Still Secretly In Love With My Enemy Today - Chapter 40

Chapter 40: 

 

Rain had begun to fall outside around the second watch of the night, a steady pitter-patter that blurred the sounds of water inside and out, finally tapering off near the third watch. By morning, the sky had cleared, leaving only the occasional drop of water dripping from the eaves.

 

Xie Huaishuang usually rose at the first quarter of the Hour of Chen (7:15 AM), but today he woke later than usual. Even when he did wake, his eyes didn’t fully open; his lashes lifted slightly, then fluttered back down.

 

“What time is it?”

 

His voice was still hoarse, and he spoke quickly and muddledly; I almost didn’t catch it.

 

“Still early. It hasn’t passed the Hour of Si (9:00 AM) yet.”

 

He tugged at the quilt and closed his eyes again. Just like last night when I was applying medicine to him or carrying him to bathe, he was mumbling something to himself that I couldn’t quite make out.

 

I leaned in closer, pressing my head against his pillow to try and hear his mutterings, but I still couldn’t catch a single word. I could only see that from his collar down to his waist, there were scattered spots of red.

 

This man is incredibly sensitive; all night he had been like a bowstring—tightening, trembling, then tightening again. Even now, as I held him, he gave an involuntary shiver.

 

“What are you doing now?”

 

I caught that clearly. I patted his back. “Nothing—what kind of person do you take me for?”

 

His lashes snapped up. Dark green eyes stared at me gloomily.

 

“What do you think?”

 

He was expressionless, but the red at the corners of his eyes hadn’t completely faded. It brought back some—actually, many—blurred, absurd fragments of memory.

 

Someone who spends their life wielding a sword has far better flexibility than an ordinary person; lifting, folding, bending—there was no resistance at all.

 

“Weren’t you the one being stubborn?” I teased.

 

Clearly, he had been trembling beyond control long ago, head thrown back and unable to speak, yet he had gripped my shoulders and refused to let go, no matter what I said.

 

Xie Huaishuang glared at me, though it lacked any real intimidation. “Are you blaming me?”

 

“…My fault. I’ll do better next time.”

 

Xie Huaishuang didn’t speak, just leaned a bit closer to me. I thought he had fallen back asleep, but after a long silence, a faint sound emerged from between the quilt and the pillow, low and muffled.

 

“No need.”

 

After he said that, there was no more movement for a long time. This time it seemed he really had fallen asleep; his warm, steady breath brushed against my neck.

 

It shouldn’t be a dream, I thought cautiously—after all, I wouldn’t be this bold even in my dreams.

 

The most I had dared to imagine back then was getting my hands on that cyan sword tassel of his and hanging it by my bed, so it would be the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. After all, I spent so much time staring at the ceiling—during sleepless nights, at the first light of dawn, or during endless rainy days. With his tassel hanging in the most conspicuous place, I would at least have a shred of reality; that dark green shadow wouldn’t seem so unreachable, untouchable, and impossible to chase.

 

Xie Huaishuang must have been dreaming of something; his forehead rubbed back and forth against me unconsciously, and his shoulder blades rose and fell gently under my hand.

 

Could the me of ten years ago have imagined the good life the me of ten years later would be living?

 

I decided to be even better to myself—Xie Huaishuang was lying right beside me; it would be illogical not to kiss him.

 

…

 

Xie Huaishuang spent a long time in front of the mirror before we left.

 

“Is it really not visible?”

 

“Really not visible.” I pulled his collar up a bit more to check again. The half-circle of tooth marks was perfectly hidden beneath the fabric. “See? All covered.”

 

Xie Huaishuang looked down and checked twice himself, steadied himself against the table to stand up, then turned around to stare at me.

 

“Don’t move,” he said, leaning in. “Let me check yours.”

 

He did a full circle of inspection and nodded reluctantly, his finger hovering over my shoulder and back. “It seems yours are covered too—does it really not hurt?”

 

“It really doesn’t.”

 

Actually, it would sting occasionally—a light, needle-like prick. But when that tiny sting brushed past, it made me feel strangely excited. I didn’t tell him that, though; it would make me sound like a pervert.

 

—I’m probably not one. Right?

 

Xie Huaishuang finished his inspection and seemed satisfied that there were no issues. “Aside from taking measurements, are we doing anything else today?”

 

“I have to go to the smelting yard this afternoon. It won’t take long; I’ll be back earlier than yesterday.” I smoothed his collar flat. “When evening comes, I’ll take you somewhere. Want to go?”

 

Without asking where, he nodded simply. “Okay.”

 

He didn’t even want to know where? I asked him, “Aren’t you curious?”

 

Xie Huaishuang tilted his head. “If you wanted to say it, you could say it now.”

 

“What if I take you somewhere bad?”

 

Xie Huaishuang said matter-of-factly, “Where else would I go but with you?”

 

…

 

It had been a long time since I’d been to the highest rooftop in Iron Cloud City.

 

It was a clear late spring night. The sky was filled with stars, like a bright, shimmering surface of water. Sitting on the roof, one could clearly see the silver radiance flowing and the faint movement of clouds.

 

Xie Huaishuang set his long sword aside. “Is this the place?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Over the past ten years, after every clash with Xie Huaishuang, I would come here alone. The entire Iron Cloud City lay hidden in the silent darkness below, gradually falling asleep. There was no one around, only the occasional gust of wind and the endless flickering of the stars.

