Self-Perception - Chapter 67

Past events surfaced before her eyes, the verbal abuse, the mockery, weighing on her like great mountains, making it hard to breathe.

She gritted her teeth and clicked in. The familiar notification sound of the app entering felt incredibly piercing at this moment.

Wen Jinyan threw her phone away, her breathing heavy.

After several struggles and much effort, and after building up her mental defenses for an unknown amount of time, her hand shook as she picked up the phone. She pressed down on one palm with the other, desperately trying to overcome her internal trauma.

It took several tries before she managed to tap the “Big Eye” (Weibo) icon. Her palms were drenched in sweat, as was her forehead.

At the first glance, the sounds of verbal abuse seemed to ring in her ears, stinging with pain.

The relentless waves of insults and disdain poured in, tearing Wen Jinyan to pieces through the screen.

Wen Jinyan closed her eyes and took deep breaths, telling herself over and over that it was all in the past. Stay calm, stay calm, it’s all over.

But when she opened her eyes, the text filled the entire screen. The characters gradually transformed into countless little figures pointing their fingers at her. They had no faces, but they possessed giant mouths, accusing her, torturing her.

Wen Jinyan felt dizzy. With a loud cry, she threw the phone far away and struck her head hard with her palms. She knew her mental state had deteriorated.

The voices of strangers in her mind grew louder and clearer, causing a splitting headache. She struggled to pick up the phone, and relying on her last shred of sanity, she dialed a number.

When she woke up, she was in a single room.

As she propped herself up to sit, the sound of a door opening rang out. Su Muqing and another woman walked in.

Seeing her, Wen Jinyan greeted, “Dr. Jiang.”

“Didn’t I tell you not to come into contact with things that cause you pain?” Dr. Jiang began to reprimand her the moment she entered. Wen Jinyan, knowing she was in the wrong, remained silent.

“I’ve prescribed some sedative medication. Have Su Muqing collect it for you later.” After giving her final instructions, Dr. Jiang gave Wen Jinyan a long look and left.

“Do you know how scared I was when I arrived?!” Su Muqing said after Dr. Jiang left.

She patted her chest. Heaven knows she had rushed over in a panic after receiving the call, only to find Wen Jinyan collapsed on the floor, scared half to death.

“Fortunately, you were there,” Wen Jinyan managed a faint smile.

“You still have the nerve to smile? What did you touch?”

“I originally wanted to try and overcome it by looking at the ‘Big Eye’ app,” Wen Jinyan said, rubbing her nose sheepishly.

“Are you crazy? Back then you nearly died…” Su Muqing swallowed the rest of her words. “I don’t need to tell you what that thing means to you. Even if it’s for Gu Wansheng, you don’t need to do this. At least you have me. I can look at it for you.”

“Alright, alright, I’m fine now, aren’t I?”

“Don’t try to act cute with me.” Su Muqing turned around, leaving one last remark: “Stay in bed. I’m going to get your medicine.”

Wen Jinyan lay back down, staring blankly at the ceiling. Not long after, Su Muqing returned, handing a small bottle to Wen Jinyan with the instruction: “Twice a day.”

Wen Jinyan got out of bed, put on her clothes and shoes, and asked, “Where is Dr. Jiang?”

“You made her angry,” Su Muqing said.

“Then let’s leave now.”

“Not going to rest a bit more?”

“No need. By the way, I might need to stay at your place for a few days.” Even though her condition was under control now, Gu Wansheng might see her taking the medicine, and she didn’t want Gu Wansheng to know.

“Don’t want Gu Wansheng to worry?”

Wen Jinyan nodded.

“You should pity me a bit too. If you scare me like this a few more times, I’ll be the one needing a heart doctor,” Su Muqing complained.

“I’ll treat you to dinner.” Wen Jinyan pressed her hands together in a pleading gesture.

“Trying to brush me off with one meal? I’m definitely going to fleece you for a big feast.”

As soon as they got into the car, Wen Jinyan sent a message to Gu Wansheng.

[Wen Jinyan]: Gu Wansheng, Su Muqing and Ji Yibai had a bit of a conflict. I’ll be staying at their place for a few days.

Su Muqing drove to a restaurant. Wen Jinyan handed her the menu with a look that said “order whatever you want.”

Su Muqing ordered a few light dishes and handed the menu back to the waiter.

“Why didn’t you order what you like?”

“With your physical condition, you should stick to light food,” Su Muqing replied.

“Could you check what the public opinion is like now?”

“Eat first. I’ll tell you after you finish.”

Once they finished eating, Wen Jinyan stared at her fixedly.

“I really…” Su Muqing was speechless, but she followed her principles and summarized for Wen Jinyan: “Public opinion is about fifty-fifty. Some side with Gu Wansheng, some with Xiao She, and some hope the two will collaborate.”

Wen Jinyan partially closed her eyes, then looked up. “If there are any changes, you must tell me.”

“Fine, fine, fine,” Su Muqing conceded. Suddenly remembering something, she held out her hand. “Give me your phone.”

Wen Jinyan didn’t understand why, but she handed it over. She watched as Su Muqing tapped and swiped on the screen, returning it in less than a minute.

“You’re not allowed to download it again.”

By the time the two returned to Su Muqing’s home, Gu Wansheng had not yet replied.

