No One Ever Loved Me - Chapter 90

As soon as the sun was up, Anna came knocking on my door. I normally didn’t wake this early unless it matched the Queen’s schedule.

“We have guests arriving today.”

Still half-asleep, I hadn’t even opened my eyes properly when Anna brought in a bowl of warm water for washing.

The warmth helped clear my head.

“Guests?”

The Queen had summoned Ricardo and Penelope yesterday. But Penelope wasn’t exactly someone to be considered a guest. Yet Anna had said “guests” as if there were more.

“Who else is coming? I didn’t hear anything.”

“The message came after Lady Cecilia had already gone to bed. I didn’t want to wake you since the chamberlain said it wasn’t urgent. Should I have told you anyway?”

If the chamberlain had made that call, then the Queen likely didn’t need to worry in advance.

“He has more experience than me. I trust his judgment. It’s alright—you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Anna looked overly grateful. I’d been careful not to let her follow in the footsteps of Margaret or Penelope, but I’d let my guard down again.

“Still, even if it wasn’t urgent yesterday, I should’ve known by today. Do you have the guest list?”

“I brought it. You can check it while I do your hair.”

I sat and let Anna start with my hair as I opened the folder. The first name was one I knew well.

Ricardo Bastian.
Below him: Marchioness Federica.
And then, unexpectedly:

“Countess Rosette?”

“She said she wanted to see you, Lady Cecilia. The chamberlain mentioned that she visited Marchioness Federica several times asking how you were. Honestly, she talks like she thinks the Queen’s residence is some sort of dragon’s lair.”

Anna was as chatty as Sarah used to be. Ever since she started liking me, she used her small tasks as chances to share the latest gossip.

“Good thing she didn’t bring her daughter, Lady Isla.”

After Marchioness Federica’s luncheon, Isla had shut herself in at home. This was already her second time being grounded—the first was after Josephine’s boat outing.

Every time she showed up at a major event, she caused trouble. Countess Rosette must’ve had no choice but to leave her behind this time.

Just earning Josephine’s or Marchioness Federica’s scorn would be damaging enough—but if the Queen began looking at Isla unfavorably, her reputation would be impossible to recover.

Of course, Countess Rosette probably didn’t think Isla did anything wrong. She likely believed I had targeted Isla on purpose.

Which, to be fair, wasn’t entirely untrue. But if she and her daughter hadn’t pushed me into a corner first, they wouldn’t have faced any pushback.

“Viscountess Damier is coming too, along with Margaret.”

So they really were guests. Ricardo, Marchioness Federica, Countess Rosette, Viscountess Damier, and Margaret. And although she wasn’t listed officially, Penelope would be included too. It might be the first time the Queen’s residence had welcomed this many visitors at once.

Penelope likely wasn’t listed as a guest but as a temporary worker under short-term contract.

“Anna, let the chamberlain know to bring in the planner Lord Ricardo is sponsoring as well. Have them shown to the drawing room.”

“The planner? Oh—do you mean the one in charge of the debutante event? I thought they’d meet the chamberlain and get shown around the grounds.”

“His Highness said it clearly yesterday. Lord Ricardo may visit the palace with the planner. The debutante event is under His Highness’s authority, so meeting the planner directly isn’t unusual.”

Anna still looked a little puzzled but didn’t argue. After finishing my hair, I changed into a dress.

I picked one of the simpler dresses Penelope had made—light in texture, modest at first glance. But anyone with a keen eye would see the fine lace and multiple layers. It wasn’t cheap.

“You look stunning, Lady Cecilia.”

At that moment, I had a strong, clear feeling—Anna and Penelope should never meet.

“You did well. I’m off to see Her Majesty.”

Leaving Anna behind, I headed for the Queen’s chambers. When I knocked, she recognized my voice and allowed me to enter.

“Your Majesty. You must be tired from waking early. I brought some morning tea.”

The tea I’d ordered earlier had just arrived. The Queen didn’t have a dedicated handmaid for things like this.

I waited quietly for her to drink and fully wake before helping her get dressed myself.

“There are seven visitors today?”

After hearing the day’s schedule, the Queen muttered, “Ricardo’s being bold.”

“You think this was Lord Ricardo’s idea?”

“Who else would it be? It wasn’t my grandmother.”

Marchioness Federica was off the table.

Originally, the Queen had only asked Ricardo to bring Penelope.

Somehow, that request must’ve reached Marchioness Federica. And with palace protocols in place, word would have spread quickly.

It wasn’t hard to imagine Countess Rosette jumping at the chance, using her “worried mother” act to beg for an invitation.

Marchioness Federica, being well aware of the Countess’s true nature, likely didn’t want to bring her. So she needed someone else to draw attention—and Viscountess Damier happened to fit the bill.

Damier probably hoped that introducing her future daughter-in-law Margaret to the Queen would help make up for their family’s lack of social standing. And Margaret…

Margaret had probably accepted Viscountess Damier’s invitation without hesitation—just for the chance to meet me.

