My Idol Turns Out To Be My Ex-Girlfriend - Chapter 36

Lin Sanyuan had been propped up on the sofa for so long that a dull ache began to throb in her right wrist.

She softened her posture and shifted, lying on her side as she whispered, “I think I’ve found the answer.”

After that biting kiss, Tang Hengzhi had remained silent. She hadn’t pushed her away, and Sanyuan felt a strange, inexplicable sense of familiarity with this woman’s body.

Tang Hengzhi seemed to know exactly where to bite to make her let out those one or two stray, uncontrolled sounds, and she seemed to know just how sensitive and ticklish her stomach was. This wasn’t the kind of insight one could gain from someone they had only met twice.

It was familiarity. A familiarity that went far beyond being mere friends.

Tang Hengzhi noticed her rubbing her wrist. She stood up and knelt on the carpet, taking Sanyuan’s right hand in hers to examine it closely. Her movements were incredibly tender. “Did you injure your wrist before?”

The alcohol was hitting her hard now, leaving Lin Sanyuan feeling drowsy. Lacking the strength to pull her hand back, she replied in a soft, breathy voice, “I don’t remember.”

“You don’t remember…” Tang Hengzhi murmured, repeating the words as a statement rather than a question.

She gently squeezed Sanyuan’s wrist bone and lowered her voice, “That night, was it Qiao Lian who called me?”

“Mhm…”

The hand supporting Sanyuan’s wrist began to tremble slightly, though Tang Hengzhi’s voice betrayed nothing unusual. “She said you suffered from encephalitis symptoms and were hospitalized a year ago?”

Lin Sanyuan rested her head against her scattered, messy hair. She partially opened her eyes, her lashes fluttering as if trying to see the person in front of her more clearly.

Tang Hengzhi was kneeling by the sofa. In the soft moonlight, her features were impossibly beautiful, yet she looked like a sail in the dark of night, shrouded in mist.

Lin Sanyuan let out a soft laugh and said, “Actually, I usually live my life in a bit of a muddle. But sometimes, I can be quite stubborn.”

“I know.”

“I was sick, and I forgot some things. It sounds like a real cliché, but being sick is a cruel thing. It’s cruel to yourself, and it’s cruel to others. Encephalitis has a high probability of affecting neurological memory, so, Teacher Tang, that memory I abandoned, were you there?”

Tang Hengzhi’s gaze turned lonely.

Lin Sanyuan tried her best not to sound too aggrieved. “But you didn’t say anything at first. You acted like a stranger.”

Tang Hengzhi looked at her steadily, her eyes appearing to hide the deep sea and the morning wind. “I didn’t know you had been hospitalized.”

However, from the very first moment they met again, she knew. She knew Sanyuan didn’t recognize her.

That bathroom door pushed open so recklessly, those eyes full of panic like a startled deer. Those eyes were too clear, as if they had been washed clean by a heavy rain, presenting her soul with total honesty.

Lin Sanyuan always managed to catch her off guard. At that moment, Tang Hengzhi truly didn’t know what to do. It was as if fate had played a cruel joke on her.

She never intended to deceive her, nor did she ever want Lin Sanyuan to be a lead actor who was kept in the dark. It was just that she really… didn’t know how to start.

Would she even believe the absurd truth?

Lin Sanyuan was different from her. Sanyuan was approaching a blank sheet of paper, one where every trace had been erased by an eraser, while Tang Hengzhi was left holding her own scattered pieces.

Sanyuan had left her, and she looked like she could live well on her own, starting over with a clean slate. Therefore, every wrong word Tang Hengzhi might say, every syllable, would be an intrusion and an offense.

Catching a glimpse of her across a crowd, a brief crossing of paths, and then leaving, perhaps that was the best choice.

But she was so unwilling to let go.

Tang Hengzhi had thought about leaving, but the moment the “her” on the other side of the screen made even the slightest move, she lost the game entirely. It made her want to take a risk, to approach her out of cowardice.

Deciding to get close to her was actually a very difficult thing for someone with a proud personality like Tang Hengzhi. But for Lin Sanyuan to make her move closer was very simple. It was so simple that Sanyuan didn’t even have to realize she was calling for her.

As long as she made the tiniest sound in her world, left the smallest trace, even an unintentional comment in a livestream, Tang Hengzhi could brainwash and hypnotize herself into seeing those things as invitations or tests.

As long as Lin Sanyuan wanted it, she could let her see her at any time.

