No One Ever Loved Me - Chapter 119

The plan to leave early in the morning fell apart. Not letting Ricardo into the house, the night before had been a misstep.

At the time, he had been too distracted by the memory of his birth mother, stirred up by his conversation with the Duchess of Bastian—to argue, so he had left without complaint. But after just one night, the fragile thread of reason he’d barely managed to hold on to seemed to have snapped completely.

Ricardo came to the estate at the crack of dawn, but told the servants not to wake me. Instead, he demanded they bring Penelope to him.

How he knew Penelope was even at the Rosette estate, I had no idea. But he walked in and asked for her so confidently that the maid didn’t think anything was strange, she simply followed his orders.

She tried to maintain her loyalty to me, but by the time I was awake and informed of Ricardo’s “visit,” Penelope had already been thoroughly interrogated.

The way she couldn’t even meet my eyes as I entered the room made it painfully clear just how harshly Ricardo had questioned her.

“Lia.”

Even now, Ricardo made no effort to hide that he was angry with me.

Penelope, clearly shocked by his reaction, poked him in the side, as if she still believed he’d be touched to learn why I had made the decision I did.

“Ricky, the lady did it for your sake.”

“I’ve told you before—this isn’t your place to speak.”

Ricardo’s sharp response cut Penelope deeply.

To me, it was at least some sign of restraint that he hadn’t spoken in the arrogant tone he used with others. A subtle reminder that he still treated her as a childhood friend. But I couldn’t expect Penelope to see it that way.

“Must I remind you again that the childhood we supposedly shared was limited to what I chose to show you?”

Hurt, Penelope bit her lip and stormed out.

It was more like Ricardo had dismissed her, really—but at least he’d bothered to keep up appearances.

Whatever Penelope may have felt, Ricardo hadn’t lost control enough to completely crush her as a friend.

“Sit.”

His voice was uncharacteristically firm. It didn’t sound furious, though—it sounded tense.

“I know exactly where the idea of meeting her came from. The Duchess threw out some passing remark, and I reacted badly. This is all my fault. You saw it as an opportunity—one more thing you could return to me. You’re always desperate to give something back.”

This fanatic of mine understood me far better than I liked to admit.

“Honestly, I don’t want anything from you. But if doing something for me would give you peace of mind, I was ready to look the other way. But…”

He trailed off, sighing deeply and covering his face with his hand.

“But what, Sir Ricardo?”

It actually felt relieving to have my intentions laid bare like this.

The pang I felt in my chest at seeing him so disappointed—it wasn’t unexpected.

After all, this had been the goal: to push Ricardo away with disappointment. I’d planned to settle my debt that way—end his feelings for me—and send us both back to our own lives.

“You’ve always given me more affection than I deserved.”

“Affection?”

“Whatever you want to call it, it’s still affection. You even gave me a dictionary, but I guess you never actually opened it. You needed someone to pour affection into without ever worrying about receiving anything back. And unfortunately, I happened to be the one you found.”

“That kind of accident—”

“It was an accident. Just a sudden, random collision. It could’ve ended there, but I’m the one who kept turning it into something more.”

And now here I was, getting upset over the fact that Ricardo didn’t expect anything from me.

Truly, just like my mother said, I was something less than human—selfish in the worst way.

“I wanted to remove the burden from you. I knew you’d hate it, but I chose to do it anyway. I even thought that if it made your feelings fade, I’d be killing two birds with one stone.”

As my voice remained emotionless, Ricardo’s expression twisted bit by bit.

I almost wished he would just get angry—but instead, he simply endured it all in silence.

“You like everything I do, no matter what. So I had to find something you’d truly hate. And then the Duchess handed me the perfect excuse. Even if you’re against it, I’ll go to her. I’ll make sure I’m no longer an obstacle in your life.”

When Ricardo finally spoke again, his question came out of nowhere.

“Lia… why do you think I don’t want anything in return?”

Because you’ve shown it. Again and again. You’ve tested me—telling me Elodie’s story, the Queen’s past—always watching to see if I felt anything for them.

You only confessed your beliefs to me once you were sure I had no emotions. Once you confirmed that I was empty inside, you were relieved.

“You don’t want anything,” I said simply.

“I didn’t, yes.”

His reply was as expected—like I’d been tested again, and failed.

“Because that was the only way I could keep you.”

What he said next, I hadn’t expected.

“I’ve seen what happens when people hope they’ll be the exception. I’m not stupid enough to think I’d be different.”

Ricardo moved toward me slowly, cautiously.

His shadow—broad, like his frame—fell over me first. His large hand reached out.

For someone so tall that I had to tilt my head just to meet his eyes, it might’ve looked ridiculous that his hand trembled just from reaching out to me. But it wasn’t ridiculous at all.

“You’re the kind of person who walks away without ever looking back once the debt is paid. You’ll cast off Lady Margaret once she’s served her purpose in the Queen’s household. You’ll do the same to Penelope, no matter how much she accepts you now. Even the Queen’s command won’t keep you. She thinks she has control over you, but I know better. Once you make a decision, no one can stop you.”

It all sounded as though I were someone with unshakable conviction.

But in truth, I was just someone good at running away. I’d done it often enough to become skilled at it—but that didn’t make it noble, or admirable.