 

“What did you think about?”

 

“A lot of things.” I leaned back on my hands against the roof ridge, looking at the familiar sky I’d seen a thousand times. “I thought about why I won against you, or why I lost to you.”

 

Xie Huaishuang smiled, the sound of his laughter carrying on the wind.

 

“I also thought about when I would see you next,” I paused, telling the truth. “And when I would finally be able to catch you.”

 

“You spent all night thinking about just that?”

 

“Not just that. Every time, the other thoughts were different.” I turned to look at his profile. “Sometimes I wondered if you were especially unhappy that day because you hit so much harder. Sometimes I wondered if you had a new injury because your moves lacked their usual strength. Sometimes I wondered why you wouldn’t let me finish speaking. I thought about everything.”

 

Xie Huaishuang summarized: “So, you were just thinking about me the whole time.”

 

Fine. He wasn’t wrong.

 

“You always say I didn’t listen to you—what was it that you wanted to say to me back then?”

 

“I wanted to ask if you were also being deceived by the Temple, or forced by them to do their dirty work.”

 

Xie Huaishuang turned to look at me. “And if… I had said ‘yes’ back then?”

 

“Then I would have come for you right then,” I said immediately. “I would have helped you escape, and then we would have dealt with those Temple people together.”

 

Since finding him, even though I knew it was meaningless, I couldn’t help but run through these “what ifs” a thousand times. If I had known then what I know now, I would have spoken up no matter what—even if I had been run through with a sword, I would have said it. If I could have made him resolve to leave the Temple back then, he might not have had to suffer so much.

 

“What are you thinking about now?” Xie Huaishuang’s fingertip pressed against the space between my brows; it felt cool. “Things are very good now.”

 

I pulled his hand down and held it in my palm. The more I thought about it, the unhappier I became. “You shouldn’t have had to suffer like that.”

 

“It wasn’t all suffering.” Xie Huaishuang’s tone turned serious. He paused for a moment before continuing. “Standing at the heights for so long, one should walk through the depths to see clearly.”

 

“A lot of things only became clear to me during that time.” He smiled. “I had seen and heard too many false things before. To be unable to see but then see the true color, to be unable to hear but then hear the true sound—it’s not all ‘suffering’ in the end. I know who harmed me, but other than that, I have no grievances.”

 

“Besides, my luck has been good enough.”

 

Xie Huaishuang moved his hand, his fingertips sliding across my palm.

 

“Meeting you… my luck was very, very good.”

 

Was that truly how he felt? I felt that meeting him was the luckiest thing that could have happened to me.

 

Our two swords lay side by side, reflecting the Milky Way above. My lover’s eyes reflected only me.

 

Very, very good luck indeed.

 

“Back then,” Xie Huaishuang said suddenly, “when I won against you and no one was watching me, I would sit on the corridor by myself.” He looked up. “There were silver bells on the eaves that sounded very clear in the night. I could see the stars from there too—not as many as here, and not as bright.”

 

“What were you thinking about?”

 

Xie Huaishuang glanced at me. “Do you want the truth?”

 

“The truth.”

 

“I was deducing new sword moves.”

 

“…”

 

“They always told me to think of nothing but ‘Divine Affairs.’ If my mind was cluttered, I wouldn’t be ‘flawless’ anymore. Aside from my missions, I didn’t know anything else.” Xie Huaishuang lowered his head and laughed. “But occasionally, I did wonder what kind of people you in Iron Cloud City were, and how you had so many powerful weapons and mechanisms. And I wondered if the next person to come looking for trouble would be you.”

 

I replayed his words in my head and found a problem: “That was when you won. What about when you lost?”

 

Xie Huaishuang’s voice was soft. “They would make me reflect.”

 

“How… how would you ‘reflect’?”

 

“Don’t be nervous—it was nothing much. Just kneeling before the God of West Wing.”

 

“For the whole night?”

 

“Yes.”

 

I am definitely tearing that Temple down sooner or later.

 

“In the beginning, someone watched me. Later, when it happened more often, they just left me to myself.” Xie Huaishuang’s lashes trembled. “The lights were dim, and the statue was so tall I couldn’t see it clearly. As I knelt there, I always ended up thinking of you.”

 

“Thinking of me?”

 

“Yes.” He laughed suddenly. “As time went on, every time I saw the statue, the person who instinctively flickered before my eyes was you… you, the heretic.”

 

Ten years have flowed by like water. As he spoke of it now, he seemed to be telling a story that had nothing to do with him.

 

“Let’s not talk about it.” He leaned against my shoulder. “It’s all in the past.”

 

I looked down at him and saw his gaze fixed on the night sky. His lips were moving silently as if he were counting. “Are you counting stars again?”

 

“Mhm.” He pulled his sword into his arms in a relaxed posture. “There are many more stars here.”

 

“How many have you counted?”

 

“Ninety-two.”

 

“Are you going to count them all?”

 

“No,” he refused flatly. “I’ll go back to sleep when I reach two hundred.”

 

“What if you fall asleep before you reach two hundred?”

 

“Then you can just carry me back to bed.” After counting a few more, he added: “The ten times I owe you… I’ll make them up to you tomorrow.”