She Said She Has Feelings For Someone - Chapter 44

Chapter 44: Shame — This brain is beyond saving…

Grandmother had a very beautiful name: Xia Yunxiu.

Xia Yunxiu’s husband was surnamed Xu. He was the one who named Xu Ruyue, hoping his daughter would be as bright and cool as the moon (Yue), sought after by all.

When Xia Leshuang was small, she once heard her grandmother mention this. The old woman was regretful and melancholy: “Sometimes, a name determines a fate.”

“If I had been stronger back then, your mother… perhaps she wouldn’t have turned out like this.”

“So, Leshuang, do not yearn for the moon, and certainly do not become the moon.”

“We should only strive to be flesh-and-blood human beings. Happiness and joy are what matter most.”

Xia Leshuang was too young then to fully understand, but Grandmother was the person who loved her most in the world, and she loved Grandmother back just as much. So she nodded repeatedly and promised:

“I don’t like the moon! I like the name Grandmother gave me!”

Therefore, even though Xia Ye was surnamed Xia, Xia Leshuang never loathed her own name. Her name was entirely a gift from her grandmother.

Before her grandmother passed away, Xia Leshuang rarely saw Xia Ye and Xu Ruyue. Her only long-term interaction with them was when she was eight, during the two weeks they filmed a parent-child variety show.

Behind the lens, Xia Ye performed fatherly love, acting as though he were meticulous and doting. Behind the camera, however, it was Xu Ruyue who took care of her daily life and accompanied her through the fear of the unfamiliar environment. For those ten-plus days, the warmth between mother and daughter was clear and profound. No matter how many years passed, she could never let go of it or forget it.

In the winter she turned ten, Xu Ruyue finally achieved her dream of winning the Best Actress award, but it coincided with Xia Yunxiu falling gravely ill. They returned to S-City. Perhaps knowing her time was short, Xia Yunxiu used her own life as a final ultimatum to help Xia Leshuang shed the “moon-climbing” shackles of her parents’ expectations.

After Grandmother died, Xia Ye and Xu Ruyue settled temporarily in S-City, and Leshuang was forced to learn the art of self-deception. It wasn’t until she met Lu Shuyu and saw the relationship between Lu and her mother—like best friends, even comrades-in-arms—that Xia Leshuang had an epiphany.

The strictness of Xu Ruyue and Xia Ye, the sharp words, the constant “it’s for your own good” and “don’t let me down”…

None of it was love.

They were shackles. Shackles that Grandmother, if she were still alive, would have surely helped her unlock. But because she craved their affection, the more she struggled, the deeper she sank—trying to please them, trying to mold herself to fit their needs, even when she was covered in scars.

In those times, Lu Shuyu’s presence was like a clear spring in a desert. Clear and distinct. She didn’t need to do anything; just being there healed Xia’s withered spirit and gave her room to breathe. Even when they grew closer later on, she never dared to reveal the scars in her heart, hiding them carefully for fear that Lu Shuyu would see the mess inside.

But she never imagined that in Lu Shuyu’s heart, she was the “bright, spirited, and successful” Xia Leshuang.

“Shuyu…” she stammered. “I…”

I’m actually not as good as you think.

Xia Leshuang wanted to say those words. But Lu Shuyu’s eyes were so earnest and her expression so tender that it was too beautiful to break.

“Xia Leshuang,” Lu Shuyu called her. “Do you trust me?”

Xia Leshuang froze, then nodded instinctively. “Of course.”

Lu Shuyu’s lips curved upward. The brilliant flow of traffic outside constantly illuminated her face, making her look like a pomegranate flower in full summer bloom.

“Then please, keep trusting me.”

She raised her hand and lightly tapped the corner of her eye. Even in the night, those amber pupils were crystal clear.

“These eyes of mine are super accurate at reading people!”

…

When she woke up the next morning, Xia Leshuang felt her strength had almost completely returned.

Lu Shuyu made simple sandwiches. “Make do with these; we’re moving in a bit.”

“Okay.” Xia Leshuang took a large bite. “Delicious!”

“Ahem,” Lu Shuyu nearly choked. “Was that one sentence or two?”

Just as she was about to answer, Xia Leshuang saw the teasing glint in Lu’s eyes. She took another huge bite and said, “Not telling you.”

Moving could be a hassle or simple. For Lu Shuyu, who had moved several times and learned from her mistakes, she had developed a habit of living minimally.

“Move your stuff first,” Lu Shuyu said when they arrived at the old place, pointing at the sealed boxes. “Chen Qian packed them well; they’re ready to go.”

She pulled a trolley from the balcony and handed over the keys to a small rented van. Mid-handover, she paused. “You have a driver’s license, right?”

Who knew if Xia Ye had denied her the right to learn to drive as part of his control…

Xia Leshuang smiled and took the keys. “I learned in L-City. Passed on the first try.”

