It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 7.4

When was the first time I got drawn into her eyes? When did I first think she was pretty?
When did I first want to have Ines…?

 

I tried to search my memory, but the past broke apart badly.
But one thing was clear—I couldn’t deny that when I first saw Ines six years ago, I was attracted to her somehow.

 

What if I had admitted it back then?
What if I hadn’t denied that the woman who wore his colors and blinked clear eyes was lovely?

 

A meaningless “what if” sprouted and quickly grew branches.

 

If that had happened, at least they would not have ended like this.
Ines wouldn’t have had to give birth painfully alone.
She wouldn’t have been slapped by Kyra.
She wouldn’t have closed her eyes at only twenty-six.

 

But on the other hand, Rayan knew.
No matter how much he thought about it, he doubted he could have made better decisions or acted better back then.
Because he was extremely rational even then.

 

He was a man who couldn’t accept a child born out of wedlock in his mind.
He was a man who couldn’t love Ines with his mind.

 

So even if time went back a thousand times, their end would be the same.
And he would regret it just like now.

 

The tree, just before blooming, turned to ashes and scattered in vain.

 

Useless thoughts stuck to his heart like dark regrets.

 

“Still…”

 

Even so, he couldn’t breathe properly.

 

“…Come back.”

 

He knew it was meaningless, but he couldn’t stop saying it.

 

Rayan whispered painfully as if praying to a god he never believed in all his life.

 

“Come back, please. Just once…”

 

Tear marks spread on the glass case.

 

If only I could see you once more,
If only I could go back to the day we first met…

 

“Say you love me, just once…”

 

Still, there was no answer he could hear.

 

 

That evening, it rained.

 

A heavy storm with strong wind.
When Rayan returned from the chapel to the office, the room was already a mess.

 

The windows were wide open on both sides, letting in heavy rain and cold wind.
The papers scattered on the desk and floor were all wet.
The chair, knocked over by the strong wind, lay on the floor.

 

It was a mess. Just like him now.

 

Rayan took step by step toward the window.

 

Wet silver hair stuck to his handsome forehead in strands.

 

Like months ago, he looked out at the garden from the window.

 

His eyes looked at the rainy garden, but his mind thought of something else.

 

He once saw Ines and Caesar sunbathing here.

 

That scene didn’t fade and filled his view like it was yesterday.

 

What feelings did he have watching them endlessly?

 

Rayan closed his eyes.
Every breath still felt like a blade stabbing his lungs.

 

<I love you, Rayan.>

 

At some moment, he desperately tried to remember again.
When was the last time Ines whispered she loved him?

 

Four years ago, the night he held her even knowing Edgar was behind the curtain…

 

Damn it, he couldn’t remember how Ines’s face looked when she said that.
Because he wasn’t looking at her.

 

He never answered that confession even once.
He thought he didn’t deserve it.

 

Now, he could say it a hundred or a thousand times.

 

I love you madly.

 

That’s why I never wanted to leave your side for a moment,
That’s why I got so angry when you rejected me,
And now without you, I am breaking down completely…

 

A deep anger against his past self rose.
All the words he said with his own mouth became sharp blades cutting his heart.

 

<When will you get rid of that body?>

 

Kyra once asked when he would let Ines leave the duke’s mansion, and foolishly, he had answered that way.

 

<Don’t worry. That woman will leave no trace in Eleanor.>

 

<You think it’s just a childish game of your nephew.>

 

Rayan laughed bitterly at the absurdity.

 

Is there a fool crazier than me, thinking the dead woman’s ghost disappeared just because a game ended?

 

His heart’s corner crumbled from his own thoughts.

 

He barely lifted his eyelids again.

 

“!”

 

Then, looking down at a corner of the garden again, he saw someone who shouldn’t be there.

 

Rayan’s lips opened in shock.

 

In the corner of the stormy garden, a small child sat alone.

 

Seeing the soaked black crown of hair, Rayan turned sharply from the window with a strangled groan.
Raindrops left wet marks on the hallway where he stepped.

 

His steps hurried.

