The Moon Upon My Heart - Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Timidity

She Was Scared to Death by Her Own Guilt

That day, Shen Wangshu had returned from a business trip abroad to keep her appointment with Ji Fengyue. Ji Fengyue had said she prepared a surprise gift and was only waiting for her “fair lady.”

Shen Wangshu knew what that surprise was. Ji Fengyue had obtained the professional title she wanted, and she had meticulously prepared so many travel plans; they could finally go on a trip together.

On that rainy night with flickering neon lights, Ji Fengyue, full of anticipation, waited patiently for her friend to come home in the restaurant on the top floor of the building. But the car accident happened so suddenly… Shen Wangshu dared not imagine how devastated Ji Fengyue must have been when she received the contact call from the hospital.

Yet, Ji Fengyue still did everything she could. She calmly handled the procedures, patiently cared for her friend, and forced her exhausted body to stay in the hospital day after day. She even guarded the bedside every day, holding the patient’s hand and saying everything possible to a vegetable that might wake her up. The surgery had saved Shen Wangshu’s life, but it had turned her into a vegetable.

Watching her friend grow thinner and thinner, Shen Wangshu’s heart was in as much pain as if it were being cut by a knife every day. She was unwilling to burden that once confident and proud doctor any longer, and even less did she want to see her give up her future for her sake.

It was likely because of this thought that her body soon couldn’t hold on any longer. The only thing Shen Wangshu felt fortunate about was that she had not burdened her friend for too long.

But why was Ji Fengyue appearing here? Had she also been reborn because she, too, had passed away unexpectedly?

How could accidents happen one after another… was it because of her death?

The moment this thought appeared, surging emotions turned into teardrops, falling one by one from Shen Wangshu’s tightly closed eyes onto the back of her hand.

Shen Wangshu reflexively turned her body to block her companion’s potential gaze. She bit her lip hard and used all her strength to finally pull back the tears swirling in her eyes.

Shen Wangshu didn’t know if Ji Fengyue had noticed, nor did she dare to look. She could only pray in her heart—pray that the head teacher’s speech would end quickly so she could find an excuse to go to the infirmary, or the hospital, anywhere at all, just don’t let her stay beside Ji Fengyue anymore.

But unfortunate events always happen in succession. The dismissal bell Shen Wangshu had been longing for finally rang. The head teacher walked out of the classroom with the lesson plans, but Ji Fengyue suddenly grabbed her wrist, her tone as stiff as if it were squeezed out of her throat.

“Shen Wangshu, are you unwell? Do you want me to take you to the infirmary?”

Though they were words of concern and phrased as a question, when Shen Wangshu heard them, she instinctively looked up in panic.

She saw Ji Fengyue’s urgent, caring expression, and the watery light in her eyes couldn’t help but well up again, yet they remained frozen in her eyes, panicking and not daring to fall.

The girl pursed her lips and shook her head, her face as pale as snow, looking as if she were desperately enduring pain. Ji Fengyue stood up with a start. She stared straight at Shen Wangshu, a visible anger already surging in her eyes, and her words carried a raw, cold chill.

“I’m taking you to the infirmary. I’ll carry you there on my back.”

“If you’re sick, you have to see a doctor. Be good.”

“…I can go by myself.”

“I’ll accompany you. We are roommates, and roommates should help each other.”

Deterred by Ji Fengyue’s aura, Shen Wangshu opened her mouth, but when Ji Fengyue showed such an expression, no one could change her decision. She would not back down further.

The only resistance Shen Wangshu could manage was to insist on walking there herself.

The short distance from the fourth floor to the first-floor infirmary made Shen Wangshu feel as if every second were a year.

She was considerably supported by Ji Fengyue, yet her face grew paler. Compared to the physical pain, the swelling ache in her heart was what made her tears most ready to surge, but Shen Wangshu could only forcefully restrain them, not daring to let them fall.

The person she shared fifteen years of memories with, her most intimate and favorite person, had also been reborn. It should be a good thing, right?

But now, Shen Wangshu could no longer face her calmly, and even less could she accept her best friend’s unreserved care.

The most saddening and laughable thing was that Shen Wangshu was unable to voice any words of rejection to Ji Fengyue.

All she could do was use the pain as an excuse to remain silent, hanging her head and closing her eyes, not looking at Ji Fengyue’s expressions or movements, and not thinking about the other’s feelings. Like an ostrich burying its head in the sand to escape reality, escaping should have been useful, but why did Ji Fengyue’s voice keep drifting into her ears?

