even so, he had expected Isaac to reject the confession of a man who had scorned and belittled his sister, to say, “What nonsense!” and shower him with insults. Because that’s what should have happened. From now on, Eivard would no longer be able to hold the upper hand with Isaac. Even knowing that, he had confessed honestly because Clara existed.

Yes, Clara.

Thanks to her or perhaps because of her even though he was now at a disadvantage, he felt no frustration. No despair, either.

There was no fear of disappointing his grandfather or parents, no dread of facing their looks of disappointment.

Instead, he felt satisfaction at having been able to show his weakness to Isaac.

“Clara. You’re like a patch of sunlight.”

Just saying those words brought Clara’s smile vividly to Eivard’s mind.

She hid nothing, had no ulterior motives. She simply directed her affection for Eivard with pure devotion.

Though he hesitated to see her, his feet would carry him to her anyway, and just seeing her smile enveloped him in peace and happiness.

Even if he confessed these feelings, he couldn’t make her happy. Every night, his spirits sank at his own inadequacy. This is the last time, it ends here. Even as he swore it in his heart, he couldn’t stop his feelings, and the days continued until Isaac finally returned from his expedition.

Three weeks after meeting Clara, Eivard found time to check on her whenever he could.

Just seeing her from afar made him happy, and something warm would well up inside. And when her gaze found him, her face breaking into a delighted smile as she waved. The feeling was so uplifting he felt he could fly. He would bask in the happiness of her running up to him and asking, “Is everything all right?”

Yes, Clara had become the woman who gave Eivard a kind of happiness he had never felt in all his life.

He gave her sweets with decorations he thought she’d like. It was his first time giving a gift to a woman, and his first time waiting in line at a popular shop to buy one.

“There’s a lovely park. Would you like to eat there together?”

When she invited him, he couldn’t say, “No, I don’t need any. I gave them to you.”

Though it was a familiar park Eivard knew well, filled with flowers with purple petals, with Clara there, it felt like a wonderful, entirely new landscape.

Wanting to spend more time with her, he made excuses—”I found this during patrol,” or “Someone recommended it”—and gave her various sweets.

How absurd it was to indulge in feelings that could never be, that should never be fulfilled. Even so, Eivard didn’t want to let go of these emotions and this peace, the first he had ever known.

But that ends today.

He swore to shake off these feelings. He promised himself he would erase them.

It surely wouldn’t be easy. Letting go of time once shared is no simple task. When he first met her, he never imagined his feelings would grow this strong.