She livestreamed almost every night. Despite the time difference with a foreign country, even the choice of the country she settled in was a precise, calculated move. She knew all of Lin Sanyuan’s habits: what time she got off work, what time she ate, and what time she would finish her shower to lie in bed and browse Weibo on her phone.

Lin Sanyuan’s shut-in nature meant she lacked any rich nightlife, making Tang Hengzhi feel fortunate for her own luck. She didn’t want to just be a traced memory of her past. If possible, she wanted to become the scenery Sanyuan looked out upon for the rest of her life in this quiet, silent, non-intrusive way.

Every night, she would cross the sea of people to send her a “goodnight.” Across mountains and lakes, she would gift her a sunrise over the sea.

As for the skiing today, Lin Sanyuan might have just done it on a whim. But Tang Hengzhi had an ulterior motive.

Lin Sanyuan was smart, so smart that she hadn’t mentioned a single word of it. Tang Hengzhi never intended to lead her into remembering those things. Yet, Sanyuan had actually drawn the first stroke connecting to the past on that blank sheet of paper, tracing out a startling line of hidden clues.

Looking at how hard Lin Sanyuan was trying, how could Tang Hengzhi not feel her heart ache?

Lin Sanyuan closed her eyes and said softly, “Yes, I don’t recognize you…”

A person she didn’t recognize, yet who was on her WeChat. Appearing at the very top of her contact list.

No one in this world knew Lin Sanyuan better than she knew herself. She was lazy and casual, and she never had the habit of adding remarks or nicknames to her contacts. She hated having her moments feed cluttered with annoying advertisements from micro-business agents. So, there were no agents among her WeChat friends.

And there certainly wouldn’t be someone who looked like an agent, but who was actually a friend she had personally added an “A” prefix to. But this person existed.

Then there was the skiing.

Lin Sanyuan was afraid of pain and afraid of death. She was never in the habit of handing over control of her body to someone she wasn’t familiar with. She was timid and had low self-esteem. For people who seemed born to glow and stand in the spotlight, she usually kept her distance, not wanting to be the background noise behind them.

But Tang Hengzhi managed to break her self-perception time and time again.

Rather than being taught step-by-step, she preferred someone else to just take her along. Because when she faced difficulties, her instinct was to give up and retreat. Failure looked so ugly.

She liked drinking Coke without the bubbles, a detail she had told no one. But Tang Hengzhi knew.

But why was that?

No one told her, and Tang Hengzhi wasn’t willing to tell her either. She could only explore on her own, stubbornly searching for the truth.

Until just now, she had finally confirmed it. She had personally cracked open the stubborn stone encasing her heart and seen the terrifying truth. Unsurprisingly, she saw a heart that was sick.

Lin Sanyuan felt a bit embarrassed because Tang Hengzhi seemed to know her so well. But she knew nothing about Tang Hengzhi. This kind of embarrassment made a person who already felt inferior want to sink into the ground.

Lin Sanyuan moved her head slightly. As if she were deprived of oxygen, a look of near-fragility appeared in her eyes.

“Teacher Tang, am I a lesbian?”

The mist was pierced, revealing a vision of everything collapsing. Tang Hengzhi almost drowned in that fragile, helpless expression.

The feeling of drowning rushed back with her memories. In a trance, she seemed to see that soaking-wet young girl telling her goodbye in the height of summer.

“Teacher Tang, I don’t want to be a lesbian.”

How cruel. A drunk Lin Sanyuan was truly so smart, and so cruel. Words spoken without the intent to hurt are often the most lethal.

Tang Hengzhi felt as if a blade had been pressed to her throat, and she no longer wanted to continue the conversation. But she knew that since she was the one who approached, she had no right to end it.

It wasn’t enough. If they were baring the past, how could this be enough?

Tang Hengzhi took a deep breath and asked with great patience, “Are you afraid?”

Afraid of being a lesbian.

Lin Sanyuan’s expression was a bit dazed. She had been ordinary her whole life, mediocre and dull. In her predetermined life, she was used to stability and following the rules.

When she was very young, her mother had planned out her future. Like every ordinary girl, she started school a year early. She wasn’t allowed to date in high school and was expected to marry before twenty-five. No form of sexual behavior was allowed before marriage. She was to have her own child before thirty. That was a healthy, ordinary life.

Catching a cold or a fever as a child brought enough trouble to others. No one held great expectations for her. In her mother’s words, as long as she lived this life steadily and peacefully, it was the greatest reward for her parents.