So I decided—it would be better to want nothing at all. Cowardly, yes. But I figured as long as I didn’t take anything from you, you wouldn’t be able to leave me.

“You said you were relieved I didn’t pity Miss Elodie. I remember. Don’t try to deny it now. You calculated it. If I was someone no one else cared about, then you could safely pour everything you had into me.”

Ricardo slowly lowered the hand I hadn’t taken. He seemed a little flustered at being seen through, just for a moment. Then, just as I thought it, he reached out and gently cupped my hand resting on my knee.

“As I’ve told you more times than I can count, Lia—just as you’re my only understanding, I want to be your only believer. What kind of believer would sit by while their god shows pity to strangers?”

“What are you…”

“I want you to pity only me. Understand only me. Treat only me like I’m special. That’s why—whether it’s Elodie, Lady Margaret, Penelope, or even the Queen—I don’t want you to care.”

Ricardo bowed his head and rested his forehead gently on the back of my hand.

“It’s a low, selfish, cowardly desire—one I wanted to keep hidden. To keep you, I couldn’t let myself take anything from you. So I had to bury these feelings too. Honestly, I didn’t even want to give you the chance to notice. I was afraid you’d care.”

It wasn’t something that made perfect sense right away.

Even though Ricardo had seen me with startling clarity, I’d only ever looked at him through my own fears—boxed in by assumptions.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly prejudice. I’d just been so afraid of drowning in unfamiliar affection that I shut it out before it could touch me. I was too busy keeping myself dry to really see him.

And even if only half of Ricardo’s nature resembled mine—that alone made him the most similar person I’d ever met.

I could tell myself that Margaret and Penelope only cared about a false version of me. That made it easy to distance myself. But Ricardo… was different.

“I thought I was doing a good job not giving you any excuses. Then the Duchess laid a trap, and I fell straight into it. And now, even though everything’s been exposed… Lia, I know it’s shameless, but please. Do nothing.”

He was begging. But it wasn’t like when he asked me to dance at the ball. This was heavier. More desperate.

I looked down at the knees he’d dropped so easily before me, like pride meant nothing.

And it was true—Ricardo had never held onto pride when it came to me.

“Your only believer”? The words didn’t even make me laugh.

Because the truth was, I didn’t understand him. Not at all.

I misjudged him. I doubted him. I even resented him.

And the moment he might have asked for the same kind of affection I was receiving—I would’ve said I didn’t have it and run.

But since he didn’t ask, I let my guard down, and then blamed him for not asking.

In the end, the Ricardo I saw was just a projection of myself. I was the one who didn’t want anything in return. So, I assumed he must be the same. And then I resented him for it from a distance.

“Ricardo…”

I opened my mouth, but my mind went blank. I didn’t know what to say.

“I just need a little time. To think.”

I had to calm the confusion in my head. I couldn’t sit here like a mute with Ricardo in front of me. I had to send him away and work through it all on my own.

“I’m not leaving.”

His refusal came so quickly that I couldn’t even hide my surprise.

“Think here. Look at me while you do it. Make your decision with me sitting right in front of you.”

“Ricardo, that’s not how this works. I—”

“Lia, I trust you more than anything. But that trust is rooted in your reason. And because of that, I also know how ruthless you can be when you’re thinking clearly.”

Still kneeling, Ricardo calmly leaned back and rested his head against the sofa—as if to make it perfectly clear he wasn’t going anywhere.

“If you really want to meet her, then go. Who am I to stop you? I couldn’t even if I wanted to. But if you do, you’re taking me with you.”

I could already picture it—Ricardo sitting there while I tried to convince his mother, his face heavy with sorrow, silently screaming that none of it made him happy. That nothing I did had ever reached him.

When I asked Penelope to help me, I thought things would unfold naturally. Smoothly.

“Pardon the interruption, miss.”

Just then, someone knocked at the parlor door. A maid stepped in and frowned slightly at how close Ricardo and I were sitting.

Just like at the palace, Ricardo’s face was a favorite subject among the Rosette estate’s maids.

Most of the staff here had worked under Joanna for years, and many of them looked down on me.

I wasn’t someone seasoned like Joanna. I was a divorced woman, disgraced and newly returned—there was nothing impressive or commanding about my presence.

Isla’s outburst during my confrontation with Joanna had spread through the household in no time. The staff laughed at Isla behind her back, sure—but there was one thing they all seemed to agree on:

Lord Ricardo Bastian was far too good for me.

So now, seeing a man like that kneeling at my feet, the maid made no attempt to hide her annoyance.

She delivered the message with tight lips: someone from Nathan had come to see me.

“Nathan?”

I ignored her attitude and focused on the message.

Sir Juan had been managing everything diligently as acting lord. Had something happened that he couldn’t handle on his own?

“Miss!”

Before I could ask anything else, someone burst into the room and threw her arms around me. It was Martha.

Right behind her came Justin, smiling with the weariness of someone used to this.

“Mother, unless you’re trying to suffocate her, maybe ease up a little? I’m glad to see you too, miss—but honestly, I’m more curious why His Lordship is here at this early hour.”

Ricardo’s face, which had looked so sorrowful just moments ago, twisted into clear irritation.

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