It made sense, she was likely dealing with Xiao She’s side of things right now.

It wasn’t until seven in the evening that Gu Wansheng’s message arrived.

[Gu Wansheng]: Okay. I will miss you.

Seeing this message, Wen Jinyan immediately called Gu Wansheng.

The call was answered quickly.

“Yanyan,” Gu Wansheng said.

“Gu Wansheng.”

The person on the other end seemed to be in a car, the sounds of wind and car horns were audible over the phone.

“Don’t worry about the voices online. People who know you will understand you.”

“Mm, I know.”

She heard Gu Wansheng sigh. It was very soft, but because she held the phone so close, she could hear it.

They chatted briefly before hanging up.

Su Muqing brought over some apples, turned on the TV, and invited Wen Jinyan: “Jinyan, come watch with me?”

Wen Jinyan sat down and asked, “How long will Ji Yibai be away on this business trip?”

Su Muqing handed her a slice of apple with a toothpick and replied, “About a week.”

“Going to Nancheng for a study seminar.”

Wen Jinyan took the apple into her mouth, the sweet juice filling her senses.

“Check the online opinion again.”

This was the third time Su Muqing had heard this sentence. She felt a bit helpless. “Jinyan, this is the third time.”

Wen Jinyan paused, then realized. “Ah.”

“I understand your worry. Right now, public opinion isn’t leaning toward any one person. Gu Wansheng has her company and fans, and Xiao She’s side is being countered, so he can’t cause too much of a stir.”

As Su Muqing spoke, she suddenly felt a pang of heartache. A large part of why Wen Jinyan was like this was because of what happened years ago, making her overly sensitive and paranoid whenever there was an online storm.

On the other side, Gu Wansheng, having lost the chance to share a bed with her wife and troubled by the Xiao She situation online, suddenly found herself with insomnia.

Finally, after tossing and turning and giving up on sleep, she went to the study.

Originally, most of the books in the study were just for decoration, and her recent scripts were scattered on the desk. After Wen Jinyan arrived, the study had become her territory for writing.

There was a cushion on the chair, her writing laptop sat on the desk, and a notebook and pen were placed to the right.

The bookshelves now held many literary works, and the scripts were neatly arranged.

Gu Wansheng randomly picked up the top script and flipped it open.

It was the script where she played the Princess.

Knowing the content by heart, the scenes flashed through her mind like a revolving lantern as she flipped the pages.

She suddenly stopped on a certain page and sat down to read seriously.

This wasn’t the version she had acted in.

No, rather, the first half was the same, but the second half was unfamiliar.

Gu Wansheng read it carefully. The more she read, the more it felt like it was written by the original author.

When Bai Jin bought this script, it was an unfinished product, a “fragment” left behind because the author, Luo Zhou, had met with an accident before finishing it.

Bai Jin wasn’t the original creator, so her interpretation of the script was naturally different from the original author’s.

However, the logic, literary style, and writing habits of this script were perfectly consistent with the first half.

Gu Wansheng read it once, then again.

Being an actress, she was sensitive to the emotions hidden in words. Creators bring vivid characters to life, and actors convey those characters’ emotions through performance.

Gu Wansheng couldn’t help but wonder: Where did Yanyan get this?

Luo Zhou clearly hadn’t written the latter part of this script.

Could it be that Bai Jin had misjudged? Or did Luo Zhou actually know Yanyan?

She had many questions, but she would have to wait for Yanyan to return to ask for clarity.

Gu Wansheng leaned back, looking at the ceiling.

She had originally wanted to read a book to cure her insomnia, but now she was even more awake.

Wen Jinyan didn’t have a good night’s sleep either. In her dream, she was surrounded by a crowd of people holding microphones, questioning her aggressively.

Wen Jinyan wanted to run, but she found that no matter where she fled, the eyes of the people around her were glued to her, their fingers pointing, their heads bowed as they whispered to those beside them.

She could only run with all her might, leaving nothing behind, as if only the wind from running could block out their voices, their stares, and their movements.

“Jinyan, Jinyan!”

Wen Jinyan snapped her eyes open, her body covered in cold sweat. She saw an unfamiliar ceiling and Su Muqing standing beside her.

Seeing her open her eyes, Su Muqing’s heart settled, her face full of concern. “Had a nightmare?”

Su Muqing had intended to get some water in the middle of the night. Passing the guest room, she heard noises, luckily, she had sharp ears.

It took Wen Jinyan several seconds to recover. She nodded and apologized belatedly, “I woke you up.”

“Don’t say that. I was getting water anyway.” Su Muqing handed her a glass of warm water. “Have some water.”

Wen Jinyan took it, her dry lips gaining some moisture.

“Go back to rest. I’m fine.”

“Then I’ll head out. If you feel uncomfortable, give me a call.”

Wen Jinyan nodded.

Su Muqing yawned and left.

By now, Wen Jinyan was no longer sleepy. She lay in bed and closed her eyes. In her mind, she thought of Gu Wansheng, her wife.

She even began to recall their first meeting, the first time she saw her…

She had thought that person’s eyes were so beautiful, peach blossom eyes, sparkling but not vulgar. In the reflection of the bar lights, those eyes held a luster like flowing light.

Thinking of this, her heart began to beat violently, thump, thump, completely beyond its owner’s control.