She didn’t have the right to be rebellious, nor did she have the right to have such a major “illness.” When she refused to go on blind dates with boys, her mother would argue with her hysterically, use the silent treatment, and look at her as if she were a piece of furniture that didn’t belong in the house.

In the end, she could only compromise. Whether psychologically or financially, she was powerless to change the status quo.

Lin Sanyuan couldn’t lie in front of her. She bit her lip hard and said slowly, “I am very afraid.”

Although she had expected it, Tang Hengzhi was still powerless to stop the feeling of a blunt knife carving into her heart. She steadied the corners of her mouth, appearing to smile. “If you’re afraid, you shouldn’t have come to talk to me about this.”

That smile had no warmth, leaving Lin Sanyuan confused. “Are you angry?”

“I’m not angry. I just…” don’t know what to do with you.

Lin Sanyuan felt a bit uncomfortable. She felt like she couldn’t stay in this room much longer because she realized she had probably just hurt her again.

But there was no way around it. She had already made every effort, but her mind was a total blank regarding the past. She had no idea how to talk to her.

It wasn’t fair at all. It wasn’t fair to Tang Hengzhi.

“Teacher Tang should be feeling better, right? I’ll go to the hospital to check on Qiao Lian and the others.” Lin Sanyuan propped herself up, preparing to stand and leave.

“In your state, how are you going to the hospital?” This time, Tang Hengzhi was truly angry.

Sanyuan had been drinking, she was stumbling as she walked, and yet she was still worried about the people at the hospital.

Tang Hengzhi held her down, her tone remaining patient. “I’m sorry, I was a bit emotional just now.”

“Being afraid doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to know your own past. This is your past.”

Lin Sanyuan couldn’t understand how her temper could be this good. She sat down obediently, a pile of questions in her stomach but no idea how to ask them.

Tang Hengzhi saw her nervousness and handed her an orange. “Just peel the orange.”

Just listen to her speak.

“When I first met you, you were nineteen, and I was twenty-five.”

Nineteen…

That was the year she graduated and entered society. At that time, she wasn’t in Huacheng, but was looking for work in Shenzhen.

She had started school a year earlier than her peers and found learning difficult. She barely scraped into a second-tier university during the college entrance exams. But at that time, her family’s financial situation was poor. Her grandmother was sick and needed surgery, and they couldn’t afford to support a college student.

She hadn’t “woken up” yet back then and didn’t even have a smartphone. While others had started browsing the internet for knowledge, she was still using an old slide-phone.

Her life always lacked a guide. She never realized what studying and going to school meant. It was only because the family lacked money that she enrolled in a private vocational college where she could work while studying. Since she had a rural household registration, she could even get a partial tuition waiver. She did as her family said and went.

After graduating from high school, she had some free time and began learning to write and draw comics. From then on, she handled her own tuition and living expenses, never asking for a penny from home again.

After graduating from the vocational college, she again followed her parents’ arrangements, entering society early and going to the big city to work.

From that point on, her memories were fragmented and blurred.

“We were friends for only a year, and then we lived together for a full three years.”

“We were apart for a year, and now we meet again,” Tang Hengzhi stated calmly.

This year, Sanyuan was twenty-four, and she was thirty.

Living together for three full years… No wonder she knew her preferences so well.

Lin Sanyuan found it unbelievable. This person, who seemed like someone who only lived in dreams, had suddenly barged into her life and told her they had been together for three years. She wasn’t sure of the exact scope and meaning of being “together.”

She was nervous. If it were an ordinary man and woman, those three years could easily be described as living together as a couple, and everything that could happen would have happened. But with two girls… it was hard to define.

Her heart pounded wildly. She had never been a perfect person, and she could never imagine herself obtaining something too beautiful. Let alone having it for three whole years.

Lin Sanyuan rarely had extreme emotions, but right now, the tiny hairs on the back of her neck were standing up, threatening to rebel.

She asked, finding it difficult to voice the words, “In those three years… were we lovers?”

Tang Hengzhi suddenly felt that it might not be a bad thing that Sanyuan remembered nothing. Her direct and honest appearance was very cute. In the past, Sanyuan had been too timid and vague when it came to matters of the heart.

The word “lovers” felt like a bottle of soda opening in Tang Hengzhi’s heart, filling her up until she was bursting with an almost ethereal sense of satisfaction.

“I don’t know…” She laughed softly, saying she didn’t know while her gaze remained firm and clear. “Because I never confessed to you, and you never said you liked me. The way we defined our relationship was actually very vague. It was as if we were just naturally together.”

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