All of this had come together in less than half a day. It was Margaret’s first time entering the palace—I wasn’t sure if she’d even found a proper dress.

“What a cunning little thing. Using her grandmother as a shield to lure you out.”

The Queen muttered, clearly displeased. After witnessing that inappropriate moment between Ricardo and me the day before, I couldn’t exactly claim it was a misunderstanding.

“Is Ricardo the reason you want to divorce Count Linton?”

I shook my head quickly.

“Lord Ricardo has nothing to do with it, Your Majesty.”

“He certainly seemed hopeful.”

“Lord Ricardo just pities me, Your Majesty.”

The Queen didn’t buy it.

“They say when a man starts to pity someone, it’s the first sign of love.”

Spoken by the wife of a king who had made his mistress Karola the reflection of his sorrowful mother.

“If you don’t have feelings for Ricardo, then that’s enough.”

The Queen smiled, satisfied—convinced that Ricardo was the only one chasing after me.

“He’s been unusually well-behaved around you. How far do you think he’s willing to go?”

“Your Majesty, if Lord Ricardo is capable of something, then so am I.”

I purposely sounded petulant, like I was jealous of Ricardo’s privileges.

“You said you wished for Her Majesty’s happiness. I meant it when I said I did too.”

“You’re good at flattery, but you’re terrible at lying, Cecilia.”

I faltered. The Queen was looking at me through the mirror, her eyes sharp despite her soft tone.

“You’re clever. You read the room quickly, and you always seem to know exactly what people want to hear.”

She curled her lips.

“But Cecilia, I don’t think you realize that other people can do the same.”

I blinked. Reading others was supposed to be my strength. It was the only weapon a powerless observer like me had ever possessed.

“If you want Ricardo, all you have to do is ask me. I don’t know whether it’s the man or the title you want, but I can give you either.”

Unable to hold her piercing gaze, I looked down, pretending to fix a button on her gown.

“I don’t want to become a duchess, Your Majesty.”

“Hmm. So, it’s Ricardo himself that you want.”

I realized then I hadn’t said enough. I opened my mouth to deny even that—but the Queen was quicker.

“You need to learn how to desire, Cecilia.”

But desire wasn’t something you could learn—it wasn’t a skill you picked up and mastered.

“You can learn it.”

She said it so simply, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. Then she turned and gently took my hands.

Her fingers slowly slid up my arm, from wrist to elbow. I swallowed at the ticklish sensation.

“See? You’re not made of wood. You’re alive.”

Only then did I realize that what I had felt wasn’t just discomfort—it was tension, charged and intimate.

“Don’t get nervous. I don’t lean that way. I only wanted to remind you—you’re still a woman.”

The Queen lowered her voice into a soft whisper, like she was sharing a secret.

“Cecilia. Be greedy. When I look at you, I see myself in my younger days.”

She must’ve meant back when she was struggling to meet Marchioness Federica’s expectations.

“No one is born without desire. People kill it in themselves just to survive.”

The Queen guided my stiff body to the sofa and gently sat me down.

“See? You’re not the only one who knows how to push others.”

Once, I had said exactly what the Queen needed to hear. She had used those words as courage to finally face the King—and in doing so, saw the truth behind his coldness.

If she hadn’t gone to Karola’s room that day, the Queen would’ve continued misunderstanding the reason for the King’s distance.

Now, she was trying to do the same to me—shake the self-hatred that had taken root deep inside me with the words I had always longed to hear.

“I’m lonely, Cecilia. I don’t want to lose a maid who speaks so well. And for you to keep speaking like that… you can’t be miserable.”

“I’m not miserable, Your Majesty.”

I managed to reply, barely.

“You wear misery like a second skin and still have the nerve to say that. Didn’t I tell you earlier? You’re no good at lying. Don’t even try.”

She pretended to place something unseen into my hand, as if offering me an invisible gift.

“Ricardo is yours, Cecilia.”

I waved my hand to reject the imaginary Ricardo—but the Queen caught my wrist and stopped me.

“Ricardo is already in the palm of your hand. If you truly see me as a sister, you won’t let this chance to become family slip away.”

I understood her plan then. She wanted to use me to control Ricardo.

If I admitted I wanted Ricardo, she could guide me toward a promise: that I would “use” him, but never to the point of hurting him.

After all, she was the one offering him to me.

I parted my lips.

“Your Majesty… I want all of Ricardo.”

It was the only way I could protect him. Maybe if I’d had more time to think, I wouldn’t have said it—but the Queen hadn’t given me that luxury.

“I don’t need the title of Duchess, but what I receive must be Ricardo Bastian—whole.”

The Queen gently curled each of my fingers around the imaginary Ricardo until I was gripping him tight.

“Well done. You learn quickly, just as I thought.”

I looked down at my closed fist. There was nothing in my hand—but it felt like I was holding Ricardo.

For the first time, it felt like I could have something—that I was allowed to.

And somehow, the fact that the “something” was Ricardo felt both absurd and completely natural. My heart pounded in a strange rhythm, swept away by the contradiction.

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