“…This morning Shen Wangshu told me she was very motion-sick and hadn’t rested well last night, so she’s unwell. I think it might be acute gastroenteritis caused by insufficient rest, long-term fatigue, and a weakened immune system,” Ji Fengyue added another sentence, “Perhaps she didn’t eat anything this evening.”

“So that’s how it is. Student Shen, where are you uncomfortable? Can you point out the location for me? Hmm, it should be gastroenteritis. Let’s do this: first take some antispasmodic medicine, then put you on a glucose drip, and observe you under fluid replacement in the infirmary. Student Ji, go and tell your head teacher about her situation. If she still has abdominal pain after finishing one bottle of medicine, she’ll need to go to the hospital emergency room for an exam.”

“Okay, I’ll go right now. Shen Wangshu, don’t worry, I’ll be back immediately.”

Hearing this, Shen Wangshu wanted to cry even more. She gave a muffled response, and only after Ji Fengyue walked out of the infirmary did she dare look up at the other’s back.

The school doctor smiled reassuringly at Shen Wangshu: “You’re new classmates who just met, not familiar yet, right?”

“…Mhm, we are roommates.”

“Truly a good child who cares for her classmates. Her way of speaking and her expressions don’t look like a student of your age.”

“…” Shen Wangshu said nothing. She took the medicine the school doctor handed over, quietly started the IV drip, and after saying “Thank you, doctor” to the school doctor, she began to daze again.

The school doctor looked at her expression, rubbed his chin, and felt that this also didn’t look like a fifteen-year-old kid. He shook his head, thinking to himself that old Liu would surely have a lot to worry about regarding these two young girls in the future.

Kids nowadays, each one is more difficult than the last.

Shen Wangshu lay on the sickbed, watching the medicine drop by drop. She heard footsteps outside the door and heard the conversation between the school doctor and the head teacher. Ji Fengyue proactively proposed to stay here and watch over her, her arguments well-reasoned; Teacher Liu was easily persuaded.

Afterward, they talked in the hallway. Shen Wangshu could only vaguely hear bits of the content. It was probably Teacher Liu hoping Ji Fengyue could pay more attention to her situation in the dormitory and so on.

Raising her hand to cover her eyes, a faint melancholy appeared on Shen Wangshu’s face.

Things had developed into the situation she least wanted to see. If the teacher really told Ji Fengyue to care more for her, she would have no reason to refuse her approach and care. Sigh!

Ji Fengyue knew her better than anyone else; Shen Wangshu was very clear on this point. On the first day of school, any abnormality could be explained away by the change of environment or the first time boarding at school. But with her personality, she truly could not resist justified and reasonable kindness.

If she dodged Ji Fengyue again and again, she feared it wouldn’t take three days before she was noticed. With this person’s blunt personality of saying whatever was on her mind, she might find an opportunity to corner her and ask directly.

At that time, what reason could Shen Wangshu use to answer her? Even worse, perhaps she would be seen through by Ji Fengyue, and then she would face an even more lethal interrogation.

Why avoid a best friend you used to tell everything to? Why refuse her care? Why act like a stranger toward her?

How could Shen Wangshu possibly say it? Aside from silence, she had no other method.

But Ji Fengyue would definitely be very, very angry. Just imagining that, Shen Wangshu felt heartfelt pain; she could only think of turning around and running away.

After that, she would probably never be able to stay in the same space as Ji Fengyue again.

Even if she could transfer schools and leave this place, if she ran away once, could she keep running away?

Shen Wangshu knew the result. In front of a friend who always forged ahead when facing difficulties and only wanted to confront them head-on, choosing to run away would surely lead to her doing everything possible to catch her and force out the reason. Ji Fengyue was that kind of person; if there was a problem she cared about, she had to know the answer.

It was no use; as long as Ji Fengyue still cared about her as a friend, she would never let her escape.

Shen Wangshu closed her eyes in pain. Once, she loved Ji Fengyue’s persistence most; now, this persistence had become a “certain death” barrier on a coward’s path to escape.

“Shen Wangshu, are you okay? Looking at your expression, you seem to still be very uncomfortable. Let’s just go to the hospital for an exam.”

Shen Wangshu sat up with a jolt. She didn’t dare meet Ji Fengyue’s gaze, only hanging her head and saying softly: “I’m fine now, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Um, thank you. How about you go back to the classroom first? It’s still evening self-study time.”