“Impressive!” Lu Shuyu coaxed her like a child. “Go on then. My stuff isn’t much; we can finish today if we hurry.”

As expected, the last load was finished before sunset. Closing the door of the new apartment, Lu Shuyu collapsed onto the shoe bench in the foyer. “I’m so tired… Every time I move, I want to buy a house.”

Unfortunately, property prices weren’t something she could just catch up to on a whim.

Xia Leshuang poured her a glass of water and smiled. “You’re the Great PD Lu. It’ll happen!”

Lu Shuyu drank the water in one go and shook her head. “I still want to go back to S-City.”

“Because of Mother Lu?”

“Not entirely,” Lu Shuyu laughed. “She’s very busy with work and her friends. I just feel that the place where I grew up is the most familiar and comfortable.”

“True.” Xia Leshuang sighed softly. “I miss my grandmother’s house too.”

“Next time,” Lu Shuyu stood up, “we’ll go back together.”

She walked further inside, and Xia Leshuang felt a surge of joy. But before she could enjoy it, Lu Shuyu’s voice startled her.

“How much have you unpacked?” Lu Shuyu turned toward Xia Leshuang’s bedroom door.

“Nothing!”

Xia Leshuang practically sprinted to block the doorway. Lu Shuyu stared for a moment. “What are you doing?”

“I… it’s a mess. I haven’t tidied it yet,” Xia Leshuang stammered.

Lu Shuyu raised an eyebrow and turned away. “Fine.”

As she started opening a box near the bedroom, Lu Shuyu caught a glimpse of something resembling a professional microphone through the gap in the door. She realized instantly—the “Eryu” secret identity was almost exposed. She suppressed a smile, thinking: Fine, if she doesn’t want to say it, I won’t out her.

…

They finished unpacking late into the night. Slumping on the sofa, Xia Leshuang came out of her room. “Shuyu, do you want to shower first?”

“Yeah.” Lu Shuyu answered reflexively, then stiffened. “You go first. I’ll lie here a bit longer.”

“Okay.” Xia Leshuang didn’t suspect anything and went to get her clothes.

Once the sound of the shower started, Lu Shuyu buried her face in the sofa like an ostrich. Compared to smelling Xia Leshuang’s scent after she showered… letting Xia Leshuang smell her scent was far more shameful!

“Help…” she muttered, kicking the sofa. “This brain is beyond saving…”

…

The next morning, the doorbell rang. Lu Shuyu, returning from a morning run, ran into Min Wutong at the door.

“President Min? So early?”

Min Wutong gave a professional smile. “PD Lu, have you forgotten who your roommate is? A pile of work is waiting for her.”

Lu Shuyu realized she had been so wrapped up in their domesticity she’d forgotten about work.

“Seems like these past few days have been very happy,” Min Wutong teased. “Even PD Lu put work out of her mind.”

“President Min is right,” Lu Shuyu said, opening the door with two bags of breakfast. “Time to work hard!”

Inside, Xia Leshuang was already dressed and ready to go. Min Wutong shrugged. “Teacher Xia is more proactive than you. She contacted me last night to resume work.”

Xia Leshuang took a breakfast bag. “I’ve delayed things long enough.”

“Alright,” Min Wutong turned to leave. “I’m taking her. Keep it up, PD Lu.”

Lu Shuyu patted Xia Leshuang’s shoulder. “Good luck, Teacher Xia!”

…

With Xia Leshuang gone, the house felt strangely quiet. Lu Shuyu snapped herself out of it. She had one last location to scout for the second season of Silence is Gold. She notified the crew to prepare for departure tomorrow.

Xia Leshuang was busy. Aside from two photos of her meals and two short texts, she hadn’t replied. Lu Shuyu kept re-reading the four messages.

— [Lunch.jpg] / Eating lunch! — [Dinner.jpg] / Dinner! [Cute]

Though brief, they felt like she was “reporting in.” Lu Shuyu couldn’t hide her joy. She realized that living together provided so many excuses to stay in touch.

By 9 PM, fog had rolled in outside. Lu Shuyu typed: — Teacher Xia, will you be late tonight?

She didn’t get a reply until after she had finished her night routine. — Probably until the early morning. Go to bed early. Goodnight.

The two messages were sent two minutes apart, carrying a strange sense of lingering tension. Lu Shuyu, embarrassed by her own overthinking, quickly replied: Okay, work hard Teacher Xia! [Pitiful]

She left the foyer light on and fell asleep. In the middle of the night, a slight noise woke her. Sitting up, she heard footsteps. Her guard dropped—it was Xia Leshuang’s step. She knew it.

Just as she considered going out to greet her, the footsteps paused outside her door. Then, a very soft, low voice whispered:

“Goodnight.”

Only after the footsteps faded away did Lu Shuyu remember to breathe. She pulled the covers over her head, her heart pounding violently in the darkness.

Wait… why does this routine feel so familiar?