 

He ran through the hallway and down the stairs in one breath.

 

Bang! As the mansion door opened, the storm hit hard.

 

The roaring rain was deafening.

 

“Hah…”

 

The young son was still there.

 

He was sitting where he last sunbathed with his mother two months ago.
The small swing tied to the old tree.

 

Rayan stepped into the rain as if in a trance.
He got closer to his son.

 

“…?”

 

Feeling his presence, Caesar lifted his head.
The boy’s eyes showed no emotion when he saw his father so close.

 

“…Caesar.”

 

How many times had he called this name?
Rayan slowly lowered his body in front of the boy.

 

The child on the swing looked down at him.
Rayan said the name again.

 

“Caesar.”

 

“…”

 

The boy did not answer his call.
Instead, he avoided Rayan’s gaze as if unfamiliar.

 

Rayan’s chest tightened.

 

The pouring rain soaked his hair, face, and white shirt.

 

Rayan, unaware that the storm was getting stronger, stared at the boy’s face desperately.

 

Black hair, gentle curved eyes, softly falling nose and tender chin, the shape of closed lips…

 

“Ah…”

 

A beast-like groan escaped his lips.
Rayan finally found it.

 

The only proof that Ines Eleanor had ever existed in this world.

 

Suddenly, something hot climbed his throat.

 

His eyes burned.
He muttered in a choked voice.

 

“Caesar, I…”

 

I should have gone out then.
Not just looked out the window, but gone out to hold your mother once.

 

I should have held you once.

 

I should have said it once. “I love you,” just one word… but I didn’t.

 

“I killed Ines…”

 

The feeling he realized too late could not excuse anything he had done.

 

He was still the one who killed Ines.

 

Caesar stared long at his father’s distorted face.

 

The cold father, who always was steady, broken and reaching out to him…

 

To the boy, it was as frightening as the fact that his mother was gone far away.

 

So Caesar stepped back hesitantly.
His father was still kneeling in the rain.

 

From his distorted green eyes, something flowed—rain or tears, no one knew.

 

Finally, the boy turned away and ran from his father.

 

Rayan neither stopped him nor called him back as his young son ran through the rain.

 

 

“I heard you kicked out my maid, Rayan.”

 

Kyra returned to the duke’s mansion the next morning.
When she learned her nephew had kicked out her ladies-in-waiting and maids, she came to the office at once.

 

“They say it was because you cleaned the duchess’s room.”

 

“…”

 

“It was a shabby room with no keepsakes. I thought you would be uncomfortable if it stayed, so I took care of it first. Was my kindness not welcome?”

 

“…”

 

“Or… Rayan, don’t tell me you still care about that dead thing?”

 

“Dead thing.”
At that cold word, Rayan slowly raised his head and looked at Kyra.
She laughed bitterly at his empty green eyes.

 

“Is that true? You really…”

 

“…”

 

“Get a hold of yourself, Rayan. That child wouldn’t have lived long anyway.”

 

“Seems you already knew.”

 

“You can tell just by looking. Weak and sickly, only waiting for the day to die.”

 

“Maybe she could have lived longer.”

 

Rayan said flatly.

 

“Didn’t you push her to die?”

 

“What?”

 

“If I had known sooner, I would have sold this country to keep her alive longer…”

 

Smack!
A sharp slap hit his left cheek.
His head turned suddenly, unprotected.

 

“Get a hold of yourself, Rayan. You are the lord of this duchy.”

 

Kyra stood up and shouted at her nephew in a hoarse voice.

 

“Do you know what you’re talking about? She was just an illegitimate child, Rayan.”

 

“…”

 

“A worthless woman who only knew how to cry clinging to you.”

 

Kyra’s words sank slowly into Rayan’s ears, one by one.

 

Lord of the duchy.
Illegitimate child.
Just that kind of woman…

 

He repeated the words slowly in his mind.
Years ago, Ines had said in a trembling voice.

 

Ah, that woman controls him so much, even after death.

 

The heat burning his cheek barely brought Rayan back to some track of his old self.

 

But he was far away from the path of the original Rayan Eleanor.