Ji Fengyue looked at the girl’s shy and defensive manner, her brows knitting together in some difficulty. Being forceful with a girl who always loved to endure pain was not her original plan, but seeing her enduring so much that she cried, who could hold back?

“My university goal is to apply for medical school; I want to be a doctor in the future. My reaction just now was a bit intense, sorry, please don’t mind,” after a period of silence, Ji Fengyue spoke.

“Ah, n-no problem, I know you were caring for me…” Shen Wangshu uneasily gripped the bedsheet under the quilt with her hand that didn’t have the needle. She didn’t want to chat with Ji Fengyue about these things, but she couldn’t escape, nor could she pretend to be deaf in this situation.

Both were silent, and the atmosphere in the infirmary was exceptionally awkward. Shen Wangshu could feel Ji Fengyue’s gaze remaining on her the entire time; she became increasingly restless, truly unable to sit still.

Unluckily, the school doctor suddenly received a call. He told Ji Fengyue to keep an eye on the medicine in the IV bottle and then went out to answer the phone. The school doctor’s voice gradually faded in the hallway, yet Shen Wangshu was so nervous she almost pinched a hole in the bedsheet.

For no other reason than facing Ji Fengyue who cared about her alone, she was scared to death of her own guilt. Shen Wangshu only wanted to hide her entire self inside the quilt so that Ji Fengyue’s gaze could not be placed upon her.

“Um… what did Teacher Liu say to you in the hallway just now? Was it about me?”

“Mhm. I told him we are roommates, so I’m taking leave from evening self-study to accompany you back to the dorm after you finish your IV.” Ji Fengyue’s calm voice was the same as usual, yet it strangely made the tension in Shen Wangshu’s heart dissipate quite a bit.

“He told me to care for you a bit more normally; your health doesn’t seem very good.”

Shen Wangshu bit her lip tightly and shook her head in refusal: “No need, I really appreciate your kindness, my health is quite good… By the way, how did you know I didn’t eat anything tonight?”

“A guess,” Ji Fengyue pushed up her glasses. “I saw you when I was walking on the track. You were sitting in the bleachers dazing off. I guessed you were in a bad mood and probably didn’t go to the cafeteria.”

Shen Wangshu became even more embarrassed, hating herself for truly having nothing to say yet finding words—why did she have to bring this up!

“It might be because it’s the first day away from home, I’m not quite used to it yet.”

Watching the girl who was so nervous she was almost curling into a ball on the bed, Ji Fengyue suddenly smiled: “Student Xiaoyue, why are you so nervous? I’m not going to do anything to you.”

“You keep staring at me, of course I’ll be nervous…” Shen Wangshu turned her head slightly and replied in a muffled voice. “Why call me by my childhood name and then add the word ‘student’?”

“Haha, because I wanted to ease your tension. Do you feel any better now?”

Shen Wangshu stopped talking, complaining internally: does Ji Fengyue not know how much of a presence her gaze has? Even making this kind of joke is useless!

Ji Fengyue, in the end, did not force the conversation to continue. She took out a palm-sized knowledge book from her canvas bag: “Sorry, I’m used to it. If you feel pressured, then I’ll read my book. Pay attention to the medicine yourself.”

Seeing Ji Fengyue truly focused on reading, Shen Wangshu widened her eyes in shock. This person really loves studying this much no matter the time!

Could it be that Ji Fengyue was like her, and the time she was reborn back to was just these past few days? Thinking that the “God of Study” from back then also had to bitterly revise now, for some reason, Shen Wangshu felt a strange urge to laugh.

How strange—the tension in Shen Wangshu’s heart suddenly disappeared. She watched Ji Fengyue’s focused and devoted appearance, and couldn’t help but daze off again for a while. After snapping back to attention, she suddenly felt it wasn’t good, so she spoke up: “Ji Fengyue, do you have any other books? Can you lend me one? I’m so bored.”

Hearing this, Ji Fengyue knew the girl really wasn’t nervous anymore, and a faint smile appeared on her face. She didn’t look up either, pulling out another portable biology knowledge book from the canvas bag hanging behind her chair: “Only this one, is that okay?”

“Mhm, thank you.”

Unconsciously, the awkward atmosphere in the infirmary quietly dispersed. But Shen Wangshu, looking down at her book, did not discover how intently the person she had loved for many years was looking at her at this very moment.