Longing for the Stars - Chapter 17

Stark isn’t his teacher, or his parent, or anything like that.

Those words I heard during the day stuck strangely in my head. It’s true! I’m not Sirius’s parent or his teacher. If people had to give it a name, “caretaker” would probably be the most fitting. But I’ve never been satisfied with that title.

Sirius once told me that I was like the sky to him.

I thought it was too abstract to mean anything. I wondered if he meant my helplessness—a spineless kindness that ends up forgiving him no matter what he does—but that was just a guess.

If that’s the case, what do I think of Sirius?

My mind has been busy these past few days.

It feels like so much has happened from the day Sirius was badly injured until now. Each moment has been so intense that new problems surface before I can even process what happened.

I still haven’t been able to ask him about that night—the day we slept together. Sirius said he used me, but I don’t understand the point of doing that.

Sirius is a genius. I don’t just mean his magical talent. He has qualities that can only be described as gifts from the heavens—his incredible recovery speed and the sheer strength of his physical body.

With those traits, he could have found a solution on his own if he had just endured a little, without having to hold me. And yet, he didn’t do that.

But in the end, I was the one who let it happen.

Since that day, I feel like the way I look at Sirius has changed.

—What do I think Sirius is to me?

In the past, I could have answered “a long-time friend” within seconds. But now, I find myself resisting the urge to call him a friend. If he isn’t a friend, then what is he to me?

“Al? You thinking about something?”

I blinked and looked up, hearing his voice from a very close distance.

I was surprised to see Sirius closer than I expected, and I frowned as a drop of water dripped onto the tip of my nose.

“You came here without drying your hair again?”

“I mean, it’ll dry even if I leave it alone.”

“You could do it in a second with magic.”

“Ehh, I don’t want to use magic for anything other than fighting.”

“Sigh… you really are something…”

When I sighed, Sirius gave a proud grin and knelt on the floor in front of me. This put my eyes slightly higher than his. Even though I knew this was a familiar sight, it felt fresh every time.

I placed both hands on Sirius’s wet hair and focused my mind just a little.

A gentle heat and breeze rose from my palms, and his hair which had been as dark and wet as a crow’s wing instantly became soft and fluffy, returning to its usual black state. Once I confirmed it was dry, I pulled my hands away, but Sirius stayed in that position and hugged me.

“…Hey.”

“No.”

“I haven’t even said anything yet.”

“You’re going to tell me to let go anyway. No.”

“……Then at least sit on the sofa. Don’t kneel on the floor right after a bath; you’ll get dirty.”

“Okay.”

I saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a smirk.

Sirius stood up, lightly lifted me while I was still sitting in my chair, and sat down on the sofa where I had been sitting. I ended up sitting between his legs, and I let out a breath.

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything is wrong. I’ve been thinking this whole time.”

“About what?”

“About you. Ever since I met you, it’s been nothing but you.”

Sirius rested his firm chin on my shoulder.

“What kind of things are you thinking?”

I could tell from his voice that he was in a good mood.

“I was wondering what you are to me.”

“To you, Al?”

“Yes.”

Sirius wrapped both arms around me. He was warm from his bath—almost hot, actually—but it wasn’t unbearable. I pulled one of the arms wrapped around my stomach away and started rubbing his hand with my own, not knowing what else to do with them.

“Apparently, I’m like the sky to you, but I wonder what you are to me. Until recently, I could have said we were friends, but now it’s difficult.”

“Why?”

“Probably because you held me.”

“Guh.”

Sirius behind me went silent, clearly not expecting me to be so blunt. I felt his hand tense up in mine.

He held me. By saying out loud the event I thought I should pretend never happened, I realized even more deeply that I can no longer call Sirius a friend. Just remembering those eyes, that voice, and that expression made my throat feel dry.

That definitely wasn’t the kind of thing you direct at a friend.

Then, if I were asked who it is directed at, I wouldn’t really know.

“…So, you can even hold a man.”

I stared at his hand—larger than mine, with bony, masculine fingers. We’ve done the same training, and our skin is hardened in mostly the same places, yet his hand looked completely different from mine.

This hand had touched me with a burning temperature back then.

“Am I really just the sky to you?”

Before I knew it, the words had slipped out, surprising even me.

My voice sounded as if I couldn’t accept that comparison. It was a tone that showed my dissatisfaction.

I usually try to think before I speak. I believe that words can lead to disaster.

That’s why, except for times when I don’t have to be on guard, I always think before I say anything. But what I just said was completely unconscious. Now that my thoughts had caught up, I was suddenly panicking.

I myself couldn’t quite measure the true meaning behind that question.

“—Yeah.”

I felt the air grow heavier.

“You’re the sky to me, Al. But I can say it in another way, too.”

The hand I had been touching just now intertwined with my own.

The rough skin of his thumb stroked the side of my thumb. It was a slow stroke, as if to make his presence known, and I felt the back of my neck turn hot.

The arm around my waist tightened. A quiet but passionate voice, thick with his breath, whispered into my ear.

I know this voice. I know this heat.

That’s why I know exactly what kind of face Sirius is making right now.

“Do you want to hear it?”

“I won’t listen.”

He didn’t seem surprised by my immediate refusal.

But I felt like Sirius was smiling.

“…I know how you feel about me, Al.”

“…What?”

“I know, but there’s no point in me saying it. So, hurry up and figure it out yourself.”

He spoke as if he were scolding a child who hadn’t finished his homework.

It was strangely annoying, and I frowned.

“How could you know my feelings? Even I don’t know them.”

“I just know.”

Sirius said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“I know because I’m always thinking about you, too.”

Probably much longer than you, and I think about you more than you think about yourself.

I was stunned by his words, which lacked even a hint of hesitation. I never expected him to say something like that.

The hand around my waist let go. Instead, he gently grabbed my chin and turned me around. Before I could even blink, our lips met. Behind Sirius, who was so close his features were a blur, an incomplete moon shone brightly.